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LAIMAN'S LINKS Marissa's Blog Support In Laiman's Terms on Patreon Marissa’s podcast Inciting Incident Facebook Page DaWrestlingGuy.com Twitter - @RisMcCool Email - [email protected] Check out The PC Lie, Marissa’s newest book with the foreword by Chris Kluwe, and contributing essays from Andrew Torrez, Eli Bosnick, and many others! Available on Amazon, CreateSpace, or a personally-signed copy by emailing [email protected] . Support her writing and get early access to her next book False Start: A Novel, not to mention the second edition of Taking Bumps, at Support Marissa’s writing on Patreon Wrestling fans, I owe you an apology. I did the thing for which I’m often hard on the people in the media for doing to our subculture: underestimating you. I did not expect the overwhelming amount of positive response, but then again, I’m surprised when I have any in the first place. But so many of you reached out that I’m beyond words. Therefore, I feel like I owe this to you… And if you want to just skip to the column and avoid the personal note, I’ve put it all in Italics. CN In the summer of 2014, when I retreated from any form of public view into hiding, including from this column, it wasn’t because of my apathy toward wrestling. Okay, it wasn’t JUST because of my apathy toward wrestling. You see, I was finally starting to come out in 2014. There were only a few people who knew about it, but I was becoming more open than I’d ever been, expressing myself, and being happy. I imagine I would’ve been out by the end of 2014, but then… I was sexually assaulted. Twice. Within a week. That sent me into a year of terrible depression, hiding, and general numbness. I was unhappy, trying to convince myself that I’d never be safe in this world, and therefore never able to be myself. Then I met Aiden, came back to LOP, started a podcast, came out at school, and in the last few months, I’m easily the happiest I’ve ever been. But I resisted coming out on this page because… We’re all human and make mistakes… I let the reputation of (some) wrestling fans make me afraid. The worst thing that’s happened in the last 24 hours is people downvoting my comments. I can live with that. Thank you, wrestling fans, for surprising me, humbling me, and proving me wrong. I’ve never been so happy to be wrong in my life. The world is so much different than when I first started coming out in 2014, and while I wish I hadn’t had to find that out, I cannot be but eternally grateful that I’ve been so openly and warmly embraced by all my communities, including this one. Last bit of bonus: This is the argument with the hate pastor I was talking about last night. I’ll never stop sharing it, but I thought you guys might like to see it, since thousands of people in my other endeavors have. I’ll shut up and get to the wrestling now, but once more… Thank you. -Ris IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #263 - Thoughts on Smackdown Live - 1-24-17 1. I just found out that a fellow wrestling fan, former KAFer, and longtime friend of mine, Melissa, was in a serious car accident and is currently in emergency surgery. Do me a favor and keep her and her family in your thoughts tonight. She’s a peach. I’ll try to have fun despite this. Corinth, NY 2. We start off with Daniel Bryan, who got an apple from his favorite third grader, and the Miz confronts him while wearing a three-button suit with the bottom button buttoned. Miz, for someone who dresses that nice, you should know better! I love Miz’s fake laughing, and I’m not sorry about it. We end up with a Lumberjack match, also known as the pre-Rumble “Everyone who wasn’t in the ring at the end of RAW but is in the Rumble” clusterfuck ending. 3. This leads ups to another recap of Randy Orton staring into the camera and joining the Wyatt Family. Which leads us to a recap of Randy confronting Luke Harper for making fun of his mutton chops. Finally, we get the Wyatt entrance, which I’ve only seen once in person but wasn’t really paying attention at that point. They don’t even bother shutting up for a few seconds this time, and also… I’ve never seen people who are going to be in a match against each other coming out at the same time, together like this. 4. Bray sits in his rocking chair, as if to be the non-commentary JR in all of us saying “I’m going to enjoy this.” I absolutely love the storytelling the commentators are doing, and I heard I missed some stellar commentary from Cole on the Crossfit Jesus/Sami Zayn match last night. Possible quality upturn? 