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LAIMAN'S LINKS Marissa's Blog Support In Laiman's Terms on Patreon Marissa’s podcast Inciting Incident Facebook Page DaWrestlingGuy.com Twitter - @RisMcCool Email - [email protected] Order The PC Lie Order False Start: The new novel by Marissa Or at http://www.wyrmwoodpublishing.com/books/ Also, my third published work is out, so check it out! Order: Silent Dreams IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #296 - Thoughts on RAW - 5-22-17 RIS: Joining me today for this column is a new wrestling fan, because I really wanted to see our contrasting perspectives on the business, Ronnie. Ronnie, thanks for joining me. RONNIE: Glad to be here, Marissa. 1. RIS: It took ten seconds for Michael Cole to break the “shut your whore mouth” award to open the show by ruining Bray Wyatt’s entrance, as usual. But who is in the title match at Extreme Rules? Booker must be on Skype delay. RONNIE: Ten? Are you sure? I don't even think the music started when he opened his mouth. 2. RIS: Samoa Joe used to be smarter than this. 3. RIS: The lights go out, and then back on again, as if he expected Kane from 1998 to enter, and he quotes what I’m sure is in some inspirational coach’s speech from every football movie ever made. RONNIE: Stand up! Bray-by stand up! Gimme your heart, gimme gimme your heart... 4. RIS: The one true savior? I didn’t realize Bray was a fan of the Straight Edge Society… Wait, you haven’t been watching nearly long enough to get that reference, my apologies. RONNIE: I never get anything, regardless of how much I've watched. No worries! 5. RIS: I alone can protect you, I alone can judge you, I alone love you, I alone tempt you, fear is not the end of this! RONNIE: Bray’s being extra adorable tonight, telling us he's gonna protect us and “please” ask him how he knows what he's talking about. Is he gonna ask us to prom? I hope he does. 6. RIS: Is it a Sadie Hawkin’s Prom? Bray borrowed sacrificing from the Undertaker? Did he hang them on giant goat signs? RONNIE: 7. RIS: Bray called out Finn Balor now. I think Ronnie might break something. RONNIE: Guess again! Bray can say whatever he wants and I don't mind. He's a silly spooky boy I don't take anything he says seriously...and now he literally just said “silly” god bless. 8. RIS: That “his yard now” thing is going over really well! Listen to that pop! RONNIE: Literally all Bray had to say was “there's a fifth” after saying Seth, Joe, and Finn are in it, and we immediately got the token fan girl squeal and however many other people are in the arena booing. Sharp crowd! 9. RIS: Here comes Roman Reigns looking stoic and bored, like literally every other time he’s come out in the last three years. RONNIE: I dunno, he looked pretty entertained when people booed him the entire opening the Raw after Mania this year. 10. RIS: Bray is singing verbal jingles and Roman Reigns is quoting old Kurt Angle promos. He had to fight saying “it’s true, it’s damn true!” He then goes Walt Kowalski and is about to tell the kids to get off his lawn. RONNIE: Bray’s reacting the same way to Roman’s yard bullshit as I am. How am I supposed to dislike Bray, again? Roman’s sounding like he's trying to be Bray’s dad. “Get out of my yard or you're grounded, mister!” 11. RIS: Okay Kurt, I know you’re living up to the adorable chanted suckfest, but now you’re dressing it too. And it’s amazing how every title match is the most important one of the new era. RONNIE: But Ris, this one is important because it could *change* the era, somehow! I like Kurt, I've never seen anyone so happy to be told he sucks. 12. RIS: All I can hear right now is Eddie Murphy in Coming to America saying “I AM VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE!” RONNIE: 13. RIS: Jinder Mahal. Jinder fucking Mahal. RONNIE: They photoshopped the Ambrose Asylum-plated WWE Title onto a picture of him they posted recently, did you hear that? Whoever's in charge of that shit cares as little as we do. 14. RIS: I am not surprised in the slightest that you would notice that. RONNIE: I didn't, admittedly, but I did notice it's shopped. Why did they bother when they literally showed photos getting taken of him with the belt when he stole it? Sounds like more work than anything else. 15. RIS: Wait, they acted like Crossfit Jesus and Bray had no past, but we’re going to acknowledge it between Roman and Bray? There’s that selective WWE history again, as if we don’t have access to the Network. RONNIE: LET'S GO ROMAN ROMAN SUCKS always baffles me that there's so many “Let's go Roman”s and I haven't even been into wrestling for a year yet. 16. RIS: Bray with a subtle tribute to George “The Animal” Steele there by biting the rope? “Hmmm, mansweat, yummy yummy yummy, dark matches rawr.” RONNIE: Oh my god they're not even talking about the match that much. They're talking about Roman and Braun for the umpteenth time. When do they bring up the Undertaker vs Roman match again? I sure can't wait. 17. RIS: Don’t you remember the Kalisto segment? Kalisto gets stretchered out, and all they can say is “dear JBL, what can Roman Reigns possibly be thinking about this?!” RONNIE: I'm trying to forget it, thanks. 