Posted in: In Laiman's Terms IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #300 - Thoughts on RAW - 6-5-17 By Marissa Laiman Jun 5, 2017 - 11:08:06 PM

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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #300 - Thoughts on RAW - 6-5-17

1. Welcome to my 300th column on LOP, everyone. Whether it's your first or 300th with me, I certainly hope you enjoy my combination of wrestling, snark, pop culture, and just a little bit of, shall we say, flamboyance? Thank you to anyone who has supported me over these last six years.

2. Call me crazy, but I don't think WIlkes-Barre cares for Roman Reigns. I'm surprised they haven't asked how Roman Reigns feels about Samoa Joe winning the title and who he thinks is going to win.

3. Speak of the (Lack of) Expressive One, he's the first to participate in Pardon the interruption. As usual, he's looking around like he's at a beach somewhere, and at least he's not going over clean in the main event... again. I'm told though that his name means "runt of the litter." The other men in his family are very large. (There's a deep cut for episode 300! Rissy brings the best in weird obscure 90s pop culture references.)

4. Bray laughs at him like he read the initial plan for Roman to go over and face Lesnar at Summerslam, WrestleMania, and if possible, the women's tournament. Apparently he didn't bring his own mic, so he has to use the almighty charisma of his entirely black discount Big Boss Man outfit to grab the mic. Damn, where were these loud crowd reactions every other time I was in Wilkes-Barre?

5. Somehow, Roman even manages to look disinterested at punching someone right in the fuck. Michael Cole makes an unfortunate metaphor by saying that Reigns is "marking his territory." I'd make a joke, but I can't best Brian's: "Yes, I do agree, Roman's constant presence is indeed pissing on that ring."

6. The match between them is fine, and they've had a lot of history together. It's been interestingly-paced, though. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

7. Two commercial breaks in this match already?

8. Roman begins another comeback, as they give the long shot with blue lights to give the feel of a WrestleMania match, and not just because Roman's in it again.

9. Joe winning changed the course of the new era? Wow! They should've told us about that before it happened! Maybe 48 times in the opening and pepper it throughout?

10. Damn, this is the longest match to open RAW that I can remember, and it's pretty damn good, all things considered. If only anything last night could've been half as fun...

11. That was a badass counter to the Sister Abigail, but seriously, Roman wins clean yet again. He's now beaten every star that was in that five-way in singles matches cleanly, except for Joe. Are they really this oblivious? Third year of it, maybe it'll work now? Great match nonetheless, wasn't expecting it at the start of RAW, let alone on RAW at all, but yet another Roman Reigns clean single victory. Please reunite the Shield so I can give a shit again.

12. "Reigns' patented spear"? Fuck you, Michael Cole. Reigns didn't invent, or even improve the damn spear. Just because you make shit up to desperately try to make this work doesn't mean it will.

13. Is that an Eminem song in a Despicable Me trailer? My, how things have changed. I will forever despise that movie for spawning a million memes that have nothing to do with minions but yet have them on it for no discernible reason.

14. And now back to "who ran over Enzo?" Big Cass looms over, just waiting to eat someone for breakfast. Sounds like he's starting his own version of the APA: The EAPA: Enzo Amore Protection Agency. Corey Graves is still selling the angle, and the plot thinnens.

15. We had a long match, so naturally we have to put a bunch of filler after it, because too much wrestling? To answer in the form of a response to Rich Swann's song, we can't handle this, can't handle this, can't handle this!"

16. So yet again, all heels won the championship matches last night. How is this supposed to be fun again? And Neville won against Aries AGAIN?! What was the point of that entire angle then?

17. Now, back to more time-wasting backstage, hilarity is about to ensue as Alexa approaches proud uncle Kurt Angle. She passive-aggressively asks for congratulations, and then says she didn't come here for that. Please don't tell me we're getting another talk show. At least Kurt makes it funny, and even he says it was one of the worst segments in the history of RAW. I'm glad I gave it the HAM without seeing it. Sounds like having technical difficulties was a better experience. Alexa tries to make her own version of Miz's "really?" With "seriously." Thanks, Dad.

18. Now it's time for some Sampson concert, and we're getting another match with Dean because... Who the fuck knows. Anyway, here's Wonderwall.

19. When did he become the Not Ordinary guy from American Beauty?

20. This guy's like the grizzly Mike Birbiglia with this thing. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not yet, but I like that he's getting featured on the show. Cole compares him to Roger Waters, and Graves compares him to a bad college radio show. Isn't the face supposed to be the one who brings the heel back to reality and not the other way around? Roger Waters? We're not reaching hyperbole at all, are we?

21. Ambrose angrily disposes of him before the match even starts because fuck you, that's why. Miz denies Ambrose's request for a rematch, because apparently we can do that when it's convenient for the plot. Sampson gets the attack from behind, and stands strong over Ambrose once again. Well, we've sure been wasting time since having one long wrestling match, haven't we?

