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Submitted by Jaymz on Thursday, July 19, 2001 at 7:18 PM EST
 Welcome back to another arousing edition of Dead Bodies Everywhere! To quote Good Ol’ J.R., "Invasion is just a few days away" and that means some predictions are in order. But first, we have to clear the air a bit on some things. All right, I don’t know about you, but I simply hate Scotty II Hotty. In my opinion, I would rather watch an X-pac match instead of a Scotty match. I don’t wish injuries upon anyone, but I do wish that Scotty wouldn’t have returned as fast as he did. To make things worse, he came back to a small push! I know Tajiri is still a new face in the WWF, but there is nothing he did to deserve to lost to Scotty II Hotty; especially when you factor in that he (Scotty) won the match with the absolute worst fucking move in professional wrestling history…the Worm! When Vanilla Ice died away, I thought that this stupid dance move did too. Besides Vanilla Ice, never in my life have I seen a worm this popular. What I don’t understand is WHY is it so damn popular? And just how in the fuck is it so , violent enough to put away a man who has already been suplexed off of the top rope, been hit with a chair in the head, and etc.? The man can take all of that, but can’t take a little chop to the chest. That’s just fucking stupid. I know others have complained about this too, but the point I’m trying to make is that Scotty II Hotty has no other talent than acting like a fucking white hip-hop homey on speed. I think someone should check out Hotty’s bag too. Like his partner, you’ll never know what’s behind that idiotic look he gets just before he executes the worm. As much as I hate Stone Cold, I have to admit that I’m gonna miss his Kumbaya-playing character. It isn’t going to be everyday that we will get to see this new Stone Cold hug somebody, expressing his feelings for someone else. Oh well, I find it equally stupid that Team WWF was getting their asses handed to them until SCSA shows up, wiping out line after line of ECWCW stars. I simply don’t see how one redneck can be so invincible. I’ve hung around a few rednecks, and I’ll admit, if you get a few beers into them they will believe that they are invincible…that is up until they decide to go "mudding" in their trucks and get stuck. Will Austin get "stuck" this weekend at Invasion? Only one way to find out…and that is to guesstimate and predict the winners of this Sunday’s PPV Extravaganza. Remember, I can see the future and so these aren’t really "predictions", because I’m telling you what WILL happen*. Referee's Match Nick Patrick vs. Earl Hebner - Sometimes I just want to kick Nick Patrick in the balls. Hebner is the man! I’m not going to waste my time on this piece of hog shit. We all know Hebner is the game. Basically, Hebner and his twin brother pull a Doink the Clown maneuver and switch places in the middle of the match up. Winner(s): Hebner(s) Tag Team Bra and Panties Match Lita and Trish Stratus vs. Stacy Keibler and Torrie Wilson - As it’s been said before, it doesn’t matter who wins this, all of US are winners with this one. Perverts Prevail! Light-Heavyweight Champion vs. Cruiserweight Champion X-Pac vs. Billy Kidman - I went to vomit quietly in the corner while these two "got it on". It’s a waste of card space, and seeing as how little Sean has been invincible lately. Sorry Kidman, you lose. Winner: X-Suck Tazz vs. Tajiri - This will be a good match. Finally Tazz gets to show us that he’s "tough enough". Winner: Tazz WWF Hardcore Championship Match Rob Van Dam vs. Jeff Hardy - Fortunately, Jeff Hardy will retain the title. Jeff will find a 30 foot ladder and drop a swanton on top of the whole fuckin‘ show, RVD. Winner: Jeff N. Hardy Edge and Christian vs. Mike Awesome and Lance Storm - This match will totally reek of coolosity. Team Canada will not beat the 7.…7.…7 time WWF Tag Team Champions. What’s the point of having Edge win the KOTR if you’re just going to stick him in tag team matches still? Sure, they win, but it’s still a waste of talent for Edge. Winner: Blondage Tag Team Champions vs. Tag Team Champions The Acolytes vs. Sean O'Haire and Chuck Palumbo - Acolytes will destroy the WCW Tag Team Champions. I don’t remember details because I was busy getting a drink. Winners: Acolytes Inaugural Brawl: WWF vs. WCW/ECW Stone Cold Steve Austin, Kurt Angle, The Undertaker, Kane and Chris Jericho vs. Booker T, DDP, The Dudley Boyz and Rhyno. - I’ve heard the rumors, but no one from Team WWF is switching teams…except for Austin. When I say "switching teams" I don’t mean that he will join ECWCW, he will hug every opponent he’s in the ring with. DDP actually likes it, but Rhyno tricks Austin into hugging but gores him instead. Austin is out. 1...2..oh, Angle saves his ass. Out of nowhere, Kimberly comes down and yells at DDP for stalking another woman. She is jealous, and slaps DDP around. He runs away, and goes to the back. DDP is out. The remaining teammates are left in a state of chaotic, confused, vulnerability. Angle sneaks in behind Rhyno, and pins him 1...2...3. However, Austin comes back to life and stuns everyone in the ring to allow his music to be played while the ppv ends. Winners: Team WWF And with that, I’m going to call it a column for this week. Until next time, drop me a line or whatever you have going on in that head of yours. Later on. *Results may vary {Links to personal side projects} Koltershock: Webcams, propaganda, sluts, videos and everything else your mom would hate. News Orgy: Sore "milk makers", Chinese butcher flips out and kills 4, The Daily Slapshot, and other headlines from around the world of odd news. Jaymz  
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