Posted in: Doctor's Orders
Detonating NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 9
By The Smartbreak Kid
Jan 16, 2015 - 12:37:30 PM

(Doc's Note - Earlier in the week, I posted a column written by LOP Mystic, praising the Wrestle Kingdom 9 show. I thought I'd also provide the counterpoint, an equally as well-written column by another former LOP columnist, The Smartbreak Kid)


Happy New Year, my Little Smartbreakers! Long time no see! You want to talk about a month where it’s impossible to find time to write? Holy shit, December. Between traveling to New Jersey and Pennsylvania from Virginia, looking at wedding venues, squeezing in time to see every friend and family member possible, watching my Eagles blow their season in person, drinking bourbon, exchanging presents that have nothing to do with the Virgin Mary pumping God’s only son painlessly from her womb, getting acquainted with my Playstation 4, logging countless hours of NBA 2K15 on said PS4, attending borderline unwatchable Sixers games, forcing my fiancé to finish Breaking Bad before Better Call Saul premiers in February, and making sex, writing about old episodes of WCW Monday Nitro was the last thing I had time to do.

In the background while all of this was happening, there was a buzz forming. Not the kind of buzz you would hear from a swarm of hybrid dolphins, but an internet buzz about a huge wrestling show happening in Japan. New Japan Pro Wrestling’s annual super-show Wrestle Kingdom was on the verge of celebrating its ninth installment in front of a raucous – well… for Japan – crowd at the Tokyo Dome. What I couldn’t figure out was, why now? Why was this show being hyped? Where were all of these internet blow-hards before Wrestle Kingdom 8? Was it because this was the first event to be associated with Jeff Jarrett’s Global Force Wrestling promotion? Was it because Jim Ross and Matt Striker were booked to call the action for American fans? I wanted to find out for myself.

In keeping with the 90’s theme of Detonating Nitro, I’m going to abandon the traditional uninspired “star” rating system used by so many and stick with the tried and true formula created by In Living Color’sMen on Film” sketch: “HATED IT” or “Two snaps…”

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Detonating Nitro: Episode 13A – Detonating NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 9



Disclaimer: These aren’t going to be play-by-play breakdowns because I do enough of that when we talk about Nitro. I’m using this as a chance to share my opinionated insight.



Introduction: In the version I watched, the show opened with a shot of the massive set and someone I can’t understand welcoming us to the event. I tried a few different links looking for an American version until a friend awkwardly pointed out that the voice I was hearing was that of Jim Ross. It’s a cool-looking layout, but when the first competitors you see are The Young Bucks, it’s easy to be underwhelmed. They’re 5 foot nothing, 100 and nothing. During the introductions, however, JR and Striker do a tremendous job of filling us in on who these competitors are and where we also may have seen them. I actually love that. To someone who has never watched a Wrestle Kingdom, this detail gave it a “big show” feel. Not a Big Show feel, but a “big show” feel. You know what I mean?

Four-way Tag Team Match for the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Championship: reDRagon (ROH Tag Team Champs Bobby Fish and Kyle O’Reilly) © def. The Young Bucks, Forever Hooligans (Rocky Romero and Alex Koslov), and The Time Splitters (Alex “I’m so much more likable without Chris Sabin” Shelley and Kushida) – This match was the spot-fest you can imagine it was. It was eight guys going, “Okay, whose turn is it?” without allowing anyone in the crowd or at home to digest what they saw. I’m a sucker for ring psychology, which was nowhere to be found in this one. I’m not going to sit here and pretend these guys aren’t tremendous athletes. They are. Their timing and ability to perform spectacular feats are among the best in the world. Guys like Kushida, Bobby Fish, and Kyle O’Reilly, who I’m not as familiar with, were especially impressive.

What took away from that athleticism is the complete disregard for logic. In this setting, no one seems to know how to string it all together. Jim Ross even points out a major plot-hole a minute into the match when O’Reilly interferes on behalf of Fish and is then seemingly acting as a legal man without ever making a tag. Striker, attempting to turn lemons into an 18 year-old single malt explains, “…That’s one thing you’ll notice here in New Japan Wrestling; the wrestling will always triumph… a lot of the nuances that sometimes you’re used to seeing… we don’t let it get in the way.” “Nuances?” You mean like legal tags? Is that a “nuance?” That doesn’t work for me.