18. RIS: Monday Night Interruptions is in full force, and Samoa Joe is pissed. I don’t care how big and bad you are, that can not be a pleasant sight. RONNIE: It's a pleasant sound though! Gotta love a guy with a dinosaur roar in his own theme song. 19. RIS: Way to sell that Clutch, Roman. It almost looked like it affected you for a minute. RONNIE: Oh boy, now here's Seth! Good, I almost forgot everyone who's gonna be in the fiveway again. 20. RIS: This is an interesting twist on the Monday Night Interruption; instead of getting the promos with music cutting them off, it’s a series of interferences. Is that a word? If not, it is now. And with Graves saying “watch your back for ya,” now I just hear that weird song from The Fast and the Furious… WATCH YO, WATCH YO BACK! WATCH YO WATCH YO WATCH YO BACK!” RONNIE: Wait whose music is this. Where's Finn? Is he okay? 21. RIS: That’s a good question. And where is Finn? Oh, he’s dealing with the Club Sandwich, so he couldn’t be bothered? RONNIE: OHHH this pointless thing again...are we gonna act like they were never a thing? Or are we gonna make some bullshit thing up about them never being friends, like with Harper and Rowan? 22. RIS: Aren’t all matches, adversarial, Corey? RONNIE: What, commenters saying something unnecessary? News to me... 23. RIS: Is that sarcasm I detect, young sir? RONNIE: Of course! 24. RIS: Cheetos brought back “Return of the Mack?” Wow, look at the time, 1994 already! RONNIE: I was just wondering when BK and/or Cheetos commercials became JibJab-created, but that too. 25. RIS: Meanwhile, in “We’re Not Gonna Be Shield Buddies Anymore,” Kurt decides they need a tag team match, playa! No shenanigans will happen whatsoever. RONNIE: Seth literally just said he cares more about Joe than Roman. And oh-- YESSSS ELIAS 26. RIS: Ohai Logan Shulo. We did need additional slicked long hair and a beard here. RONNIE: Holy shit this is happening. 27. RIS: Elias does his best impression of Roman Reigns not giving a shit, and still manages to convey more emotion than Roman Reigns. RONNIE: Dean?! But that's his only fan! 28. RIS: Tozawa is back now, and Kendrick is definitely watching backstage. He’s got the Manbun, but does he have the matching Romper? RONNIE: The Brian made a smart move, not sitting with commentary. I think Cole put everyone off after how hard he disrespected Neville. And literally everyone else. 29. RIS: Seriously? They care so little about this match that they’re going to cut to him in the middle? If they’re going to do that, at least have him have some random images flash on there while he’s not looking. Goldust doing the Scorpion King, Booker T in the supermarket, the Blue Meanie... RONNIE: Oops, I blinked. Tozawa won and no one is surprised. 30. RIS: What an effective use of television time. And then he terrifies a little girl by chanting in her face. RONNIE: Cole just said The Brian is unimpressed, and then The Brian said he's impressed immediately after. Awesome. 31. RIS: Consistency: You suck at it! RONNIE: Holy fucking god this poodle pop-tart commercial has been on every single goddamn night I can't stand it. 32. RIS: My daughter just said “we can’t have that, cause it has coffee in it.” RONNIE: That's adorable. She can stay. 33. RIS: My daughter also seeing the preview for Little Tykes or whatever that football kids show is: “That kinda looks like child abuse.” She’s 8. And not wrong. RONNIE: I'm sorry I'm having difficulty focusing after Kurt announced Reigns is going to be in the main event. He was in the first match, now he's in the last match. He is literally the beginning and the end. How long until they just openly announce that Roman Reigns is God? 34. RIS: No, no, no, not an Alicia Fox match, do not DO NOT! Do that. Also, why is Noam Dar wearing a pair of my leggings as a jacket? RONNIE: Why are you wearing his jacket as leggings? OH GOD YES ELIAS 35. RIS: Elias Concert! RONNIE: BABY'S FIRST RAW WORDS! 