|
|
|
|
|
Submitted by anonymous on Thursday, December 25, 2008 at 6:06 PM EST
  Hello and welcome to another edition of Inside The Mind! My name is anonymous and I’d tell you a bit about myself but that would make my name meaningless. Before we start, I’d like to say a HUGE thank to Skittlez for allowing me to continue writing here. I love you in ways which would make the animals on the discovery channel blush. You’re awesome darling. I’m just sorry that this column is aimed to mock and ridicule one of your pieces of work. Sorry about that. Let’s get started. ’Tis the season of goodwill! I love this season. The time where William Regal is at his heelish best. Winning Intercontinental title, some time on commentary and generally providing me with entertainment; Regal’s done it all and he’s done it all well. This is the season of goodwill. Hardy Boys on fire! This has devastated me. So many titles are being destroyed and it seems the Hardy Boys mysteries are just one of those suffering. I’ve never read a page of them and as more and more are destroyed, it seems I never will. With today’s internet and television, it seems kids don’t have time for books. At least they’re fun to burn. Thailand have three Prime Ministers in just four months! It’s Rikishi. He’s doing it for The Rock. Why is The Rock trying to mess up the Thai Parliament? How has he gained control of Rikishi? Will the protesters be at Raw tonight! Tune in to find out! A quick brief comment for people who don’t know me: I like breasts. A lot. Whatever the size, whatever the shape, I’m always willing to have a stare and provide and analysis of these beautiful creatures. The wrestling world provides me with the opportunity to that and I’m basically going to be analyzing the Divas of the different promotions and talking about their boobs. I love my job. Anyway, today we’re going to be studying a lovely young woman, on the requests of Joey Shinobi (who has written an excellent column here: “The Shinobi Series #13: Come Out and Play” ). The woman in question is Melina.  I like Melina a lot. She does have a nice set of breasts. But from that picture, it’s clear that one boob is lower than the other. That’s not a good thing and marks must be taken away for that. However, the size is lovely and those little imperfections make them look like very realistic breasts. I chose the most unflattering picture possible for my judgments and they still look lovely. But are they as lovely as Jillian’s? We’ll see. Size: 8.5/10 Shape: 7/10 Realism: 9/10 Overall Rating: 24.5/30 Melina’s boobs are 0.5 marks better than Jillian’s! Isn’t that exciting? So, we move onto today’s big topic. The good news is that this isn’t going to be about some veteran jobber who I’ve fallen in love with. The bad news is that it’s about a bunch of wrestlers that you may have long forgotten and not want to be reminded of. I’m sorry in advance. Anyway, I was reading one of the older editions of fact or fiction recently, and I suddenly realized that someone could do a superb spoof of it. I asked around and for some reason, no one else seemed to think it was such an excellent idea. Most people simply ignored my very existence. So I’ve written it myself. It is my pleasure to introduce you all to  There are many wrestlers who have been suspected of homosexuality. Either by their in-ring antics or their out-of-ring antics. Or simply by their appearance. The fact they’re in a business which involves wearing tight outfits and touching members of the same sex every day puts every member of the Wrestling community under question. But, certain people’s antics must be put to the test. It’s time to ask whether these people are truly fags or, if they’re as straight as straight can be. (I really couldn’t think of a good simile. If you can think of one, please email me and I’ll edit this lame sentence). Anyway, bring on the first wrestler.  History Rico was an ex-policeman and bodyguard. He joined the WWE to be Billy and Chuck’s bitch, amongst other things. He spent his time with the company enjoying one of the most openly gay gimmicks possible and he was rarely seen without a smile on his face as he embarked on this. Then, out of nowhere, he was released and vanished from site. He’s now back in the law enforcement business (Wikipedia is always right). The Facts Rico enjoyed the gay gimmick way too much. When he got a stink-face from Rikishi, he flashed the most convincing smile I’ve ever seen and if you’ve watched any of his promos, you’ll know he can’t act. He legitimately enjoyed having another man’s ass in his face. Also, there’s a sort of gay romanticism regarding the role of the Policeman. A nice manly uniform. Really macho and sexy. Sounds lovely doesn’t it? Fag or fiction? Rico’s past, present and future add up to suggest that he’s a true fag. But he’s a fag who entertained me when wrestling was in a dark era. I miss Rico.  