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Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017 LAIMAN'S LINKS Marissa's Website Marissa's Blog Marissa’s podcast Twitter - @RisMcCool Email - [email protected] All my books and bookings are available at RisMcCool.com IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #326 - Thoughts on RAW - 10-9-17 1. Well, I was going to watch the playoffs, but apparently the Manny Acta-era Cleveland baseball team has shown up in the Bronx. JBLdammit I hate the fucking Yankees. At least here, I know I'll be disappointed by a company that continues to mystify by keeping the main belt on a main jobber whose primary attribute appears to be cutting racist promos. 2. We open up with the Miz distracting himself from our hometown's inevitable, eventual meltdown into yet another disappointment, Curtis Axel finds his way into winning gold for the first time in a long time, albeit a Mizzy. You know what those are. They're a step below a Razzie. 3. Sheasaro get themselves another one, complete with Corey Graves saying the sentence "these two are proud of their MIzzy." That's a sentence I had to write out with words. 4. Miz takes the credit for putting the end to Roman Reigns. Good JBL, if only that were true... 5. Miz gives the final award to himself, and it's hard to think that the "you deserve it!" crowd chants are ironic this time. 6. Roman is the first guest on Monday Night interruptions, and gee, you'd think this guy got beaten down last week or something. Nope, vague smile and apathetic disinterest as usual. He's getting cheered this time though, so what the fuck do I know? 7. Roman teases that he's giving them one chance to "get up out his ring." Fortunately, Miz is doing the bulk of the human speaking. He talks about the rumors being nothing but hype, and Reigns says "what rumors?" 8. Dean comes out to stand beside Roman, and apparently during that awkward silence last week, they decided to be buddies again. Crossfit Jesus comes out with his separate entrance, and this is reminiscent of Evolution reuniting to face this very stable a few years ago. But it's awesome nonetheless, and the crowd is going absolutely insane. 9. Dean doing his little shivy. It drives the women here in Cleveland crazy. At least as crazy as the Cleveland lineup that hasn't scored a run in at least 11 innings... Fucking Yankees... Sorry, I'm getting distracted again. 10. If we're running with nostalgia, might as well try that instead of something nobody was buying into. Those three hit the ring, Miz powders to watch on, and looks like the Shield will be headlining Minneapolis in two weeks. It'll be nice if that can manage to not suck. 11. Miz gets cornered and takes a DDT for his efforts. There's gonna be a fist bump here and the reaction will blow the roof off the building. 12. Dean and CFJ reuniting took about two months, and this lasted about two weeks, but regardless, it worked, and the crowd got what they wanted. And something involving Roman Reigns is getting cheered. 13. Hearing "believe that" only reminds me of Spoony's rant at the end of the Warrior comic review. "Believe what? Who the fuck is that? Why the fuck is he a cyborg? What the fuck is up with that hair? You could cut glass with that flat top." Cued below, but that series of videos is worth checking out if you're a wrestling fan and enjoy bad Ultimate Warrior impressions... which you're reading this column, so you must at least tolerate them... 14. Nothing will help Jason Jordan regain his pop than having to somehow follow that. Ooh goodie, he's facing half a Club Sandwich, pivoting from a Facebook video feud. Joy. 15. Their gimmick is literally the bad guys from Revenge of the Nerds in 2017. Be a star or something. 16. Good guy faces are more easily distracted than a ref in an Eddie Guerrero match. 17. Jason Jordan wins, because this wasn't a Jinder Mahal angle where someone loses for months, then suddenly wins and is unstoppable. Yeah, still annoyed that a guy who beat John Cena and Randy Orton within relative proximity can't beat one-third of 3MB in two tries. Hope that India business is booming. 