Posted in: In Laiman's Terms IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #298 - Thoughts on RAW - 5-29-17 By Marissa Laiman May 29, 2017 - 11:06:42 PM

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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #298 - Thoughts on RAW - 5-29-17

1. We start out by realizing it's yet another go-home show, because the PPVs are out of hand at this point, and Miz demanded a justification for rules at a PPV called Extreme Rules. It's a brilliant set up, all things considered.

2. His guests will be the finally-matching Cesaro and Sheamus, who have to be tired of being on the losing side of singles matches against them. Miz is so nice to leave a pause when mentioning the face team so the crowd can cheer.

3. OHMYGOD CESARO SAID IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING!!!!!!!

4. Ambrose lives in the dumpster? Wonder if he knows Oscar? They seem like they'd get along.

5. There's Dean. We still like Dean, and so does this crowd. He brought backup in the Hardyz, and damn... Talk about Team Extreme. That needs to be a triad of craziness. Crowd loves it too! And Cole says the champions stand tall, so clearly read a few results in his day.

6. We got ourselves a Teddy Long'd tag team match, playa! Six-man tag to open the show, and what a great way to get a usually ho-hum go-home RAW going! The hour of Death better not put us back to sleep!

7. Matt got punched right in the fuck, and I don't think either of them were expecting it.

8. You can't call the Hardyz the "new toy" in one sentence, and then talk about their experience in the next. Consistency, commentators, you lack it!

9. How nuts does Ambrose have to be to be on a team with Broken Matt and still be considered the "eccentric" one?

10. We end up getting Dean taken out on the outside for our second commercial break in the match already.

11. Aiden just asked why Matt is wearing a carpet for pants. Good question, sir. Good question indeed.

12. Interesting dramatic tag, Dean. Fall, wait a second, then tag. Did he miss?

13. Jeff went for the Twist of Fate. That doesn't happen too often.

14. Booker called it "classic" instead of "vintage." Isn't that worth a fine?

15. "If this happens on Sunday night, we will have 'and still tag team champions.'" .. Yeah, I got nothing for that one either.

16. Corey Graves suddenly apologizes and leaves the area. What?

17. Alexa Bliss is doing a "This is Your Life?" Oh goodness, HAM of the Month contender already? Please, let this be as amazing as it could be!

18. Kurt Angle being confronted by Corey Graves about... someone not appreciating how Kurt is running RAW? Graves is the insider or something? It's some kind of blackmail, because it could ruin him? What the... Did he run over the Rock or something?

19. And now, once again, Sampson concert! Samspon must've taken the "Guitar Guy at the Party" song too literally. Aaaaand, he's got a jobber match, so that makes sense after going against Ambrose.

20. Cole's praise of Sampson is straight out of the New Day intro. THE POWAAAAAAAAH!

21. Then Booker calls him "The Next Big Thing!" Sampson is Bork Laser after one match? Damn, do you guys even pay attention to what you're saying anymore?

22. Elias wants people to walk the line with him or something. Good thing they had him face Ambrose first or this might've seemed completely fucking pointless.

23. Graves was nice enough to wait until the end of that vital segment of television to come back. How polite!

24. The triple threat is going on already?!

25. Joe is getting entrance envy over Finn Balor, and that seems like the perfect time to bother him with a stupid question. Oh, wait, nevermind, it was a cheap plug for his show on the Network. Subtle. Enemies always promote each other's works.

26. Joe gets interrupted by Wyatt, and says "I'm the devil that ya don't know, Joe!" Holy shit, that was awesome. This is a lot of backstage time.

27. Did Wyatt study Tom Hiddleston before this promo? His delivery and mannerisms are so Loki that even Senshi is a bit pissed.

28. Once again, Balor is the one who doesn't say anything. Maybe that's intentional, as no one could really top the ones that Heyman used on him last week anyway.

29. How long before the Shut Your Whore Mouth award is given tonight? 18 seconds. It must pain Michael Cole to keep quiet that long.

30. There are two main events, and one consists of the two who were a part of the main event for so many straight weeks that we had the longest running clock since the "JTG is still on the roster" one, and the one that goes on at the 9 hour is the other three.

31. The first few moments of this match is essentially "who can throw people out of the ring" the most times? It's like a mini Rumble!

32. We get ourselves a little old-school Indy spot with two of the guys most associated with the Indies just a few years ago, go figure!

33. It seems like we skipped from the beginning of a match to the end rush of finishers, or this could just be a way to force a commercial break. Either way, it feels oddly paced.

