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Submitted by SkittleZ on Wednesday, December 24, 2008 at 2:20 AM EST
The Dope Boy$ Main Page Masterpiece - Wrestling Gave Me The Gay Hellooooo, ladies (ha, who are we kidding?) and gentlemen. Seasons greetings and holiday cheer to all. We are your esteemed LoP CoTM winners for the month of November, year 2008 - The one and only Dope Boy$. In case you ain't that observant, this is now the 4th time that we, The DB$, have touched the face of God by appearing on the Lords of Pain main page. What are we talking about? Well, thanks to our appearances in the revered "Hussy Awards" by Hustle of Hustle Ain't Posting Right Now, and also our contributions for our main big-homie, a fellow CoTM winner, the bomb weed hookup and our own personal "problem solver" CoLd of The Spiders Web fame, we're now at two Main Page appearances. You can also find the both of us in SkittleZ Xmass list (playing right now - go read it after you've read this twice), which in addition to the glimmering nugget of column-writing excellence that you behold right now, amounts to four MP appearances (out of five total things ever written = a .8 things written/things on the MP ratio), yeah thats right bitches - tell us how our asses taste. But without further adieu, may we present to the main page masses.... - The column more controversial than John Cena swimming in a sea of controversy - - The column so merry it required a secret meeting of the minds to discuss gayness - - The column so blithe SkittleZ couldn't handle it and had to post it prematurely - - The longest column you may read in the next 25 minutes - - The column just gay enough to get a Penis aroused - - The most blatant waste of bandwidth in LoP history - - Jimmy Jacob's only appearance on LoP (and he wasn't cheap, folks) - - and the only place where y'all can read internet message board fugitive and Public Enemy # 1 in the LoP universe...Uncle Joe. *** Click on Link for Soundtrack *** http://www.zshare.net/audio/5256827750b3816d/ The Dope Boy$ would like to welcome all y’all back to the column whose homeboy Bongo hooked it up so it could get it’s rims 2-Day. It’s your friendly neighborhood Hammers ‘n’ Vogue riders Sir Luscious Left Foot and Possum Allahwishes Jenkins Dragon 3000, and we so got’damn fly that we rockin’ mink socks and flip flops. We’re on an East coast swing this time, stopping through Harlem World to pick up The Ghostface Puerto Rican (the one and only Uncle Joe), and then it’s on up the way to chowdah country to pick up a man who looks more like Jimmy Jacobs than the actual Jimmy Jacobs, The Pierced'face Bostonian (the net-infamous OniBarubary). Neither of these cats get high (Uncle Joe’s dangerously close to straight edge, in fact), so we better go ‘head and get that blunt burnin. It’s coLd up North this time of year, so we're gonna park the ragtop and bust out the Escalade truck.  Ha, remember when gas was expensive? Fuck it, fill it up with premium, I think I’ve got some dimes in the cupholder. Well, since I’m talkin’ over this dope beat, how ‘bout you drop some dope rhymes, Billy Ocean, and together we can get paid in full full, full, full... We tight like string, living life like kings. Bringing the heat like spring, we stay doing our dam thing. Steady writing circles around the competition like a ring and we got no fear cuz there aint nothing they can bring to the table, to disable - us. Cuz we're willing and able to write these fables, at a level up above the rest like we the gable. We're the first thing you read kinda like the label and you cant live without us just like cable. As we swagger to the plate with our home run swing, we hope this hurts your funny bone much like a bee sting. -Sir Luscious- ****** On this occasion, we’d like to add a disclaimer - this work is in no way intended to defame the character or lifestyle of anyone, and any individual who cannot detect the sarcasm is clearly a fagand should close this column immediately. We guess what we’re doing here is going “full retard”, which we’ve been told never to do. ****** Please allow us to take a moment to let Mr. Ghostface tell us the story of how we got together for this, as only Uncle Joe can. The following story takes place in December of 2008 As two dapper young gentlemen make their way cross country in their Cadillac, they notice a bunch of young punk kids dressed in the latest fashion or “flossin’ and ballin’” as they would say. This can only mean one thing; they’ve stumbled upon the land known as Harlem U.S.A. Since their GPS wasn’t working, they tried figuring their way around to hopefully get out of town, when they notice a bit of a commotion. So as they naturally go to look as what it was, they noticed an equally dapper young man in an altercation with some random Dominican hoe. As she got in his face, the well dressed man cocked back in what can only be described as a....  