History As the son of the great Dusty Rhodes, Goldust was born into the wrestling business. He’s been wrestling professionally since the age of 19 under various gimmicks and the Goldust character appeared about 7 years after that start. This gimmick has seen generally engaging in weird activities which have occasionally crossed homo-erotic boundaries. He’s now on his 5th run in the WWE and all the sexual innuendos are back. The Facts Although his sexually has always been questionable when he’s been the WWE character, young Mr. Dust has been married twice (to women) and even though bisexuality is always a possibility, a man who’s married with kids probably isn’t gay. Fag or Fiction Fiction.. It’s nice to see him back in the WWE though.  History A guy that was obsessed with girls asses and a really tough Italian decided to turn gay one day. It really was that random. They formed a tag team and slowly dropped subtle hints regarding there gayness, before deciding to get married. Then, when it came to the wedding day, they claimed it was all a publicity stunt and there was nothing there. That’s about it. Now, Chuck Palumbo’s vanished off the face of the earth and Billy Gunn’s in some tiny little indie federation. I’m not sure which one I pity more. The Facts Whilst neither member of the tag team have had homosexual gimmicks other than this two year spell, who’s to say it wasn’t sincere? Chuck Palumbo’s not married anymore and has an unhealthy obsession with leather, and Billy Gunn was between wives for the duration of the storyline. Who’s to say that they didn’t just go through a phase where they decided to “fag it up” and experiment? Fag or Fiction Even though they may have had this gay stint in real life, as well as in the ring, there’s no denying that they’re probably straight. It’s a fiction for me on this one.  History Pat Patterson’s openly admitted he’s gay. So it’s kind of pointless even going through his history. He’s a WWE legend and still works for the company. His birth given name’s Pierre Clemont. Why would someone do that to their kids? The Facts He’s openly gay. There’s no question about it. Fag or Fiction FAG. That’s the easiest one so far.  History You’ve probably never heard of this guy but apparently he owns the WWE. He’s 63 years old, married and has 2 children. He’s controlled the WWE for the last 26 years and has revolutionized the business today. Other than that, he’s not particularly important. The Facts The obsession with “big” men, the love of men who literally kiss his ass, the unnatural closeness with Pat Patterson- Vince just reeks of closet homosexuality. He’s also in charge of the gayest sport in the world. In short, if Vince McMahon had never got married, the signs would be blatantly obvious. Fag or Fiction Vince McMahon is a fag. If there’s one thing you take out of this Christmassy column, it should be that fact. I’ll repeat it. Vince McMahon is gay. Ignore his sham of a marriage. That’s just to continue his lineage. Look at his perverted mindset. Study his love of good-looking young wrestlers and the “quick, hard pushes” he loves to give them. The “kiss my ass” club; the gay gimmicks that we’ve looked through today: it’s all been because of Vince. Vince McMahon is gay. That’s not fiction.  I’ve no idea where the last few paragraphs came from. I suppose the mulled wine has gone to my head and affected my writing. That’s never a bad thing. Anyway, it’s nearly time to say goodbye. I suppose I should give you all some fun stuff to leave on, considering the serious nature of today’s ramblings.  Not always the most successful Wrestlemon but people always tend to have a fondness for them. This Wrestlemon is usually a good mover and capable, without ever challenging for great things. Usually tending to be strong and silent, there is a tendency to simply sit back and relax, whilst others achieve greater success in a shorter time-span but, it doesn’t matter because this Wrestlemon is probably too laidback to care. Other similarities include an eye for the ladies and a phenomenally large penis which you’ll never see but, you know exists. That’s all I’ve got for now. I hope you all have a superb Christmas and I’ll see you very shortly. And remember…  Goodnight my children.
|
|