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Submitted by Impact PIayer on Monday, November 26, 2001 at 1:36 PM EST
Ladies and gentalmen, boys and girls, children of all ages, come one and come all to the greatest show to ever enter your living rooms (if not, work with me here), via a computer screen. I am your humble host, "Impact PIayer", for this fun romp through both the serious side of wrestling and the comedic side. The first thing you'll have to learn out me, is that I have quite an interesting sense of humor. My friends have an interesting sense of humor as well, and sometimes I'll have one do a little "guest section" in the column here, if only to add more humor to the column, or even to get those up and commers like I used to be out in the open a little more. Ok, now with that little introduction all over with, lets get to the task at hand, and explain just what you'll be seeing here in my column. HEEL PROFILEIn this section you'll usually see a little run down of a certain heel persona, or a wrestler who I personally think would do better as a heel and why, of course. I've done a few such as Raven, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, The Rock, and Triple H down in the columns section of the LoP Message Boards, where I originated from (Fun Fact: This is actually my 11th column). Today I'm going to talk about somebody that has been getting alot of heat on the message boards as of late and of course, I'm talking about none other than "the Human Suplex Machine" Taz(z). "Beat me if you can, Survive if I let you". It was a slogan that Taz lived by back in the days of ECW (Extreme Championship Wrestling). He was called the suplex machine for a reason, he was a guy who had little to know technical skill, and couldn't chain wrestle persay, however he held in his mind a knowledge over over thirty different suplex variations. Dragon Tazplex. Cradle Tazplex. Hard Way Tazplex. Half Nelson Tazplex. Head and Arm Tazplex. Tazmission-Plex. You name it, Taz could do it. He even seemed to debut on the right foot in the WWF, via unleashing an ECW-like fury on Olympic Gold Medalist, Kurt Angle. This would end in a somewhat credibility killing storyline where the now named Tazzmission was outlawed because it was a choke and not a sleeper. It's kinda funny how they could care less now, but then again he hardly ever wins with it, so why bother punishing him for using it. So what happened to Taz(z) following his depature from ECW to the WWF, to turn him into the fat, out of shape, depushed sloth he is today? Well, you may have remembered hearing about plans for a Chris Benoit versus Tazz feud that was in the works, however right before it got kicked off, a botch on the part of Perry Saturn, I believe during a Hardcore clusterfuck injured Tazz and turned him into an armchair commando. When Tazz returned he had simply lost his edge, and in the words of many of the boards, he became the new "Brooklyn Brawler". This change is because Tazz made little to no effort to stay in shape while he was injured, and when he made his return he had lost the speed he once had. Watch him in the ring when he has a match, it's almost painful to watch when he does his clothesline. LoP's own OptimusSchwab said it best when he said "Take the mans suplexes away, and what do you have?". With Tazz being out of shape, those Tazzplexes are all but out of the question, considering almost every opponent he was put in the ring against is bigger than him. It's a shame, since this is a guy that used to be able to lift Bam Bam Bigelow for his Tazplexes. However, Taz does not really make an effort to fix the problem. Why? Because he's a commentator now, and is on television and exposed more than any other superstar in the promotion. In Tazz's eyes, he is receiving a mega push. Vince and Co. could always send him down to HWA or OVW to get in shape, and rekindle his skills, but they never do, because I guess most of the writers see him as worthless anyways (For the record, I'm a Taz fan). The only person that can save Tazz right now is Tazz himself. If he doesn't start working out again, then his lazy mood is gonna change it's way to the unemployment line. "Lose to him if you can, Job if he lets you!" Heel Rating: F SmackDown: Just Bring It! Review For those of you who don't know, SmackDown: Just Bring It!, is the new wrestling game for the Sony Playstation 2 game console. These review sections are going to pop up every once