18. Wow, Curtis Axel can't even keep an ice pack on the right place. You've got moxy, kid. Kurt comes to check on him, as if he's even feigned giving a shit, and the main event in Minneapolis is a TLC match with the reunited Shield. All other things aside, that'll be freaking amazing to see live. I expect the crowd to be nuts, even if the match isn't. 19. Good ol' Elias halfname is here to beard-prepare us for the inevitably disappointing Sister Abigail question with his out-of-tune acoustic. Come on man, surely one roadie has a tuner, no? 20. Ha, Indy 500. It's funny because it's local. 21. "I like the sound of my own voice too much." Subtle. Elias is interrupted by an out-of-tune banjo, which is honestly hard to distinguish, and Titus O'Neil borrowed a wireless mic from Simon Dean for a cheap pop. Indianapolis must be excited to see wrestling in general if Titus Worldwide is getting a pop like that. 22. We're trying to get hyped after two matches where he beat Apollo, one match where he beat Titus, but now he has a badly-played banjo, so that makes all the difference? Let's keep having the same match every week, maybe it'll work this time! 23. We come back where clearly the fourth time is the charm. Except not, because Apollo's getting his ass kicked, so... It's like Tito said in his HIAC review: is there only one match formula to have? 24. Did Elias get handed down Old School? Have I paid little enough attention to notice that? 25. Oh wow, Crews lost again. This has officially been useless. So it'll probably continue for another two months. 26. So the Tribe can score a run. I'll be damned. Still has too much of a last year's World Series feel to it, but being from Cleveland means always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do look forward to the day where we have professional football in our city again though. 27. And now for Enzo Amore, because I haven't been thinking enough about him with the Bronx crowd singing Seven Nation Army every pitch last night. Is he going for the Lannister look now or something? 28. Did Enzo make a Kurt Angle-HBK feud reference? Sexy Kurt will make your ankle hurt? That's almost as old as being on the Kirt Angle Fans board on LiveJournal. I worked at Blockbuster at the time. You decide which of those is a more old-fashioned sentence. 29. Kurt Angle's music hits on beckon call for Enzo Amore so that portion of the show. It's nice to hear something other than naptime during the 205 segments. 30. The semantics of clause-signing timing. I can hear the ratings rise! 31. "Enzo is speechless for once." Commentary line of the year, right there. 32. After Enzo gets an agreement to be in the main event slot for the third week in a row, making Kalisto vs. Enzo tonight, it becomes a lumberjack match. All right, fair enough! 33. Coming up next, the Bray Wyatt rambling hour! But first, recaps! 34. "The Shield will be together for the first time in years!" Yeah, like three. 35. So the Bray Wyatt Power Hour of Love isn't next, Braun Strowman destroying some poor sap is. I'm good with that. They can add Bray Wyatt's promos to Fashion Files if they wanna get all their weirdness in one segment. 36. Does Braun Strowman get to be part of the Lumberjack match? I'll pay for a year of the Network down up front if they do that. In his continuation of facing other relatively successful people on the card, it's Matt Hardy's turn. 37. WWE has an injured reserve list now? Does that mean they can activate someone from NXT to replace him on the 53-man roster, or are they just using words they've heard other places to lend an air of legitimacy to the roster rules they've never established? 38. Corey Graves is on fire (no Kane) tonight. When asked what he'd do if he saw Strowman smiling at him. "Go back to college." 39. Braun is getting great experience with tremendous in-ring workers here. I would've liked to have seen a lot more of these before his title shot, as it may have made that even more compelling, but we gotta make sure Bork Laser looks good, so... I don't know. 40. As hilarious as it was to see Matt attempt to lock in the Twist of Fate, he never had a chance. 41. Michael Cole distinguishes between Braun "tearing apart" and "ripping apart" the locker room. What's the difference? Well, one is tearing us apart, Lisa, and the other is the fabric of society over whichever social issue is trending. 42. Strowman is confronted by the fucking Shield. This is a good use of your Shield. Awesome! 43. Holy shit, the Shield ain't fuckin' around! Wait, now we go from Strowman tearing apart to Shield tearing apart the announce table? Strowman's gonna get the ol' triplebomb! Wow! That looked devastating! 