5. This is what I’d expect out of these two from a wrestling standpoint, and then on top of it, we get tremendous psychology from both Orton and Harper. Orton’s playing to the crowd, presumably for the first time since he did his HAM Sandwich Sami Zayn doing an RKO Impression that I’ve seen GIFfed a bunch of times. It spills to the commentary table, and Harper manages to sell the table as hard as it sold him back and forth again. He comes back and kicks Orton right in the fuck, then falls down so Wyatt can come over and throw Randy back in the ring. Turn on Harper and have him form a team with MIA Erick Rowan? Nope, commercial break after throwing him back in without incident. 6. A superplex is a tribute to “Cowboy” Bob Orton? Huh, the more you know. 7. Luke Harper doing a Michinoku Driver is still a sentence I never thought I’d write in my life. He then does the pelvic thrust, which really drives him insayayayayayne, Orton goes for the RKO, and Harper goes for a schoolboy. Harper then sits up after the two-count and stares at the bright lights and pretty colors while wondering why they finally made him wear a new a-shirt. He tries to do his spinny punchy thing but gets RKO’d proper this time, and Randy wins. Solid match between these two, but what happens now? Besides a slo-mo fan reaction replay? 8. Wyatt offers him a hand, and totally doesn’t set him up for the Sister Abig… Yep, there it is. They leave the storyline conclusion open. Stories moving forward but with the conclusion still unknown? What is this sorcery? 9. Steel cage recap, skip. Rumble promo, skip. Then we get MIckie James and that entrance music that I can’t explain what it sounds like… The Headbangers remixed with a Katy Perry bacon, ham, and cheese sandwich? There you go, HamMan! Request fulfilled. 10. Mickie James immediately calls back to what her previous career held, which is nice for Mr. Laiman who wasn’t aware of her beyond me saying “oh, it’s Mickie James.” Renee Young is also wearing what I can only assume is a smoking jacket from one of my professors retreating to the faculty lounge at Fisher-Bennett. Over a t-shirt too. Why, Renee? Why? 11. Mickie’s point is that the women’s revolution means that the athletes before 2014 didn’t matter, and they would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling Divas. If it weren’t for Alexa, she wouldn’t be back? Okay… Forget about the revolution, this is reinvention, except it doesn’t seem to be reinventing anything. 12. Steampunk Clementine comes out for a brawl. Mickie bails over the security guard, but then Alexa punches Becky right in the fuck back in. Nice bait and switch that JBL compares it to “watching” Mozart. Right. After this I’m going to go listen to stargazers. 13. After a Network shill, we cut to a pre-taped segment with Ellsworth and Carmella in… Nordstrom Rack? She snaps for customer service, summoning a Chris Jericho impersonator played by the effeminate hairdresser from The Rock.. This has apparently turned into a 90s girl comedy where we have a dressing-up montage. Next they’ll be auditioning singers for their new band. Also, sitting through two of those pre-taped segments after ten minutes of their commercials in person, I feel bad for anyone who has to pay to see this. Wait, Godfather reference, sort of saved. Nope, she’s the kind of person who snaps for customer service. Well excuuuuuuuse me, Princess. They end up dressing him up like… Da Ali Amore? What the fuck am I watching? 14. Next, we get giant Colin Farrell impersonating a brick wall in a game of tennis named Baron Corbin for the battle royal. I’m guessing the Vaudevillains are involved. 15. Hey, the two not-Jack Gallaghers are there, and we’re going to listen to Baron Corbin not care on commentary. I’m sure it’ll be delightful. We’ve got the lower parts of the tag team division, and the Vaudevillains get eliminated right away after Heath and Rhyno challenge each other to fisticuffs. Also Curt Hawkins is there, wondering how long his delayed return took in comparison to Emma’s, and if just as many people gave a shit. 16. Mojo Rawley eliminates Curt Hawkins and then does the Ultimate Warrior rope taunt using the tassels that exist inside his own head. Tyler Breeze wishes that those Huss boots meant that Jimmy Jacobs would become his new tag team partner, and the man with kids gets a sad reaction for being thrown out. 17. Mojo does a Rumble version of the indy spot suplex to eliminate a tag team by himself, and I don’t think Breezango will waste a spot in the Rumble, so at least some of the lower card will show up. The match itself is freaking stacked, and I legit don’t know who’s going to win. I only hope we don’t end up with older veterans facing each other for title matches. Mojo was pretty much the only one who had a shot at winning this, and he re-enacts the HBK world title post-match celebration before the ropes use the voices in Randy Orton’s head to make him stand back up. Riveting stuff. 