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Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017 LAIMAN'S LINKS Marissa's Website Marissa's Blog Marissa’s podcast Twitter - @RisMcCool Email - [email protected] All my books and bookings are available at RisMcCool.com My fifth book has just been released! IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #337 - Thoughts on RAW - 11-27-17 1. And now we're back to having the voiceover narrator guy? Holy JBL, can we get some week-to-week consistency please? If we have to have "previously on..." at least make it a regular thing? Plus it sounds like the narrator of a reality show, so it's a little silly. 2. What's up, home city?! 3. We're three seconds into the show, and I've already heard the words "big dog" about 38 times. 4. So either Kane or Braun Strowman gets to lose to Brock Lesnar so Reigns can win the Royal Rumble? Check. 5. We open up with something much better than Stephanie, and Samoa Joe is here to play Exposition Fairy. It's Samoa Joe's turn to not be impressed by the Shield, and I assume he'll join with CM Punk to be equally not impressed. 6. Take a shot every time someone says "big dog." Will any of us make it through the first hour? 7. Meanwhile, backstage, the Shield happen to be watching backstage. I'm more amused by the sign that says "Roman Reigns drinks orange juice after he brushes his teeth." 8. Joe takes this time to kill by reminding us what his name is and where he stands. That was nice of him. 9. Ooh, now all three of them are standing by, as if Joe can't also see them. He does seem utterly surprised by Roman's theme though. 10. "Is he coming alone?" "He appears to be coming alone." Dynamite drop-in, Monty! 11. Bwhaaaaaat, the Bar interferes with their brawl? Oh dwindlefucksticks, does this mean this feud between them STILL isn't over? Nope, here comes the Shield. Yay. 12. "I don't think they wanted Roman one-on-one, guys." Thank you, Captain Hindsight. Your check is in the mail. 13. How are Nakamura and Orton a dream team? Haven't they already teamed up a bunch of times on regular episodes of Smackdown? Good christchex, how bad did everything get last week? 13. Now we come back with... what you just saw. Bayley, Sasha, and Mickie team are Cruiserweighting the division this week with the Muse song stable... But now we're cutting in with the admittedly very cool story of the women's title match in UAE. I'm sorry, this show is so all over the place right now that I can't even focus on anything. 14. You don't usually hear wrestlers using the word "squash" in their promos. Now they're calling it the Purge, so I'm expecting them to hire on a goofy one in a mask. Then there's about three metaphors in one sentence and that in and of itself is a metaphor for the show right now. Michael Cole then REPEATS what Paige JUST SAID about her first match in over a year nearly word-for-word, so what was the point of her even saying it? 15. Absolution gets the win, Mickie takes the fall, and the arena is freaking silent. 16. Time for cheap Network shill, and suddenly they're okay with Smackdown so I guess all that bitterness was only for the month and now it's over. Also nice of them to promote a show they buried horrifically a few weeks ago. 17. Bray's intro gets interrupted by Woken Matt Hardy. Get it, it rhymes with Broken. What just happened? 18. And now we're back to Bray Wyatt rambling backstage. He does his O-face. Then Matt does his impression of a goat getting stuck in a garbage disposal, and they're... dueling backstage vignettes? I'm so confused. 19. What the fuck am I watching right now? 20. Walk in the footsteps of a King? I thought we were walking with Elias. 21. Several bouts of Matt Hardy yodeling in a gully populated by the lamb that Mary saw after she finished the 8-ball for the weekend, and he ends it with a Goldust bite. This seems like a perfect transition to a replay of Enzo being smiled at by... Nia Jax? What? 22. Now backstage, Enzo's having a conversation with his title belt, and somehow that's the third weirdest event of this segment. WWE revoked Rich Swann's title shot? Can't imagine why that happened... 23. And next is finally FInn Balor, and that may have been the strangest segment of WWE television I've ever seen. Balor is facing one of the Miztourage, so... Balor wins. 24. Bo and Curtis collapse laughing during their entrance. I can only assume this is because they read the script of the Matt/Bray exchange and put it in their game of Mad Libs. 25. You mean the guy who has been repeatedly hit with moves despite having a neck brace didn't need the neckbrace? Goodness gracious, that is an M. Night-level twist right there. I'm befuddled beyond words. 26. Even with a 2-on-1 attack, Axel loses in about two minutes. Excitement. So glad the guy who went over AJ Styles two months ago is now messing around with the freaking Miztourage. Thanks Kane. 27. Crossfit Jesus is facing Lobsterhead? Stay tuned for this first time match! 