44. With all the ladders in the match logo, I thought Bliss/James was going to be a ladder match. Also, do you think Asuka's debut might be in the Emma's tag partner of the week variety? 45. Mickie starts turning up the HAM progressively more throughout the promo, and even lets that Southern accent out a little more. I find it charming. She refuses to be interrupted by someone's entrance music, which makes her an exception, and I'm definitely glad I missed the tasteless age jokes last week. 46. Hair bumps are back in, apparently. But Bliss got a video produced by the Best of Braden Walker meets the Vaudevillains. That's better than adult diaper jokes at least. 47. Proving that WWE fans will literally chant anything, "biscuit butt" is now a thing. 48. The Asuka promos keep getting better, and that transitions into Bayley and Sasha trying to outsnark each other to be Asuka's opponent. 49. Oh good JBL, Alicia Fox is screeching again. Where's the mute button? 50. Apparently Raden's coming on down before Emma pitches her Twitter gimmick. Are we gonna have a five-way match for a chance to face Asuka? A number-one contender's match for a... singles match against someone? Kay. 51. Meanwhile, random tag match with 205Live people. Gallagher has become a devious little bastard, apparently. You broke the umbrella? Galahad's gonna be pissed, yo. Eggsy! 52. Jack Gallagher wrestles in a suit vest and tie. That's impressive. Works for him better than the old outfit too. Unfortunately, the level of giving a shit has not translated much to the rest of the division. In due time, I hope. 53. Brian Kendrick and Jack Gallagher get the win with the Sliced Bread No. 2, and most of the crowd is staring at their phones. 54. Is Bray's rant up next this time? I thought it was earlier, but it turned out not to be. 55. Shieldville? Cole, can you manage to not make something awesome lame for once, please? Better recap it... again. Good JBL, with this many recaps, why even have the rest of the show? 56. Meanwhile, Kurt borrowed Stephanie's phone and gets another backstage segment with the Miz. Oh shit, you mean the guy the Shield just beat up is also gonna be in the match? Here's some heavy breathing with a sweaty face. 57. I'd get excited for Finn Balor coming out too, but it's the continuation of a feud that should've ended at least twice already, so... Maybe Bray will come out with an untuned banjo this time. Anything can happen in the WWE! 58. Continuing with Monday Night interruptions, Bray gets to be backstage again... No wait, it's an empty rocking chair... But maybe now we can delineate whether or not the character whose corpse Randy Orton set on fire is to be feared? Thank JBL I don't care. 59. So now, Bray's throwing a cloth over his face and might as well be saying "Hello, Finn! Do you like scary movies?" 60. Did Michael Cole seriously just say "Susan G Colon?" 61. When did they announce that this was an elimination match? When even the commentators are confused by that, it's not a good sign of communication. 62. Bayley and Sasha start going at it, pretty much without any buildup, but okay. It's fine. Please tell me Alicia Fox isn't pinning... Are you frakking kidding me? Really? 63. It's time for the "Alicia Fox yells random things" portion of the match. I'm only reminded of this because as someone who hasn't been on the show in months, she just pinned someone who had a major return and was wrestling for the title. That makes so much sense! 64. Well, I was close. Emma, with the entire gimmick based on Twitter, earned the right to get destroyed at TLC. None of this made any sense whatsoever. 65. Did the Shield reunite tonight? I'm not sure. You think they'd mention it or something. 66. Finn should get his own Mizzy for having to sell this like he's actually taking it seriously. 67. More fucking recaps? Are you serious?! 68. Kalisto plays the namedropping game to do the best he can to get a reaction. At least he's trying. Should work better than a random tag match. 