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Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017 LAIMAN'S LINKS Marissa's Website Marissa's Blog Marissa’s podcast Twitter - @RisMcCool Email - [email protected] All my books and bookings are available at RisMcCool.com IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #333 - Thoughts on RAW - 11-6-17 1. Team? Team team team. I even like the sound of it. You may think this is a picture of my family on my desk. Well you're wrong, it's the A-Team. 2. Hello, UK! Putting up with three hours of RAW and half of it on the screen is on you this week! Curtis Axel's sad face in the terribly-applied neckbrace is already legendary. 3. Miz details how feuds are given now, since there's so much filler to get through on the main show that they just don't have room for it. Nice of him to rehash all of it so we can all figure it out again. He calls him "the bathroom break of Smackdown." This is a few months after he was called a dumpster fire. Weird that he's given a title despite this. Also, the "making the title relevant" doesn't have as much of an impact when it was something Enzo Amore said a few weeks ago. 4. I miss the time when Kurt Angle kept trying to do his entrance over again because he was offended over the chants. I do not miss when they badly attempted to end the chants by removing part of his music. 5. "Oh, you loved that TLC Pay-Per-View, didn't you?" Nope. 6. JBLdammit, do we have to watch Stephanie McMahon's replay again? Will she get her comeuppance this time? No. You know that won't happen. 7. An inferior complex? Oh, no time for questioning, MORE replays! 8. And additional sentence... A third replay with voice-over this time. Thanks, Exposition Fairy. 9. Another thought though, it's awfully weird seeing Miz using Daniel Bryan as a point of defensive righteousness. Wait, no, that's what he wanted. 10. "So Braun Strowman could try to crush us with a garbage truck." Yes, that did sound as silly as you think it did. 11. As awkward as that segment was at points, the ultimate pay-off of Angle revealing that he promised Strowman a match against him was gold. 12. "Guitar on a pole match?" WWE, Vince Russo called, he wants his everything back. 13. Elias gets one-man show lighting, guitar-less. He deserves that for making my tweet from TLC come true and singing "Wonderwall" with Club Sandwich on this tour. Son of a bitch, even he's referencing it now. 14. His dialogue reminds me of T-Bird from the Crow. "One of my boys went and got himself perished. Now he's up on that pole after Jason Jordan broke all its strings in alphabetical order." 15. A musical gimmick being interrupted by the face's music? Why I've never heard of such a thing! Most unorthodox. 16. Oh hey, the upper deck even has red lights shining on it. That must be nice... 17. Upon returning, Michael Cole has to remind us what the match is about, and Booker has to remind us how much he hates Jason Jordan. They ask how cathartic it must be to hit someone with a musical instrument, reminding me once again how weird wrestling really is, and that might be a more apropos question if it already hadn't happened. 18. Well that was... anti-climactic. Did the guitar have a mic inside of it for the sound effect? 19. That match preview with full graphics was a pretty awesome upgrade. I dig it. That's why they won't keep it. 20. "This business is built on respect," someone screams during a garbage reality show with a major on-screen character yelling out of accent and out of character. 21. The Bar approach Kurt and his magical distraction phone, and we're going to see Dean/CFJ and the Bar... a-fucking-gain. JBLdammit, stop doing the same fucking matches over and over again! 22. Asuka's outfits are unbelievable, though it seems they struggled to find someone to cut to for a reaction. Doesn't look great when everyone else is sitting down, but whatever. Aaaand, she's facing a jobber, so... Asuka wins. 23. Aiden just said that Asuka's hair looks like a cup of Trix yogurt. I'm going to assume that's accurate for the "Umpress" (Thanks Michael Cole). 24. Cut to the weird Love Boat crossover and we learn through interspersed clips that Asuka's been named to the women's team. I'd sure hope so. Meanwhile, Titus Worldwide is still a thing, despite winning matches slightly more often than my hometown Browns. Let me guess, Titus is facing him this time and losing horribly? 25. Yep, that's what it is. 26. Or maybe not, Joe needs to attack from behind. At least it saves us from having to see that match. Joe continues to the ring anyway because he needs to growl at someone. He demands a match, which he gets from a guy who really enjoys accepting open challenges where it's not going to go well for him, the great Pumpkin Demon himself, Finn Balor. 27. Voice-activated showers in a John Cena movie? That's just wacky! 28. At least this match will get more of a reaction than Titus's. I forgot that these two had some brutal matches in NXT. Good times, when we had hope for so many... 29. Finn's getting to use his wide-eyed Enzo impression for this selling. At least in this case, if there's anyone on this roster, aside from maybe Strowman, that I believe could cause such a reaction, it'd be Samoa Joe. 30. Fantastic counter to the Coquina Clutch by Balor. Is the arena just too big to be appropriately capturing the reaction? It sounds quiet. Or polite. Not sure which. 