in a while when I get a new book, a new DVD, or a new game. I'll try to keep it in the wrestling mood, but sometimes I do travel elsewhere (like the Metal Gear Solid 2 review in the last column). Now, I made sure to unlock every one of the "SmackDown" cards before writing this, so I could give you a better look at the game, than normal reviews, and tell you exactially what your going to get into by purchasing this game. Be forwarned, this review may contain spoilers about who the hidden wrestlers and such are, read this section at your own risk. First I'm going to tell you about the Story Mode, since this seems to be a make or break feature for many wrestling games. If you expect a perfect season mode, then you are going to be very dissapointed. However if your fairly open to No Mercy's season mode, then you will most likely have alot of fun with this. Each Story runs on a set of about four or five matches, or possibly more depending on if you lose a match or two along the way. If you select a guy or gal who is already a champion, then you will simply receive one title defense match, and then it's back to the selection screen. For those of you who hated the long seasons, then you'll enjoy this. It's also good if you just want to do one quick match, unlock something for it, and then go about with your day (It took me around 29 title defenses with Triple H to unlock everything, and some things you could only unlock out of title defenses). Now I'll get to the move animations and enterance animations part of the review. The animations in this game are simply beautiful, and look like they are being done in real life as you play. During enterances each person does their signature motions, even if it's something so little that you hardly notice (like Chris Benoit's little "arm twitch"). LoP's own Die will be happy to know that Jeff Hardy's "Torretts Syndrome Dance" is in full effect in this game. However, even with all of the great move animations, Jerry Lynn fans will be somewhat pissed to find that once unlocked, Jerry does not have his Cradle Piledriver. Sure, with the Edit-A-Wrestler feature in the Create-A-Wrestler mode, you could just switch one of his two Tornado DDT specials for it, however the Cradle Piledriver is nowhere to be found in the game. However when you see the move animations for the TWO, count 'em, TWO variations of the Emerald Erosion, and the new and totally life-like animation for the Vertebreaker, you completely forget about Lynn (also missing from the CAW, was Justin Credible's Corkscrew Tombstone Piledriver). Japanese wrestling fans, and WCW/ECW fans will be pleased to hear that there is over 20 Unknown move sets to be unlocked, as well as the move animations for such moves as the Split Legged Moonsault, the aformentioned Vertebreaker, the Top Rope Tiger Driver, the Shining Wizard, and even a Jinsei Shinzaki rope walk where he trips and lands on his nuts over the top rope. Perfect for those Shawn Stasiak CAWs (They also contain an enterance where the guy trips and rolls down the rampway, and then falls off the apron when attempting to enter the ring). If you look hard enough, you'll even be able to unlock Limp Bizkit frontman, Fred Durst for some wrestling action. At first you'll be slightly peeved he's in the game instead of somebody that really wrestles. But one look at his enterance will send you into a fit of hysterical laughter that will leave you glad he's in the game. He's also incredible fun to beat on. Other hidden wrestlers include the aformentioned Jerry Lynn, Mick Foley, Rhyno, Tajiri, Spike Dudley, Shane McMahon, and Stephanie McMahon Helmsley. Other modes such as 6 Man Elimination matches, and even 8 Man Elimination Matches make this game incredible fun to play. Weapons are also a bit more leatal, and a lot more interactive. You can now stack tables, and unfold them and such. You can also fold and unfold Steel Chairs, and even sit in them and have a staring contest with your opponent, if you really want (for some low class humor, get two chairs and a table during a TLC match, and have you and your opponent sit on opposite ends of the table, and pretend to play poker). The commentary detracts from the game, but not all that much since it's shut off with a flick of an option switch. I think that if your a fan of wrestling then this game belongs in your collection. If all you care about is the Story Mode, then perhaps you'd be better off waiting for Legends Of