22. Who won the number one contender's match though?

23. Meanwhile, Dean finds Angle backstage, and he's out to manage to mess with everyone's buzz. Angle's not fond of dealing with Maryse, and suggests he take the night off. I'm sure that's exactly what'll happen.

24. I can only hear the song from South Park when seeing this picture show. "There's gonna be a MONTAAAAAAAAAGE! MONTAGE!"

25. The PPV is called Great Balls of Fire? ::hangs head:: Sometimes it's hard not to be embarrassed about being a wrestling, and things like that don't make it easy.

26. Like every heel in the history ever, Joe's gonna make things simple. Or is he a heel now? Or is Lesnar face? I guess it's just going to be two tough guys beating the shit out of each other. Why is he giving this promo like Deadman Undertaker? I half-expect him to say that Lesnar will rest in peace next. Joe gets to throw some shade at Lesnar's work schedule. Someone's sick of Lesnar's shit. He then asks Heyman to be his advocate, and if that ended up being Finn Balor and Joe under Heyman, that would be freaking amazing.

27. Listen to that pop for Heyman! Let's make this a thing! I'm still amazed at this incredibly hot crowd in Wilkes-Barre, an arena that was too small for Kane's pyro once upon a time. Heyman's having fun as he always does, and Joe seems just like the kind of guy that Heyman would love to elevate. Interesting angle to take, Joe likes that Lesnar doesn't fear him.

28. Heyman is still pushing for Lesnar vs. Balor, but he isn't fond of Joe/Lesnar, calling him the "worst case scenario." What a unique way to take this. Going with a new philosophy and direction for a storyline? Who said we were allowed to have this? Someone cue up "I'm gonna take what he holds most dear!" again, that always worked!

29. That was one of the best promos in years. Joe decides Heyman hasn't had enough awkward stares yet though, and says something off mic. So the camera gets close enough so we can hear it anyway. He politely explains what's going to happen to him. They get close enough to make Ronnie yell for the two to kiss, and then Heyman gets locked in a really awkward Coquina Clutch. Wilkes-Barre is not fond of that. Fantastic segment!

30. We come back with a replay of Joe's attack, except audio edited for clarity. Maybe he could've just kept the mic and that wouldn't have been the problem, but we don't have time for sensible solutions.

31. Graves asks how the Beast will react, but how can they not act what Roman Reigns thinks?

32. Meanwhile backstage, as we're approaching 45 minutes without a match, and Joe gets in Angle's face. Crossfit Jesus stands up to him in a case of convenient timing and overhearing. Maybe he had one of those fancy devices Robert Vaughan uses in BASEketball?

33. Thankfully, Angle would also enjoy seeing a wrestling match. I agree. After a long one to open the show, we've gone 2014 and Dead Hour'd the hell out of this.

34. Cole tries to be dramatic while Heath Slater and Rhyno are visible in the background. Looks like they're putting over the new champs. That draft really worked out for Rhyno's cracker diet, and literally nothing else.

35. I'm sorry, I know I harp on this a lot, but showing us pictures and describing what's in the background in the year 2017 instead of just showing a damn replay is freaking ridiculous.

36. Did Cesaro pull a Bo Dallas running around the ring?

37. After that complete waste of time, barely able to consider it a match at all, we go back to more replays. The opening of this show gave me false hopes. We're not even to the hour of death yet, but we've had almost a complete one already. This'll help those sagging ratings.

38. Sheamus takes to the mic, because we haven't had enough heel promos yet, and he asks who is happy that the Hardyz came back. I admit, I kinda like these guys as the high school bullies more than I do the Odd Couple. I'm pretty sure Cesaro did a New Day before they came up with their new catch phrase "we are the bar!" No one at this firm has EVER failed the bar.

39. Meanwhile, because Alexa and Neville had the exact same storyline/mentor/helpy person angle going, TJP decides to cash in on his. He didn't do it in front of Kurt Angle though, so it won't get followed up on. So how many more times do we get Aries/Neville again?

40. Every time that Queen person promo thing airs, she says "Do I have your attention now?" I both miss and lament the 2011 Summer of CM Punk and how badly WWE's lack of calling an audible ruined something awesome that could've been.

41. Back after an unfortunate incident in the house, and Goldust is at least being Goldy and not playing Pokemon Go, so... There's that. We get no return TROOF promo, which was actually pretty good.

42. Meanwhile, we get Alexa with the Charlotte-like rejection. She singles out Dana as the one who has made progress. Alexa trying to pitch an alliance is adorable though.

43. Now, back to "Who Ran Over Enzo?" Corey Graves is summoned for his weekly blackmail report. Then Kalisto comes out while still doing the taunt to his old music. And he's wrestling either Titus or Apollo... again.

44. Kurt's matters are now private. Was it all a ploy by someone's hairy arm? And oh look, the Revival is conveniently talking with their t-shirt name in full view.