36. RIS: This is so bizarre after being on ring crew with him a few times in 2007. He’s grown so much since then… and so have I, for different reasons. RONNIE: Can't say I have any personal experience with him but I’ve loved him since I first saw him on NXT and I'm so glad that ever since he got kicked out by Kassius Herohno people have been loving him too. 37. RIS: At least someone is making a debut in a not-completely-obvious enhancement talent match. RONNIE: Can Maryse have a mic please? She never gets to talk on commentary but now she is and her mic isn't working. Also, hell yeah Miz telling off Cole. 38. RIS: This episode has been surprisingly well-paced. They’ll fuck it up in the Hour of Death (930-1030), but it’s nice now. RONNIE: I agree! And look at Elias go! And Booker is actually reigning commentary back in to comment on the match itself. 39. RIS: Tim Howard is shilling SNHU now? Did they hire all the people from ITT Tech once that sham went away? RONNIE: Unsure, I'm more focused on the fact that no matter how many times this restaurant chef guy says he won't put ribs on a burger, his co-worker keeps saying they should. It irks me. 40. RIS: How would these two dress for a street fight? RONNIE: “Who wants to walk with Elias?” I do! I'm too happy to care that he's beating up one of my favorites. 41. RIS: Michael Cole getting Miz back on track is somehow symbolic of the entire last year by being condescending. There’s also a guy in green who couldn’t look more bored if he was sitting through a Randy Orton/Jinder Mahal main event, but something like that would only happen in the depths of… Oh… Right. RONNIE: Luigi just isn't impressed after such an amazing match last night. Nothing can compare to Angry Beef Jerky with his Ande’s Mints brothers vs Giant Sperm Snake. 42. RIS: Elias Samspon with the high-rise jawfuckenknee for the nearfall, and that’s when Miz attacks Elias just to get disqualified. What a dick heel move, that’s awesome! It’s also the second straight match to end with a DQ. And, we get a Benny Hill chase scene to follow, and a version of the Roll the Dice is back too. That was fun! RONNIE: ELIAS WINS! HE WINS! YESSS! I wonder if Elias is going to be the Ellsworth to Miz’s Dean now? Getting Elias to win his battles because he can't get to the opponents on his own. 43. RIS: Cass is pissed. Who beat up Enzo this time? He quotes Mark from the last scene of the Room, only this time there isn’t a bunch of jelly splattered everywhere, and Cass just became that much more awesome. RONNIE: Holy shit Cass, this isn't the first time this has happened but he's so angry I kind of expect Enzo to be murdered. And now my mom asks if Enzo “has to be on tour or something” because she just walked by and that's what we told her about Jericho a few times he got his ass handed to him. Ohhh, Mom. 44. RONNIE: This movie about cars that eat people looks like the best dumbest thing ever and I need to see it. 45. RIS: Death Car: The Car That Eats People. 46. RIS: Cass asks if Enzo can see him, so he’s definitely not John Cena. RONNIE: Dammit, you beat me to it! I was about to say the same thing. Also, damn, Cass just kind of threatened Kurt. 47. RIS: Attention, people in the main event: THAT is how you convey emotion! Damn, Cass… Excuse me everyone, Auntie Ris is gonna need to be alone with that segment for a little while. RONNIE: That's fine, I’m gonna be 100% focused on this match for a bit because Finn. 48. RIS: So the other four people in the main event are facing each other, and Finn Balor is bunking off with the Club Sandwich. Kay. RONNIE: He's smart! 49. RIS: But WILL the five-way match change the course of the New Era?! RONNIE: I don't know but man, please don't let me down Corey, tell me again how Finn is “John Wayne tough” or whatever it is you always say. Finn messes up and plays it off like he meant to. I love him. 50. RIS: The match will change the course of the New Era so much that it’s “Fital!” RONNIE: OHHHHH IT'S THE PENGUIN! 51. RIS: WARNING: INCOMING HAM! RONNIE: Please just hand Finn back his title thanks. It is within your best interest. Wait, is he praising Bray Wyatt? Well, thank god we're going one-by-one talking about everyone who's gonna be in the fivesome. I almost forgot again. 52. RIS: This is now the most uses of the word “freakin” since Austin Powers was a thing. New Patreon Goal: Paul Heyman as the new Dr. Evil in the reboot! RONNIE: THERE it is. There's the mention of the Reigns-Taker match for tonight. I just snorted at Heyman referring to Reigns as the “favorite.” 53. RIS: Even Paul has drunk the Koolaid of treating Roman Reigns like he’s above everyone else. Though, as much as I don’t care for Lesnar either, seeing Roman get Backlash 2012-style decimated would make for a happy girl. RONNIE: “Nobody's victim” huh? I like this so far. Is Paul trying to be hired by him or something? 54. RIS: Paul’s kissing up to Finn Balor. “I see you coming.” Phrasing, Paul! He even kisses up to the Balor Club. RONNIE: Fans see him coming too, apparently...please don't tell me there's private Paige-esque footage of my boy Finn out there. 