Long time, no see. It's been ten days since I was last here bringing nostalgia to the pages of Lords Of Pain, thanks to Sky Sports' scheduling, but now I'm back. And I'm a lot happier as well, as I did well enough in my A-Levels to go to my first choice uni, the University Of Surrey, to read Business Economics. I understand that Tito reads Economics, so if you've got time Tito, can you give me some much needed advice? If Tito can't help me, I understand that Tajiri reads Economics, so if I ever bump into my good commissioner Mr Regal, I'll ask him about it. A couple more things before I start, first off as always, visit the site I now co-own with The Franchise Manny Colon, THE WRESTLE RANT BOARD - you may have seen our link on LOP's referrers list because WE WANT TO BE KNOWN DAMNIT!!! Finally, this WWF Classics recap is dedicated to Martin O'Neill and Celtic Football Club for getting us into the group stages of the UEFA Champions League for the first time. And this recap serves a double purpose too, so HAHAHAHA to Dick Advocaat and his Huns for rotting in hell way down in the hellhole that is the UEFA Cup. I'm sure if Celtic (and hopefully Arsenal in the same group) can finish off Galatasaray or someone like that, they'll be glad to dush you in down there...

WWF WRESTLING CHALLENGE
Original Airdate: 26th April 1987
Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan

(Side note here, Bobby Heenan was a source of a small embarrassment for me last week, after I got my results, some friends of mine called me "The Brain", I said "no damnit, Bobby Heenan's "The Brain"", forgetting to remember that only two or three of my mates watch wrestling, and they only picked it up a couple of years ago, so they had no idea who Bobby Heenan was. Still, I'm bringing the beer for the next get-together, so I don't give a frig really...)

Oh yes, I've got a recap to do. Heenan comes onto the announce position with Monsoon late, as we see him arrive, the fans deride him with "Weasel" chants. Looks like these are the first tapings after WrestleMania III. As they throw to the intro, Heenan complains about his reception. After the intro (if you've never seen the programme, it's some cheesy sax music, much different to the all-out rock we expect from the WWF today), Monsoon informs us that we're going to see a tag team match between The Islanders and the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers, plus action from George "The Animal" Steele, The Hart Foundation, Billy Jack Haynes and The CanAm Connection. Also we've got Part Four of the Ken Patera vignettes, as Patera leaves prison to go and sort out Bobby Heenan. But now to the ring...

Steve Lombardi and Canada's Greatest Athlete Iron Mike Sharpe Vs The CanAm Connection
Is it me, or does Monsoon mark out with all the girls in the arena every time Martel and Zenk come out? If the homo bug was going around the WWF back then, at least Monsoon admired guys that looked pretty. If I'd been recapping programmes from two years previously, you'll know what type of male wrestlers Vince McMahon fancied. As reward, one of those types of male wrestlers runs the WWF's home video department. Rick Martel starts off with the Brawler (decked out in basic red tights), tries to go for a leg based submission, but Lombardi isn't having any of it. Lombardi quickly takes offensive duties on Martel by beating on him in the heels' corner before tagging in Sharpe, the self proclaimed "Canada's Greatest Athlete". Hey, we've got our own little version of the CanAms right here in Lombardi and Sharpe! I've finally picked up on 1987 booking logic!!! Back to the match, as Tom Zenk runs in and gets held back by Joey Marella, Mike Sharpe holds Martel for Lombardi to take a shot at him, Martel ducks and Sharpe goes down to an earlier version of a "You F**ked Up" chant. Martel proceeds to hold the Brawler as the Z-Man goes up top and hits Lombardi with a missile dropkick. The dropkick gets two for the CanAms as Sharpe sees himself to break the count up despite the fact that he's actually the legal man. As Martel attempts to hit Lombardi with the Acid Drop (Dudley Dawg) and fails, we see Mr Fuji cut a promo on them in the corner, saying that the Demolition are intending on making the CanAms their next targets. Zenk's tagged in and so is Sharpe, and we've got Sharpe ramming everyone's favourite Internet commentator in the corner. Irish whips sends Zenk tied up in the ropes right next to Lombardi, and Sharpe lays a beating on Zenk's chest right in front of Joey Marella. Before Marella reaches five, Zenk's unhooked and is loaded right into the Brawler's boot. Lombardi is tagged in, he brings Zenk down onto his knee and gets a two count for it. Tag to Mike Sharpe, he Irish whips Zenk and we have an almighty collision. Hot tags all round, and the future Model, Rick Martel goes flying with punches on Steve Lombardi. BAAAACK BODY DROP!!! Martel follows that up by dropkicking Sharpe off of the ring apron and proceeds to dropkick the Brawler as well. Martel rams Lombardi into the CanAm's corner and tags in Zenk, who powerslams Lombardi after Martel jumps over an Irish whip. Martel's tagged, and the patented Slingshot Over The Top Rope gets the CanAms the three count victory. Monsoon wonders when they're going to get a Tag Team Title shot, well backstage politics put paid to that...
Winners: The CanAm Connection