Wrestling, and risk another Acclaim engine. Game Report: B+ And now, I present my CAW of Lance Storm to you humble readers and game players alike. Keep in mind that I have everything unlocked, including the extra CAW stat points card, so you might not be able to finish this CAW untill certain things are unlocked (unless you improvise). Appearance Body Parts (Figure/Head: 002/Eyes: 004/Nose: 002/Jaw: 001) Eyebrow: 007 Eye: 008 (96/0/-88/-85/-25) Cheeks: 014 Mouth: 004 Skin: 004 (Body Type: 004) Hair: 050 (48/0/0/52/-61) Front Hair: 001 Back Hair: 001 Underwear: 001 Tights: 069 (96/0/98/0/0) Kneepad: 016 (48/0/0/-127/42) Boots: 040-Type: 001 (30/0/0/0/35) Lowerbody Accessories: 006 (96/0/0/40/0) Right Elbowpad: 005 (48/0/0/-64/-51) Both Hands: 009 (96/0/0/0/0) Skin Colors Skin Color: 2 Objects Weapons: Steel Folding Chair Profile Name: Lance Storm Biography Gender: Man Classification: Heavyweight Nick Name: Superstar (they used to call him the Canadian Superstar) Personality Technical Attack + Technical Defense + Speedy Defense + Ability Powerful: Level 2/Attack 2/Defense 2 Speedy: Level 3/Attack 3/Defense 3 Technical: Level 4/Attack 4/Defense 3 Rough Neck: Level 3/Attack 3/Defense 3 Moves Unknown 05 ELS Logic Attack Ground Dissecting SmackDown! In this section of the column, I'll be looking at the WWF SmackDown! shows, and giving my thoughts on the various happenings. I'm going to be adding to this as I watch SmackDown (I usually write these sections during the shows, so I have optimial memory and thought process reguarding the shows). So sit tight rasslin' fans and lets dissect the World Wrestling Fedaration. I choose to only recap SmackDown, because I'm gonna be sending in my columns earlier in the day, and won't have the chance to do a recap of RAW. Too many people do RAW recaps anyways. I'll also be dissecting Pay-Per-Views instead of SmackDown! on some weeks. -We start off with "The Nature Boy" himself, Ric Flair making his way to ringside. Flair looks ALOT older than he did in the last time I saw him, but I guess all that sitting on his keister and not traveling will do that to you. Did Ric develop lisp when I wasn't looking or something? Flair gets the duty of announcing the Main Event for the upcomming pay-per-view event "Vengance". He even tosses in a "Woo" for us, before Vince decides that he wants in on this 20 Minute promo. Vince comes up with a better idea of a variation of the King Of The Ring tournement featuring Kurt Angle versus Stone Cold, and Chris Jericho versus The Rock, with the two winners fighting later on in the night to unify the two World Championship Belts. I think this is an excellent event, because it's somewhat hard to predict. I mean it could end up as Kurt versus Jericho. Then we get into a Vince tirade against Ric, questioning his loyalties and such, I think we may see a McMahon/Flair match as Vengance, and you never know..it might actually be fun to watch. Ric also goes nuts in mid interview here, and the look on Vince's face seems to say "Just how much viagra does this man take before every interview". They were five minutes short of making it to the 20 minute mark, but better luck on RAW I suppose. -Woah..do my eyes deceive me? A WWF Women's Champion, receiving television time, and we get a match (well, sort of)? Trish actually isn't that bad on the microphone, but then again she does have a "succubus" like gimmick, and I'm a guy, so I guess it works in that kind of way. I guess that the new direction of the WWF, is to go back to the days of when they used to screw with the Parent Teacher Council. I'm all for it, but lets hope we don't get another Sable/Chyna or The Kat out of this. I'd hate to see either Trish or Stacy off of my television for good. -Our first matchup features Test against Scotty Too Hotty. If this isn't a miss match, then I don't know what is. why in the hell is Scotty wearing the Repo Man's old jacket? Interestingly enough, Albert didn't come out with Scotty, even thought they are now some sort of wack job tag team. Test seems to be improving in the ring night after night, yet he makes no attempt to get better at his microphone work, it's a true shame. Scotty isn't a bad wrestler either, but the Worm makes him look like a total jackass. Test wins with a kick to the gut that Michael Cole mistakes for a kick to the face, maybe the commentary for SmackDown 3 isn't that bad after all. -We see the debut of Paisley in the WWF, as an interviewer talking to