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Submitted by Calvin Martin on Thursday, September 27, 2001 at 7:09 PM EST
Normally I do not post guest columns but after reading this little gem on the LOP message boards this was something I could not pass up to offer the LOP readers who do not frequent the forums. Please click the link at the bottom to leave the author feedback... The Calloway Garage Sale By Tommy Rock It’s a Saturday morning at the Calloway residence. Sara is moving stuff from the garage to the front lawn while Mark is sleeping in bed. Sara goes to the bedroom. Sara: Markie, get up! Today’s the garage sale and you promised you would help. Undertaker: It’s not Mark it’s the Undertaker. How many times do I have to tell you that I’m the Undertaker? Sara: Fine! Undertaker, are you going to help me with the garage sale today? Undertaker: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I’ll be out in a bit. Sara: Ok, thank you Mark. ***Gives him a hug*** Undertaker (whining): I said it’s the Undertaker. Undertaker limps out of bed, gets changed and heads out to the front lawn. He rummages through some of the stuff on the sale table. Undertaker: Hey! This is all of my stuff! This is some of the items I had when I first broke into the wrestling business. You can’t sell this. Sara: C’mon. Three urns! What the hell are we doing with three urns in our garage? The neighbors already think we’re weird, we don’t need to give them any more excuses. Undertaker: And what about this video, we can’t get rid of it. Sara: Why not? Undertaker: I need it! Sara: I don’t think you need "How To Sell Moves Like A Wrestler." You have never even watched the tape. The plastic is still on it. Undertaker: Fine, but my "Goonies" tape I’m keeping, I love Sloth. Sara: Listen, we have customers, be nice. A couple walks up to the sale table and looks through the items. He seems interested in some music CDs. Man: Hey, how much for all of these CDs. Undertaker: I’m the Undertaker and I’m not selling anything. Man: But this is a garage sale? Undertaker: See this front lawn. This is my yard. And you want to come into my yard and expect me to sell something to you? Man: Honey, let’s leave. Undertaker: That’s right, go on. I’m the Undertaker and I’m not selling anything. Bryan Adams and Brian Clarke arrive at the Undertaker’s house and look through the sale items. Undertaker: Hey boys! What’s gone on? Adams: Nothing much man. Clarke: Hey Adams, check out this video. We should get this so we can get real jobs! Adams: Yeah, good idea. Hey Mark, how much for the "How To Sell Moves Like A Wrestler" video? Undertaker: It’s the Undertaker and I’m not selling anything. Adams: Whoa, calm down. Don’t be pissed at us because you’re the only main eventer that hasn’t won the World Title more than 4 times. Undertaker: Get out of my yard now! Adams and Clarke leave the Calloway house rather pissed. A young boy walks up and looks through the wrestling memorabilia. Boy: How much for... Undertaker: Get out of my yard! I’m not selling anything. The boy runs away crying as Sara is heard screaming at the Undertaker. Kane then pulls up and approaches the Undertaker and Sara. Undertaker: Hey Kane! Kane: Call me Glen. Undertaker: Glen! That sounds like the name of my goddamn dentist. You’re Kane, my little bro. Kane: Mark, that’s in the WWF. When we’re out of the locker room, call me Glen. Undertaker: Then why are you still wearing your Kane mask? Kane: Uhh. For other reasons. Kane becomes extraordinarily quiet and tries to hide behind the Undertaker. Steve Austin and Debra pull up. Austin: Hey Taker! I heard you’re having a garage sale. What? I said I heard you were trying to sell some stuff. Debra: Mark doesn’t sell anything. Kane and Sara both snicker. Austin: Well, if you don’t mind I would like to buy something. What? Didn’t you hear me? I said I wanna make a purchase. Undertaker: I’ll sell to you Austin. Anything you want, I’ll sell to you. Sara: Honey, what has gotten into you? You have chased customers away all day and now Austin shows up and you want to sell to him? Undertaker: I will always sell to Austin. Sara: Why? I don’t get it. Undertaker: He’s Steve Austin. I’ll sell my stuff to Steve Austin, but not to anyone else. Austin: Well in that case, you can just give me them three urns right there. They’ll be just fine. Undertaker exchanges the urns for money and makes his first sale of the day. The Undertaker then walks in the house muttering the words "I’m not selling anything else until the Rock gets here." The End... To read the rest of the "20-Minute Promo" column and leave feedback, click HERE. Drunken Edge - Home of The 20-Minute Promo
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