You’re probably thinking of asking me, “SBK, does it really matter?” Yes. Absolutely. It matters. It’s the difference of wrestling being viewed as an art and wrestling being viewed as a joke. The guys eventually recover and temporarily restore order as to who is the legal man, but Striker’s attempt to explain it left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Like mincemeat pie-flavored Rita’s Water Ice or something. Oh and hearing Jim Ross say “Super Kick Party” made my skin crawl. I'll bet he used hand sanitizer after saying it. Speaking of The Young Bucks, if they ever use that “Indy-Taker/Meltzer Driver” (a springboard 450 spike Tombstone Piledriver) as anything other than a finish again, I’ll go to their mother’s house and fight them. As Hogan is my witness. I will literally fight them. Fish and O’Reilly retain after they hit Koslov – who had already taken everyone else’s finish – with a kick/brainbuster combination because why not? Verdict: Haaated it!

Six-Man Tag: Team New Japan (Hiroyoshi Tenzan, Satoshi Kojima, and Tomoaki Honma) def. Bullet Club (Jeff Jarrett w/ wife Karen and Jarrett Family coffee-brewing-specialist Scott D’Amore, Bad Luck Fale, and Yujiro Takahashi) – From what I understand, Bullet Club was one of the hottest concepts of 2013/14. Founded by Prince Devitt (currently NXT’s Finn Balor), the group of friends became an all-foreign-to-Japan stable who went against the traditional style of Japanese wrestling even after the group eventually accepted Japanese members. It was a trendy, cool stable that has seen members come and go over the past year and a half. Now Jeff Jarrett is involved because… well… Jeff Jarrett. This is his new nWo 2000. Jeff Jarrett joining Bullet Club is like that time your mom joined Facebook.

What’s cool about this one is that I’ll be writing about Hiroyoshi Tenzan when we get to Starrcade ’95. The crowd was pretty hot for this encounter. Even by American standards, they were making noise. This one was less than half as long as the opener and got double the reaction from the fans. There was an emotional investment to see these New Japan All-Stars take out the dastardly Bullet Club. You don’t need much more backstory than that. After an opener where guys were hitting brainbusters, piledrivers and double-team DDT’s, this one ended with Honma hitting a headbutt off the top that he allegedly never hits for the biggest pop of the night so far. It’s so incredibly simple. Tomoaki Honma’s gear was also the star of the match. I’m in. Verdict: I’ll give this one an “Around the World and Back” snap.

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Eight-Man Tag: Team Pro Wrestling NOAH (Mikey Nicholls, Shane Haste, Naomichi Marufuji, and Toru Yano) def. Suzukigun (Davey Boy Smith Jr., Shelton Benjamin, WWECW’s Vance Archer, and Takashi Iizuka) – Apparently we haven’t had enough multi-person tag team matches yet. Spread ‘em out, y’all. Shelton Benjamin is involved, so my expectations are pretty high. Also, Naomichi Marufuji is a Power Ranger. So that’s cool.

Both teams seem pretty thrown-together simply based on the mix of styles. Harry Smith and Lance Archer are still two of the most uninteresting-looking wrestlers I’ve ever had to watch while Toru Yano comes off like a Japanese Santino Marella with his gaga act. Takashi Iizuka, Yano's former tag team partner, is the yoked up, insane one of the group who tries to use a Wolverine steel claw contraption to possibly murder Marufuji toward the end of the match. It doesn’t work and ends with him taking a stiff knee to the mush from Marufuji. Shelton got his moment in with a leap to the top rope from the mat to throw a modified belly-to-belly superplex without making the creepy Shelton Benjamin face, so I’m happy. Verdict: Two “Thanks for not doing the creepy Shelton Benjamin face, Shelton Benjamin” snaps

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Knockout or Submission Match: Minoru Suzuki def. Kasushi Sakuraba – We’re at our fourth match into the show and it’s the first singles contest of the evening. This one can only be won if one guy submits or knocks out the other. So basically MMA rules. You should know by now how much I hate MMA’s incorporation into professional wrestling. I think it sucks and openly tells fans that what they are watching is fake. This match takes that concept and goes balls to the wall with it.

My hope was briefly renewed when Jim Ross explained that Suzuki and Sakuraba are the two best students ever taught by Karl Gotch and Billy Robinson. That grabs my interest before I even see what these two guys in their mid-40’s look like. Striker informs us that Suzuki is one of the co-founders of Pancrase (Original Gangster MMA organization) who has beaten Ken Shamrock twice in his prime. Sakuraba, as it turns out, is also a legit shooter who has wins over Shamrock, Vitor Belfort, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, and pretty much every member of the famous Gracie family. So why is this happening as a work? I don’t understand.

