"Kick my ass? Nah, not likely//Out mic me? Not likely//Stay on the
sidelines, like Spike Lee"--Bumpy Knuckles "Industry Shakedown"

Like good rap music? Not corny radio sing song crap, but good rap music?

Then I suggest you check out the new Rza as Bobby Digital "Digital Bullet"
CD. I don't care what you do, DL a few songs off the net, borrow it from a
friend, buy it in the store, whatever...I'd like to see Rza go platinum with
this one. I love that insane ODB appearance...damn shame Big Baby Jesus is
locked up. This and Stankonia are really the only great rap CDs to come out
this year. By the way, what's up with Nelly winning at the Source Awards
for best album? I mean, I thought this was The Source Awards, not the Kid's
Choice Awards. Come ON. I thought awards were given based on quality, not
album sales...

I know, I know. I've been slacking off and taking entirely too much
advantage of Calvin's "at least one column every other week" rule. Maybe
I'll make it up to y'all and start Chad Shadow's Phat Hourly Column! One
column every hour, on the hour! Yeah, that's the ticket...

Big Brother: To do a column every hour, you'd either have to be on your
computer constantly or type up a quick, horrible column for each consecutive
hour.

Oh. I have a hard enough time typing a quick, horrible column every other
week.

All kidding aside, I'm going back to my weekly fold until I hit college.
I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen with this column when I go to
college....I mean, I'm really not into wrestling as much as I used to be.
Every show is getting more and more missable....I guess if I end up quitting
watching wrestling, I'll end my column. I don't know. Don't expect me to
dissapear into thin air, though. IF I do put my column to rest, I'll
definitely let everyone know in advance and kick it off with a special final
edition. I really have no idea what's going to happen. I'm just saying
that there's just as much chance as this column sticking around as there is
it retiring at this point.

Anyway, enough mumbling and babbling. Just sit back, relax, and
read....here's how this issue is broken down:

A--RANT OF THE WEEK
B--HERE'S A THOUGHT
C--TOP 5
D--THE WRESTLING MINUTE

RANT OF THE WEEK:

I'm actually very impressed with what the WWF has done for the WCW talent
so far. Booker T has undergone an amazing metamorphisis from the
caricature he was on Nitro to the full blown character he is on RAW. It
really is impressive. He finally has catchphrases, signature moves,
charisma, and a gimmick to compliment his wrestling ability. Unfortunately,
Booker T is getting a little bit more boring in the ring. Am I going crazy,
or did he forget how to pick somebody up and slam them onto the ground? All
I'm seeing is clotheslines, scissor kicks, and spinaroonis.

It is EXTREMELY NICE to see the WWF allow Sean Staziak, Hugh Morrus, and
Hurricane Helms the precious backstage time to develop their own personas.
I'm really getting a kick out of Stasiak's off beat shenanigans and
Hurricane Helms' schtick is growing on me. Yes, its corny, but so is
driving a milk truck to the ring. You just can't take wrestling too
seriously anymore and enjoy it for what it is--entertainment.

Looks like the WWF is going into re-runs. A third midget spot? Another
medal theft? Ah, well. It's entertaining and that's all that matters I
guess. I just wish the WWF would get Rock vs. Austin over with. The casual
fans might be fooled, but every Internet fan on the planet knows damn well
that The Rock and Steve Austin will keep their respective titles until they
face each other. It's just putting off the inevitable....

I like the idea of a face Rock vs heel Austin match. It will work, unlike
the LUDICROUS build up to the face vs. face Rock vs Austin match--remember
that crap?

THE ROCK: Listen up, Austin, and you listen good...The ROCK SAYS that COME
SUMMERSLAM THE ROCK IS GOING TO SHINE UP HIS BOOT REAL NICE AND....shake
your hand.

AUSTIN: Oh yeah? Well, you little mealy mouth jackass, here's what is
going to happen. What? Come summerlam Austin is going to open up a can
of...respect. Good luck TO YA.

*Shudders* Bad memories there....