Tazz about why he rejoined the World Wrestling Fedaration. Funaki comes over and laughs at Tazz about losing to Regal, cuing Big Show to save the day. I think it's funny that Funaki and Tazz are basically the same size, yet Big Show wanted him to pick on somebody his own side. Tazz calls Show little, and suddenly we have a match set for later. That match will last a minute tops. -We're treated to a new "Desire" commercial, that uses Edge as the focal point. This one is more of a "learn about Adam Copeland" type of deal, and in my opinion it was done very well, even if the song is starting to get a little old. Strait off of that we see Kurt Angle and Vince McMahon sharing "a moment" backstage. Kurt talks about how everybody should be thankful for him and everything that he did. Kurt moves in for a hug, but Vince doesn't go for it, and Kurt tries to change the subject. I hope they don't start the huggies storyline again. Christian shows up to beg for his "job" back, but UnderTaker invades and runs him off. UnderTaker bitches and complains about how he didn't know about Kurt's "double cross". We get a Taker versus Kurt match made, and afterwards Taker tries to show us that he's pretty fly for a white guy. -Well, with the 1 minute meter on the clock, we come back to the match between Tazz and The Big Show. Tazz comes out looking like his usual bad ass Uumpa Loompa self, ready for another quick job. Tazz's next action figure should have "quick light counting action". Tazz gets the Tazzmission on, and actually keeps it on for an extended period of time. However, Big Show falls on him for the easy pin. Well, look at the bright side, he actually got in a move this time. -Christian is shown backstage, still trying to suck up to McMahon. Kurt comes into the room and says that he's gonna beat up 'Taker. William comes in, and Christian runs out of the room once again, like a UPS guy. Regal gives Vince a look like he just farted, and then goes off to do his errand. Since I didn't read the spoilers this week, I can only imagine that Regal is sent to do something that will hurt his career even more than it already is. -The fine tradition of doing the main event at the end of the first hour continues as we see Kurt Angle come down to the ring to face off against The UnderTaker. The have this enterance in SmackDown 3, thats basically the UnderTaker's enterance, except the motorcycle stalls. I always crack up when I picture that happening to the UnderTaker, and him getting embarassed in front of everybody in the arena, that'd be great. Taker's No Selling powers gained a level tonight, after a whole series of moves on Kurt's behalf that Taker simply shrugged off, and then killed Kurt with one boot to the face. UnderTaker did, for the record start to sell later on in the match, well for a little while. Vince runs down to save his buddy Kurt, and then Taker sees and well, everything wasn't sunny side up in redneck town. Somehow, the match ends and Taker leaves to his music, I'm guessing this match was labeled a no contest by ruling of no respect for UnderTaker. -Regal's music does not fit him at all, in my opinion. Regal tells us that it was an honor to kiss Vince's pasty white ass. He tells us that he is far supperior in the art of kissing an ass. Well, I'm not going to argue with him. Regal calls out Steve Austin, for what is more than likely going to be a total squash fight, with Austin beating the hell out of Regal. Austin continues to interupt Regal with a hearty round of "What?!". Austin covers his nose with a hanky and mocks Regal for the ass kiss, and then snaps with another round of "WHAT?!". This was basically a complete mocking of Regal and what he did on Monday. Regal then goes nuts and goes off on one of his tirades before Austin stunners him, and then using his MAGIC FIST OF DOOM! he beats off all of the former alliance members, before the numbers get to great. Well, not all of the Alliance members, just Test, The Dudley Boyz, Christian, and Regal. Is it just me, or does Regal seem to get a nose bleed from every finishing move? I think it'd be hilarious for him to get a nose bleed from Chyna's low blow. -Suddenly the Fedaration Defectors are shown teaming with Vince, and Christian gets a reward for his good work, with a championship match against his brother Edge. Immediatly after that little diddy, we go right into the "Gravy Bowl Invitational" betwen Stacy Keibler and Trish Stratus, where they wrestle