The Unspoken Word - The *LAST* Column & Best of the Wrestling Minute Submitted by Chad Shadow on Friday, September 21, 2001 at 5:12 AM EST
"The immortality of the fame is the measure of other's torture."--Gza
No, that wasn't a typo. I really am *quitting* this column for various reasons. *pauses for applause and cheers* I'll get into that later because boring the reader has always been the meat of the column--this is just the intro. All kidding aside, I'd really like to get this thing started for the *last* time. So sit back, crack open a beer, light up a cigarette, pop some E, shoot some heroin, take a hit off a gravity bong--whatever you need to do to relax. Here's how this ish is broken down:
A--FINAL THOUGHTS B--HERE'S A THOUGHT C--TOP 5 D--THE BEST OF THE WRESTLING MINUTE
*FINAL* THOUGHTS:
The biggest reason why I've decided not to continue this column right now is that I've lost all interest in wrestling. I no longer care if I catch RAW or Smackdown--nor do I care what happened if I did miss it. To be honest, the excitement and overall lure that MADE me either watch or tape every show has vanished. In fact, during the last two weeks it felt like the only reason I tuned in to RAW and Smackdown was so I had material to base this column off of.
As I become more involved with college classes, work, and recreational studies, my free time will disappear extrordinarily. Of course, I COULD have time to do a column and watch WWF--the problem is I don't want to anymore. The entertainment value of the sport has sunk lower for me than Mae Young's boobs after she removes her bra.
For the remainder of this rant, I'm going to briefly touch on several key moments in wrestling since I started watching it in early 1998.
I'll be honest. What drew me into wrestling was the Stone Cold/Vince McMahon feud. It was just incredible. It was so much more than a "fake sport". It was almost like a parody of the workplace with the whole employee vs boss feud. It was something everybody could relate to, and a feud between two absolute icons of sports entertainment. You know what was so great aboug SCSA vs. Vince? EVERYBODY cheered Stone Cold and EVERYBODY booed Vince. There was no mixed reaction--it was crystal clear who the enemy and who the hero was, unlike today's fickle crowd.
Owen Hart's death shocked me. As I do with every pay per view, I'd read the results on LOP's main board.
Big Brother: That's incredibly pathetic. Why don't your cheap ass every BUY a fucking p--
But I digress, I was shocked to hear Owen had not just died....but that he died in the ring. In front of thousands of people in attendance. And that the SHOW WENT ON. That really amazed me. I'm still flabbergasted as to how any wrestler could possibly perform when a fellow wrestler, or even a close friend in some cases, had died in that very ring. It's hard to say whether Vince made the right decision if the show should go on. He is a businessman, so business-wise, his decision was right. But morally? No. I suppose Vince would rather have people quietly condeming his decision than an uprisal over "not getting their money's worth." It makes sense to me anyway.
I can't lie. I LOVED Degeneration X back in the day. The entrance always pumped me up, and, believe it or not, Xpac used to be my favorite wrestler. Of course, after the Kane/X-Pac tag team split up, this quickly changed. It's funny to think that the only good long term thing DX did was springboard Triple H into stardom. There was a time when Road Dogg's wrestling and mic work was anticipated and appreciated. When Badass Billy Gunn showed charisma and was entertaining to watch. But of course, as much as everybody hated to admit it at the time, DX was a gimmick and all gimmicks "die hard", so to speak. And if anybody cares to disagree I got two words for ya...
The Greater Power thing was a great angle. It's a shame the outcome had to be so predictable, but it was great nonetheless. It's just too bad anything that tries to emulate the whole "mystery man" theme will always be in the Greater Power Angle's shadow.
I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised at the outcome of the Test/Steph wedding. I expected something huge and unbelievably cool and the WWF delivered with a plot twist that was ultimately satisfying. After watching Test fight Shane McMahon at Summerslam 99 (<--only ppv I ever watched) I became a HUGE Test fan. That match was AWESOME. Test's career didn't jump though, lying limp and unusable like an old man's penis. Triple H truly became a superstar with this angle...
Speaking of The Game-ah, having him retain-ah the belt-ah at Wrestlemania was a FANTASTIC decision.
I was really sad to see Mick Foley retire. His technical wrestling wasn't too impressive, but the spots he pulled off in matches, his memorable mic work, and the way he could tell a story in the ring still amaze me. I hated to see him leave, but at least he did it respectfully passing the torch to Triple H.
The whole Rikishi as the hit and run driver thing was promising but ultimately retarded since he was so injury prone and non charismatic without the dancing. Wow....looking at Too Cool, DX, and the Radicals, stables really go to shit don't they?
