"Diggin graves, see, pays my rent for the day//Some hate the image that I
must portray//Critics say "Go to hell!" I say "Yeah!, stupid motherf*cker
I'm already there!"//Fru-sturated, mentally aggravated//to be the rebel that
society created//I'm good most times but at times I'm flagrant//Livin' in
the shadows like a government agent."-- Poetic/Grym Reaper, member of the
Gravediggaz, who lost his bout with colon cancer Sunday, July
15th...R.I.P.

The origin of the word BITCHCAKES: During one of the early seasons of the
television show "Newsradio," one of the most underrated and funniest shows
EVER, starring Phil Hartman, Andy Dick, Dave Foley, Maura Tierney, Vicky
Lewis, and Stephen Root, there was an episode in which Beth (Vicky Lewis),
the secretary, invents the word "bitchcakes." She tells people she wants
the word to catch on and uses it throughout the episode, saying people that
are overreacting are "going bitchcakes" and so on. The radio station's
owner, Jimmy James (Stephen Root) uses it once before the episode is over
and the word never appears on the show again. I caught the rerun of this
show on A&E (they show reruns of it twice a day) and thought it was
interesting....

Now that I've wasted my time typing up a coincidental backround to a word
that's been used twice on WWF programming, I'd like to begin my column.
Here's how this issue is broken down:

A--Rant of the Week
B--Invasion Predictions
C--The Wrestling Minute

RANT OF THE WEEK:

What exactly is the difference wrestling-wise between the new Stone Cold
and old Stone Cold? The only difference I can see is that he has a magic
fist or something. One fake punch to the face and ANY wrestler, regardless
of size or skill, falls to the ground immediately and lies prostrate for
hours. Haha...its all good though. The old SCSA had more exciting matches
with better stories, whereas the new SCSA had MUCH better backstage
segments. Really didn't matter to me which way the WWF went with Austin.
Fans went buckwild though...which was probably the point....OH HELL YEAH.

Hmm...The WWF pushes Rhyno and the Dudleyz as midcarders for a long while,
and now suddenly that they've changed factions they are a greater threat?
Ah well...they're hard workers, over as hell, and have better name
recognition than, say, RVD and Tommy Dreamer. Isn't it funny that the
"ECW/WCW" faction is only pushing the wrestlers got got furthest in the
WWF?

I'm not getting Invasion because I don't have a cable box...

Big Brother: Yes you do, you're just a cheap bastard who spends everything
on illegal porn.

But I digress, I wish I could get this pay per view. It has the potential
to be a great show. I'm not buying any shit about the main event "changing
the face of sports entertainment"--but the fact Shane keeps repeating could
lead to a surprise.

I've liked the Invasion angle from the start--its been getting increasingly
better but hasn't hitten its potential peak yet. When it was just WCW
invading, the Invasion was good. When ECW jumped in, it was great. What is
keeping this Invasion from being CLASSIC or MONUMENTAL, is that the stars
who made WCW respectable are missing in action. I'm talking about the
people who brought WCW on top. Of course, some stars (Hogan, Hall, Nash)
absolutely can NOT be included...but I think we'll all agree that for the
Invasion to really be something special we need to see GOLDBERG, RIC FLAIR,
SCOTT STEINER, AND STING appear at Invasion.

Crazy Internet Fan: golberg sux!!! he wuz spuunfedd hiz suckcess and did
knot wurk 4 it!!! u r a HOMOGAY!!

Anyway...let's talk about the X-pac/Billy Kidman match. With this match,
the WWF writers can FINALLY discover whether X-pac's heat is "heel heat" or
"suck heat." The experiment can be set up very easily...simply don't show
Pac or Kid on TV until the Invasion hits. Keep either one from mic work
before their ppv match. Let the two make their entrance and see who gets
booed. Austin, Angle, and Regal all had HUGE heel heat, but when they
started wrestling WCW wrestlers it turned into cheers. If X-pac is the only
WWF wrestler to get booed...well, then its Jakked or bust!

Ah, a Bra and Panties match. Gentlemen grab your Kleenexes....and if your
girly sees you stealing some tissue just remind her that you ARE watching a
soap opera.

One more thing before I end this mindless rant: The Invasion has got
casual fans talking about wrestling again. The funny backstage segments
combined with the WCW/ECW challenge puts more of a "water cooler" aspect to
the shows. OFF BEAT SHENANIGANS RULE!!