Lariato!!!!!! Brill: “Ay-Yo Missou, that’s gotta be Unc Joe; Shit it says so on his shirt” Missou: "Yo Joe, what it do? Since we’re up here in the North-East, wanna be in our column?" Joe: *shrugs* "Ok." ------- “ I think that boy has done went and caught The Gay” - Robert Jebediah Freeman -  Nah man, fuck that shit son! I aint even close to gay, at least the gay “homosexual” sense. In fact, Im the most not gay nigga of all the not gay niggas around, in case you didn’t know. And my old-lady is always busy watching Dancing with the fucking Stars and the goddam Gilmore Girls anyway.  You bet Id SMASH that, cuz I ain't no Gay Im secure in my manhood son. So secure in fact, I can appreciate the handsome’ness of another hetero male and not feel like any less of a man. You know who is a good looking piece of man? John Mayer. If I were him, Id get laid a millions times more than I do now, therefore he is more attractive than me. See, its not that hard to admit he is better looking dude than I and totally nothing gay about it.  Dude jerks off ONTO the girls you jerk OFF to, respect his handsome Chico please, Im educated, so I know that all gay really means is happy and blithe. Before it was perverted into its current slur form, gay has always been defined as (via dictionary.com): 1. having or showing a merry, lively mood: "gay spirits" 2. bright or showy: "gay colors" 3. given to or abounding in social or other pleasures: "a gay social season" 4. licentious; dissipated; wanton: "The baron is a gay old rogue with an eye for the ladies" But there is a new phenomenon sweeping through the world of wrestling lexicon and internet jargon. There has been a steady rise as of late, of characters that are so gloriously grand, that you just need to exclaim to everyone you come in contact with just how remarkable that you think they are. You feel that they need to have praise heaped down upon them in droves from keyboards to I-Phones even smoke signals and sign language, if necessary. So fanatical is the praise, it normally would warrant an obligatory “no homo” preceding or following it, sometimes both. But the "no homo" is purposely and explicitly ignored. Ignored to spell the highest compliment going on the nets today: Dude, Im Totally Gay for…… Who gave it to me?  Matt Sydal, aka Evan Bourne, of RoH and WWE notoriety. How did I catch it? It’s hard to not root for the underdog, isn’t it? Rey Mysterio Jr has made an entire career out of the human propensity to believe in the little guy, even when it’s completely implausible. Well you’d be hard-pressed to find a more implausible professional wrestler than Evan Bourne. He’s about 5’7”, 155 pounds with a wet brick in his back pocket, and yet he can rock back a man the size of Mark Henry with a right cross? I wasn’t introduced to this prince of a man as Evan Bourne though. When I first saw him, he was known as Matt Sydal. He was one of those (generic description alert) indy fags who wrestled in front of 22 people in VFW halls throughout central Indiana and north-central Kentucky for $24.63 and a Kwik-Stop burrito every night. The first match I ever saw of his was in the second round of the 2005 King of Europe Cup against ELLLLLL GEN-ERICOOOO!!1!~ (who also makes me light in the loafers). For those who have seen this match, you already know why it’s so beloved-the center of the mat busted during the previous match, and Generico and Sydal spend the first half of the match tentatively circling the periphery of this mid-ring sinkhole, avoiding this budgeting mishap like it’s the crater of an active volcano. After that performance, I began actively seeking out more of his matches. I found the classic RoH stable Generation Next, and witnessed the chemistry between Sydal and Austin Aries, both as teammates and opponents. I was as happy as a fat girl with a new Myspace friend request when he appeared on ECW like a shooting star in the sky, and just as sad as a Cena mark when he inevitably got injured. How bad is it Doc? I liked his work on WSX, if that tells you anything. In addition to that, I’ve considered…[b]buying[/b] a couple of old RoH DVDS from Highspots just so I can see some of his matches. Now, keep in mind that I’m a guy that doesn’t buy ANY media - no music, no games, no porn, no grapz, no nothing - if I can’t steal it, I don’t want it. Its a pirate's life for me. So me considering using legal currency to purchase some DVD's with him on it, that’s really saying something. Hell, I’m so gay for Sydal that I don’t even mind the fact he’s basically taken Colt Cabana’s spot. “ZOMG Dragon, he took teh Paul London’z spot you dumb homo!