55. RIS: Paul Heyman has to hate the bastardization of what “Extreme” has become. RONNIE: Paul is a member of the Balor Club confirmed. It sure would be a shame if something were to happen to the other four during the fiveway... 56. RIS: Wow, Paul put over Balor huge right there. Maybe he’s trying to convince the Demon to not come out. That would be a great tactic. Balor also looks like a badass here too. Fan-fucking-tastic segment. RONNIE: Oh right, there's a match! Hey baldies, I guess we won't acknowledge what just happened any further. Cool. 57. RIS: The way Michael Cole paused before he referred to Karl Anderson could be taken many different ways. They also all are very big fans of black and white only outfits. They match the ref. RONNIE: Edgy boiz. Black, white, and red. At least one of them has to change. 58. RIS: Storylines being enhanced with Tweet reports. It’s just like the real media. RONNIE: Okay, so...the reason they're fighting is because Gallows and Anderson are jealous of Finn? Damn, someone go and injure those poor men’s shoulders! 59. RIS: Booker calling Finn “One of a Kind” makes me expect to hear a pyro and Tito going old school with a “duuuuuuuuude.” RONNIE: Gallows is a really good coach-- wow, and Booker just said that same thing. Except I don't think he was being sarcastic, whereas I was referring to his constant “Get up!”s to Anderson. 60. RIS: I’m pretty sure Karl Anderson’s tights are made out of a tie I used to have pre-transition. RONNIE: “Right into the ribs” says Cole after Finn kicks him near the crotch. Okay, sure. 61. RIS: Finn wins in a fine match with the Ghetto Stomp, and after a fantastic segment beforehand, things look good for him, regardless of the match results at ER. Though, since that’s the most important match to end all things ever, it could also break him, so who knows? RONNIE: What the hell is that photo of Matt Hardy. It looks like someone else's face slapped onto the rest of him. His mouth isn't even open! 62. RIS: If we’re gonna have a Broken Matt photo, we need to have the Broken Matt persona. RONNIE: I think they've slowly been hinting at it coming in. Unsurprisingly, I haven't seen the Broken Hardy videos yet, and am ashamed of myself for that and plenty of other reasons. 63. RIS: I’d say it’s bizarre, but that would be a dramatic understatement. That wasn’t even the HAM, that was all the fucking pig. RONNIE: Speaking of pigs...here’s this anti-smoking PSA with the Big Bad Wolf unable to terrorize them. My brother and I really want a version where he isn't a smoker, because how are we supposed to relate positively to this guy? 64. RIS: Isn’t it weird that they’re trying to convey something like that through the perspective of a nursery rhyme villain? I want to see the Green Jelly version. “Little pig, little pig, ::cough, cough, cough:: Fuck it, I’ll buy bacon.” RONNIE: 65. RIS: No, JBLdammit, NO! We did nothing to deserve to have to sit through an Alicia Fox match! Ronnie, what kind of bad karma did you bring in here? RONNIE: I don't know what I did this time, I always heck things up. Luigi remains grumpy and unimpressed. 66. RIS: Aiden just said that Noam’s hair looks like he’s going for Paul McCartney, circa 1964, but it instead looks like a rabid weasel died on his head. RONNIE: Wait, Noam just tried to double-handed John Cena “u can't see me” thing at Sasha. That's not Nikki you silly boy. 67. RIS: Holy shit, Luigi John Cena, if you hate wrestling this much, why spend the money on floor seats? RONNIE: He won them in a contest he never entered, like Luigi’s Mansion, of course! 68. RIS: “Best Scissor Kick in the history of sports entertainment?” Michael Cole, go to your room and think about what you’ve done. RONNIE: Oh nice, another match I blinked and missed. I'm so shocked Fox lost, really, terribly so. 69: RIS: The best part of every Alicia Fox match: It ends. It’s true though, I didn’t see it coming at all. But it looks like Sasha’s gonna throw down with Dar, like Ellsworth and Naomi earlier. RONNIE: Not Dar! He's dating Fox, isn't that already punishment enough?? 70: RIS: Meanwhile, Kalisto is concerned for the future of Apollo Crews’ well-being. It’s funny now they’re friends, but when Kalisto was getting a ten-minute post-match attack, nowhere to be seen. RONNIE: Booker fell asleep again. Ooh it's Shadow the Lucha and his best friend Smiles Prower! 71. RIS: This Titus schtick is growing on me a little bit. He’s at least having fun with it. RONNIE: Goddammit, that better not be a spinner in Titus’s hand. Kalisto’s pointing at Titus making his point is hilarious to me. “Alexa Gets Extreme” is next, sounds...scandalous. 