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Posted in: Column of the Month
LoPForums Comedy Column Of The Year - WWE For The Kinect by avery
By avery
Jan 9, 2013 - 1:36:44 PM

We here at Avery Co are excited to finally talk about our new software that has been one week in the making. This is going to change your WWE Monday Night RAW live experience every week. You have been talking and we've been listening.

"We felt as though RAW can sometimes choke on major camel balls," states avery, the founder of Avery Co, "But it doesn't always have to be that way. We wanted to make it so that every WWE show you watched, starting with RAW, was finely tuned to how YOU enjoyed watching it."

Since RAW already focuses on the stories and action, it was only a matter of time before someone found a way to modify the rest. All you need is the Xbox Kinect, an Xbox360, a TV, a cable subscription, a room big enough for the Kinect to scan your whole body, enough light so that it can spot the difference between black skin and a cheap brand end table, and pure utter quiet within 20 feet or otherwise it won't pick up your voice. With these simple requirements, the all new WWE Monday Night RAW Live for the Kinect (tm) will send you down a path of wrestling never before seen.

Don't like the lack of crowd interaction? With the all new voice command, simply saying "WWE... Volume Up" and the mundane crowd is now in an uproar for a Yoshi Tatsu match. Or perhaps you feel like the crowd is too loud and shouldn't care as much as they do that Tensai is really the former Albert. Now, by saying "WWE... Shut the hell up" you can make the crowd silent enough for a funeral. The gentle sobs of a woman in the nose-bleed section can now be heard from inside the ring as she is beaten senseless for having ever been a John Morrison fan only because of his abs.

The crowd isn't the only noise that is distracting from a match, and we at Avery Co know that. That's why we created the command "WWE... Michael Cole likes 10lbs of raw man meat down his throat." By stating both the commentators name and the amount of dicks in his mouth, you're able to muffle their commentary all together. The lesser amount crammed down there, the more audible he'll be.

Don't like "what" chants interfering with promos? "WWE... What chants" replaces the crowds chants with a woman's orgasm. Enjoy a Great Khali promo as though every sentence he forms is bringing women closer and closer to orgasm.

Our personal favorite is the new Diva's Match filter. How many times have you heard this scenario: Beth Phoenix is announced for a match and you're over joyed, only to discover that her opponent is Alicia Fox. Who? Am I right? Now with the Diva's Match filter, that god-awful match of Beth Phoenix V. Alicia Fox can become the amazing combination of Beth Phoenix V. Beth Phoenix. With the family passcode, you can change the entire match from video mode to picture mode, showing only bikini shots and Playboy spreads of your favorite WWE Diva. Or for men who would rather not deal with any women during their two hour sausagefest, a sixty second PSA on why women shouldn't be allowed to read will replace the entire match.

Are you the competitive type? We offer Kinect integrated mini-games like a Duck Hunt style game that allows you to make gun fingers and blow Hornswoggle's head clean off his shoulders, pinpointing the hottest girl/funniest sign in the crowd by circling your pointer finger, or our personal favorite, switches the video from WWE RAW to Battlefield 3/Call of Duty Black Ops 2, allowing you to play something that doesn't suck while RAW does. With an Xbox Live gold membership, you'll have the option to submit your highest scores, compare them with friends, or record a video of yourself not watching RAW and send it straight to YouTube.

If you're already a member of social media outlets, sign-in using your Facebook, Twitter, or IMDB accounts. Every time Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson mentions Twitter, write homophobic remarks on his Twitter page and then score his awful movies the lowest rating that you can. By the way, "#The Rock is a big black ****"? Now trending worldwide.

We’ve also noticed a large amount of fans of foreign wrestling constantly criticizing the WWE for its American traditions. Well no more. Using the Closed Caption option, you can now select a number of other languages. If you’re a fan of Japanese wrestling, you’re probably tired of all the wrestlers in America being exceptionally good at 10 moves instead of subpar at 50. Switch to Japanese Closed Caption and all the wrestlers’ repitor will be replaced with 100 moves that they’re not even sure they can perform themselves, and 20 different finishers which only sometimes keep their opponents down. That’s entertainment! You’ll also notice as an added bonus that boring everyman names like John Cena and Kevin Nash will be replaced by Japanese style random words put together like Necro Butcher or Guy Wearing Tiger Mask Vee Eye. That’s just a small taste of the Closed Caption option. Selecting Spanish will add unnecessary flips to every wrestler’s entrance and also slaps a mask over their head, because why not.

Now, this next option is more like a patch to the product already available. It tells the program to shut the music off. This is actually a really helpful addition as it takes Nickelback/Kid Rock/Today’s Shitty Band completely off the show. No longer are you forced to listen to the music they played at Hitler’s funeral to ward off the evil spirits. If you’re tired of your ears spewing blood at the beginning of every RAW, this is the patch for you. Please note, however, that replacing Nickelback’s Burn it to the Ground with any other nu-metal song may cause the entire show to crash. We’re working on a reverse patch that will replace every wrestler’s entrance music with a song by Downstait, but as of right now, the WWE has already beaten us to it.

We’re really looking forward to releasing this in the near future. We at Avery Co feel like this will end all stupid, random bitching on the internet. After all, if the show still sucks, you’ll only have yourself to blame. In the full version, due out next year, we’re looking to include other options like adding blood to matches that don’t need it because you guys won’t shut up about how awesome blood makes everything, chair shots to the head because people just are not satisfied until people die for our entertainment, and every other word getting bleeped whether its profane or not to give the illusion that each promo is way more edgy. Because edgy always equals better quality when you’re 13.

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