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LAIMAN'S LINKS Marissa's Blog Support In Laiman's Terms on Patreon Marissa’s podcast Inciting Incident Facebook Page DaWrestlingGuy.com Twitter - @RisMcCool Email - [email protected] Check out The PC Lie, Marissa’s newest book with the foreword by Chris Kluwe, and contributing essays from Andrew Torrez, Eli Bosnick, and many others! Available on Amazon, CreateSpace, or a personally-signed copy by emailing [email protected] . Support her writing and get early access to her next book False Start: A Novel, not to mention the second edition of Taking Bumps, at Support Marissa’s writing on Patreon GUEST APPEARANCES I won’t inundate you with more links, but here’s a list of shows on which I’ve made guest appearances in the last few months. Feel free to search them out. Gaytheist Manifesto, Waiting For Next Year, In the Cut, Podunk Polymath, Brainstorm Podcast, SJW Circle-Jerk, God Awful Movies, ORLY Radio, Bi Any Means, Secular Stories IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #264 - Thoughts on RAW - 1-30-17 I could type what I thought of the Royal Rumble, but I think I’ll express it in three tweets I posted instead.
That’s Mr. Laiman, BTW.
Tito’s gonna have #OVWClassof2002 trending, and who can blame him after two main events in 2017 having Randy Orton and John Cena winning. Thankfully we’ve never seen that match before, so I’m eagerly looking forward to this WrestleMania. Seriously, the biggest surprise entry was Tye at 10? You wasted spots on Ellsworth and Enzo, no offense to the latter, but really? 1. Come on RAW, I enjoyed you way more than the PPV last night, and it’s usually backwards. Bring me back from the Twilight Zone… Or don’t, actually, but just for a few days. And in 2017, we have to still have pictures of the show from last night because we might still want to watch it or something. Also, how is it that Roman Reigns looks bored even while taking a chokeslam? And can we tell I’m still worked up and annoyed from last night’s dumpster fire? 2. We start off with Kevin Owens winning, which would’ve been a bright spot from last night if we hadn’t already seen that match slightly fewer times than we’ve seen Cena/Orton. Can they break the October 3rd streak tonight? Let’s find out! Kevin apparently gets the idea of going with the “Enzo Amore School of Opening Promos.” Which, why not at this point? So when does Roman Reigns come out to give us more of what they must still think we want? Truly Roman Reigns getting booed out of the Alamdome could only be improved by… Putting him in at number 30 too, right? Better turn off the mics to hide the crowd reaction rather than changing… anything. The only possible good I saw out of it was that maybe it can allow Reigns to work as a heel against the Undertaker. 3. Kevin Owens is now Neo Anderson, according to his HAMmy outburst. He got so worked up that he left a few letters out of “opportunity,” but English isn’t his first language, so it’s understandable. Kevin’s yelling everything he’s saying like he’s Braun Strowman, only intelligible. 4. Jericho’s in a celebratory mood, and we would be too, if he wasn’t the last strand of hope before we had a fuck-all ending after a fuck-all match. 5. Oh, there he is. I thought it had been too long since Giant Beardy Roary Man yelled at me. Braun is getting a “thank you” chant, so clearly him proclaiming to not be able to stand Roman Reigns makes him the heel, right? Strowman wants the prince who was promised, or to be the prince who was promised… He’s Robert Strong, okay? He’s Robert fucking Strong. Or the Mountain That Wrestles. Strowman wants a title match tonight, and it’s getting something of a pop. I like it. 6. OhmyJBL, Mick Foley… What the fuck are you wearing? HAM over, no contest. Mick’s suit wins. I didn’t realize you could make an entire suit out of a sofa designed in the style of 1990s golf pants, but as they say… Anything can happen in the WWE! Let’s see how this heel vs. heel match ends up. 7. We come back with Jericho still in the ring after his 61-minuteman performance, and he’s facing Zayn… Who cares, holy shit, it’s not Rollins or Reigns. Thank merciful fuckdoggies! I didn’t realize Zayn lasted that long, good on him! Can he stop being happyfuntime loser of matches, please? And someone contact the Bouncing Souls and get the rights to “Ole!” already. I’ll send in a donation