For the love of God, would somebody change the Undertaker's theme music?!
"Rollin" isn't a song for muscular bikers, it's a song for children who dump
green goo on each other on Nickelodean. It is soooooo lame.... Don't even
get me started on Fred Durst. I would pay a lot of money to sedate him and
remove his voice box. He needs to remember that he is a ROCK SINGER, not a
POP RAPPER...but that's another issue altogether.

DDP plays a good psycho, I'll give him credit for that. Too bad he never
looks good in the ring though. He never gets any offense in anymore. He'll
do a few punches, try and grab Sara's ass, get his teeth knocked in and lose
a match. I realize that heels are supposed to be pussies, but come on.
Give the guy some credit.

I don't mind 20 minute interviews if they are entertaining. However, the
first live Smackdown really tried my patience. I never got so pissed off at
a wrestling show before. I sat through BORING promos and BORING backstage
segments for two goddamn hours. Needless to say, I wasn't looking forward
to watching any RAW or Smackdown for quite a while. Now, if the WWF
absolutely must do a long promo...please involve the Rock. The Rock cuts
some of the best promos in the business (case in point, the whole WCW World
Title stuff last Monday), repetitive or not. Austin should only be held to
ten minutes ring talk, maximum. What? He should only be held to ten
minutes. What?

Looking to the future, I can't imagine the WWF having any possible success
on their Saturday Night Timeslot. It's one of those things that'll bomb,
then J.R. will say in his Ross Report "Give it time" for a few weeks. Four
hours of wrestling is enough a week. You can't ask too much more from your
viewers, WWF. Also, I really don't see any point to this Invasion besides
getting the titles back to the right sides. I thought the Alliance was
fighting for a timeslot or something...??? Hard to envision an Alliance
broadcast at this point....

HERE'S A THOUGHT:

Maybe the pay per view buyrates aren't lower because of the matches--maybe
it's because of what the matches mean. When was the last time a fued
culminated at a pay per view? The Russo Era? The WWF is giving leftovers
after every pay per view, and the fans know it. Wrestlers build up a big
feud with a HYPED Pay Per view, and then continue the feud for two weeks
until it finally sizzles out. We're getting leftovers, and no HUGE matches
that solve anything. I hate leftovers.

TOP FIVE:
"Why only five? Because the MAN deprived me of TEN!"--Nat X

TOP FIVE WRESTLING OPPOSITES:
--5 Mick Foley/Rikishi (One missed very few wrestling shows while injured,
and one misses television constantly because of injuries.)
--4 Austin/Jacqueline (One gets hours of backstage segments and interviews,
and one gets a four minute appearance on RAW every two months.)
--3 Spike Dudley/Big Show (One is drastically overweight, one is drastically
underweight.)
--2 Chris Benoit/Billy Gunn (One makes the other wrestler look good on
purpose, the other makes the other wrestler look good by accident.)
--1 Kurt Angle/Al Snow (One worked hard for over a decade in professional
wrestling without getting far, and one accomplishes everything in one year.)

THE WRESTLING MINUTE:
This is my version of David Spade's Hollywood Minute, except I mock
wrestling news.

--Recently the Undertaker has been criticized by wrestlers backstage because
he "refuses to job." By some, he is being compared to Kevin Nash who
"refuses to work."

--Joanie Laurer was recently interviewed with MTV Video Music Awards,
Uncensored, where she was introduced as the "wrestler formerly known as
Chyna" instead of the woman formerly known as Carl."

--Scott Hall now has custody of his children. A rescue team is on its way.

--Contrary to reports otherwise, Stacey Kiebler and Torrie Wilson are not
working through ankle injuries, they just don't know how to fucking wrestle.

--Diamond Dallas Page may not be able to wrestle anymore because of a "sore
knee." Triple H, Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan, and Steve Austin recently called
Nash and told him to start wearing KNEEPADS from now on.

That's it for today's column. I'm done typing this...go ahead and email me
if you like, I don't mind feedback and I usually respond to every email I
get. I'm out like Crystal Clear Coke. One.

--Chad Shadow
"I have a column and you don't, so suck on that."