I’m sure you can automatically tell the extent of my MMA and Japanese wrestling knowledge by the fact that I’m just now learning who these two tough motherf@#$ers are. As neat of an idea as this encounter looks on paper, I can’t get past the fact that this should have been a shoot on a different card. Special attraction or not, you have two guys who could legitimately have an epic Mixed Martial Arts contest PRETENDING to slap on holds they would normally tap to if applied in a real environment. If marketed correctly, do you know how much money that fight would generate?

These guys have been in real fights, so they should know what makes sense and what doesn’t. They didn’t show me that. Much respect to them for everything they’ve done in their careers and I can see the appeal, but yeah between the no-selling and the fact that this shouldn’t have been a pro wrestling match… this one wasn’t for me. Suzuki forced Sakuraba to pass out from a sleeper. Verdict: Haaated it.

NEVER Openweight Championship: Togi Makabe def. Tomohiro Ishii © – JR explains that NEVER is the most convoluted acronym ever. At the end of the day it’s kind of like a Hardcore Championship, is how he interprets it. Both of these guys look like thudding brawlers, so this should be a little different than what we’ve seen so far tonight.

Jim Ross says it’ll be “bowling shoe ugly” and he’s not kidding. The contest opens with the laziest forearm exchange I’ve ever seen. Lay your shit in there! After establishing that they are both no-selling, hard-hitting tough guys influenced by the Kobashi/Misawa style of wrestling, they do everything they can to prove they aren’t on THAT level by forgetting the formula that made guys like Kobashi and Misawa special. For lack of a better term, this was “indy” as f#$%. I wish JBL was in the crowd to mock these guys like he did Awesome and Tanaka at One Night Stand. They kick out of everything, stand there to take strikes, throw a random move, and abandon any rational concept that has to do with a real fight. The only plus is that they eventually started clubbing each other for real. You would think it would lead into something substantial. Nope. Makabe won the title with a Ivan Koloff knee off the top because a maneuver from the 70’s packs more of a punch than the Dragon Suplex he threw to a guy who had a shoulder that needed surgery. "Unbreakable" Michael Elgin is somewhere violently masturbating in front of his computer. This makes it the second match of the night that ended with a knee to the head. I’m sure it won’t be the last. NEVER: Nobody Ever belieVes wE’re Real. Verdict: HAAATED IT!

IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship: Kenny Omega def. Ryusuke Taguchi © – I’m a huge fan of Kenny Omega, but I feel like he’s slumming with The Young Bucks by his side, who are his Bullet Club brethren. I mean, he once wrestled a little girl and made it work. That’s ridiculous. Here he’s challenging Ryusuke Taguchi for his Junior Heavyweight Title... which looks as small as one of those plastic WWE replica belts you get at Toys R Us.

Omega is a tremendous combination of character and wrestler. It’s something rarely seen tonight. For the most part, this is the best match of the show up until this point. There was one lapse involving The Young Bucks, naturally, who grabbed Taguchi’s leg when the referee wasn’t looking, but held on long enough for him to turn around and see. They buried the referee, who should have called for a disqualification, but hey… “nuances.” Aside from that hiccup, the match told a story, had psychology (ie. When Omega was down, Taguchi stayed on him and vice versa), and took fans on a ride lasting less than 15 minutes with the most devastating move of the match, an electric chair into a driver, being the finish – which I’m sure either one of The Young Bucks would have kicked out of. Omega is your new IWGP Junior Heavyweight Champion after a tremendously competitive match. Also, let’s give a big shout out to the director. The production crew shot the match beautifully. If there’s one match on this show I would recommend, this would be it. Verdict: Two snaps, a twist, and a fist.

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IWGP Tag Team Championship: Meiyu Tag (Hirooki Goto and Katsuyori Shibata) def. Bullet Club (Doc Gallows and Karl Anderson) © – The underdogs taking on the bad guys is up next. What started as a solid tag team match quickly devolved into an out-of-control, seemingly lost, shmoz. The referee lost authority about halfway through and any semblance of keeping track of the legal man vanished. Even Jim Ross pointed out the lack of control. With the styles they were working, I couldn’t tell which team was the heel team and which was the babyface team – obviously Bullet Club are the heel team, but Meiyu Tag pulled out a lot of heel spots like holding the arms of the vulnerable opponent for an open strike. They become your new IWGP Tag Champs in a quick match that lacked any and all structure. It felt extremely rushed so they could get all their shit in. They should have just thrown these two teams in the opener somehow. Two birds. One stone. One bad match instead of two. Verdict: Haaated it.