72. RIS: In the “Vince Russo now applies to women” match of the next Pay-Per-View, we get a sitdown segment, and it’s 9:31, so yep… It’s officially Death Hour on Monday Night RAW. RONNIE: But Alexa! And Bayley! The Alexa parts have been great lately! And...mostly always. I hope her best friend comes along again! 73. RIS: What in the Sloth’s vaginal parasital fuckbeans was that Mike’s Hard Lemonade commercial? RONNIE: I think you answered your own question just by asking it. 74. RIS: I guess Vince has dropped his “only mentioning big cities they’re in” elitist bullshit. If they’re mentioning Grand Rapids, MI, maybe they’ll finally come back to Hershey. RONNIE: I was really confused for a second, hearing the Money in the Bank theme. “That's not Shane's theme! This isn't SmackDown! And where is that large automobile?” 75. RIS: Meanwhile, on Death Hour shenanigans, they’re convinced some of us give a shit about the Golden Truth breakup. But, we are gonna get some old school Goldust HAMmitry, so it’s not a complete loss. RONNIE: That would be me! I care a lot!! And yay, Shattered Dreams! 76. RIS: We’re going back to a time that hasn’t been referenced since 2002, where Goldust had a thing with Hollywood. Fair enough. And then a girl who probably couldn’t say the words “gold dust” interviews Alexa Bliss, who has plenty of gold on her own. RONNIE: Lensflare! Lensflare harder! This is intense. I'm impressed the interviewer got to say “wow” and other things that aren't a stupid question. 77. RIS: We get a dramatic picture with Michael Cole talking about the attack from “Alexa Biss.” RONNIE: They keep saying “extreme” and all I can think of is Alexa and Bayley in extremely 90s clothing trying to out-skateboard each other. 78. RIS: Alexa’s eyeliner… I’m totes jelly right now. Those are wings that even Red Bull couldn’t give. RONNIE: The wings of an angel. Where's Nia though? 79: RIS: Of course, be sure to force Roman Reigns in this too. Death Hour galore, make it all about Roman Reigns too! I was hoping we’d get another recap of this. RONNIE: Seeing Reigns with his arm wrapped up like that again just reminds me of the bullshit match last week between him and Balor, and it just sparks something primal within me. 80. RIS: “Hey, you know that guy who injured another one of our employees to the point that he can’t work for six months? Yeah, here’s him smiling. Support him later tonight in the main event.” Wrestling is weird. RONNIE: Remember, he's the “favorite” of this fiveway! And he beat the Undertaker! And it's his yard! And he's the Man! And the Big Dog! And whatever else you need shouted at you to remember he's supposed to be amazing! 81. RIS: Kalisto is getting jobber-entranced after that entirely wasted segment of television, where the live audience gets to sit in their seats and watch television for twenty minutes. RONNIE: I was just about to say that...I'm worried for the lucha bean. 82. RIS: “The most sought after public speaker nationwide?” There must be a market shortage on speakers. And the public. RONNIE: I miss Kalisto’s last theme. And look. 83. RIS: Titus O’Neill just looked like Luigi John Cena for a second there: completely unimpressed and uninterested in being there. RONNIE: Can you blame him? One of the crowd members literally has a sign that says “I’d rather be on SmackDown.” 84. RIS: Titus is really getting into the match, only for Apollo Crews to have a similar match result as every Titus match since he grabbed Vince’s shoulder that one time. Kalisto won a match, and Aiden is reacting like we just won the Super Bowl. First Zigglesworth lost, and Kalisto won a match without an immediate post-match beatdown… Wait for it. RONNIE: Titus tapped out! He tapped! Is he yelling “sick him” or “suck it” or what? Aiden has the right attitude, I'm happy about this too. 85. RIS: Wait, they changed Matt’s graphic? What? He suddenly looks normal. Did his avatar have a personality change? Did it get Xanax? What the fuck, WWE? RONNIE: Homie I said that the first time they showed that photo! Well...not most of that, but. It's so jarringly normal it frightens me honestly... 86. RIS: Holy shit, the Hardyz bring the extreme… lime green! RONNIE: Jojo! What does that mean, Jojo? “Gets to choose the stipulations”? Their outfits are making me think of Jim Carrey as the Riddler... 87. RIS: Did Matt Hardy just do a Triple H-Evolution turning thing? Double thumbs down, does that mean Evolution is about to go after Sheamus and reject him as the prodigy? RONNIE: Ris, you need to know something and now is the perfect time to tell you: during a cosplay contest yesterday, the contestants had to answer what their favorite ship is. I was a contestant. You can probably guess what I said based on this timing, and it sure wasn't the Hardyz. 