28. Now for the 10th backstage promo tonight, Kane casually approaches the camera to casually talk about choking people. He says it's the first time he will compete with Brock... wait, what? No it isn't! 29. I see Burn it Down is back, so that must've been an error two weeks ago. CFJ's shirt is so red, it has its own pyro entrance. 30. I'm sure this match will be fine, but I really don't care. I can't stand seeing these two fight for the 2342nd time in a row. I'm really not trying to be cynical but what a mess this show is. 31. They're debating the merits of Crossfit in regard to Crossfit Jesus. I have no words. 32. Someone has a Browns Super Bowl champs sign. I'd settle for winning more than a game a year at his point. What a dumpster fire. I used to be such a diehard fan, and at this point I barely remember games are on. 33. Crossfit Jesus wins another singles match in this feud, and on and on it goes. 34. Tony Abs? Is he related to Joey Abs? 35. Hearing them talk about the Street, all I can hear is Hannibal Buress saying "I talk about the streets." 36. Gulak fielding questions and being willfully obtuse is the most entertaining part of this entire show. 37. I may have taken my medicine too early, so if I start getting really sleepy, I apologize. This was a long weekend in Florida, especially since it was barely warmer there than it was up here. Nothing like spending a weekend in Florida and still needing your winter coat. 38. Cedric Alexander gets the win, and he makes sure to remind us that this was his second chance. Cause name of match reasons. Hopefully he can summon some of that mojo that helped him have that epic CWC moment. 39. Mirror title on the wall, whose beard is disappearing in it all, you 'Zo. You. He uses his schtick to be a jackass about Gulak's powerpoint presentations because I don't know what show I'm watching anymore, and now Nia and Enzo are flirting again and I'm uncomfortable. 40. And now, what has become the Roman Reigns hour, we're approaching the third hour and the Roman Reigns match is here. Cesaro does his Highlander quickening, Reigns will be at less than a hundred percent, but will assuredly overcome teh odds because that's the way the world works. 41. Was the plan well-orchestrated though? Did it have an overture? 42. "This will be a physical confrontation." As opposed to what, that one time they tried to do a Verbal Debate with Chris Nowinski? 43. Cesaro weighs in at two hundred twenty twun pounds. That must be Swiss conversion. 44. These two are going at it and making it seem like a big deal. This is only good things for the Intercontinental title itself. 45. Regardless of the utter predictability of the outcome, this is a damn good match. I'm really impressed. 46. Roman Reigns wins the match to the surprise of absolutely no one, and it's fine. At least it was something entertaining unlike the rest of this show. 47. Braun Strowman sees Kane's weird "ohai didn't see you there" promo with an awkward low angle camera and wide eyes. 48. They're bringing NXT to television? That's great news for getting more people to see it! Awesome! 49. Asuka's here for the spot after Roman Reigns. The paint-by-numbers formula continues. 50. Aaaand she's facing Alicia Fox... But Fox isn't coming out. Gee, is the Absolution involved? I wonder! Do I have the show from two weeks ago on the DVR or something? 51. Paige accuses Asuka of getting in the way by... having a match on a different part of the card? 52. Move out of the way, or we make you move out of the way. Have you considered quoting a 90s rap song that was popular when I was a kid involving moving out of the way? 53. Sasha's music hits for the save, and the entire rest of the division hits the ring. They are tired of this motherfuckin' Absolution on this motherfuckin' show! Corey comments about it being Paige's first encounter with Nia Jax. Hey, that's a good point, why does Nia Jax give a shit? 54. Meanwhile, in Jason Jordan's Masterexcuse Theater, something blah blah cheesy whatever. This is Kurt's role on the show now. Feeling awkward about his son. Stephanie got on his case about something? You don't say. Kurt tells Jason to go to his room and think about what he's done. 55. Next we have Dean. We like Dean. He's facing Joe, and since Joe, Reigns, and Triple H have 90 percent of the feuds right now, I don't like his chances. 56. Now that the match has finally started, Jason Jordan comes out to sit backwards in a chair so that the kids will better relate to him when he tells them about how cool abstinence is. Essentially, the match is a bunch of misses and reversals until we go to another commercial. 