inside a big bowl of gravy. This is also apparently a WWF Women's Championship match, way to give the belt credibility WWF. This is basically a food fight, and like most of the matches of the type, they're retarded, but I'll watch em anyways because I'm a guy. They somehow botch a slingshot, but considering the type of match, I'm not even gonna ask about it. Stacy ends up submitting after being locked into a Steiner Recleiner. I kind of miss Heyman on the commentary during matches like this, Lawler is just too screechy for my tastes, but I'll live. -We have a little arguement between Matt and Jeff Hardy over his little "couldn't resist" the Swanton storyline. I think this is a really LAME storyline, but it even gets worse as we have a white trash bickering contest between Lita and Matt. Getting away from that, hideous backstage segment, we see Jericho stepping out of Mr.McMahon's locker room with a big smile on his face. Maybe Vince is giving him back Ralphus..one can only hope. -We start to see Christian's enterance for the Christian versus Edge match, but then this computer turkey walks onto the screen only to be walloped by a chair. This causes me to lose my entire train of thought, as I ponder...WHY? Is it some kind of strange way to "stick it" to the World Wildlife Foundation? Will we see a different animal get attacked every week? If so, then I want to nominate the Giraffe for RAW, I've always hated that thing. With it's long neck, and goofy little knobs on his head. This was a pretty good match, with lots of false finishing moves, where each man attempted the others finisher. I might be the only guy out there, but I've always liked Christian more than I did Edge. The match is partially ruined by the fact that Test Fee-Fii-Foo-Fumb's his way to the ring and helps Christian take out Edge. -In a match that I apparently forgot was booked, we have Rob Van Dam and The Rock taking on The Dudley Boys for the WWF World Tag Team Championship Titles. Vince comes out and makes it a Handicapped match, with Chris Jericho joining The Dudleyz. Damn my dreams of the return of Ralphus are all up in smoke now. Surprisingly, this Main Event has a little over ten minutes to develop, thats something you don't see very often on the WWF Television shows. I think they are going to have RVD feud with the Dudley Boyz soon, possibly for the Hardcore Title. It would be interesting to see a Bubba/D-Von/RVD three way dance for the Hardcore Title. Specifically when it turned into a D-Von versus Bubba fight. Jericho pulls off the win with The Rock Bottom of all moves, after a sneaky low blow. Jericho's new tights kick major ass, just thought I'd mention that. That's the show, and over all I said it was pretty good but also somewhat dissapointing at the same time.. Show Report: C The Warrior Chronicles Now this section might take some explaining. This is more or less a type of wacked out tribute to Jim Helwig, otherwise known as The Ultimate Warrior. Each week we take the WARRIOR (in all capital letters, to give it meaning, of course) to a different place, and with a different situation. For this week, I'm going to be re-posting the one that got the best response, just as a way to introduce this section to those many who don't read the columns on the message boards. I'm going to start working in actual storylines, with a solid villian along the way..and any feedback with suggestions and such are always appreciated. For now, enjoy Warrior: The Early Years, a situation that was suggested by LoP's own The Cerebral Assassin author of "That Damn Good", most likely the next column you'll see up here, and my "Thin Mint Connection" tag team partner. [In the early days, the WARRIOR was known as Jim Helwig. He was your normal five year old child untill one day when his dad came home from a rousing night of drinking. Our story begins in the old country..where Father Helwig has just barged into the room with booze on his breath, drinking up a storm] Jim Helwig: Evening father..may I take your hat? Father Helwig: Get the fuck away from me you *hic* whore! Jim Helwig: Dear god father, what terrible language.. Father Helwig: OFF WITH YE! [Suddenly Father Helwig took a wild swing, knocking Jimmy sliding across the floor, and unfortunatly for him, his finger somehow got jammed in a light socket, zapping him full of energy, and darkening part of his flesh. From that day forwards, Jim began to work out for 24 hours a day, untill he came to