for the jaunty tune that people already don’t know why they’re singing it for him! If they can get Living Colour, I’m sure Bouncing Souls wouldn’t mind an iTunes chart bump. 8. FYi, Zayn’s match with Rollins in person was awesome last week. Best part? No fucking commercials! I heard Michael Cole’s commentary was on point though, so clearly I need to sit in club seats at every show. Hey Vince, if that’s what it takes, put me on the bus and let’s make it a Rissy Tour! 9. A spot sending Zayn to the outside somehow doesn’t lead to a commercial break. I’m confused. Impressed, but confused all the same. Oh no wait, Zayn gets the edge, then we go into it. Fair enough. At least it wasn’t the 30 second time we’ve been getting lately. 10. Having the ticker isn’t enough, Michael Cole has to point it out to proclaim their social media relevance! They’ll encourage discussion, but clearly don’t actually give a damn about anything anyone has to say. Three years of nationwide boos, stay the fucking course. 11. Did they just call it a “Haloova Kick?” Are they that terrified of saying the naughty words? Jericho’s only now incensed that someone was able to break the walls down? Zayn gets a clean win over Jericho. Fun little match and a good win for Zayn. How does Stephanie dick him over this week? 12. Braun has a new nickname, “The Monster Among Men.” I dig it. 13. Crossfit Jesus comes out to “Takeover RAW,” which again hopefully breaks our October 3rd streak. It was one of the few moments I genuinely enjoyed this weekend, even if it was only a tease. 14. We come back with Cesaro and Lobsterhead arguing, and Sheamus yelling about Cesaro trying to swing him makes me think of alternate situations. Don’t judge me for my slashfic, I mean theories! And they’re interrupted by… Bayley? She’s strong enough to force a group hug with Sheamus looking like I did when a few fans at RAW were talking to me about very uncomfortable things, and I don’t even mean the back of a Volkswagen. They’re confronted by the Club doing their best Revenge of the Nerds references. Wow, look at the clock, 1984 already. 15. Must be a Cruiserweight match coming up with this long of a delay. And holy fuck are those long breaks even more boring in person, especially when they led to pre-taped interviews twice. The way they’re talking, it’s leading to a recap, isn’t it? Yep. Recap. And I can’t even skip. The things I do for live entertainment! 16. Why doesn’t anyone ever confront somebody on the side of the ring? Or the apron. That’s the hardest part of the ring, you know. 17. More filler, yay! Stephanie brought her phone back just to be interrupted by KO, who after several months is now somehow still paranoid of what’s going on. You’d think he’d have adjusted by now. 18. After WWE sucks their own theoretical phallus for all the people they pissed off in the Alamodome last night, yep… Cruiserweight match. Look, I support the Cruiserweight division, but can we lose the set change like it’s a different show? This show has enough bullshit filler as it is without changing the ring several times mid-show. 19. I saw where I was sitting thanks to the camera angle of the Mustafa move. Crowd was absolutely dead for it though. With how long those breaks were, and how everyone was basically waiting for Goldberg, I wasn’t surprised. Ali’s getting the next push though, so we can assume he’ll take the belt from Neville, thus leading to another title change. Why not make it 24/7 and have Daivari defend it in a ballpit? He could lose it to one of Bobby Roode’s escorts from Saturday night’s Takeover. At least it’d be fun. I like fun. I don’t like being this negative about wrestling, but after such an amazing Monday night, I experienced the exact opposite last night and I’m still sore about it. I haven’t given a shit about a Rumble winner since 2012, and I miss the event I used to love. 20. This crowd wants to give a shit so badly. Hell, I want to give a shit so badly. But again, for how interactive they brag about being, they don’t seem to have their ears open. Nese wins? Wow, that was a surprise. The match was fine enough, but dead crowds are killing these matches. Then again, crowd reaction is apparently irrelevant anymore, so it’ll probably end up headlining WrestleMania 34. 