AJ Styles def. Tetsuya Naito – Nothing on the line here, but with AJ Styles being the internet’s new favorite whipping boy, this should be fun to watch. While I hate Emo AJ’s hair Style, I was really digging his work in TNA. He was a bright spot. Naturally, they didn’t want to keep him. Now he’s here.

The match was strong. Good back and forth between the two with transitions that made sense. It wasn’t just, “Okay, let me hit you with my next move, then you hit me with yours.” Naito’s leg was taken out of the equation so he couldn’t utilize the Stardust Press. AJ won it with the Styles Clash off the second rope, which I want to talk about for a second. As someone who has been in the ring and taken moves that require the same range of motion as the Styles Clash, I can tell you with 110% certainty that the person TAKING the Styles Clash is the one at fault when getting injured. This recent trend of asking AJ to “retire the move” is nonsense.
Sure, natural instinct in the ring 90% of the time is to tuck your chin while taking a bump unless you are falling straight forward. I just still can’t buy the fact that AJ would be at fault for using a move that requires the opponent to “go against” what you typically do when you bump. He's not asking someone to do anything complicated with their head or neck. All you have to do is look UP. That’s it. All it requires you to do is THINK. It’s not like you don’t know it’s coming. If you tuck your chin on instinct, then it’s your own fault for relying on instinct instead of thinking about your own safety. I’ve watched every botched version of the move I can find and every single guy tucks their chin at the last second. AJ does nothing differently. It’s time to put this baby to bed. Jim Ross and Matt Striker talked about how “dangerous” the move is, but that’s them doing business. If it was truly that unsafe, he would have injured a lot more of the boys and it would have been retired years ago. End of discussion. Verdict: Two Styles Clash Snaps

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IWGP Intercontinental Championship: Shinsuke Nakamura © def. Kota Ibushi – Meltzer gave this one a five star rating, so I was expecting a lot of false finishes, guys getting dropped on their necks numerous times only to kick out at two, tons of kicks and chops, German suplex after German suplex, and “Fighting Spirit” spots.

You have to understand something; Meltzer has given the “Five Star Match” treatment to 44 Japanese men’s matches (22 of which involve Kenta Kobashi and 23 of which involve Mitsuharu Misawa), 4 Ring of Honor matches (1 of which involves Kenta Kobashi), 8 Japanese women’s matches, and only 5 WWE matches in the company’s entire history. It’s no secret what this guy enjoys. If the list was called “Matches I Really Liked” instead of being treated as gospel, then I’d be okay with it, but Jesus Christ, bro.

I will admit, the pre-match hype video for this deserved five stars. I couldn’t understand a goddamn word they were saying, but I still get why they are going at it. They made it look like a major fight, not unlike boxing or UFC. It made the naturally charismatic Nakamura look like a f#$%ing bad ass rock star who can also pop and lock with the best of ‘em. Ibushi is the young heartthrob who went viral for wrestling a blowup doll.

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Ibushi wore a white t-shirt to the ring with his name on it while Nakamura wore a crown and red cape. Now I know who I want to win. The guy carries himself like a big deal. Someone who you can tell is good just by looking at him. JR explains that Nakamura loves Freddie Mercury and Michael Jackson. Yup. Definitely want him to win. Then JR says that he calls himself “The King of Strong Style.” Now I want to change my mind. Anytime a wrestler refers to “Strong Style,” they are ultimately saying that everything else that isn’t “Strong Style” is weak bullshit. I'm almost done before this one even starts. This guy’s entrance might keep me around a little longer though. He’s pretty great.