Speaking of the Radicals...Chris Benoit is a definite future star. I'll never forget his match with Angle on RAW in the cage. I nearly shit my pants.
As much fun as it is to hate The Rock, I can't do it. His interviews are always hysterical and his charisma is unparallelled. He also CAN WRESTLE when he wants to...
Crazy Internet Fan: yeah man!! rockyy iz a gr8 rassler 4 sho!!
Crazy Internet Fan#2: nah homie!! rvd is betta tekniklee!!
Crazy Internet Fan: you are a HOMOGAY FAGMASTER!!
Crazy Internet Fan#2: go blow ur ohn kunt u dont noe skwat!! rock can suk itt!!
But I digress...Rocky will always be a top wrestler and I can seriously see him getting a great movie career assuming he gets the right roles. Rock has the ability but it all depends on the roles he plays. In the ring he'll always be one of the best, regardless of his millions AND MILLIONS of catchprases.
As for the Invasion....it started out ok with Shane bringing in a face WCW....turned good when WCW was made heel and all the WWF wrestlers were made face...and then went to great when ECW came into the mix. It's just a shame the Invasion will NEVER turn from great to classic since all of the big names are absent (Goldberg, Flair, Sting, Jarrett, BPP, etc. etc. etc.)
That's really all I have to say about my 3+ years of watching wrestling....and to be honest, I don't think the next three years of wrestling will top the last three by a long shot.
HERE'S A THOUGHT:
How much time in your life have you spent watching 20 minute interviews?
TOP FIVE: "Why only five? Because the MAN deprived me of TEN!"--Nat X
TOP FIVE GREAT MOMENTS I'VE SEEN IN WRESTLING: --5 Hardy Boys Ladder Matches --4 Test gets married to Stephanie --3 Rocky, This is your life. --2 Mick Foley vs. Undertaker Hell in a Cell. --1 The entire SCSA Vince feud. CLASSIC.
The Man: Ah, what the hell Shadow....you can have five more before you *walk out*...
TOP FIVE HYPOTHETICAL MOMENTS I WILL HATE TO MISS: --5 A return of HBK. --4 The Hardy Boys break up. --3 Chris Benoit and Triple H's return to the ring. --2 Chris Jericho's World Title push and next heel turn. --1 RVD maturing and main eventing every week.
THE BEST OF THE WRESTLING MINUTE:
Let's all be serious here. The bread and butter of this column, or its "gimmick" if you will, has always been the Wrestling Minute, a section I came up with on the spur of moment that has always been my favorite part of the column. And judging from the email I recieve, its a lot of readers' favorite section as well. In case you've never read it, this section is basically a play off of David Spade's SNL Hollywood Minute, except I mock wrestling news. So read on for my best jokes about this great sport--but just from my main board columns. I don't have my Phat Pharm UW column archives with me at this time. It's my top 21 jokes about sports entertainment...enjoy.
--The Heartbreak Kid will not be allowed any television time until he fixes his substance abuse problem. The WWF first suspected Shawn Michaels of this problem when he showed up to RAW a few weeks ago and played with Kurt Angle's medals for six hours
--Did anyone notice that Rock's interview on Leno to promote "The Mummy Returns" lasted longer than his scenes in the movie itself?!
--During the taping of a Jakked/Metal match, Perry Saturn overreacted to a botched move by his amateur opponent, Mike Bell. Mike Bell fumbled on a hip toss, causing Perry Saturn to yell at Bell, punch him, whip his head into the ring steps, choke him, superkick him, brainbust him, stab him, break his legs, poke his eyes out, urinate in his mouth, shoot him, and burn down his house--all without showing an OUNCE of charisma.
--It appears the WWF is very interested in creating their own film franchise that would involve WWF wrestlers and storylines. The first WWF movie will be "Scent of a Woman, Body of a Man" starring Chyna.
--Recently Grand Master Sex-ay was released from the WWF for possession of illegal drugs. I guess the WWF thought that the possession of illegal drugs would tarnish Grand Master's gimmick as a rapper.
--Apparently there was consideration to have Stu Hart rise out of his chair during the main event and punch Vince or Steve Austin. However, the idea was completely nixed when the writers realized it would take Stu 20 minutes to walk from his seat to the ring.
--The Miami Herald has recently put up an interview with the Hardy Boyz. Here is an excerpt:
MH--So, where did you guys get started?
Jeff Hardy:..................
Matt Hardy:...............
Jeff Hardy:..................
Matt Hardy:AAAHHHH!!
--Roddy Piper is making his own video game, which should sell extremely well TEN YEARS AGO.