The Wrestlers' Rebuttal w/ Craig DeGeorge
Special Guest: Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake
Did Hogan have some sort of vendetta against DeGeorge or what??? Anyway, Beefcake says that Adrian Adonis is a fat slob and that he's willing to finish him off, and he says he'll sort out Greg Valentine, Dino Bravo and Johnny V all in one go. With the confidence that is Bollea's backstage power, I feel that Beefcake's predictions may be justified.

Adverts.

Billy Jack Haynes Vs Tiger Chung Lee
Oh god. Tiger Chung Lee is on my list of the few things I'd rather listen to a Westlife CD than. But at least it's Billy Jack in there with him, so the amount of male Westlife listeners still remains at the fag who lives a few houses away from me. Haynes takes down Tiger's legs and goes for a headlock submission, Tiger powers out early on in the match. Haynes Irish whips Tiger, goes for a cross body but Tiger shrugs it off to the point that he probably taught the Undertaker how to no-sell. For those of you by the way who are thinking of ways other than using your AK's to make the Undertaker sell, I have the ultimate solution... a Westlife CD. Those who see me near kitchen sinks know how much you HAVE to sell even after seeing one of their videos. Back to the match, and Tiger's still on offense, putting Haynes down with a punch. Match so far isn't what I've expected, seems as though Tiger's leading Haynes through it, not the other way round. Therefore, in the words of Jim Cornette, it sucks a dick. Tiger chops Haynes down, and Hercules Hernandez (they're now taking to saying his surname on air) cuts a promo on the guy who's woefully getting his arse kicked. Generic beating by Tiger gets him a two count, he goes for the Irish whip into the corner, but Billy Jack reverses, sending Tiger upside down in the corner. Hiptoss by Haynes, and finally the match gets good as the right man is controlling the pace. Hook suplex by Haynes, and once Tiger gets up, he gets hooked into the Full Nelson and the ref calls for the bell to end a travesty of a match in which Haynes was only allowed to get in a couple of moves. Just about better than Westlife methinks - maybe worth putting on an 'NSync CD instead.
Winner: Billy Jack Haynes

Mean Gene Okerlund brings in The Colonel Jimmy Hart, and when I type in THAT nickname, you know what wrestler he's bringing on, it's our good friend The Honky Tonk Man! And it's our favourite appeal again, time to Ban The DDT! Hart talks shite, so Mean Gene lets Honky do most of the talking, he says not only should the DDT be banned but so should Jake Roberts. Honky also says that the fans want to see the Shake Rattle And Roll, Peggy Sue wants to see that move, especially on Saturday nights by the jukebox and Sunday mornings before he goes to church and Monday morning before he goes to court to sue his cousin... whoops, he didn't say that on the programme. By the way, my petition to make Albert matches decent to watch may take to the Internet sometime this weekend, I'll let you know the URL soon.

I spoke earlier of the type of wrestlers that Vince McMahon fancied, well here's one of them right now, and indeed it is the guy who runs the Home Video department, Hillbilly Jim! And what's more, he's got Outback Jack with him. Five words for Outback Jack - Mark Butcher 173 Not Out! They're talking about animals, as Hillbilly Jim brings up racoons (and no I will NOT bring up that scene from Forrest Gump), Jack talks about emus and the eggs that they lay - uhoh, that's the meal ticket for Hillbilly Jim! It was at this very moment that Vince McMahon regretted hiring Outback Jack, because now his precious Hillbilly Jim's been taken from him. Noooooooooo!