21. Austin Aries does interviews now? I’m good with this. Aries talks some shit gloriously, which is what he does best, and Nese claims to give no fucks about it. Discount Damien Sandow walks away while Austin Aries shows us what charisma was once considered, and now we’ll probably have more filler to change the ring again. CFJ talky-talk is up next, I think, so hopefully Steph can put down her phone long enough to go emasculate someone else. 22. Philadelphia’s crowd is already eagerly anticipating the fifth straight Royal Rumble where Reigns either wins or almost wins, and where I once wanted to go, I’m not so sure I want to anymore, and that’s sad. 23. Graves talks about never seeing this obsessive side of CFJ before, which confuses me because that’s the only side I’ve seen of him, but what the hell… He reminds us also that we’re watching a live show, well I’ll be! 24. Quick poll, Steph’s entrance theme vs. Brie Mode, which is the least inspiring entrance theme? 25. CFJ wastes no time with the Triple H insults, and of course he’s not here. At least they’re finally addressing this damn storyline. Let’s see how Steph deflects every single thing he says. Characters who can never be affected by anything are so interesting. Vile characters who never get retribution are so interesting. 26. Steph sells every serious insult like Roman Reigns taking a Superman Punch with brass knucks. I’ll give her credit though, there’s at least some good wordplay in it. CFJ ups the ante again, though he’s getting a little Brian Pillman in darkness here. Will it finally push her over the edge? 27. Steph saying “Triple H is coming” twice… But it did get a good reaction. I’ll admit, even I marked out when the theme hit in Cleveland. I’m willing to see where this goes, but I’m fighting through some serious lethargy here. And getting some replays from earlier probably won’t help. Strange, this is early for the Hour of Death to begin, but what the hell... 28. Cesaro has Bayley streamers! Yay! I love seeing the little girls in the audience who absolutely adore Bayley. Corey Graves remarking about how he’s never related more to Sheamus in his life might be a bonus HAM. 29. Damn, is this just a small arena, or is the attendance really that bad? 30. Karl sees Roman’s notgiveafuck shoulder hold and raises him a backwards hold. And Michael Cole just used the word “shenanigans.” Hmmm… Hey Cole, what’s that place you like to eat? You know, the one with all the shit all over the wall? 31. There aren’t many mixed tag matches anymore, but Bayley presents plenty of opportunities for suplexes. Holy shitstick, it’s only 9:20 and we’re in another commercial break. 32. We come back, and I can’t help but remark about how well executed this feud has been. Then, right as I’m getting optimistic again, we have to bring back the Blair Witch forearm chops for all ten. You’re just fucking with me now, aren’t you Vince? 33. Cesaro botches his rope bouncy spot, which is unusual for him, and then they don’t catch him. It’s a two-fer! Bayley gets another pinfall win over Charlotte, so this feud is long from over. 34. Meanwhile, backstage, Steph berates and emasculates Mick Foley. Foley stands up for himself, so let’s see how this will be ignored. It’s a passive-aggressive showdown with Steph staring at the bright lights and pretty colors. Seriously, what the fuck was she looking at? 35. Up next, we have the coronation of (First name redacted) Neville, and it could only be made better if he faked an Idi Amin accent and had Regal announce his way to the ring. Is he quoting Riff Raff? I think he’s quoting Riff Raff. “They didn’t like ME! THEY NEVER LIKED ME!” 36. Rich Swann isn’t dancing, so you know it’s serious. What can be done to fix this division? When the face announces his rematch clause, it shouldn’t have a reaction of mild indifference. Swann’s a pretty good promo, he should get more of this. He manages to criticize and put over his opponent at the same time. Future wrestlers, take note. 37. Wait, now I know! Neville’s summoning his inner Mark Addy with some Robert Baratheon gruff! There’s unfortunate subtext to Neville’s response, but all the same, the feud continues to the amusement of the eight people in the crowd who care about who these guys are. We get another Botchamania entry as Swann’s leg catches the ropes. No one try a suicide dive tonight, please. 38. Enzo and Cass against Rusev and Mahal… Again. The more things stay the same, the more they stay the same, or something. 