31. The fight ends up outside the ring, and we get a double-countout, to a telling chant from the crowd. They brawl on the stage, which leads me to believe that someone's fake pyro is about to sound. If this is going to be a feud, especially if it means Balor is moving on from Bray, I am so down. 32. Kurt Angle gets on the mic to once again to remind us of the exact catch phrase, but it gets both of them on the team. Good call. Shinsuke, Joe, Bobby Roode, and Balor representing NXT in this year's main event. Balor celebrates with a jumping forearm that puts the Superman punch to shame. 33. Bo Dallas gives a half-time motivational speech that would make even Robert Loggia green with envy. I'm sure the Miz is no longer terrified. Get it? Got it? Good. I don't get it. Good job, team. Bathroom's on the left, we're fighting turtles. 34. After not being seen on screen with him in weeks, Kurt picks, of all people... Jason Jordan for the team because reasons. Booker doesn't like it, what a shock. 35. "Two of the greatest superstars on RAW today, Bayley and Sasha Banks." Oh, you mean one of those who had a surprise comeback and has lost pretty much every match since then? Good call. Sasha looks so bored. Or, as she quotes O Brother, Where Art Thou, "that don't make no sense!" 36. So... Nia comes out, commercial, then Bayley and Sasha, THEN Alicia? I suppose her using the Love Boat to hulk up did deserve that spot. Good to see Britain still loves Bayley though. 37. Booker T compares Alicia Fox to the freaking Astros, because years and years of building and having relevant wins is totally the same thing as winning one match randomly. And what leadership ability? Trying to do some sort of Captain's Log that only her stuffed animals and the voices in her head understand? Do they talk to her? Do they understand? They talk to her. 38. I heard the Futurama theme and got excited. Then I remembered what match was coming back on, so it balanced out quickly. 39. What an interesting angle that would be, if Corey Graves turned out to be some kind of informer. They started to allude to his connections during the Jason Jordan thing and then never followed up on it. I assume Graves' connection is somewhere having a pint with Goldust's protege. 40. Is this the adjective that Team RAW needs, Michael Cole? Sell it harder! 41. Alicia taps to the Bank Statement... for the fourth time in recent memory. Our RAW team captain, everyone. 42. Alicia then gets on the mic to say that she wants Sasha on her team. Not even the tech crew is sure what the point of that was, so we wait through the awkward silence until her music hits. 43. Ohai Braun... Wait, that's not the main event? Weird. 44. In case you missed the opening, here's the recap of the entire feud leading up to this. Better make sure it's all snapshots, just in case someone really wants to order the Network to see what happened in full speed from that Pay-Per-View... 45. With great trepidation, Miz enters with the confidence of Eric Young. The "Don't Fire Eric" Eric Young, not bizarre hipster beard on LSD Eric Young. 46. Remember when Ryback had like six months' worth of jobbers and then faced the Miz, and they did their best to make it seem like a competitive match? I'm having some flashbacks to that. 47. After punching Bo Dallas right in the fuck, Strowman then throws around someone in a neckbrace. Security comes out for a brawl, but not for attacking an injured person. Kay. Braun then paraphrases Billy Kidman's weird theme, throws Miz out of the ring, and... Speaking of Ryback, fake pyro time! 48. Braun yells "YOU PUT ME IN A GARBAGE TRUCK!" Yep, still silly. Braun reverses a chokeslam into the powerslam, but then we get zombie sit-up. Your short hair is showing. Three people then attack from behind and may as well be paper bags that Kurt Angle used to wrestle to five-star matches. 49. A Texarkana mention from Dean (we like Dean) makes me miss Larry Sweeney. But he also likes the colors of the cycle of bruises. Crossfit Jesus, still missing the Shield returning and being badass, is going for some comedy. Maybe they should spray paint "poopy" on... I don't know, the go-kart or whatever it is they drove to the show. Worked for Cena. Renee does the Shield bump. Cause she loves Dean. We like him, but she loves him. She wins the HAM. 50. Enzo comes out in Patrick Ewing's pajamas and starts yakking before the announcers get through the graphics. He compares himself to the bubonic plague hitting Europe. Accurate. 51. I wonder if Enzo is confusing Miz's Titan Tron camera flashes for the paparazzi. Silly Enzo, MNM isn't there, so there's no paparazzi. He's still talking. 52. This is somewhere between the Little Jimmy promos and Simon Dean's motivational speeches, and even the commentators are begging for his mic to be cut. I have no idea what the fuck he's talking about. 53. Kalisto comes out, sits down, and who comes out but... Pete Dunne! Wait, no it's Kurt Angle. Wouldn't that have made more sense if he came out before the music hit? The grown-up version of the awkward buttdance kid from Wedding Singer is here to protest kneepads and kick Enzo in the mouth. Oh, and get that sweet, sweet UK pop. 54. It's good to have someone new for the UK pop now that William Regal isn't on standby anymore. 