Non Title Match
Nick Kiniski and Joe Mirto Vs The Hart Foundation w/ Jimmy Hart and Dangerous Danny Davis
Gorilla Monsoon questions why all of a sudden the Hart Foundation have only been wrestling in non-title matches, and Heenan replies by saying that Kiniski and Mirto aren't ready for a title shot yet. Good wisdom, Mr Heenan. Jim Neidhart and Nick Kiniski start off, The Anvil throws Kiniski to the corner, but Kiniski gets out of the way and Neidhart eats turnbuckle. Before the match, Danny Davis got promo time, not really worthy to note here. Crossbody by Kiniski gets two from Joey Marella, he drags The Anvil to the faces' corner and tags in Joe Mirto. Eye rake and bodyslam by Neidhart, and Bret Hart gets the tag. The Hitman goes to the second rope and pulls off a nice elbow on Mirto. Bret plays to the crowd a bit as Mirto stirs to his feet but not enough so that he can cheapshot The Hitman, as Bret goes back to work on him. Monsoon and Heenan spend the match talking about the previous Hillbilly Jim and Outback Jack promo, and they hit on a comment about turkeys. Don't tell me they came up with the idea for the Gobbledegooker right there and then? That almost led me to sliding a knife into my brain eleven years ago! Neidhart chokes Mirto with the tag rope, allowing The Hitman to take a shot to Mirto's midsection. The Anvil's tagged back in, distracts Joey Marella, allowing Bret to choke Mirto out again with the tag rope. THAT is the reason why tag ropes ruled. Please bring them back!!! Neidhart punks Mirto out in the corner, and Bret's tagged in again. All Bret does here is basically beat the shite out of Mirto, prompting Monsoon to use the monicker that only HE used back in 1987 - the Excellence of Execution. It took Vince and the others a few more years to click into that one. Neidhart's tagged back in, and we see exactly why the Hart Foundation are Tag Team Champions, as they're very clearly cutting the ring in half, preventing Mirto from getting the tag to Kiniski. All The Anvil does here is hold Mirto in position, tags in The Hitman, we see the Hart Attack and Marella counts three for the win. Bret's initial rope rebound for the Hart Attack was right in front of Kiniski, why couldn't he pull the damn rope down? BECAUSE HE WAS SCARED, THAT'S WHY! Kiniski's a wuss! He's not man enough to be in the ring with the Hart Foundation! Great win for Bret Hart and Jim Neidhart, as Danny Davis (wearing referee coloured pants and boots) kicks the shite out of Mirto on the canvas. They cut to the crowd who hold up three items, a Hulk Hogan action figure, an Andre The Giant poster and a well-known dairy product that this writer is driven to insanity about!
Winners: The Hart Foundation

Mean Gene's back, and the boys at Lethal Wrestling will be excited to hear that his guest is Koko B Ware and his parrot Frankie! Koko more or less confirms everyone's racial stereotypes in this promo, when he stops ripping off Slick's gimmick of being a Jive Soul Bro, he has a few words for Danny Davis, saying that the BirdMan's not hard to find and that he's ready for a match. Frankie said sqwauk, therefore he cuts a better promo than Grandmasta Sexay. In 1987, you had to work hard to find someone who could cut a better promo than Frankie The Parrot. Nothing else of note said. Damn this job's easy!

Adverts.