--Apparently UPN is far from pleased in regardance to Smackdown's low ratings. Shows I can think of other than Smackdown on UPN: None.
Lighten up, UPN
--I had to laugh when I read the last part of Jerry Lawler's commentary. The King said he was planning to wrestle with Stacey, Road Dogg, and Grandmaster in New York on July 6th. Oh that'll be a great match...Road Dogg's eyes will be half shut, Grandmaster's nose will be half plugged, Stacey's shirt will be half off, and Jerry's penis will be half full of Viagra.
--Emory Hale (?!) has been making radio apperances saying he will the top heel in Hogan's future promotion. Hulk Hogan shot down this rumor saying "No one would be stupid enough to put themselves over that and such statements would bury the person making them...besides, I'm going to be the top heel."
--Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Lillian Garcia, who will announce every wrestler on the WCW Roster! Lilian: Making their way to the ring accompanied by SHANE MCMAHON are... BOOKER T!! um...DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE!!, um...LANCE...Lance...Lance something...um...the guy who USED TO BE MEAT! um...uh...CHUCK PAL--um...uhhh..*silence*
--The bad news? The WWF plans to cut 25 to 30 wrestlers this Thursday. The good news? The Big Show counts as 10.
--There was some serious talk to bring in Eric Bischoff to take part in the main event at Invasion, which he refused. Meanwhile, there was some serious talk to bring in Vince Russo to take part in custodial duties at Invasion, which he readily accepted. He has been warned about putting cameras in the women's room...
--Smackdown Records have signed some band called Neurotica to their label. Neurotica?! That sounds like a vaginal medicine.
-- Hulk Hogan, if you're reading, assuming computers don't scare you with their "blasted new technology", I offer a fail safe way to get ratings and sell out arenas for your new federation. Name one wrestler "Thar Ock", name another one "Goal Berg," and announce they're going to fight each other several times on the radio.
--Perry Saturn has been living his gimmick backstage, bringing a mop around with him everywhere he goes. D'Lo Brown has been bringing a mop around at every WWF show as well--but it's not for a gimmick.
--The Godfather made an appearance at an IWA show. It seems the WWF is "testing the waters" for Charles Wright's old gimmick. It appears the WWF isn't sure how the fans will react to several half naked women and marijuana references.
--So its the World Wrestling Federation vs. the World Wildlife Fund in the Acronym War. I say kill all those goddamn animals and turn their carcasses into ring canvas.
--TSN pre-empted the first fifteen minutes of RAW due to a tennis match going long. Millions of viewers called TSN and requested that they do that every week.
--No comment yet from the Undertaker when asked why his T-shirts are selling better than he does.
I guess that's it for me...*for good*. I'd like to thank Mr. Tito for giving me my big start on the Phat Pharm. I really appreciated it. I don't know how Tito keeps writing his daily columns, but I certainly admire him for doing it. Kudos.
I'd also like to thank Calvin as well for "promoting" me to the main boards and giving me the chance to post my opinion on wrestling every week...well, mostly every other week to tell the truth. Anyway, I'm glad he let me write columns the way I wanted them and maybe one day we'll work together again.
I'd like to shout out a big "Fuck You" to JaymzDOD, Jayzus, or whatever that cuntsucking weasel calls himself from week to week. Haha...actually I'm just joking. James and I used to exchange flame wars back and forth on IM all the time. Do yourself a favor and check out "Dead Bodies Everywhere." It's better than doing nothing, right?
Well, this is it. The *final* edition of The Unspoken Word is going to be drawn to a close. Or maybe not...notice how I've been puting asterisks in front of every "final" or "last"? It's because there's a chance I might come back...but not quite a strong enough chance to just put the column on hiatus. I guess I'd only come back if A) Wrestling peaked my interest again or B) I felt like I wanted to spend time writing a column. Of course, assuming any of that would happen, there would have to be an open spot on the main board. I'd like to come back for a guest column if I manage to catch a few weeks of wrestling....but that would probably be more of a Phat Pharm thing than a main board thing I think.
It's been cool having a column here...I've seen a few editions hit over 4000 hits...that was just amazing. I've also gotten hate mail and fan mail...much more fan than hate but there's the occasional "Why do you *sniff* hate Chyna?" or "You bastard! How dare you make fun of *snif* Stu Hart! I hate you!" but hey what can you do....
It's been fun. I wish whoever takes my spot from the Phat Pharm good luck because, damnit you're going to need it to fill this void. I'm also glad to see the way I've done my column has had influence on several other columns that started after me. Anyway...
Feel free to drop me a line at truemaster99@hotmail.com or on AOL IM where I go by--um...truemaster99. God, I need a new name.