34. Balor essentially takes the "face in peril" role with the other two being the hyenas, so to speak. It's a good cooldown period before the action picks up toward the conclusion.

35. Cole gets a little nuts about Balor's overhead kick, but it was more of a side angle kick if anything. Still looked pretty cool anyway.

36. Balor's hope spot is cut off by Joe showing Balor what real elevation is. You lose, sir.

37. Damn, another well-paced, good action match on a go-home show. This is some Twilight Zone right here. It's nice to see this much wrestling match without having to be reminded of Return of the Mack yet again.

38. Joe steals a win after Balor connects with the Ghetto Stomp. Fantastic television match right there. I'm really impressed.

39. Crossfit Jesus gets a backstage interview, and for some reason, he's not asked how he managed to be an Elias Sampson clone and not have half as awesome of a beard.

40. Ohai Rich Swann, you still exist, that's nice!

41. I love how they showed Sasha and Swann talking backstage, and still acted surprised when Sasha came out with him. Someone doesn't understand the Kuleshov Effect.

42. Oh well, no surprise there, but at least I didn't have to watch an Alicia Fox match. Nobody deserves that level of torment.

43. KFC apparently thinks Colonel Sanders deserves to quote JFK. They're just fucking with us now, aren't they?

44. Ohai Revival, glad you kept things fresh in our minds. Mouth clamped shut? Damn, that can't be pleasant. They seem awfully defensive over Enzo questioning, and they take the Sarah Palin angle of "gotcha" questions. Well at least someone didn't ask them what they read.

45. Here we go with the "Who ran over Stone Cold" angle, except it's Enzo Amore and it could be anyone who smacked him around.

46. Oh goodie, let's review a match that finally came to a head on a different show.

47. Now Cass is out towering over Corey Graves. And then he... shakes his hand? What the fuck is going on? Who ran over Enzo Amore?! And will all the wrong people get Stunner'd for it? These are the real questions that need answered!

48. I wonder if Neil Degrasse Tyson would be impressed with the surface tension of that Mila Kunis whiskey commercial? By the way, if you haven't seen "An Astrophysicist Goes to the Movies" live, I highly, HIGHLY recommend it.

49. So Titus won with a roll-up and a tights pull. Even Apollo isn't impressed with Titus's deliberate overcompensation.

50. Cole asking if Bayley can get extreme sounds like it was added in in ADR. Too close together and too off-tone from the other lines of dialogue. Entirely possible, I suppose. No camera was on him to say otherwise.

51. Time for a re-enactment of why Mick Foley was a fool, by having the female next generation version of Foley be subjected to it.

...

52. I apologize, technical difficulties. I just got my cable back at 10:36 and Goldust is speaking. The DVR didn't pick it up either, so I can't go back. I'm going to assume that Alexa Bliss got the HAM.

53. TROOF is doing a Goldust impression. Holy shit, is he going to be interesting for the first time since he was talking about swatting spiders? I'm good with that? Is that discount Muzak Superfly in the background?

54. I'm trying really, really hard to give a shit about Crossfit Jesus and Roman Reigns facing each other. But I didn't care in 2014, and I don't care now. Still somehow they're trying to make CFJ be the heel in this match, and absolutely no one is interested in that.

55. We go into commercial with a OOOOOOOOAAHHHHH thwarted, and I again apologize for the part of the show I missed thanks to Verizon being shitty again.

56. Am I mistaken, or have they not been calling CFJ the architect until this match because they're trying to heel him for this match?

57. So CFJ can kick out of a super inverted Superman Punch? Do either of these two have finishers that can put someone away without being repeated four times?

58. This match has turned its way up in the last few minutes, and is a great story to tell. Two guys who really don't hate each other, but know so much about each other that they can't help but use it against the other. CFJ breaks out the Phoenix splash but rolls through it quite gracefully. But, of course, Roman wins again. Shock. Great match, just won't be surprised when Roman gets to face Lesnar yet again, because they're determined to make this version of the face push work. Michael Cole, can you suck Roman off any harder?

59. Overall, even with the part I missed, this was quite an entertaining show, and the antithesis of what a go-home RAW, let alone RAW in general, usually is. Sorry about that lapse in coverage.

HAM OF THE NIGHT

I didn't even see it, but I'm still giving it to Alexa Bliss and discount Greg Sestero as Bayley's ex, who I saw briefly through trying to get the cable back.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze
5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt
5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact [email protected].