39. More filler. Holy JBL, it was a RAW-heavy PPV. 40. Nice hair, Sasha. Reminds me of someone else I know. More filler. Pictures. Recaps. And now another KO segment. There’s a song on the Green Day “Dookie” album that repeats the line “wasting your time” over and over again. 41. Coming upon the second hour, something’s finally happening. I almost forgot what I was watching. Oh damn, Braun comes over and kicks Jericho right in the fuck! What a meanyhead! Smart move on Strowman’s part, apparently enough that someone said a really bad word. Strowman is developing into a new-gen Samoa Joe with those chants. It’s amazing how it’s much more effective when he’s not facing jobbers every week, isn’t it? 42. A world title match happening in the Hour of Death? The top of the ten o’clock hour? This is rare, but questionable. What’s the main event, if not the Universal title? 43. I like the continuity being established with the goings on of tonight’s show at least. Following up on things said a month ago, continuing storylines instead of having the same match over and over and over and over and over and over… Strowman has improved so much in the last few months. I’m really impressed. It wasn’t him that bored me, it was the endless squash matches and yelly things. It’s nice to have a hoss who isn’t a vapid black hole of personality. 44. Owens needs more matches like this. Fight, Owens, Fight! Was a good thing for him, and while KO and Y2J have been immensely entertaining, he doesn’t have to be a pathetic larky all the time. 45. I just heard three “God-dammits!” Roman Reigns must be coming out. At least if this feud starts up, it won’t be with the Undertaker? Or will Roman solidify a heel turn? Nope. We’re still supposed to care about him. It’s only been three years, just give it a chance. Then they botch a top-rope clothesline, and the invincible Roman overcomes and conquers yet again. The crowd is behind Braun here, so better intensify the face push. The crowd was enjoying this, and then he came out and the air was sucked out of the building. Then he spears KO too because fuck you, that’s why. 46. Cole says that Roman Reigns is making a statement. At least one through Vince, which is “I do what I want, who cares who you like?” I mean, I know Cena got booed in major cities, but when you have to turn off crowd mics to protect a wrestler who has been consistently getting booed for three years, how is it still “stay the course?” Sorry, I know I’ve been ranting a lot about this, but how much more does this shit need to go on? 47. More recaps! Yay! Then not-Triple H shows up after getting owned by Goldberg again. It’s gonna be a “colloshal collishion.” Is that Cole trying to reference “cash me outside?” 48. Looks like there’s a new That Thing. Now Bork Laser comes out, which apparently was unexpected, and at least it’ll get us some Heyman HAM. Thank JBL we got the highly-anticipated confrontation of Brock vs… Enzo. So glad they used those surprise entrances well. Heyman is addressing a vague concept of having a legend’s number. Where’s the swerve? 49. Hulk Hogan’s being mentioned by name on television again. Has enough time passed for them to jingle keys and bring him back to memorize scripts about the WWE Network? How many times is Heyman gonna mention this “yeah, but” stuff? Pause… 50. Brock Lobster, via Heyman, challenges Goldberg, better point at the sign so we all know what that is. Can’t be worse than WrestleMania XX, right? At least Heyman’s promo makes it somewhat interesting. Wait, is Heyman challenging for Lesnar to fight Goldberg at WrestleMania or the Hunger Games? 51. Is it not weird to have a company letting an “injured” performer compete in regular matches against someone deliberately targeting them? I know, it’s kayfabe, but it’s really hard to justify in my own mind. Wait, did they just Montreal her? Botched finish? What in the Flying Vagina Squirrel just happened? Everyone stands around awkwardly, then Nia puts it back in. What’s going on? 52. Bayley makes the save to… Come plead for rationality? How.... exciting. Hello? Are we going to get an answer on what happened here? Anyone? Explanation?! 53. Nope, better recap the Seminar of Fail and then go back to more picture recaps. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. 