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Submitted by Jaymz on Friday, June 22, 2001 at 11:24 AM EST
 Welcome back to another edition of Dead Bodies Everywhere! I am your host, Jaymz. Before we start, I have some things to get off my chest here, if I may. In my year and a half stay at LordsofPain.net, I’ve had lots of feedback on my column. The majority of it has been "love mail", but yes, there are many, many hate mail letters too. I don’t take any of it personally, since this is just the Internet to me, but some people have no life and choose to e-mail me and bitch at me for "sucking" and not writing a "professional" column. I’ll be the very first to admit, I’m not the best wrestling columnist, but at the same time, I never claimed to be. As for writing a "professional" column, I may not be the most "P.C." column ever, but I think I’m obviously good at what I do. I don’t think I got to this point in time at LordsofPain.net by sucking as bad as some of you wish I did. As I’ve said before, I’m not holding a gun to your head forcing you to read it, and I doubt anyone is. If they are, let me know who they are so I can meet them. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: If you don’t like it, then just don’t click on the link. It’s that simple. If you don’t like what I do, that’s fine, it’s not for everyone. I love reading e-mail from you guys, but if you’re going to e-mail me and call me a rip-off or say "ur kolumm sux", don’t waste your time or energy. I’ve heard it all before in the past year and a half. Besides, chances are it was done a lot better than your feeble mind could ever dream of doing. Ok, now that Quiet Time is over, let’s move on, shall we? This Sunday is King of the Ring, and that means one thing for you and I…Pre-Pay-Per-View Predictions! It’s been a little while since I’ve done these, but what better time than now to revive a DBE Tradition? I’ll start out with the Tournament itself. Semi Final Match 1: Angle vs. Christian You think you know me? Christian (w/Edge) comes out totally reeking of awesomeness! J.R. proclaims that Christian is "pumped and ready for action..it’s a big step in his career for this young man." That’s when Mr. Bert Angle comes in. Will he repeat? No. Like Itchy and Scratchy, Angle and Christian will fight, and fight, but Edge will obviously be a deciding factor. Edge knows that if he meets Christian in the finals, it will reek of suckitude, but at the same time, would rather face him than Angle, since he knows Christian pretty well. After Angle hits the Olympic Slam, he will attempt his lovely moonsault. Uh oh, Edge pulls Christian out of harm’s way. Nobody home for Angle. Christian gets up, and begins his "assault" on Angle. Edge distracts the referee while Christian hits Angle with a chair, the ring bell, small babies, and other assorted items that can be found under the WWF ring. 1, 2, 3...winner! Winner: Christian Semi Final Match 2: Edge vs. Rhyno This should be an interesting match, to say the least. Who will Christian help now that he is in the Finals? He too knows that facing his brother in the finals would reek of suckitude, but at the same time, realizes that Rhyno is a crazy fucker. Christian would rather not deal with that, and just face his brother. Rhyno sets up Edge for the gore, but like a good brother, Christian pulls Edge out of the ring. Rhyno is "livid" as J.R. puts it. He goes to the outside to gore but instead hits the dude that is head of security for the WWF. Boy, is he pissed. He begins to beat the living hell out of Rhyno, and Rhyno is now counted out. Poor guy. Winner: Edge As the two men, Edge and Christian rest up for their phenomenal match up in the finals, we are treated to a street match between Angle and Shane Omack. But first, we get a Jeff Hardy vs. X-Suck match up for the light heavyweight championship. Light Heavyweight Championship: Jeff Hardy vs. X-Suck You be dealin’ wit da X Facta….yay, like we give a flying fuck. Albert and Aldo Montoya will accompany Mr. Pac to the ring, while Jeff brings Lita for support. Anyway, Jeff and Sean will put on an entertaining match for us. X-Pac will stick out his tongue and attempt a Bronco Buster, but will miss and get a crotch full of turnbuckle. Lita claps. Albert will get involved and distract the ref while Aldo and Pac beat Jeff down. Baldo bomb will be hit on poor Jeff Hardy. Lita disapproves. At this point in time, the referee has ignored the "RAAAAA" noise Albert made while executing the Baldo bomb and chooses now to turn around, right when Lita has climbed the turnbuckle ready for a Litacaneranna or however it’s spelled. Lita disapproves. Jeff has now fully recovered and will hit X with the jaw breaker which is "highly unorthodox" J.R. claims. Jeff climbs to the top rope, and hits a Swanton bomb! 1...2.…3. Lita claps. Winner: Jeff Hardy, retaining the title KOTR Final: Edge vs. Christian They come out, again reeking of awesomeness and just plain reeking of sweatitude from their previous matches. They decide to do a special 5 second pose entitled "KOTR Most Totally Awesome Cool Pose". This match is going to be great! Both of these men will give their all and even attempt a conchairto on each other, each hitting each other. The ref begins his count. There’s so much going on in this match, because then Rhyno comes out and takes the referee out. Christian hits the Impaler on Rhyno, and gets hit with an Impaler by Edge. It is now that the ref can get up and make the three count. Winner and KOTR 2k1: Edge Street Fight: Angle vs. Shane Shane’s been training for our Olympic hero ever since he took that hard Olympic slam a few weeks back. He didn’t come unprepared, and in the middle of their match, Shane lures Angle out to the parking lot and there is where the plot thickens. Outside, in the parking lot is a limo with a WCW license plate. Out comes a horde of WCW stars, and attack Angle and beat him "within an inch of his life" according to J.R. This sparks the WCW/WWF invasion angle that we’ll be treated to next month. They kidnap Angle and take him to a shop, where he will be probed like he’s never been probed before. When Angle returns on RAW, he will be furious and round the troops up to begin the angle. Winner: Shane WWF Championship Match: Austin vs. Benblah vs. Why too Jay Basically, Austin is going to get Jerichode’s ear caught in his braces and rip it off. Benblah finds this funny, until it happens to him. They both get Austin in their finishers. Austin has no choice, he doesn’t deserve this, his name is Stone Cold Steve Austin and he is tapping out. One problem, who is the new champion? Winners: Benoit and Jerichode. Who’s the champion? Tomorrow on RAW is when they will face each other and settle it once and for all. Thanks for reading as always. If you have anything on your mind, don’t hesitate, but like I said, if you’re going to complain about this column, don’t bother, although by saying that, I’m probably encouraging you to open your mail programs right now. Anyway, until next time, this is your old pal Jay signing off. {Links to personal side projects} Koltershock: The return of the video archives!! All 90+ videos are back! Koltersluts, and much more propaganda aimed at 16-25 year olds. News Orgy: Garza is now dead, Straka offers a way to rid ourselves of the hideous boy bands, and retards. What more could you ask for? Jaysus  
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