18. Pre-taped Nikki Bella interview... Skip. Cena tweets... Dammit, I'm caught up. 19. Wow, one year after the first show I’d watched in months where AJ Styles came back and made me a wrestling fan again, here he is, about to face John Cena to defend the WWE championship. Surreal. Though it was cool to show some of the kids sitting near me pictures of me with him ten years ago. Then again, we both looked drastically different than we do now. Hell, I have boobs now, go figure. 20. AJ is not thrilled with the Rumble poster being sponsored by AARP. After that “getting off his chest,” Cena’s entrance, with more enhanced stage colors to make his merchandise stand out, hits the ring with his 89th t-shirt this year. 21. Someone has a sign that says “AJ Styles is a good wrestler.” Thank you for that informative statement, young sir. AJ participates in WWE’s desperation to be mainstream relevant with daytime television appearances. I’d rather watch the Best of The Goon, Volume 2. AJ rants, quotes Kelly Clarkson, and all around continues to voice his grievances while John Cena makes facial expressions. After seeing Roman in person last night, it’s a refreshing change. 22. Well, I guess this is taking the place of the mid-show feature match. Go-home show though, what can you expect? 23. They said the “Wrestler!” word! Cut to commercial, cut to commercial! The kids will realize what they’re watching! AJ uses the word “respect” more than Rodney Dangerfield’s greatest hits, but it works. Cena manages to tell a complete story non-verbally, and that takes a great deal of awareness and presence to do. 24. Cena’s fake Southern accent is back. He must think Toledo is in the south, or his chameleon dialect got messed up because of AJ’s drawl. Cena talks shit on the indy scene, because we can’t go a week without Vince making sure someone does that, but it’s still a good back-and-forth to watch. Until he says AJ isn’t even below him, let alone on the same level. That doesn’t say much for you John, considering how many times you’ve lost a title match. Then he says “he’s not a guy from Atlanta, he’s just a guy.” So he’s a phrase without a location, but without the Roman Reigns’ modifier? 25. Okay, I legitimately thought when John Cena said “there’s only one…” he was going to continue with “word to describe you, and I’m going to spell it out for ya!” He mic-drops with a D’Lo reference, going a bit street after drifting back into his fake drawl for half the promo, but I love how good Cena is on the mic when he has an equal. Not a fan of the minimizing of AJ because that doesn’t sell the match in my mind, it only lessens it, but overall, great segment. 26. Oh yes, let’s please replay the heart attack blame game from last week, and he’s facing Kalisto, so Mr. Laiman is already not thrilled with the likely inevitable result. There’s two birds going up at the TV by the time I’ve typed that sentence, and a lot of f-words to follow. The Cena/AJ segment must’ve gone long or something. 27. Now Zigglesworth goes to ringside to grab a chair again, so JBL stands up to call Ziggler out again. This allows Apollo Crews to attack him from behind like a face does. Swing and a miss on Crews’ chair shot attempt, and Mr. Laiman is still swearing his ass off. That admittedly is more amusing than this entire storyline. At least Crews is finally getting a feud that’s relevant. Excuse me, at least Apollo Crews is finally getting a feud. He then does the HBK leg dip to check on Kalisto before it cuts away. 28. There’s a bald guy in the background who is either trying to make a silly face and the arm-eating thing, or he’s legitimately being sucked into the past from the Quickening going on in the parking lot. Though why the Highlander came to Toledo with all the UM fans there is beyond me. Nobody deserves that kind of eternal punishment. 29. Naomi comes back for her ravin’ entrance, but Natalya doesn’t come out, because Nikki Bella is involved in a backstage brawl because… it’s a week. Is this the only way for a Nikki Bella feud to continue? Naomi looks pissed. She had to put that glow in her hair for nothing. 