54. Sasha gets taken to the trainer’s room, where I assume she’ll end up competing again next week with two injured legs. But now Lana is out… and I forgot what I was talking about. So did she for a few seconds, or at least what her accent was. She’s as bad as Michel in season 6 of Gilmore Girls. Yep, you have a chick wrestling writer, you get the girl references, dammit! :) 55. Do you think Rusev internally sings along with the Enzo schtick by now? Even he has to know how to misspell “soft” by now, right? Hey, it’s over as shit, so might as well go with it. At least they’re getting back to their shit-talking routine instead of implying sex with chickens. Should’ve gotten a live chicken. 56. Now we got ourselves a Texas Tornader, and things go right to commercial before things have the chance to get fun. I’m either tired or bored, and I can’t distinguish which. 57. Hustle, you’re missed. Every time I see your favorite wrestler, Jinder Mahal, I think of you. 58. Cass didn’t have quite the showing I thought he would in the Rumble. His reminded me more of Matt Morgan’s 2004 appearance. One face-off, but relatively uneventful. Kinda like this match, somehow. It’s almost like we’ve watched this combination wrestle near-endlessly as of late. I don’t think making sure they were all in the ring at the same time would help very much, unless they step it up and make it more fun. Silly idea. Rusev then does what I can only assume is the worst invisible Wonder Woman lasso toss of all time, and that gives Edge-on-Stilts a chance to come in and clean house. 59. Enzo finally pins Rusev, so is this feud over yet? 60. A limo, oh boy! If it doesn’t end with being filled with cement, it’s a wasted opportunity. 61. Another sneak peek. Filler, filler, Fill-er! 62. More pictures! Hey now, Cole… Don’t talk shit about Bork Laser only lasting 20 seconds. That’s 20 Santino Marellas, I’ll have you know! Followed by MORE recaps! 63. Ooh, alternate entrance theme Triple H! He must be a mad, mad Game. Cole says it’s been building and building, but truthfully, it had its inciting incident (lol), then was barely referred to for like three months, then eventually a theme tease, and now we’re finally acting like this has had buildup. 64. Triple H is going with the “I made you, I can break you” philosophy toward this match. Triple H’s promos are a lot more tolerable when he’s not around very often, and this is good. Though Triple H talking shit about someone’s leg collapsing makes one wonder if he has 2001 memory loss. 65. “I don’t come out here, because my wife asks me not to. Because it’s what’s best for business.” Wow, subtext much? I’m having flashbacks to Tito columns in 2003. I wonder if Triple H and Heyman teamed up and threw “Seth Freaking Rollins” and “Yeah But” back and forth for a half hour, and someone just wrote it down for the show. 66. Just a reminder, the guy who said “I’m gonna show up at your house and talk to your children” is the good guy right now. 67. Crossfit Jesus comes out. Who attacks him from behind? This is some intensity. Will they blow it already? Holy shit, it’s JOE! The NXT creation, defending the creator. I dig it. Still would’ve been a better debut last night, but I’ll take it. Anyone who can get that height on a kick in jeans has my respect. Still, allow me to soak in this moment… Samoa Joe is on JBLdamn Monday Night RAW. 68. I guess CFJ and Roman Reigns aren’t besties anymore. Then again, I wouldn’t want to face Joe’s angry glare either. 69. Overall, holy fuck what a boring RAW until the last few minutes. Zayn/Jericho was decent at least. Huge surprise debut for Samoa Joe, that was awesome. I may be wrestling fatigued after three straight nights of wrestling, but I still feel like these last three days have left a lot to be desired. And the filler counter must’ve been ridiculous tonight. I had time to tell a transphobe to go fuck themselves several times. It’s a life, what can I say? HAM OF THE NIGHT I told you who was winning this one much earlier in the night. 2012 - Daniel Bryan 2013 - Paul Heyman 2016 - Chris Jericho 1-2-17 - Kevin Owens 1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher 1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels 1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose 1-16-17 - Sami Zayn 1-17-17 - John Cena 1-23-17 - Xavier Woods 1-24-17 - James Ellsworth 1-30-17 - Mick Foley Al Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact [email protected].
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