Quickly I find out that Nakamura’s entire offense is built around using his own knees for attacks. You don’t see a lot of that. Guys who build their offense around one particular strike. Sure, some guys have “educated feet,” but not like this. Ibushi displays some spectacular aerial offense, which is what he is known for. Contrasting styles typically complement one another very well. While the maneuvers they hit are impressive, there are several periods where they trade move after move, strike after strike, fire up, no-sell more strikes, and kick out of something that looks cool. I can even tell when each heat exchange is about to happen – which happens a lot. That’s not wrestling to me. By this standard, Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker at WrestleMania 25 should have received five stars from Meltzer. It didn’t.
At one point, Ibushi hits an inverted T-Bone/Exploder Suplex and calls for a running knee a la KENTA/Daniel Bryan. He hits it to a big pop and Nakamura kicks out STRONG at ONE. F#@$ that. These guys are hitting several moves that would be most other people’s finishers and they are no-selling (earlier in the match, Nakamura hit a lung-blower, then tried a reverse suplex which Ibushi flipped out of and hit something of his own). Again: NOT WRESTLING. If you could see me right now, I’m visibly upset. There are actually several points in this match where these guys do nothing but kick each other in the head. Like… the one guy is down and the other guy is standing over him… and he’s KICKING HIM IN THE HEAD! Then the guy standing and doing the kicking stops to let the other guy get up. Then when that guy gets up, he no-sells offense and takes over!

In an outlandish falsie, Nakamura is recovering on the apron while Ibushi is on his feet in the ring. Ibushi springs to the top rope NEAR the corner, not in it, grabs Nakamura around the waist, who is still standing on the apron, dead lifts him to the top and over to German him back into the ring. It was incredible to see. I actually popped because it might be one of the top five greatest moves I've ever seen. Then I threw my drink across the room when Nakamura kicked out. If the finish is anything other than them climbing to the rafters and doing a double Owen onto the top turnbuckle, then I don’t know how I’m going to watch the main event.

Nope. Nakamura won with… you guessed it… a running f#$%ing knee. I would have been totally fine with that finish if these two didn’t make themselves seem indestructible four or five different times after taking higher-impact moves. They’ve been striking each other with knees the ENTIRE MATCH! F@#$ THAT! In fact, right before the finish, Nakamura threw that same knee into the back of Ibushi’s head from the second rope. What did Ibushi do? He got up right away and started LAUGHING! F@#$ OUTTA HERE! Verdict: HAAAAAATED IT!!!

IWGP Heavyweight Championship: Hiroshi Tanahashi © def. Kazuchika Okada – From what I understand, these two are the biggest names in New Japan. They also main evented Wrestle Kingdom 7 against each other with Tanahashi retaining the same title he’s defending tonight. Based on the hype video, this one seems like a pretty big f#$%ing deal. The champion, Tanahashi, is more or less the Japanese John Cena – I’m not saying their styles are the same, but their popularity is, so calm down – while Okada, if I’m understanding correctly, is another uber-popular babyface and former two-time IWGP Heavyweight Champion. Jim Ross goes as far as comparing their rivalry to Steve Austin and The Rock, among others. High praise.

Aside from Okada hitting the Randy Orton DDT off the guardrail five minutes into the match and not IMMEDIATELY rolling Tanahashi back into the ring to attempt a pinfall, the opening stages of this one are pretty good. That particular spot led to them heading to the long ramp and Okada attempting his finisher, a Tombstone, out on the ramp with Tanahashi escaping. That exchange led to Tanahashi eating a high-angle modified Death Valley Driver/Attitude Adjustment on said ramp. Looked like it sucked.
My problem is Okada’s lack of a sense of urgency to pin the champion. After hitting that big move and a fierce kick to the grill back in the ring, he just stands around before working over Tanahashi some more. It’s things like that which make Omega/Taguchi a better match. These two seem like they’re trying to fill 30 minutes with moves instead of winning or retaining an important title.

At one point, after Tanahashi takes over, he hits a somersault senton off the second to zero reaction. I know it’s Japan and fans don’t react to everything, but earlier in the night they exploded for a top rope headbutt. It’s like they are either conditioned to know that this match isn’t going to end eight minutes in or these two did nothing to build toward the maneuver. Hate to keep going back to them as if they’re the only Japanese wrestlers I know, but Misawa and Kobashi were guilty of the same thing for a while. Their matches always went 30+ minutes, so fans stopped reacting until it got to that point. It wasn’t until they ended a contest in something like three minutes that the people woke up and said, “Shit… these matches could honestly end at ANY time.”

Jim Ross, at one point, plays off Okada’s lack of urgency as him “toying with” Tanahashi. Unless you’re built like Brock Lesnar, there’s no way you’re in any position to toy with a World Champion of any kind. Right after JR says this, Okada lets the WORLD CHAMPION get to his feet and ALLOWS him to elbow him in the face. Isn’t he a good guy? I’ll never understand the appeal or logic to this. It happens in every match I see with the label “strong style” attached. It’s f#$%ing stupid. Would you ever do that in a fight? No. I don’t care how tough you are. Boxers stick their chin out when they’re in total control, but they MOVE when the opponent tries to act on it. They don’t just stand there to see if they can take it. Pat Patterson would roll over in his grave.