30. Naomi grabs a mic and asks for the Land of Opportunity to take back their plotline of killing Little Foot’s mother. Come on, Childhood Nostalgia, still right in the feels. Where’s Nia Jax when you need her? And who answers the challenge but Alexa? All right then! Turn into a tag team match with Becky and Mickie too? Naomi is NOT impressed with Alexa’s… Mr. Clean impression? I don’t know, it didn’t make sense to me either. Nevermind, she’s backing out of the ring, because that didn’t happen enough last night. Alexa tells her to “say hi to Obscurity for me.” Goodbye, All of This! Hi Obscurity, how’s the wife and kids? First one to scream gets it between the tits! 31. Interviewer not named Renee approaches someone backstage, and his name is Dean. We like Dean. What kind of strategy does he have going into a Lumberjack match? How about “don’t get thrown to the outside?” It’s like when they ask a coach at halftime what they need to do in the second half when they’re losing. How about “score more points than the other team?” 32. Mauro drops an alternative fact in reference to The Miz. I knew they’d get one of those in there tonight. The lumberjacks come out before we go to commercial, and Dean waits until afterward to come out himself. That was nice of him. 33. Within a few minutes, everyone begins attacking the Miz, and Mauro starts to ask a question, so they’re going to commercial. But wait, there’s a pinfall, go to Commercial Commentary Cliche No. 2, Mauro! Quick! 34. We come back to Team Heel attacking Dean this time before the faces come over and do not approve. When’s the brawl break out? When did Miz make his newest trunk and boots out of Jericho’s new List t-shirt? Dean gets tossed out again while Alpha and Kalisto… stand guard? I guess? 35. Miz’s facial hair looks like he’s really excited about how he’s going to look for the Freshman Mixer. Now he’s doing the Daniel Bryan kicks again, so again if this isn’t leading somewhere, it’s absolutely pointless. Dean gets out of the ring again, but this time throws Corbin into the ring post before nearly getting a fall with the Lunatic Fringe Elbow, which I didn’t even know was a thing. Neat! 36. This time, Miz goes outside, and Dean uses it for a suicide dive. Spilling onto the commentator’s table, here comes the brawl… Nope, not yet. Maryse gets herself involved and Miz now uses the Daniel Bryan running knee, but not well enough because it only gets a two-count. How does that work? If you steal someone else’s finisher at an event that isn’t WrestleMania, it doesn’t count as much unless you cork the wrist? 37. Miz gets thrown out again, and the cameraman does his best to hold the camera high enough to capture everything. Dean again decides to take out his frustrations on everyone and dives from the top this time. Apparently one guy can take out about 16, because even Jason Jordan gets to fall down from about six feet away. That’s some lunatic fringe power! 38. Dean does his weird elbow rope fallback thing, and that gives Baron Corbin a perfect time to attack the pinfall. Everyone comes in the ring to brawl… for about fifteen seconds… and Dean wins with a Dirty Deeds. It was silly, but it was still fun. After last night, it was nice to be able to skip a lot of the stuff that dragged on for-EVER live. JBL goes HAM sandwich with “they’re jealous of his…” rants. 39. Mr. Laiman’s a big Dean fan, so it at least made up a bit for the Kalisto squash, I suppose. I got him three shirts last night, and one of them was Dean’s new one. Overall, it didn’t have a Zayn/CFJ-like match in the middle, but it was watchable, entertaining, and consistent. I’m excited for the Royal Rumble this year, probably more than I have been in years. Even with only one Smackdown match to boot. The Rumble is my favorite match of the year. HAM OF THE NIGHT As much as it pains me, I’ll give it to James Ellsworth for the Godfather reference, complete with theme music. 2012 - Daniel Bryan 2013 - Paul Heyman 2016 - Chris Jericho 1-2-17 - Kevin Owens 1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher 1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels 1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose 1-16-17 - Sami Zayn 1-17-17 - John Cena 1-23-17 - Xavier Woods 1-24-17 - James Ellsworth Al Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact [email protected].
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