The Islanders Vs The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers
Both of these teams were faces at the time, a year later, they'd both be heels. And at this point in time, they both sucked. Incidentally, the fans have crowned the Islanders as the faces in this match, as I heard a few boos for the Rougeaus. Bobby Heenan says that the Rougeaus' outfits are cheap rip-offs of his clothes, Monsoon says that the Rougeaus' clothes have class unlike Heenan's. Haku starts off with Raymond, Haku gets a back elbow in, Raymond gets a punch, Irish whip and Raymond gets the Lou Thesz Press (without punches) for two. Raymond puts Haku in a side headlock and tags in Jacques. Sunset flip by Haku gets two, which he follows up with a hiptoss and a tag to Tama. Plenty of Irish whip rebounds follow, and Jacques gets a nice monkey flip kick on Tama which brings Monsoon to orgasm much like Paul Heyman when he sees Rhyno's Gore. Without any further action, both men walk to their corners, tagging in their partners. So it's back to Raymond Rougeau and Haku, and it's Haku who takes advantage, wringing very hard on Raymond's arm. Tama's tagged back in and he jumps off the top rope and hammers into Raymond's back. Whilst holding Raymond, Tama tags Haku back in, double Irish whip and a double chop to the chest by the Islanders. Haku shrugs off an attempt at a sleeperhold by Raymond, throwing him down to the canvas. Haku brings Raymond to the corner and chops him repeatedly to a few whooos from the crowd. Raymond finally gets his sleeperhold on Haku but doesn't quite bring him down. Tama goes up top and hammers into Raymond's back, breaking the hold and saving his partner. Tama is tagged in as Bobby Heenan says that he doesn't care who wins the match. A year later, the Islanders would be managed by... you guessed it. Raymond attempts a sunset flip on Tama, but Tama's just too strong and manages to punch Raymond out of it. Tama gets a side suplex on Raymond before tagging Haku back in. Monsoon at this point predicts a Rougeaus victory, leaving Heenan to pick the Islanders for the win. Could end up being a double count-out then or something. Double headbutt by the Islanders, Irish whip, and Raymond gets a crossbody on Haku for the two-count. Reverse thrust kick by Haku and Raymond's back in The Islanders' corner. Tama's tagged, and he takes Raymond down for a two-count that is broken up by Jacques. Raymond, supposedly playing Ricky Morton in this match, tags in Jacques to absolutely no reaction, proving that the fans see the Islanders as the faces in this match. Flying dropkick by Jacques on Tama is followed up by a knee drop on the canvas. Bodyslam by Jacques gets two, and Jacques pulls off an abdominal stretch, but leaves himself open to a Haku punch. The match at this point completely falls apart, and Steveweiser proves himself to be a booking genius by successfully predicting a double count-out for this match. And the crowd don't like it one bit. Seems as though every time a match goes down between two opponents the fans give a toss about on Wrestling Challenge, it always ends in some sort of a draw. Cop out booking sucks...
Double Count-Out

The Snake Pit w/ Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Special Guest: Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Duggan more or less cuts the same promo about Nikolai Volkoff and his ganja car buddy The Iron Sheik that he did a few weeks ago, that being the one about Russians and Iranians thinking that all Americans are like Ric Flair. Jake Roberts enquires why Duggan brings a 2x4 down with him to the ring, and Duggan says it's his equaliser. Volkoff and the Sheik don't play by the rules, so Hacksaw Jim Duggan won't either. "U Submit to Angle" strikes up again, at this point I actually realise it's NOT a set of new tapings, as we see that same little girl from last week, still with that darned dairy product in hand. Might be new tapings next week, we could be lucky yet.

Mr Fuji has Kamala, Sika and Kim Chee with him, and says that Sika has great strength because he eats raw fish, and sure enough Sika tucks in to a large raw fish, causing jealous reactions from Kamala, who wants his fish. Damnit Sika, you should know by now never to besmirch the good name of Kamala! If Kamala wants his fish, GIVE HIM THE DAMN FISH! 10 million consecutive Air Kamalas for you Sika!!! DON'T CROSS WITH KAMALA EVER AGAIN YOU PRICK!!!