55. "Enzo's actually attempting a wrestling maneuver now." What a maneuver! Well played, Corey. 56. The Bruiserweight wins on a four count, and Kalisto raises his arm. He's gonna lose tomorrow, but my husband still holds a bit of hope for kinda like a woo. 57. Another video package to pretend that something has developed in the MAY-hal/Lesnar feud. 58. Is it really Brock Lesnar "returns" when it's been like two weeks? 59. Yeah, maybe it won't be the feud that we've made all the video packages for. AJ Styles has a chance. Now, moving on, Alexa is not impressed with being called on her shit in regard to a crazy cat lady. 60. I'm assuming that's a bad reference to make in Manchester? Their attire? To keep the European team from getting cheered, perhaps? 61. Take 87 on this match. I managed to avoid the supposed spoiler that WWE gave away, for some reason, because that's a sure sign of taking your product seriously. I guess they're trying for Reverse Psychology Tony Schiavone? Might as well try to capture lightning in a bottle twice. 62. Oh hey, the X-Factor from Crossfit Jesus. Fair enough. Sorry, it's the 87th match between these two and I'm trying really hard to care. 63. Cesaro sees Braun's punch in the fuck and raises him one for the honor. 64. "We're gonna have new champions if Cesaro hits this (a superplex)!" Name the last time a superplex ended a match that didn't involve the ring collapsing. 65. What a surprise not-ending. I thought the Shield had it there, but... OH SHIT, it's the New Day! It's about time they followed up on this. 66. New Day jokes about staying awake through the three-hour show. It'd be amusingly self-aware if it weren't so accurate. They're also calling the RAW roster out for doing nothing after the siege. Also accurate. 67. Kurt starts gathering the troops, but it's too easy. It's a trap, somewhere. Somehow. They're gonna trap somehow with the tag titles, aren't they? Yep. That's what they're gonna do. That was the master plan of the New Day? Get Sheamus and Cesaro in the match? I don't get it. Fuck, that also means... what, the third heel vs heel champions match at Survivor Series? Right, cause those are always the most fun? 68. And... that's it. They finally address having their show invaded by... switching the tag titles to make the Bar face the Usos,to join Corbin/Miz and Alexa/Natalya for heel vs. heel matches. I don't get it. RAW overall was fine, but when you need it to have a sense of urgency after a surprise finish two weeks ago, it has yet again failed to do so. What was the point? Why would sneak-shotting the tag title match matter? Because they fear Roman Reigns coming back? What the hell just happened? HAM OF THE NIGHT Renee had it until New Day provided us some harshly accurate criticism of RAW. It'd all be funny if it weren't so true. 2012 - Daniel Bryan 2013 - Paul Heyman 2016 - Chris Jericho 1-2-17 - Kevin Owens 1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher 1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels 1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose 1-16-17 - Sami Zayn 1-17-17 - John Cena 1-23-17 - Xavier Woods 1-24-17 - James Ellsworth 1-30-17 - Mick Foley 1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan 2-6-17 - Goldberg 2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan 2-13-17 - Chris Jericho 2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss 2-20-17 - Lana 2-21-17 - Maryse 2-27-17 - Mick Foley 2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt 3-13-17 - Paul Heyman 3-14-17 - AJ Styles 3-20-17 - Austin Aries 3-21-17 - Mizcena 3-27-17 - Big Cass 3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena 4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists 4-2-17 - The Undertaker 4-3-17 - Chris Jericho 4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura 4-10-17 - Braun Strowman 4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura 4-17-17 - Samoa Joe 4-18-17 - Nobody 4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss 4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler 5-8-17 - The Miz 5-9-17 - The Usos 5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill 5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze 5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt 5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley 5-30-17 - Fashion Files 6-5-17 - The Miz 6-26-17 - Paul Heyman 6-27-17 - The Ascension 7-3-17 - TROOF 7-10-17 - Paul Heyman 7-17-17 - Crossfit Jesus 7-18-17 - Randy Orton 7-24-17 - Kurt Angle 7-25-17- Chris Jericho 7-31-17 - Bray Wyatt 8-7-17 - Paul Heyman 8-8-17 - Arn Anderson 8-14-17 - Big Cass 8-15-17 - Breezango 8-28-17 - John Cena 9-4-17 - Braun Strowman 9-11-17 - The Miz 9-18-17 - Neville 9-19-17 - Dolph Ziggler 9-24-17 - Paul Heyman 9-25-17 - Alexa Bliss 9-26-17 - Dolph Ziggler 10-2-17 - The Miz 10-3-17 - Rusev 10-9-17 - Finn Balor 10-10-17 - The Usos 10-16-17 - Curtis Axel 10-22-17 - Kurt Angle 10-23-17 - Drew Gulak 10-30-17 - The Miz 10-31-17 - Kofi Kingston/Rusev/Becky Lynch 11-6-17 - New Day Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved.
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