~!!@!1one”. No, Paul London pulled a Plaxico during the Vince explosion angle and did it to himself. Sydal took Scotty Goldman’s spot. :Pththththb @ you. How can I get rid of it? Give him more mic time. No, seriously, the only two things that could keep me from clapping and going “YAAYYYY!” like Peter Griffin when I see Sydal would be the WWE forcing him to tone down his style. Taking away things like:  also his top rope moonsault belly-to-belly suplex (Yup you read it right) and that cold-ass Shooting Star Press, which is nearly as good as Teddy Hart’s. Or if some heartless smark were to inform me that Sydal wasn’t actually a native of the great state of Missouri. If that were to happen....I don’t know what I’d do. Who gave it to me?  "Addicted To Love" Rhett Titus of ROH. How did I catch it? Im gonna have to face it, Im addicted to Rhett Titus. You dont know who Rhett is or what he's about? I guess it sucks to be you. Im feeling blithe though, so here is a quote of his that pretty much sums up his persona perfectly: "You can compare me to UPS, sweeping the nation dropping LOADS in every city. They say the thrust is a must" Get this, he hails from "The Temple of Lust at Long Beach Island" in America's taint aka New Jersey. As he his name implies, Rhett Titus is 'Addicted to Love' or in plain speak - a man slut, that dude who will do any broad at anytime or Glen Quagmire. He's so wonderfully scuzzy that watching and listening to him, I almost feel like I should be wearing a rubber. Id imagine after meeting him or just by passing him in the street you would want to wash your self right quick or even take a full shower. Shake his hand? Fuck no, Id probably get the rare "Hand Herpes" strain. Such sleaze and nasty, but yet its...delightful, kind of like Kelly Bundy. My favorite part about him is that he doesnt give a shit, in true sleazebag fashion. Rhettski the Jetski will take them all for a ride 'brother' no matter short, tall, fat, or small. With self described "thighs as wide as the sky and shoulders the size of boulders" Rhett, unlike most other ROH wrestlers, actually looks like a wrestler that could give Vince a chubby and one he would give a serious look at. He is still only in his early 20's, with only a couple of years of experience under his bow-tie, so dont be surprised one day in the future to see him in the big leagues. I can sit here and sing his praises to the high heavens telling you that he was trained by Austin Aries and Brian Danielson but really, Rhett needs to be viewed or listened to in order to truly appreciate and love: {Interviewer} How did you feel after being bloodied by Delirious in Cleveland at the "Age of Insanity" event? Do you feel that it hurt your chances with the ladies? {Rhett} To be honest it wasnt the first time Rhett Titus had some blood on his face, it just never came from his own face before. Need more? Click here to see Rhett get his swagger back Enough said.  How bad is it Doc? I went out and bought myself some bow-ties. Unfortunately, I cant figure out how to tie them. But once I do, beware bitches because Brilliant + bow-ties = one beautiful bonny beast. How can I get rid of it? I dont think there is much I can do. Ive dug Rhett since he was a pre-show jobber, looking at a mirror and using 'This is Why Im Hot' as his theme. He could bang my mom and sister at the same time then stream it over the ROH videowire, and Id be cool with it probably. Only thing he could do to lose my gay is to sign with TNA Id guess but that should go without saying. Who gave it to me?  El Guapito of AAA. How did I catch it? Fucking look at him! How can you not be gay for that little guy? Adorable and hilarious in a magic little package. If anyone has ever watched a full 2-3 hour AAA show, they'll understand it when I say that it is hard to not feel a little gay after its over. Dudes blatantly acting like strippers, exoticos acting like trannies, midgets in pajamas, tall dark handsome men dancing around the ring and air. And its all done with an aura of machismo that is about as macho as 80's hair metal. How bad is it Doc? I went out and made 6 t-shirts with his face on it. One for everyday I cant see him. I have a special blanket with a life size pic of him on it for when I watch him on Saturday afternoons. Here's the pic I used:  How can I get rid of it? Midgets normally creep me out, so if he ever dropped the handsome baller gimmick he's playing, Id be over him. Unless he joined the Pirata family, he he he, Im giggling just thinking about a little pirate. Who gave it to me?  