It seems that every time the WWF writers are in a jam, they decide to just senslessly turn someone heel.
"Things are going slow for so-and-so," says one writer. "Shall we push him or give him some direction?" He asks. "Nah!" replies another. "Heel turn!"
I decided to take this approach to writing a column. I sat down and didn't have any ideas, and I don't have much to say, so I'll just turn my back on my readers! I'm a sick bastard, according to JR. I'm colder than the other side of the pillow. I break all the rules, and show no remorse. My woman is a Jessebell and I'm obsessed with holding titles. But what type of heel should I be?
I could take the cheap heat rout, and dog your favorite sports teams. Hey! Your NFL team stinks! They are all losers! Nice game on Sunday, Mr. Interception! What? I said your hockey goalie is a siv! *prances around* Wooooooooooo!
Or I could just mispronounce your town, that is always sure to get heat. Stereotypical comments always seem to work, especially in Canda, eh?
No, I've got it. I want negative heat! I am predicting the next WWF Champion to be... X-Pac! I bet typo's would work to get me over too: Albert rooooooolz!! u suk! xpack iz good n so iz stephs voice! w00t!
No, no, no, no, no. I want to take an Austin direction, you know, the paranoid persona. What? Look at you, you're pathetic! *tears off someones shirt to set example* I am Shane Defy, LOP columnist, and I don't deserve this! What? What? What? *Repeats over and over, forever*
Oh yeah, you are no good. I'm quicker than the rest, I'm simply the best. Your hero is scum, I'm gonna whallup his bum. You people are trash, your hero's career I will slash! *hops around the ring, and when hero comes out, runs away like a sissy boy*
Nevermind all that, I've found my great character. Why? Because I am the game-ah! *spits water all over* All you people-ah... suck-ah! In this very ring-ah... *beats the hell out of everyone in sight with a sledgehammer* Damn, I'm one wicked cerebral assassin.
That's right, slapnuts, I'm the greatest columnist of alllllllllll time! You know I'm the one with all the stroke around here. I write better than everyone! ROAR! I don't deserve your hate mail! Why do you love everyone else, you hicks!? You know I'm the best! You know I'm the coolest! You know Canada is better! You people have no respect! I'm the GREATEST! *puts hot woman through a table, beats hero with chair, yells at crowd, and then tears up some childs' autograph book*
Whew! Damn, I'm just not cutting it as a heel. You just don't hate me enough (Or maybe you do, for this weird column). I guess I'll just win over the fans by putting on great matches and being a great human being.
