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Posted in: Column of the Month
September CotM: Taste My Rainbow- A Memo To Those With Reservations
By Skitz
Oct 12, 2014 - 8:28:42 PM

Before we get to the September Columnist of the Month, I'd like to take a moment to direct all writers or would-be writers to the Columns Forum where Main Page writer PEN is holding his first tournament. It's no frills, no gimmicks, and no limitations. Write what you want to prove you're the best. Interested? Check it out in the Forums.

Now Let me present the September 2014 Columnist of the Month- former Main Page writer and resident wacko, the one and only SKITZ!

A Memo to Those with Reservations

Welcome back to the column that’s universally frowned upon because its a bottomless black hole of regrets - Taste My Rainbow.

Uhhhh who coordinated that "live" satellite interview on RAW? What a Jenna Jameson caliber botch job on their part. In retrospect, I should have shielded my ears because Reigns’ monotone delivery made me nod off and miss The Rock’s multiple stabs at sticking it to Lana. Did we ever receive confirmation on whether or not the promo was in fact taped in advance? Because Romano kept pausing awkwardly as if he expected Michael Cole to chime in with some of his illuminating broadcast journalism.

If I took anything away from that overhyped promo and the underwhelming reaction it garnered, Reigns is about as popular in the New York metropolitan area as John Rocker. And fuck merchandise sales. How about selling me a match instead of a t-shirt? I could give a spicy shit how much product Samoa Ro moves for WWE. He’s yet to really move me (and I barely weigh 150 pounds). I’m not the only mark still impatiently waiting to be swept off his feet either. Has Reigns truly ever had that effect on the IWC? Or was he only endorsed by the masses because of the company he once kept?

There are three former allies competing for that top spot and, judging by my math, Reigns is the odd man out. Plenty of other wrestling fanatics have worked this equation themselves and landed on the exact same answer. The vest-clad vigilante isn’t necessarily the sum as much as he is the problem. Many of us were already aware of this when The Shield split up four months ago; others have come to said realization since then. Now folks are racking their brains wondering: where in the JTG do we go from here?

Clearly, the company’s pretty high on Rollins as he’s performed admirably since joining The Authority. But what is the WWE Universe to make of Dean Ambrose? Did the company originally plan on the Lunatic Fringe’s popularity dwarfing that of his former stablemates? Is Vince merely letting the crowd dictate what happens to Ambrose? Or could his hot booking lately just be a means of keeping Reigns’ seat warm until he returns? Has Roman possibly been replaced in the pecking order? His incarcerated hernia and untimely rehabilitation process have left more unanswered questions than the scrapped storyline behind Vince’s exploding limousine.

We’re in the midst of a transition period in WWE. Stars of past glory are reverting back to the shadows while Rollins and Ambrose are presently basking in the spotlight on Monday Nights. Reigns may be the future but, as recent history’s shown, he isn’t the immediate future. And no matter how much planning has gone into preparing Roman to take over the reigns on RAW, management can still always call an audible. Whatever uncertainty is left in Vince or Hunter’s mind will be settled when the resurrection of the Roman Empire is overtaken by Ambrose’s swarming fan base. And should Reigns come back in January, we could easily have another Bryan/Batista situation on our hands.

I’ve seen people suggest that two or even all three former Shield members should compete for the WWE Heavyweight Title at WM31. Those sound like blind hearted fans suffering from shaky farsighted vision. The onscreen maturation of Reigns, Rollins & Ambrose has no doubt been expedited because the product needs fresh faces to blow the dust off an aged main event picture. But to assume any of them will be opposing Lesnar at WrestleMania is a shit assumption. And the same goes for any potential title scenario that doesn’t include The Beast Incarnate. Heyman’s client has been built far too sturdily over the last year for someone to come along and demolish Brock before ’Mania arrives.

There won’t be a shocking title change at Survivor Series next month; nor will we witness one at the Royal Rumble. Despite Rollins and Ambrose’s singles pushes being so progressive, there’s no assurance either man will be strong enough as a solo act by late March to conceivably challenge Lesnar. And I don’t think even Triple H’s Rusev-esque mancrush on Reigns can see to solidifying the Roman Empire as a formidable enough threat in time for the global phenomenon. Especially with a considerable gap of that window being shut thanks to Reigns’ emergency surgery.