88. RIS: Sons of Anarchy Sheamus and Bedazzled Biker Cesaro? RONNIE: It was actually “everyone in the WWE is shipped with each other when I watch wrestling” but as soon as the next person was about to be asked I yelled out “Sheasaro” because...damn they're so gay. Look at Cesaro calming him down right now. Or, trying to. When do they get married? 89. RIS: You’re freaking adorable, Ronnie. I’m so glad I brought you on. RONNIE: Aww, the pleasure’s all mine! Thanks again for having me! Is the crowd chanting “broccoli” now? Oh, “obsolete.” That makes a little more sense. Years are being taken off of Cesaro’s life every time he thinks Shea is gonna lose. 90. RIS: Hardyz get the win again, and they’ve been downright invincible since their return. They get to pick the return… Gee, I wonder what they’ll pick? I wonder? RONNIE: Oh my god Cesaro is lying with him and held his hand for a moment. I can't handle these two. Ohhh, it's happening with Matt I think. He's getting intense. 91. RIS: Wait, what? A cage match? Really? They get to pick the gimmick, and they’re not going to pick the one for which they’re known? And Cesaro and Sheamus are somehow taking exception to getting one that gives them the advantage? What the hell? RONNIE: Maybe they were just gonna make it a “no matter what the Hardyz do, we win” match. That's what I would do. 92: RIS: And here they go making it about fucking Roman Reigns before the JBLdamn music is even over. Hearing Michael Cole say fractions is mildly amusing though. RONNIE: It's not even 10:30 yet, why are we talking about this match? Ohhh yes, UK event-- wait...this is old. What the hell? It started being on the Network Friday. Bate isn't even champion anymore. Why is this an ad right now? 93: RIS: Aiden just asked why Aries’ jacket looks like he stole Fozzy Bear’s fur. That’s more interesting than this angle is at this point. RONNIE: Oh, Neville’s with Nese tonight? Not his new son TJP? Personally I think Aries’s jacket looks like a horrible glittery rug, but Aiden isn't wrong. 94: RIS: Even the wrestlers don’t care about 205Live anymore. RONNIE: I stopped watching it but honestly I kind of want to watch again, I know no one cares about it but that's exactly why Corey and Phillipé are able to talk the way they do on that show and giggle like children. 95: RIS: I want to care. I really do. I like most of the wrestlers involved. But it hasn’t even come close to recapturing the magic of the CWC. RONNIE: Yeah, I would imagine not. I think it could be better if it got more attention, but it needs to be better to get more attention. At least this crowd seems to be partially into the cruiserweights tonight-- oh goddammit. Not the CM Punk chants...serious irony right there. 96. RIS: Such a contrast when seeing Aries’ former tag team partner on Saturday night defeating Eric Young and looking like a true badass in the process. I’d also pay to see an Aries/Strong reunion. RONNIE: Dang, Nese tapped super fast. I never knew Aries teamed with Roddy, I’d like to see that too. 97: RIS: Aiden: “Here we go again, would you two just fuck already?” Ronnie, you and my husband need to hang out more. And Neville is as impressed with Tony Nese as Luigi John Cena is with the entire show. RONNIE: I would gladly, Aiden is awesome. I like that they paused Aries’s music just to play it again after the Nese abuse. Wait, how long is this main event gonna be? Alexa is next... 98. RONNIE: I for one am glad to see anti-smoking PSAs like this one. Not because I think they're effective or anything, but because I love how absolutely nightmare-fueling they are. You remember the one where a drug dealer slowly turns into some kind of horrible snake-man? I love that shit! More of this, less of big bad loser wolf, please! 99: RIS: It’s so shamefully pandering though. It reeks of “is this what the kids are saying these days? Let’s co-opt it!” RONNIE: I know, I know. But he opens a package and his teeth rot and it's...so cool! I shouldn't love it so much but I love the visuals, it's like watching someone’s bad dreams! 100. RIS: There’s something incredibly wrong about giving Alexa Bliss credit for a veteran like Mickie James. I know, it was part of the storyline, but it’s still unfair. RONNIE: It really was strange, but it led to some of my favorite Talking Smack moments, like Daniel Bryan cracking himself up going “Hey Mickie, you're so fine” and Alexa finishing the song lyric for him. That's one thing that Alexa’s moving to Raw makes me miss, the dynamic between her and DB. 101. RIS: You know a match is considered a “piss break” match when even the crowd doesn’t give a shit. Like Harper/Rowan last night, unfortunately. RONNIE: I liked that match, Harper and Rowan couldn't focus on each other at all. Did Mickie just say “heck no”? You watch your language missy. 