INVASION PREDICTIONS:

The WWF is like a stereotypical high school or college student: They live
in procrastination...which is why there will probably be more matches added
after you read this. It's a damn shame...last time I did great with my
predictions, with one miscall. I'm going to do much much worse this time.

Nick Patrick vs. Earl Hebner
Referee's Mach
Winner: Nick Patrick
--My reasoning behind this bold prediction is too complicated and lengthy to
post. Sorry.

Lita and Trish vs. Stacy and Torrie
Tag Team Bra & Panties Match
Winners: Lita and Trish
--Lita has a new video out/coming out, and I think the WWF wants us to get a
good gander at WCW's lovely objects/women. And let's face it...whoever
loses this match is REALLY considered the winner.

X-Pac vs. Billy Kidman
Light Heavyweight Champion vs. Cruiserweight Champion
Winner: X-pac
--Come on!! It's X-pac! X-pac on a pay per view! Who do you THINK is going
to win?!

Tazz vs. Tajiri
Winner: Tajiri
--I've read too many news posts talking about how "Vince is high on Tajiri"
and "Management is impressed with Tajiri." Plus, he's the underdog and
people aren't expecting him to beat the Human Suplex Machine.

Rob Van Dam vs. Jeff Hardy
WWF Hardcore Championship Match
Winner: Rob Van Dam
--The WWF Hardcore Title gets passed around like a joint, and who knows more
about joints than Mr. 420?

Edge&Christian vs. Mike Awesome&Lance Storm
Winers: Edge & Christian
--If I could be serious here for a minute...I pick Edge & Christian. I just
think Edge's King of the Ring push isn't over yet, assuming it began.

The Acolytes vs. Chuck Palumbo&Sean O'Hare
WWF Tag Team Champs vs. WCW Tag Team Champs
Winners: Palumbo/O'Hare
--I'm probably crazy with this pick, but hey...what better way to put over
the WCW Tag Champs?

Team WWF(Austin, Angle, Jericho, Taker, Kane) vs. Team WCW/ECW(Booker T,
DDP, The Dudleys, and Rhyno)
Winner: Team WCW/ECW(Booker T, DDP, The Dudleys, and Rhyno)
--It's just hard for me to picture this Invasion continuing with the WWF
winning...hopefully WCW can pull it off with a HUGE run-in from somebody
that attracts ratings like flies to Billy Gunn's
career.*cough*GoldbergStingFlair*cough*

THE WRESTLING MINUTE:
This is my version of David Spade's Hollywood Minute, except I mock
wrestling news.

--The bad news? The WWF plans to cut 25 to 30 wrestlers this Thursday. The
good news? The Big Show counts as 10.

--There was some serious talk to bring in Eric Bischoff to take part in the
main event at Invasion, which he refused. Meanwhile, there was some
serious talk to bring in Vince Russo to take part in custodial duties at
Invasion, which he readily accepted. He has been warned about putting
cameras in the women's room...

--Smackdown Records have signed some band called Neurotica to their label.
Neurotica?! That sounds like a vaginal medicine. But there is some good
news...Can you say "new music for Undertaker"?

Fred Durst: Because if you don't care, then I don't care!

You're right, Fred, I don't care.

--Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler met for over an hour recently. J.R. told Lawler
that they didn't have anything for him, unless you count THREE OPEN WWF
ANNOUNCING POSITIONS and TWO OPEN WCW ANNOUNCING POSITIONS. What a crock of
shit...

-- Hulk Hogan, if you're reading, assuming computers don't scare you with
their "blasted new technology", I offer a fail safe way to get ratings and
sell out arenas for your new federation. Name one wrestler "Thar Ock",
name another one "Goal Berg," and announce they're going to fight each other
several times on the radio.

Well, that's it for this week's edition. In case you got confused by the
verse I kicked off my column with and don't know who the Gravediggaz
are--they practically invented horror-core rap (i.e. violent shock value)
years ago, with songs like "1800SUICIDE" and "Diary of a Madman". A third
album is supposed to be released soon...Anyway, this isn't about music,
damnit. I like feedback and I try to respond to all email. I'm out like
Steve Urkel's 15 minutes of fame...One.

"I have a column and you don't, so suck on that."
--Chad Shadow
Chad's Link of the Week: http://www.reviewzxl.com