John “I Lack a Good Nickname” Morrison, Former ECW World Champ, Former Tag Champ, Former Tough Enough LOSER and Former Infatuation Junkie. Current hot stuff. God, just the intro and I’m already halfway gay. How did I catch it? Jesus butt-fucking Christ, look at those abs!  Gaze into his nipples of the future! I had to find a big enough picture to illustrate just how big a boner I have just from looking at it. Seriously, going from body-type alone, his is pretty much the "perfect dude" body-type. It’s the kind of body that a guy has to look at and be like “If this was a sculpture, it’d be a true work of art. And I’d probably feel less weird about wanting to lick it.” You could bounce a quarter (among other things) on those abs. You could drip hot butter (among other things) on those abs. You could softly kiss, trailing your lips down the perfect dividing line between the six evenly chiseled muscles, breathing in his heavy scent, the soft musk of-goddam it, I knew writing this column was a bad idea (among other things). Then just watch him wrestle. You basically have to envy anyone watching him or wrestling against him. His execution is phenomenal, and you can trust that crispness and smoothness to carry over to the sack. But he can be rough when he has to, showing particular harshness when dealing with some vicious forearms shots and kicks. He’s not your tender lover; you may walk out of this (awkward gait and all) with a busted eye and a few hairs less.  Please…be gent-AGH! People always are complaining about his mic skills, or lack thereof. That sometimes he can be stiff (heh) or wooden (ha ha) on the stick (bwa ha ha ha). And I say “So?” Do you really wanna deal with a smart fucktoy? That he’ll give you some backsass when you tell him to shower the stank off? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that. I want my gay partner in crime (as far as my state’s concerned) to be dumb as a tent and just as taut. If you say “Drop them drawers” and he says “But my closet doesn’t have any” you found the right one. How bad is it Doc? I bought glitter. How can I get rid of it? I dunno, it’d be pretty hard to stop the infection now. Maybe Morrison could grow a gut? Or shave those luxurious locks? Basically as soon as he stops caring about his appearance, I will too. Have him feud with ugly people? I guess if I only really see him getting hammerfisted by Snitsky or Mike Knox I’ll only get like, half a stock and have to stop watching wrestling our of annoyance of constant blue-balling. Who gave it to me?  Even his belt is black. That’s dark and broody. Tyler “I Like Putting Things in Quotations Despite Him Not Having a Nickname Either” Black. A young 22 year old up and comer (dammit, these entendres just keep popping up), that many are labeling the next big thing in independent wrestling. Don’t be surprised if you see him on WWE TV and your fantasies within the next 5 years. How did I catch it? Well, from my Morrison entry I think the readers can tell I go all woobly from a perfectly toned set of abs. And he sure has those. To expand further, the dude’s tall and dark, got long, oily hair…brooding…kinda scruffy around the edges. He wouldn’t look at all out of place kicking shit out on stage, in a band with a name like “Death by Dying” or “Hearts Bleed Quietly” or “This Band is So Fucking Emo”. Hell, the dude hardcore dances in the corner when he’s about to bust out a lariat in the opposite corner. Face it, scruffy indy singers today of whatever genre get MAD pussy. It’s scientific fact; it’s why they made that large hardon collider, to see how fast rock singers can slam their hard-on into some waiting chick. And double face it (about face it?), dudes wanna be dudes who get a shocking amount of vagina. And with how narcissistic most guys are, lusting after some dude they wanna be like isn’t that far of a stretch. Also, unlike our friend Mr. Morrison, Black’s got some good chops on him (not like Triple H’s, tone that shit down). He knows his way around a promo, but his real strength lies in his written word. As part of the Age of the Fall faction in Ring of Honor, he is their 'voice' on all of their blogs. He’ll constantly lay down his thoughts on what’s wrong with our society today, or his touching thoughts on…well, whatever the fuck it is they’re advocating. Gun control? No more nukes? I forget sometimes. The best part though? His fucking poetry. People love sensitive guys. You know this guy is gonna treat you real good, that he actually cares if you’re pleased in bed. He’ll snuggle afterward, maybe make you breakfast the next morning. But most paramount is  …he’ll let you be on top. How bad is it Doc? I tagged with him. If you know what I mean.  