102. RIS: Oh, the match itself was very enjoyable. Just poorly placed. Then again, it was placed on a show where Jinder fucking Mahal won the WWE fucking Title, so… Yeah... RONNIE: That’s true! Almost fell asleep towards the end of it. Kind of wish I did so I would've slept through the next one. 103. RIS: Wow, Alexa won, who woulda thought? But, what is the question leading into the Extreme Rules match, have they asked it yet? RONNIE: Have you heard a crowd this excited about a stick before? It's weird to me whenever they choose that weapon instead of a chair. Or table. Or gatorade. Why does nobody take the gatorade? 104. RIS: They ask it again, even when she’s threatening to hit her with a stick? For fuck’s sake Vince, you don’t have to have your commentators repeat it 41 JBLdamn times a segment to get the point! “Will Bayley get extreme?” I don’t know, does the answer change depending on whether it’s the 82nd or 83rd time you’ve asked? RONNIE: But how do you beat Braun Strowman, Ris? 105. RIS: And was WrestleMania 33 the Ultimate Thrill Ride? RONNIE: For God's sake, how many people are attending tonight?! Is Erick Rowan looking pretty jacked?!? These are the real questions! 106. RONNIE: How long this time, I wonder? Oh goddammit. Wasn't even finished typing. 107. RIS: 13 seconds, Cole. Somehow, that was even longer. Question for you, as a new-ish fan of wrestling, WWE, and the like… How do you like this idea of having the invisible champion, the guy who only shows up for the match while everyone else fights for the right to face him? Does it give it a special attraction feel, or does it lack the representation of the belt? RONNIE: Oh it definitely feels disrespectful to the belt to me, especially ironic when we have the Miz on the same show pointing out how Dean hasn't defended his title in a while, and the other show had Naomi give up her title immediately after she got injured because of the “30 day clause” that only exists sometimes. 108. RIS: Entrance botch! For a second there, I was like, “Is Samoa Joe coming out after Crossfit Jesus and Roman?” Now, here comes the Angry Potato, as Aiden calls him. RONNIE: Angry potato! I love it. I think Kurt Angle looks particularly potato-ish, personally. Wait, did Booker T just reference a video game or did I mishear him? Probably misheard him. 109. RIS: I remember back in junior high, the coach told us about seeing Kurt Angle win a trophy that was three feet tall and he held it straight out to his side for pictures for 45 minutes. He used to be insanely jacked. RONNIE: Oh no no no, I mean his head makes me think of a potato for some reason. My bad! Clarification is important. Are you surprised Roman Reigns is Cole’s pick for the fiveway? 110. RIS: I’m surprised they’re even having the match at all. Why not just declare Roman the winner and give him the shot? It worked for Triple H in 2002. RONNIE: Please...I’m trying to hold onto the hope that Finn has a chance. Or Bray. I'd be more than okay with Bray too. 111. RIS: Roman and Luigi John Cena need to have a bored-off staring contest. RONNIE: Is Luigi Cena still here? Did he lose a bet or something? 112: RIS: He reminds me of Sarah Silverman in School of Rock… Just like pissed at the world and constantly glaring with a dissatisfied look of disdain and regret. RONNIE: I'd be pissed at the world too if I were Sarah Silverman. 113. RIS: There’s a lot of body oil on this ring apron right now. Roman gets the hot tag to a series of scattered cheers at best. Better make sure he wins, defeats Lesnar cleanly, retires him, and brings back HBK out of retirement just to be the one who retired him too. Maybe then, just then, people will finally love him for the sentient demigod on Earth he truly is! RONNIE: What are you talking about? Fans love Roman Reigns! They only boo because they love him, like John Cena. Don't you ever listen to the PPV pre-shows? 114. RIS: No. Ten hours of wrestling in a week is enough. RONNIE: Not enough to hear how perfect Reigns is, evidently. Look how happy Bray is that Joe’s torturing that fucker. His happiness is my happiness. 115. RIS: There’s something truly beautiful about you being so happy about a sentence that involves the phrase “torturing that fucker.” You and Aiden are twins separated at birth. RONNIE: That must've been one hell of a birthing process considering we're a few years apart... 