I mean level with me here, homies. Aside from the affirmation that WWE is indeed going with the Samoan Superman as their next homegrown mega star, what legitimate reasoning is there in wanting to actually see Roman Reigns face Brock Lesnar? The match itself would blow more chunks than Roy Scheider at the end of Jaws. And despite being similar in stature to the reigning World Heavyweight Champion, the young muscle would have a tough uphill battle trying to avoid falling short of everyone’s expectations. Has any current wrestler been booked dominantly enough in 2014 to be a realistic opponent for The Beast? No. Not Orton. Not Batista. Not Cena (back of the line, pal!). Nor has Big Show. Or Cesaro. Or Wyatt. We both know Bray’s too much of a lovable family man.

Did I hear a few readers mention Rusev? Fools! The Russian mercenary isn’t interested in trophies or waist accessories. Rusev & Lana are strictly scouring the states to enforce their political agenda. Besides, I’d rather watch The Rock dismantle that furry foreigner and his showpiece of a valet. Speaking of Mr. Hollywood, I wouldn‘t even consider him for the role of beating Brock. Not at this ‘Mania with this storyline anyway. Save Rock/Lesnar for 2016 when there’s no title involved. Yeah obviously a match-up with that much mainstream appeal could help steer WrestleMania 31 to a record number of buys. It’d also drive me to drink, develop liver disease and die an agonizing death. Nobody wants that (correction: none of you should want that).

So basically I don’t believe there’s anyone in the WWE locker room capable of upsetting Heyman’s client, right? Correct.

Which is where Daniel Bryan comes in. Remember him? Stocky, rugged fellow. Popular catchphrase. Tremendous technical ability. Yeah that guy. He’s who I’d book to win the 2015 Royal Rumble and oppose Brock Lesnar in front of 70,000+ fans at Levi’s Stadium. I recall the creator of this very competition explaining not too long ago how D-Bry facing "The One" in 21-1 simply isn’t realistic to which I reply: When has that ever truly mattered in professional wrestling? Was it realistic for Bryan to defeat Triple H, endure a post-match beat down, prevail over both Batista & Randy Orton and capture the WWE Heavyweight Championship all within the same night? Errrrr not quite.

D-Bry is a proven underdog and the only way the company could outdo his WMXXX performance is by having Goatface incredulously slay The Beast in front of a worldwide audience. At the end of the day, we’re talking about professional wrestling; a scripted sport with predetermined outcomes reliant on entertaining its viewers. Everybody above the age of twelve watches ’rasslin for recreational purposes and many of those individuals do so by the off-chance that they witness something amazing. Something different. Something newsworthy. D-Bry vanquishing Lesnar falls under all three of those categories. Considering how far management ran with Bryan up until his neck required more attention than a Bella embrace, it isn’t preposterous to imagine him standing in a WWE ring across from Brock six months from now.

And if you wish to analyze it from a logistical point of view, look no further than John Cena. He’s pinned Lesnar before and had him reaching for the ropes at Night of Champions before Mr. MITB interfered. Isn’t Cena the same franchise talent Bryan beat cleanly a little over a year ago? Hold on lemme check my notes real qu… why yes he is! So would it honestly be that ridiculous for D-Bry to put up a decent fight against the seemingly unstoppable monster? Not by my estimation.

That bearded beauty of a man is damn near unflappable and we wrestling nerds depend on stories centered around unlikely heroes. I’d sure as hell rather root on an undersized gym rat who’s scratched and clawed to earn his spot; rather than feign excitement for a prototypical WWE wrestler with the business in his blood who’s been handed every opportunity to succeed. What in the flying fuck has Roman Reigns done to deserve a World Heavyweight Title shot against Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania? Besides lift some weights and have The Rock for a cousin?

Apparently in the eyes of those handing out grades, Reigns has aced every test they’ve placed in front of him. I hope the chain of events in Roman’s absence however send the powers-that-be scrambling for an Option B. What’s it gonna be, McMahon clan? The consummate professional with a knack for pulling off miracles or your lukewarm meal ticket who bitches about his crummy restaurant service on Twitter? Its not even that tough of a choice. Just vote YES and put a lid on that oozing jar of Ebola you call Roman Reigns.

- SkitZ

TMR; Your Favorite Worst Column