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Submitted by Jaymz on Thursday, November 29, 2001 at 10:58 PM EST
 Ah yes, it's that time again. Time for another arousing edition of Dead Bodies Everywhere! Guess what? It's been two years since I started writing for LordsofPain. I was third hired on the now closed Phat Pharm, and third to be pulled on to the main page. This calls for a celebration! Who wants to kiss my ass? Anyone? What about you? At first I thought the Regal skit was pretty amusing. Of course, I also thought it was just a one time thing. It was tasteless, sure, but anyone who knows me knows that I enjoy tasteless humor. But looking back at the skit with J.R. was painful. Not only because of the lame Undertaker turn, but because we had to see Vince's ass, or false ass, whatever. I've seen a lot of weird and nasty shit before, but that was one of the nastier things. Although I do have to admit that I liked his little dance. Yippie-ka-yay! Anyway, I'll agree with the WWF locker room and say that the kiss ass thing has got to end. Did somebody forget that children were in attendance? Although I don't cater to children, but I wouldn't want my kid being exposed to an ass. I don't care that it was a Billion-Dollar Ass. I think it was pretty shitty that J.R.'s family was there and had to witness daddy's cheek being pressed against a grown man's ass. "Mommy, mommy!! Daddy's cheek just rubbed against that dirty man's ass!!" That would make some pretty good conversations. "Remember the time you kiss that man's ass daddy??" Hey, I think that there is a secret member in the Vince McMahon Ass Kisser club. King is back! He either kissed some heavy ass, or gave some vicious head to Vinny Mac. How's it feel to have a real job again, King? Smooches! Come to think of it, Vince's dance was hilarious. It reminded me of the "Gay Cowboy Dance" that my pal Eric does at parties. Moving on to my favorite subject: Smut! Ever since Torrie Wilson and Stacey Kiebler have stepped ass into the WWF, I've completely forgotten about the other "Divas" in the WWF. (Except for Lita, Trish and Jackie...oh, shit....scratch the last one). I know many don't enjoy the made-for-TV smut matches, but I do. The only complaint that I have is that they air right after a good match, especially in the PPV's! Wow, Jeff Hardy fell right through a table...but who cares? We've got a women's title match! (Sarcasm). It completely ruins the hotness (thanks Faith E. Poo), and kills the crowd. Although I enjoy smut a little more than the next guy, I wish the WWF would find a better spot to place it. Like....after a Big Show match, that would be a perfect way to get the crowd going again. Although I'm not terribly experienced in reviewing things, I'm going to give it a shot. I'll call it something snazzy like... the 2 Minute Review....very snazzy. As usual, I bought this game on a whim. Being the mark that I am, I went to Best Buy and had to get a copy from the back since they hadn't even put it on the shelves yet. It was at least 4 days old already. Anyway, I've played 85% of the game now, so I feel qualified to put my three cents in. Although, I don't claim to be a gamer since I only started playing games again. The Good The entrances are pretty fucking cool. Except for Fred Durst's, who's character is just about as big a chode as the real deal Fred Durst. Although Jason is right when he says that there is a good feeling in putting Freddy-boy through a table. The music is great. I love the fact that Disturbed's version of Stone Cold's theme is included. I read that the WWF shelled out a bit more money for the license rights. Very good move, I think. The CAW is good, but it takes a lot of time to get anything looking decent. When I say "a lot", I mean afuckinglot. There's so many options that it makes it complicated. Like, nose length, chin length and shape, arm thickness and definition. Uh, I just want to create a badass and get on with it. My current CAW is RVD, who's looking pretty sweet. The gameplay is fun, but turn off the KO feature, or you'll knock out your opponent with the second Special move. But like sex, it's more fun with more players are involved. The Lame Having Fred Durst in the game as a secret character. The Story Mode. You win a title, and that's the end of your story. If you continue with your champion, you just defend the title. That's it. Having Fred Durst in the game as a secret character. Ooops. The commentary. Why, oh why does Michael Cole say "He really is a nice person"? Both sides are lame. Although I do find it funny when Tazz mentions how (Insert Name Here) "Isn't good enough to be champion." I first heard that line when I was wrestling Test. That’ll do her for this week. Thanks for reading as always and feel free to drop me a line if you want. Also, don’t forget to check out The Coalitions (Wrestling parody and Video Games) which are your source for backdoor videos. Until next time, see ya. Koltershock: An eye-opening and mind fucking experience for all over 18. Jaymz
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