Alex Knight and S.D. Jones Vs Kamala and Sika w/ Mr Fuji and Kim Chee
Looks like it's a special love/hate relationship, they're still together. Sika starts off with S.D. Jones, puts his head down too quickly, Jones gets a few shots in, but Sika is just too big-boned so the attacks are ineffective. YES! My idol and god Kamala is tagged in, he Irish whips Jones and gives him a reverse thrust kick. As Sika is tagged back in, kicking the living shite out of Jones, the CanAms issue a challenge to Kamala and Sika for next week on Wrestling Challenge. That'll be one for the ages! Knight is tagged in, and Kamala's back in as well, it appears to the naked eye that Kamala botches a bodyslam on Knight, but Kamala's really using some sort of African spirit in order to cripple Knight for the crime of besmirching Kamala's good name simply by being in the same ring as him. Belly splash by Kamala puts Knight away for three, DAMNIT I didn't get to see Air Kamala! But wait! Hold The Phone! He's going up top! Damnit, Kim Chee stops him from Air Kamala! Lombardi sucked more dick there than he did in losing to the CanAms earlier in the show! He must have got dressed quickly though... still, my day is made by witnessing a Kamala victory, you go Kamala!
Winners: Kamala and Sika

Adverts.

Monsoon's about to throw to Part Four of the Ken Patera vignettes, at the very mention of them, Bobby Heenan protests against its broadcast and storms off the announce position. As Heenan leaves, Monsoon finally throws to...

The Ken Patera Story
Part Four
We see Mean Gene outside of Ken Patera's prison, and sure enough, Patera meets him outside the prison. Patera says he's free in two senses, the obvious sense of being out of prison, and he's also free from the false guidance of Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. We cut to Ken Patera in a gym getting back in shape, he says that everyone thought that he was finished, but he's back bigger and stronger than ever. He's also out to set two things straight, that he can come back from a fall and that he can be a rolemodel for everyone to follow. We see him in the end showing off in front of a mirror saying that he's coming back soon.

Jesse Cortez Vs George "The Animal" Steele
Steele charges right into the ring and takes a bite of Cortez's arm, and after that works fully on the arm as his focal point. Steele then throws Cortez into a couple of turnbuckles... uhoh, you know what happens with George Steele and turnbuckles! As per usual, he's savaging one of them. Why? BECAUSE HE'S AN ANIMAL DAMNIT!!! The Animal then hooks in the Flying Hammerlock, which Cortez submits to pretty easily, and a quick match is over. George then takes down the ref and hugs him like a maniac. The ref is shit scared as you'd expect if you were hugged by a man with hair all over his body. Possibly the reaction X-Pac would have if Albert ever hugged him.
Winner: George "The Animal" Steele

Mean Gene has Johnny V with him, who's wearing a nice jacket, shirt and gold tie but is also wearing an atrocious pair of trousers if ever there were any. He brings on Greg Valentine and Dino Bravo, the New Dream Team. Bravo claims that when the Old Dream Team were Tag Team Champions, Greg Valentine more or less held the belts by himself because Brutus Beefcake wasn't justifying his ends. The Hammer calls his ex-partner "Fruitcake" and says that he had to carry Beefcake through all their wars over the years. He says that Beefcake's on the outside looking in, and when he's looking in the mirror, the New Dream Team will be behind him to beat the crap out of him. Dino Bravo says he'll give Beefcake the Canadian Backbreaker and he also said that the New Dream Team are the best team in the WWF and that they'll be Tag Champions soon. Mean Gene then figures out what's different about Dino Bravo, prompting the entire New Dream Team (including Johnny V) to verbally bitchslap him.

Craig DeGeorge is in Kamala and Sika's lockerroom, and Mr Fuji accepts the CanAm Connection's challenge to a tag team match next week on Wrestling Challenge, saying that Sika will tear them limb from limb and that Kamala will eat the limbs. I look forward to writing next week's recap, when the CanAms will get theirs courtesy of Kamala!

Next week on WWF Wrestling Challenge...

CanAm Connection Vs Kamala/Sika
Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat in a non-IC Title Match
The King Harley Race
Nikolai Volkoff/The Iron Sheik

That's it for this week. For Gorilla Monsoon, Bobby Heenan, Craig DeGeorge and Mean Gene Okerlund, I'm Steveweiser, giving you a verbal beatdown worse than 10 million consecutive Air Kamalas AND a Westlife CD. Back to my usual time and day next week, as MONDAY IS STEVEWEISER!!! Peace! END OF SHOW.

STEVEWEISER
THE WRESTLE RANT BOARD
ILLER THAN KURT ANGLE AFTER DRINKING TEN PINTS OF MILK!!!