69. Oh truly we did need another version of the Enzo speech. Corey talked over it the whole time, so that helped. He's even less impressed with his knowledge of American mythological figures, but at this point, we're just going to get more half-baked trash talk. 70. Mr. Laiman finally gets to watch his favorite in the main event, complete with the loudest, most HAMtastic mask ever. 71. Those cruiserweights are showing an awful lot of restraint, considering all the shit this guy has talked on them in recent weeks. Did Neville not wanna play, too? 72. The cruiserweights are more interested in bitching at each other, to the point that Enzo reminds them of what their job is supposed to be. If we're gonna make this the main event, can we at least not have them acting like the audience did during the earlier tag match and try giving a shit? 73. Y'all, I don't know if you guys experience watching your loved ones be completely invested in something they enjoy, but watching Aiden truly get into wrestling because his favorite wrestler is finally doing something relevant; it's pure joy. Plus he's freaking adorable, so that helps too. 74. Suplex into the entire division, and finally the crowd is alive! Perfect time to remind us of the Shield though. That happened tonight, have ya heard? 75. The cheap shot to Ali comes back to bite Enzo in the ass. He yells at him and gets clotheslined to fuck for it. He ends up getting the finisher from the top rope, and divebombed by a celebration with Cedric Alexander and... that's it. Mr. Laiman is marking the fuck out, and I made the right decision in viewership tonight. 76. They're treating the Cruiserweight championship like it's a big deal, and that's a step in the right direction. Mention the Shield one more time though! It's the second coming of the App. Regardless though, that was a pretty fun night, even with not even the people in the match knowing what was going on with the women's match. The moments are what make it, and this had more than its share. HAM OF THE NIGHT I'm gonna give it to Finn Balor, for one reason and one reason only: seeing something as silly as he did and then trying to convince everyone that he took it seriously, that deserves a HAM. I mean, yeah, it was Bray Wyatt's Magic Burnt Corpse Light Show, but Finn didn't have a Boogeyman-like laughing fit over it. That deserves a HAM in my book. He's committed to his job, no matter how silly it may be this week. Bonus one for Mr. Laiman though for experiencing the true joy of marking out. He's happier than me knowing there's gonna be a game 5... Ick. 2012 - Daniel Bryan 2013 - Paul Heyman 2016 - Chris Jericho 1-2-17 - Kevin Owens 1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher 1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels 1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose 1-16-17 - Sami Zayn 1-17-17 - John Cena 1-23-17 - Xavier Woods 1-24-17 - James Ellsworth 1-30-17 - Mick Foley 1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan 2-6-17 - Goldberg 2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan 2-13-17 - Chris Jericho 2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss 2-20-17 - Lana 2-21-17 - Maryse 2-27-17 - Mick Foley 2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt 3-13-17 - Paul Heyman 3-14-17 - AJ Styles 3-20-17 - Austin Aries 3-21-17 - Mizcena 3-27-17 - Big Cass 3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena 4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists 4-2-17 - The Undertaker 4-3-17 - Chris Jericho 4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura 4-10-17 - Braun Strowman 4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura 4-17-17 - Samoa Joe 4-18-17 - Nobody 4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss 4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler 5-8-17 - The Miz 5-9-17 - The Usos 5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill 5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze 5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt 5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley 5-30-17 - Fashion Files 6-5-17 - The Miz 6-26-17 - Paul Heyman 6-27-17 - The Ascension 7-3-17 - TROOF 7-10-17 - Paul Heyman 7-17-17 - Crossfit Jesus 7-18-17 - Randy Orton 7-24-17 - Kurt Angle 7-25-17- Chris Jericho 7-31-17 - Bray Wyatt 8-7-17 - Paul Heyman 8-8-17 - Arn Anderson 8-14-17 - Big Cass 8-15-17 - Breezango 8-28-17 - John Cena 9-4-17 - Braun Strowman 9-11-17 - The Miz 9-18-17 - Neville 9-19-17 - Dolph Ziggler 9-24-17 - Paul Heyman 9-25-17 - Alexa Bliss 9-26-17 - Dolph Ziggler 10-2-17 - The Miz 10-3-17 - Rusev 10-9-17 - Finn Balor Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved.
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