america, and went to an american high school. There was this girl that liked him, named Linda] Linda: Hey Jimmy, how are you? Jim Helwig: WHAT DOTH YOU COME TO ME TO DECLARE VIXEN! FOR THE POWERS OF THE ALMIGHTY, ZZZPT! SAVE 50 PERCENT ON ALL COLLECT CALLS, UNQUOTE! Linda: Are you feeling allright Jim? Jim Helwig: THERE IS NO JIM ANYMORE! FOR ONLY THOSE WITH THE POWER TO COMPREHEND THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST SUCH AS I COULD BECOME A...WARRIOR!! Linda: ...are you allright? Your scaring me.. [Suddeny Jim, now offically changing his name to WARRIOR, had dashed over at Linda, slamming an arm into her chest and dropping her down with clothesline. Next came the big standing splash, and Warrior started to hook her leg..but then he was arrested for attempted rape. In jail he did his schooling, but eventually he had to go back into the real world, and tried to get a job at a well known business] Clerk: Welcome to McDonald's..Can I take your order? WARRIOR: I REQUIRE AN AUDIANCE WITH THE ALMIGHTY HAMBURGLER SO I MAY SHOW HIM WHY I AM...ULTIMATE! Clerk: One happy meal. What kind of soda would you like with that sir? WARRIOR: BLASPHEMY! HOW DARE YOU DEFY THE WARRIOR HIS AUDIANCE! MUST I SUMMON THE POWERS OF ALL THE LITTLE WARRIORS TO ENGULF THIS PLACE IN ENTERNAL DEMIONCRACY! THE SPRITE OF MY LOINS TELLS ME THAT I MUST BREAK THROUGH WITH FORCE! Clerk: ...Ok, thats a hamberger extra value meal, with sprite for the soda. Anything else? WARRIOR: THE WARRIOR SEES THAT SMILES ARE FREE! THE WARRIOR IS GOING TO TAKE YOUR SMILE AND TWIST IT AND TURN IT INTO THE CREATIONS OF ATLANTIS! THE WARRIOR REQUESTS A PLACE TO TRAIN AND HE REQUIRES YOUR ASSISTANCE LITTLE WARRIOR! Clerk: ..Oh wait? You want a job? Come with me.. [So the Clerk took the WARRIOR to see the RONALD MCDONALD, who was sitting in the back playing poker with Grimace and one of the Fry Kids] Clerk: This man wants a job Mr.McDonald Ronald McDonald: Is that so...? WARRIOR: IT IS SO! I WILL CRUSH YOUR BONES WITH THE POWER OF THE MOUNTAIN! Ronald McDonald: ...Why do all the retarded people want to work here? WARRIOR: I AM NOT THE ONE WHO IS RETARDED, I AM THE ONE WHO IS ULTIMATE!! I WILL SHOW YOU HOW THE POWERS OF THE DARK GENIE COURSE THROUGH MY VEINS DARK CLOWN! Grimace: Well this is some pretty fucked up shit right here.. Ronald McDonald: Well..I'll give you a shot. I want you to take drive through duty [So for the next two hours, he had been working at McDonalds..when we got a visit from a special somebody at that particular McDonalds] ?????: Hello? WARRIOR: WELCOME TO MCDONALDS! PREPARE TO FIGHT THE DEMONS THAT YOU HAVE ONLY FAILED TO POSESS IN THE DARK CHESS MATCH OF BABYLON! ??????: Yeah..can I get a number 3? No Onions? WARRIOR: DRIVE UP TO THE WINDOW, WITH 4 DOLLARS...IF YOU DARE!!!! [It just so happened that this visiter was Vince McMahon Seinor..who drove up to get his food and at the sight of the WARRIOR he kinda flipped out] Vince McMahon: Dear god man! Your a horse! WARRIOR: DO YOU CHALLENGE THE WARRIOR PUNY BRETHREN? I WILL TOSS YOU TO THE ROPES AND BREAK YOUR BACK WITH AN ULTIMATE CHAIR SHOT!! Vince McMahon: How would you like to wrestle for one of my farm promotions as "The Dingo Warrior?" WARRIOR: THE WARRIOR FEELS THE CALLS OF THE LITTLE WARRIORS TELLING HIM TO ENLIST THE POWER OF THE DINGOS! I WILL ACCEPT YOUR REQUEST!! [And it was like a match made in heaven. Warrior climbed out of the drive through window, not even bothering to quit his job, and drove off with Mr.McMahon, thus creating the legacy of...THE WARRIOR] Closing Time I think this section pretty much speaks for itself, but if not. This is the part where I basically give a "send off" to my readers, and give my off-topic thoughts. For example, I hope everybody enjoyed their Thanksgiving, and I bet everybody is excited about the upcomming X-mas season, I know I am. For those of you who don't know it yet, and would like to IM me about something in the column, or your just interested in some of my other SD3 CAW's (There is a custom movelist and taunt that goes with that Lance), you can all contact me on the AIM SN People Upset Me. The SN is usually always on because I have a cable modem, but I might not be in the room, so if I don't hear the little buzzer noise, then don't worry I'll see it eventually and get back to you. Untill next time, now that's how you make an IMPACT.. Impact PIayer JustinSaneX@aol.com
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