I totally needed to get a pic of us on my phone How can I get rid of it? I guess if he showered and shaved. Dude would look straight dumb. And if he changed his moveset and in-ring personality to be less cool and more…..generic indy wrestler. “Grr, I want the belt! Grr, I kick hard to overcompensate for my lack of charisma! Grr, wanting the belt is my only emotion!” A man who can only think about the job is sexy to no one. Who gave it to me? Joanna from downstairs. * Dragon sends Joe a text and Conga by Miami Sound Machine starts blaring * Oh, wrestling; I forgot.  Mike “The Miz” Mizanin of Real World/Road Rules, Tough Enough and WWE Fame. How I caught it? Well I was at her house watching Beavis, when she dropped down on her knees and gave me nothing Butt-Head. * Conga starts blaring again * I know nigga, let me finish. So while she was wipin’ her face off, I was sittin’ there, flippin through the TV and I came across some hunk on MTV the Real World, and I noticed that he was constantly doing “promo work” whenever he faced the camera. I said to myself “this nigga must watch wrestling” and truth be told, he did. And ever since then, I’ve been hooked. Hoo Rah! How bad is it Doc?  “I'm not lovin you, the way I wanted to What I had to do, had to run from you I'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong And that haunted me, all the way home So ya never know, never never know Never know enough, til' it's over love Til' we lose control, system overload Screamin' no no no, no no I'm not lovin you, the way I wanted to See I wanna move, but can't escape from you So I keep it low, keep a secret code So everybody else don't have to know” Kanye West – Love Lockdown How can I get rid of it? Get rid of what? I don’t know how I lived my life without the Miz before I’ve seen/met him, but feeling the way he’s impacted my life, I don’t wanna find out what it’s like without him. His swagger is so epic that it makes people think that John Morrison is worth more than a bag of shit, and that’s all by association. How’s that for proof? Is it just me, or has this thing turned out a little... "fruity"?  You bet it has, and it’s time to rectify that. (not the best choice of words, I guess) It’s important to remember that a person’s sexual predilections and preferences are formed during their childhood, provided you believe your freshman-year Psych 112 grad-student professor, that is. Everybody has an image inside their head that’s been there since their formative years that represents the definitive sexual partner, and it’s been there a long, long time.  With that said, the Dope Boy$ would like to present to you, our benevolent readers, Cartoon bitches we'd totally SMASH!!!  Velma from Scooby-Doo Why Velma you ask? Because she's a big girl with glasses and a nerd, therefore she will fuck you SILLY. I dunno how people actually make up stereotypes, but no one ever gets the sex ones right. That chick who the camera would slowdown for during a scene in some shitty high-school drama? Chicks like that fucking SUCK in bed. They're not smart enough to know a dick from a duck, normally only care about themselves so don't give two shits if it feels good for you, and you just wanna stuff a sock full of other socks in her mouth. Chicks like fucking Daphne. She's one of those dumb bitches who giggles to her friends, saying "I'm so crazy in bed, I'm so crazy!" and when you ask why she says "Cause I do doggy-style!" or "Because I left my heels on one time!" Dumb slut. You ain't crazy! Girls like Velma are fucking kinky as shit! You can fucking plow her any position while she cusses you out, LOVES sucking dick, will let you ream her ass, fuck those fat tits, tie her up and bite and scratch her (and you know she'll do it back), she'll fucking drip wax on you, get another girl involved, fuck you back with a strap-on, let you cum all over her face and tits, ANYTHING.  Nerdy girls are fucking demons in the sack. You could say anything and she'd be okay with it. Try and fuck her in the ass with a vibe in her pussy, a butt plug in your ass as her arms are tied behind her and she has a ball-gag in her mouth and you're dressed like Kermit and Miss Piggy, fucking on top of her comatose grandmother. I'm serious dude, shit's happened to me. Gimme a nerdy girl with a little weight.  