Oh wait. Pat Patterson is still alive. I’m sure he wouldn’t be for long if someone showed him this tape. These two guys literally stood there trading elbows and European uppercuts for a straight minute while screaming at each other. Just when things pick up and look like they might start working in a way that suggests this is a competition, Okada hits a flying elbow from the top rope. You know… soon-to-be WWE Hall of Famer Randy Savage’s finisher. He skips the pin and calls for one of his finishers: The Rainmaker Clothesline. It’s a short-arm clothesline. I love the short-arm clothesline. I think it’s a great move. I’ve used it. Not as a finish, but I’ve used it. I just don’t understand how you can do a fireman’s carry into a driver across your knee, then expect people to believe your short-arm clothesline is the one that puts people away. Like, I can buy it if you’re JBL. He was 6’6”, almost 300 lbs, and looked like this in his prime:

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Okada is 6’3”, 230 lbs, and looks like this:

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If you can’t see the difference, then you need to update the prescription on your rose-tinted glasses. Oh yeah, Okada missed that move and Tanahashi took over. He uses a dragon-screw to twist the knee and JR says “Dr. James Andrews might have a new client.” Probably not. They’re in Japan, JR. He would have to visit famed Japanese orthopedic surgeon Dr. Jamesuki Andrewsawa.

The “Wrestle Kingdom Moment” of the match came when Tanahashi, after back-dropping Okada over the guardrail onto the large, hard arena floor gap between the fans and the ring, performed a flying cross-body frog splash over that rail onto Okada. It was the most spectacular maneuver of the night. I’ll give them that. They deserve it.

Business finally picks up when they are back in the ring. Okada tries to fight back, but Tanahashi hits his setup move for another frog splash cross-body. He nails it, but Okada rolls through a la John Cena and picks him up for the Tombstone. Tanahashi reverse to try one of his own, then plants the challenger… but he doesn’t try to pin him. For the love of Christ with these f#$%in’ guys. Instead, he heads to the top rope. He frog splashes Okada’s back then rolls him over for a pi… nope. He just rolls him over, fires up, and goes BACK to the top rope. He hits another frog splash before FINALLY going for the pin.

Okada kicks out.

Tombstone, frog splash, frog splash. Kick out. That’s the sequence. Basically Tanahashi is “Macho King” Randy Savage and Okada is The Ultimate Warrior. Only instead of throwing clotheslines, punches, and sleeper holds for fifteen minutes, these guys are doing Tombstones, frog splashes to the floor, unprotected forearms, slams on the ramp, and kicks to the face for twenty.

Tanahashi again hits “Sling Blade” which is a spin-out sleeper-slam – his aforementioned setup for the frog splash – then calls for Okada’s finish, that Rainmaker Clothesline. Sure enough, Okada reverses and hits it himself. Tanahashi kicks out and the only one who seems to be surprised is Okada. Jim Ross and Matt Striker are just pretending.

After yet another series of traded forearms and Euros, Tanahashi turns the Tombstone into a victory roll for a two count. For some reason, Tanahashi thinks it’s a good idea to smack Okada in the face six times. Then they go into a sequence where they suplex each other several times for near falls which ends with Okada throwing a beautiful dropkick that makes Jim Ross cum in his pants. I’m serious. If you ever want to hear the sound of Jim Ross cumming, then watch that dropkick. It wasn’t the series of perfectly executed suplexes that got him. It was the dropkick that got him. He lost his f#$%ing mind.

I know this has turned into play-by-play, but it’s really the only way for me to convey some of this ridiculousness.

In an attempt to finally add some realism to the match, Tanahashi – who quickly recovered from that devastating dropkick that Okada didn’t bother to capitalize on – starts dragon-screwing the leg around the ropes before hitting that frog splash while Okada is still caught in them. I like that kind of creativity. Okada is down in the ring and Tanahashi hits the fifth or sixth frog splash of the match. I’m actually getting tired of typing the words “frog splash,” but he’s going back up top again instead of going for a pin. He hits it AGAIN to put an end to my misery. This one is over and he escapes with the title after an overly-choreographed farce that left me questioning my sanity as a wrestling fan. I’m done. Good athletes though. Verdict:

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And now look what Wrestle Kingdom made me do. I wrote over 5,000 words and ran out of energy to talk about WCW. Welp, until next time, y’all.

 

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