45. And yet again in an angle nobody cares about, Kalisto wins and Titus and Apollo argue.

46. Now, Big Cass has been taken out and a ref finds him. The mystery goes on. The new plot element is a thick gold chain. Does it come with a complementary turtleneck?

47. Oh good, yet another ridiculous over-the-top celebration, and I'm not sure when Maryse became Lana. Wait, there's a Congratulations Bear? That has to be Ambrose. There's totally no way that Dean Ambrose didn't pull an Avengers (not the Marvel one) and dress up as a bear for anonymity. And yes, it makes just as much sense as Sean Connery doing it.

48. The crowd is chanting "you deserve it!" Okay, that chant has officially jumped the shark. And apparently Miz feels the same way, good call! Essentially, he wants to make the IC Title great again.

49. A TOAST.... to absent friends.

50. Maryse didn't get the bear... Oh shit! Miz hits the SCF on the poor bear, so I'm now guessing it's not Ambrose. Is that Johnny Gargano? Miz says at least he can say he was beat up by the Intercontinental champion. That was fucking amazing.

51. There's a big box, and I'm guessing that's another not-Ambrose Trojan Horse? Or... box? He gets a chair from the crowd while pretending to be impressed. I'm loving this freaking segment. He starts elbow-dropping the damn thing while Maryse freaks out. It was a... grandfather clock? Whaaaaaaaa? That's... random. You broke your wife's gift, you bastard! She's fed up with your shit, Miz!

52. It's the camera guy! He's behind you! Perfectly timed with a Jon Moxley sign. That segment was amazing. Two top-level segments tonight, both of them almost as loud as Miz's shirt. Ambrose gets a Wine 3:16 celebration to end it.

53. And now, the next twist in the story, who has the patience to hang out with Enzo? I'm pretty sure he busted out his Cass impression for it too, and he called in a favor. He's seven foot tall? Big Show? Yep. Big Show tolerates Enzo, kay. I think he's gonna punch him out.

54. This is weird. Big Show's a fun-loving guy, but he's trying to do his "not give a fuck" vibe. YES! He was possuming! This is the Big Show I wanted for years but instead we always got angry, quiet, yelly Big Show.

55. That was fun, but the Club is back down to being ridiculous. Backstage, Cass is wearing a saran wrap sling, and Cass is suspiscious of... Big Show? Kay.

56. Oh, there's the TROOF response segment. He quotes JBL in his WrestleMania 21 commercial while yelling at John Cena. (Yes, I know that's not the original.) Then Alexa gets another promo where she impersonates the bitchy character from She's All That. This has to be a show with more backstage segments than any RAW ever.

57. Now we've got an interesting size dichotomy for this match. How will Nia be so dominant after pretty much being invisible? Corey with the razor sharp observation: "You will NOT overpower Nia Jax." And now here come Dana and Mickie. So are they gonna form their own Welcoming Committee, because why the fuck not at this point?

58. Alexa gets herself DQ'd and... silence. Pins dropping. And after being attacked, for some reason, Mickie and Dana... get IN THE RING WITH THE WOMAN WHO ATTACKED HER?! How fucking stupid are you?!

59. Paul Heyman gets a segment with the most obnoxious loud old-school ring ringtone. Brock showing up via one-side phone call is almost the same thing as the champion appearing on television, right?

60. "You have to wonder if Samoa Joe will hear that news" because he has a match coming up... Right, because if he doesn't hear before his match, it doesn't count?

61. Man, they confirmed that appearance in the span of one commercial break? That's some efficient management!

62. They're doing a great job of making Joe a legit threat. Ever since he's been here, he's almost been an afterthought. He's given up on that whole "Trips and Steph are amazeballs" though, so that's a start.

63. "I can't remember the last time Rollins was dominated like this." Phrasing, Michael Cole! I'm not kinkshaming Crossfit Jesus, but you don't need to out him like that!

64. Someone said a bad word after that close fall!

65. Funny how he's back to being the Kingslayer now that he's not facing Roman. Wyatt's stinger goes off for no reason, leading Joe to get the Clutch. Ooooookay....

66. Think that ending promotion of Brock Lesnar has anything to do with dipping ratings, as Tito's been describing? Nah, that'd be silly.

67. Overall, there were some great moments in this show. Two good matches, two really good promos, and some entertaining stuff in between. But I swear, this show felt five hours long. I imagine RAW on Hulu will end up pretty well.

For anyone who doesn't mind my non-wrestling talk (although I did get a question about it on the QnA, be sure to check out my appearance in Allentown, PA this weekend here: https://youtu.be/hNUE-RY2hr8

Thank you for 300 columns here on LOP. Through good times and terrible three-hour RAWs, we've seen a lot over the years. I look forward to where the future may take us. No matter what, I can't ever stay cynical.


HAM OF THE NIGHT

It came down to likable Big Show vs. Miz, but Miz earned it with the line on the kid in the bear costume.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze
5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt
5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley
5-30-17 - Fashion Files
6-5-17 - The Miz

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact [email protected].