Well put but unfortunately I'm going to have to disagree with Mr. Pierced'face here. Why bother with a nerdy chick when you can have the 'head' cheerleader?  Connie Freekin Dimico Connie Dimico is Family Guy's rendering of that perfect blond-haired blue-eyed big-tittied cheerleader that [b]you[/b] never got to fuck in high school. Well, I went to a really small high school, and [B]I did [/b]get to fuck her (right place, right time, etc.) Let me tell you, the bragging rights are almost as good as the sex. There are few better feelings in life than looking around the cafeteria and seeing all the guys lustfully check her out, knowing that I'd already hit that. Besides, once these girls get out of school and realize that being the most popular girl there doesn't mean...jack fucking shit in the real world, they start to get desperate for all the attention that they used to get. Or wait till she realizes there are younger more prettier girls alive then her, and she starts slutting it up. That's when you strike. Plus, this bitch is willing to lick a toad's ass to get high, and if she's willing to do that... Im thinking more like Mr. 3000 is thinking. Why fantasize about a regular broad that I can get in real life? If Im gonna use my imagination, then Im going top shelf with it.  Penelope Pitstop from The Perils of Penelope Pitstop Penelope's a rich Southern aristocratic damsel, who just so happens to be in distress quite often. Hmmm...young, naive, rich, flirtatious; those all seem like traits in a broad who Id give it to something fierce, and she rolls in a sweet car. Plus she's got a voice that is as sweet as that delicate little ass of hers. She certainly seems like the type of chick that you can talk into anything, provided you have the right amount of game and swagger like me. And like I said, bitch is paid, so you'll be living the good life if you play your cards and dick game right. Also she's a lot smarter than her southern bell charm leads on. Which means when you 'accidentally' stuck it in the wrong hole and she just giggled it off, she totally knew what happened and what you were doing, and liked it! Furthermore, if you ever seen the show, you know this girl likes to be tied up. Now if thats the kind of thing she does on a regular daily basis, imagine what other kind of crazy stuff she's got in her repertoire.  You fags gotta learn to think outside the box. Lemmie show you hows it done.  Kim Karsdashianin.....Cardashean....Ckasa...whatever who cares This bitch is different than other celebutants such as Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Bill Gates; this bitch is actually pretty and keeps her worth in salt by having a fucking J-O-B. This bitch has the closest thing to a perfect body as you can get: phat, juicy ass; very sexy and very much natural tits; cool head skills and a pretty decent face. She’s also very fashionable, and fuck, her ass jiggles so much that it’s mind boggling. Ok, ok, ok…she’s not what you would call “animated”, or a “cartoon character” in the sense of the word, but this bitch looks fake as hell, and that’s pretty much the same thing in my books. 2 Things from 2 Dope Boy$ to check out next year *** Failure to look into these suggestions will result in the dreaded loss of cool and being "that guy" who isnt down *** 1. Asics Onitsuka Tiger Mexico '66  Just in general, it's always old-school>new-school for me, especially when it comes to kicks. Shown here in the coveted white/green patent colorway, the Asics Mexico '66 were created, as you may have guessed by the name, for the 1966 Summer Olympics in Mexico City. These bad boys have the proper swag for stridin' the block in spring and summer, and can carry you right on through to the early fall, if you got either the brown or black model. So, do you wanna be like every other sucker in some Cortez's or Uptowns, or do you wanna look like you actually have some style? I thought so. 2. Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Ale  I've drank a lot of beer in my day, but I've never come across anything as strong as Sierra Nevada Bigfoot. This barleywine-style beer boasts strong citrus tastes, a dark, rich color, and a fucking-off-the-chart alcohol percentage of 9.6% (that's a 19.2 proof beer, far stronger than any malt liquor). If you're on a budget but you still want to get tanked, accept no substitutes-a six-pack of this demon brew would have Khali staggering. Try a few, and be fascinated as your cares recede into the distance (because you're sinking into the fuckin' floor ala Trainspotting). 