57. That rascal Jordan totally unintentionally cost Dean the match, and Joe wins via Coquina Clutch. Booker T then gets super pissed off that... Michael Cole agrees with him? 58. Backstage, Dana Brooke is joining Titus Worldwide, because their win-loss record wasn't embarrassing enough. Apollo Crews goes HAM Sandwich, and then Gallows and Anderson get in their weekly NERD! before Braun Strowman cuts through for something that actually matters. 59. So they're going to have Reigns win another Rumble in Philly? I don't think that's going to go over well. 60. As Sir Braun Clegane, the Mountain that Wrestles, prepares for the long-awaited confrontation with his burnt brother The Hound, the stalling is in overdrive. They've managed to waste so much time since we saw Braun adamantly walking to the ring, and now we're having ANOTHER commercial break in between. 61. Why does the Dolph Ziggler Cricket Wireless commercial still have pyro but the WWE doesn't have pyro anymore and Dolph doesn't have entrance music? Wrestling is weird. 62. Next week, Bork Laser returns again. Yippee. 63. Kane backing away does put over Strowman, but it seems ridiculous at the same time. Kane hit a goozle already, so his chances aren't good. Michael Cole somehow manages to be incredulous about someone kicking out of a finisher. That's the best acting I've seen all year. 64. Strowman kicks out of a second chokeslam, and it's gonna get reversed the third time. Now Strowman hits a chokeslam, but that's no good either. Remember when that move ended matches? 65. We go into the crowd, and they push through the barricade on the same floor that LeBron James plays, and even in this replay they have that video game shake effect. They both get counted out, because that's the way you should have a main event you've built up all night. Kane crawling away brings back memories of Vince swimming in the beer bath. 66. Now we've got a steel steps duel. Bonus HAM for Booker saying Musical Stairs. 67. Strowman, GET THE TABLES! 68. Kane powders into...is that Cardale Jones? And hits Strowman in the knee with a chair. Kane keeps hitting him with the chair and then trips over his own feet in the process. Kane sets up the table and... they hit the double clothesline move that's usually the turning point in a regular match. Kane does his zombie situp, and then Braun mimics it. Braun to no surprise gets the better and does the powerslam through the table. Holy shit what a trainwreck of a show. HAM OF THE NIGHT It's about that time to figure out the finalists for HAM of the Year and Greatest Moment in HAM 2017. Tonight though, I gotta give the HAM to Apollo Crews. 2012 - Daniel Bryan 2013 - Paul Heyman 2016 - Chris Jericho 1-2-17 - Kevin Owens 1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher 1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels 1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose 1-16-17 - Sami Zayn 1-17-17 - John Cena 1-23-17 - Xavier Woods 1-24-17 - James Ellsworth 1-30-17 - Mick Foley 1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan 2-6-17 - Goldberg 2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan 2-13-17 - Chris Jericho 2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss 2-20-17 - Lana 2-21-17 - Maryse 2-27-17 - Mick Foley 2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt 3-13-17 - Paul Heyman 3-14-17 - AJ Styles 3-20-17 - Austin Aries 3-21-17 - Mizcena 3-27-17 - Big Cass 3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena 4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists 4-2-17 - The Undertaker 4-3-17 - Chris Jericho 4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura 4-10-17 - Braun Strowman 4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura 4-17-17 - Samoa Joe 4-18-17 - Nobody 4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss 4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler 5-8-17 - The Miz 5-9-17 - The Usos 5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill 5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze 5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt 5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley 5-30-17 - Fashion Files 6-5-17 - The Miz 6-26-17 - Paul Heyman 6-27-17 - The Ascension 7-3-17 - TROOF 7-10-17 - Paul Heyman 7-17-17 - Crossfit Jesus 7-18-17 - Randy Orton 7-24-17 - Kurt Angle 7-25-17- Chris Jericho 7-31-17 - Bray Wyatt 8-7-17 - Paul Heyman 8-8-17 - Arn Anderson 8-14-17 - Big Ca/ss 8-15-17 - Breezango 8-28-17 - John Cena 9-4-17 - Braun Strowman 9-11-17 - The Miz 9-18-17 - Neville 9-19-17 - Dolph Ziggler 9-24-17 - Paul Heyman 9-25-17 - Alexa Bliss 9-26-17 - Dolph Ziggler 10-2-17 - The Miz 10-3-17 - Rusev 10-9-17 - Finn Balor 10-10-17 - The Usos 10-16-17 - Curtis Axel 10-22-17 - Kurt Angle 10-23-17 - Drew Gulak 10-30-17 - The Miz 10-31-17 - Kofi Kingston/Rusev/Becky Lynch 11-6-17 - New Day 11-7-17 - New Day 11-19-17 - The Usos 11-20-17 - The Miz 11-27-17 - Elias 12-11-17 - Apollo Crews Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved.
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