116. RIS: Those kinds of things can be miscalculated. You never know. You don’t remember it, just saying. RONNIE: That's true! We all exaggerate times, and my parents probably would steal a baby that isn't theirs. The fans near Samoa Joe sound really sweet and encouraging. “Get up Joe! You can do it!” 117. RIS: “You wouldn’t steal a handbag. You wouldn’t steal a car. You wouldn’t steal a baby. You wouldn’t shoot a policeman, and then steal his helmet. You wouldn’t go to the toilet in his helmet and send it to the policeman’s grieving widow… and then steal it again!” Sorry, couldn’t help it there. RONNIE: Why are you apologizing? That was poetry. It's like you're an author or something. 118. RIS: That’s true, but I can’t take credit for that. That’s an IT Crowd reference… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuxO6CZptck … Was that CM Punk in the crowd? I swear I saw him, near the ring bell. RONNIE: Oh, well props to that then. I'm having trouble focusing on the crowd though. Oh my god, spaghetti legs Joe. 119. RIS: Wuh-oh, Reigns accidentally hit Crossfit Jesus that he was totes cool with it until now. That was really shitty ring awareness, CFJ. A terrible time to get in an argument with Roman Reigns is when Samoa Joe is RIGHT BEHIND YOU! RONNIE: “We're on the same team bruh!” Ref is checking Seth’s pulse. Ref legitimately believed Seth could've been dead at that moment. Probably because of Joe but I wouldn't be surprised if they’d say it was because of the might of Reigns. I'm glad Bray is smiley. 120. RIS: Oh wait, Kurt Angle is still watching. Was Joe legit trying to hug Bray there for a second? And there’s Finn, who was apparently unaware that he couldn’t join in the fun. Everyone else ran down too. RONNIE: Just one guy, Finn? Oh good, Kurt thinking the same thing. But calling him “bailer.” 121. RIS: So next week, all five will be facing each other, and they’re giving away CFJ/Reigns too. Oh well, what can you do? Tonight’s RAW was significantly better than most as of late, but still feels… flat. I don’t know, but it’s definitely risen in overall quality since Mania while Smackdown has jumped the Thunder Bus to Crazy Town. So Ronnie, overall, how was tonight’s Monday Night RAW. I mean, besides getting to hang out with me and share your thoughts with these fine people? RONNIE: I enjoyed most of it! It's better than a lot of the RAWs I saw before Mania, I think...though some of it was still, y'know. Raw. 122. RIS: And, as my guest, I’m going to let you pick the winner. Who gets your HAM of the Night? RONNIE: Oh gosh, what an honor! Hm...even though Heyman was there, I think I’d give it to Bray, with Cass in a close second. He was having the time of his life at the start, laughing overtop of Reigns and shouting at everyone to stand up and be protected by him. 123. RIS: Bray it will be for tonight’s HAM, and if you disagree, blame the kid! I mean, what’s done is done, or something. Ronnie, thank you so much for hanging out with me and suffering through my incessant thoughts process. Now just remember that I do this two-to-three times a week, and take pity upon my wretched soul as it walks through hellfire and brimstone (God I miss JR… And Kane… and caring as much as I did as a kid.) RONNIE: Excuse you, I'm a big boy! I'm a whole 21 years of age...no, you're right. Blame the kid is right. Thanks for inviting me to do this, I had a lot of fun and I always enjoy your works buddy! HAM OF THE NIGHT Change their name to the Fashion Police, please. 2012 - Daniel Bryan 2013 - Paul Heyman 2016 - Chris Jericho 1-2-17 - Kevin Owens 1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher 1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels 1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose 1-16-17 - Sami Zayn 1-17-17 - John Cena 1-23-17 - Xavier Woods 1-24-17 - James Ellsworth 1-30-17 - Mick Foley 1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan 2-6-17 - Goldberg 2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan 2-13-17 - Chris Jericho 2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss 2-20-17 - Lana 2-21-17 - Maryse 2-27-17 - Mick Foley 2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt 3-13-17 - Paul Heyman 3-14-17 - AJ Styles 3-20-17 - Austin Aries 3-21-17 - Mizcena 3-27-17 - Big Cass 3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena 4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists 4-2-17 - The Undertaker 4-3-17 - Chris Jericho 4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura 4-10-17 - Braun Strowman 4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura 4-17-17 - Samoa Joe 4-18-17 - Nobody 4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss 4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler 5-8-17 - The Miz 5-9-17 - The Usos 5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill 5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze 5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact [email protected].
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