1. Charles Hamilton  If you already down and smart, you've probably peeped some of our homie Hustle's many columns here in the LOP universe. Additionally, you've probably read him call himself the "Charles Hamilton of Column writing" (which he stole from me I might add) and recommend different Charles' songs (which I probably hipped him to). But have you actually gone out yet and listened to some music by the man named Charles? If yes, high 5 for you amigo cuz you cool, pack a bowl and go listen to one of his 1000 mixtapes. If no, you are dangerously out of touch and possibly a gay. But fear not cuz there is so much Charles out there on the nets it is dumbdiculous. And its FREE!!!!!one111!!!!! 'Your favorite Search Engine Name Here' him and behold the man in the pink polo with the swaggerless swag. Like hip hop? You better if you wanna roll with us. Charles is hip hop. Hip Hop 2.0. He can rap about anything over any music. And he does everything himself. His favorite things to rap about? Sonic the Hedgehog, himself, the fact he thinks God is a woman, and his infatuation with the color pink. He also likes to write about bitches breaking his heart and shit like that. He has been twice featured in XXL Magazine, once in the Show and Prove section and on the cover/main article of the Class of 09 issue. Im not gonna go all Wiki about him, you can do that in your abundant free time, Id rather point you to some of his better tapes. DJ Skee presents Its Charles Hamilton DJ Skee presents Sonic the Hamilton DJ Green Lantern presents Charles Hamilton Outside Looking The Pink Lava Lamp by Charles Hamilton These are FREE. For real free, like dont feel bad about DL'ing it cuz he put it out himself for FREE!! So there is no excuse to not get on the bandwagon before the inevitable wagon starts a rolling. When people start complementing you on your outstanding taste in music, dont forget to tell them who told you first. (unlike Hustle cuz he's a hater!) 2. The Osirian Portal and the rest of Chikara  If you haven't had the pleasure of watching any of the 2008 season of Chikara, then you should probably stop what you are doing right now (Im fucking serious, put down that bowl of cereal) and seek out some Chikara immediately on the youtube or whatever you kids are using these days. Specifically, anything involving The Osirian Portal. The current Chikara Campeon de Parejas (tag team title) holders have been on quite a roll for the last few months. Branching out to some of the other larger Indy feds and picking up a new bodyguard/member. Ophidian, the Vile Serpent from the Nile, is definitely one of the top up-and-comers on the Indy scene today. Amasis, the Funky Pharaoh, stole my dance moves and is one of the more entertaining wrestlers out there because of it. Chikara as a whole is probably the best wrestling product around that you may never have seen or heard of. Do you like your storylines to make sense? Do you like a clear distinction as to who is heel and face? Do you like Lucha Libre and guys wrestling in pajamas and masks but cant understand Spanish? Then my friend, Chikara just might be your salvation. Its the type of company that rewards you for investing your interest in the storylines, by making them always contain foresight, follow logic and common sense, and by giving every action/confrontation an actual reason to take place. Too much for you to handle? Its ok, Vinnie Mac will gladly keep taking your money Im sure, send him a 10 dollar text message and ask him. But if your tired of wasting your time getting into angles and characters only for the big blow-off to happen sandwiched in between Charlie Haas "comedy" and a Diva "wrestling match", then Chikara will welcome you with open arms. Tell em Sir Luscious sent you. Cant get enough of us? Need some more Dope? Check out our historic maiden voyage into the world of column writing for your fix... Two Dope Boy$ in a Cadillac : Who Wants a M(o)ustache Ride? aka the November 2008 Column of the Month and featuring aisce! Hit us up with your hate and/or dickriding via the LoP forums or Sir Luscious Left Foot aka Señor Brilliant: dj.brilliant@gmail.com Possum Allahwishes Jenkins Dragon 3000 aka MissouriDragon: missouridragon@gmail.com So who got some snaps on the petrol? There is always room in the back of the ‘lac, so wait and see who be coming along and joining The Boy$ for the next ride. Now, who dem boyz that be havin the crunk every occasion This side niggaz dustin, that side niggaz blazin, But in the middle we stay calm, we just drop bombs...........
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