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Submitted by XanMan on Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 10:06 AM EST
 "It isn't everybody who is the hero of his own romance, and when we meet one he is likely to be a fascinating monster."--Robertson Davies I'm not big on celebrity in this celebrity driven culture. I don't care what Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt name their baby or that Tom Cruise jumped around on Oprah's couch, or who's controlling Britney Spears' funds this week. The only thing entertainers matter for is that they entertain me. I love to know when the next George R.R. Martin book is coming out, or the next Tom Cruise movie, etc., and I was concerned when Stephen King had that horrific car crash years ago, but honestly only to the extent that if he died I'd never know if Roland reached The Dark Tower. Does this make me cold-hearted and self-interested? I suppose it does, but what it doesn't make me is phony. That's why I've never watched Barbara Walters'specials on celebrities, whether they be focusing on one star, such as Michael Jackson or the aforementioned tramp, Spears, or on many. Basically all I know about her is what she looks like, that she talks funny, and that her specials often pre-empt other shows I'd rather watch, such as Boston Legal--which has now been cancelled, so fuck it. Shows how much ABC gave a damn. She did come up with one good idea, at least, though, called "The 10 Most Fascinating People of ____." I'll be borrowing that concept today to tell you who I think are The 10 Most Fascinating Wrestlers of 2008. I may love, hate, or be completely apathetic to these wrestlers. This isn't a list of my favorites or who I think is the best, simply who had the most fascinating year. So, you won't see Triple H here, because despite the fact that he both had a child and won the WWE Title this year(having his second longest major title reign ever,) because, while he may have been the champ for more than half the year, what's so interesting about that? You also won't see Vince McMahon on this list, even though I think it was fascinating the way that he gave his money away, the fucking ratings dropped, and he then ended up being crushed underneath his own set, because, though he's a former WWF Champion, he isn't a wrestler. Speaking of that whole angle, I wonder if he(or you) would be interested to know that $20,000 of the money he gave away was used to put up bond for the mother of my nieces and nephew and another $10,000 was used to pay the lawyer that got the bitch off with fucking probabtion. Probably you aren't interested, but at least I got to vent a little. What you will be seeing in this column is a wrestler who showed remarkable courage in returning early from injury twice, a wrestler who showed less by faking a reoccurrence of his injury to spend more time with his family, and one who has everybody wondering, "When will he finally swing and miss that final fastball over the middle of the plate?" But, as much as you might believe it is, and as much as you might want to believe it is, and as much as some other columnists might want you to believe it is--confused yet?--the WWE is not the be-all, end-all of professional wrestling. As you may have read in Smells Like Teen Sweatsocksthe WWE isn't really even about professional wrestling anymore. So, while you won't be reading today about Gabe Sopolsky or Jeff Jarrett(one match does not a wrestler make,) I will be discussing some guys that were prominent in their respective promotions. This is a new concept for me, but I think it's a good one, and I'd love to hear who you'd have on your list, so send me some feedback and inform me, and maybe I'll include some of those in the next Star. If this is as fun as I think it'll be, it'll probably be an annual occurrence. Time to rock on...  Well, I might as well get this one out of the way. I'm not really a "Hater," as Hustle likes to term people who get down on Cena, but I do really, really hate it when he's champion. The day and age when people can enjoy a superhero champion is done, and after his long reigns, he's so far above the championship it's ridiculous. He could simply be a main-event style wrestler for the rest of his career, and would still be the top money maker for the company. His holding the belt is a redundant waste of resources, and I hate when they put it on him; I hate even more when they put it on him in place of a heel who's doing a great job as champ the way Jericho was, but I guess I'm digressing quite a bit. The bottom line is that John Cena proved this year that he's not The Rock, he is very passionate about the business and when he has to be away from it, wants to get back as soon as possible. His return at the Royal Rumble ruined the event for me, at least as much as his defeat of Jericho at Survivor Series ruined that one, but I have to admire his guts to return earlier than expected on both occasions, as well as the passion that caused him to attend Smackdown backstage the same day as having surgery. How can you not be fascinated with a guy that puts aside his physical well-being in order to be with his company, and entertaining his fans? Put simply: The guy's drive and emotion are second to none, and he's easily the inspirational story of the wrestling year. I return your salute, Mr. Cena.  On the other hand, I have to give a different kind of salute to The Legend Killer. I am an acknowledged fan of The Viper. He's my second favorite RAW performer behind Chris Jericho, and I loved his run as World Heavyweight Champion, but I am disgusted with his rumored actions over the summer. I understand this man is a blue chipper, and what Mr. McMahon would apparently call a "pedigree" guy, but one has to wonder if he will ever grow up. The original injury, suffered in his One Night Stand title match against Triple H, of course, was legitimate, but there are rumors that his second one was faked due to there being no police report of his motorcycle accident, and even if it wasn't, what the hell was he doing riding a motorcycle with a still-healing fracture in his clavicle? For several years, it seemed that Orton was going to be plagued with injuries, and when he was healthy appeared to have nothing better to do than harass the company's female employees. After a real broken clavicle and another either real or fake reoccurrence and acquiring terrible arm tattoos that distract from what he can do in the ring, he's getting a renewed push as the leader of a stable and is reportedly in line for a 10-year contract. I'm honestly as fascinated as I am disgusted by what Orton gets rewarded for. Maybe one of these days he'll go so far that not even his level of talent can save him from the firing squad.  TNA's new executive stockholder, however, is certainly not a man who has ever wasted his talent. Mick Foley likely got more out of his physical ability than any professional wrestler in history, and he succeeded without a fantastic or varied move-set, and without having great technical skills. How? By never wasting a motion or a word when it came to telling a story, whether it was in a promo or during a match. That's a gift few wrestlers possess, but if you read A Lion's Tale you know it is a skill that can be learned and that's something Foley can teach the kids in Total Nonstop Action. Lord knows someone has to, and who better than one of the masters? I can't believe Foley left a partnership that had been lucrative for both parties simply because he got his feelings hurt. If that were the case, why not simply retire instead of move over to what can laughingly be referred to as "the competition?" No, Foley's in TNA because he believes he can do something good there. Something important. See, TNA tries to be so revolutionary that they've forgotten the basics of how to tell a story in a wrestling ring; if Foley does just one thing for them while he's there, that should be it. I'm astounded that hasn't happened yet.  This is another man who astounds me, but for different reasons. I believe it was CoLd who said something along the lines of Jacobs being a a small guy who carries himself as if he thinks he's Bruiser Brody, and that's not far off, but I see him as more of a new school Cactus Jack. This is a sadistic little man who isn't afraid to put his body on the line to hurt his opponent, who isn't afraid to suffer if it means his foe will, too. The character he has created is a hard one to like, because it combines a sadistic character with that of a believer in his own cause willing to sacrifice--and even rape--the ones he loves for it. This sort of character would never play in the WWE, of course, nor would he ever succeed there due to his size. But here's the thing--and please pay attention, because I really mean this--SO FUCKING WHAT? If you haven't stepped outside the box and ordered, acquired, or youtubed ROH, you owe it to yourself to do so. You can even create your own dailymotion account, go here and sign up as CoLd's friend and watch some of the hundreds of matches he has available. I recommend Jacobs vs. Austin Aries from Vendetta II. As I said, Jacobs is a hard character to like, but if you're an adult wrestling fan who can handle violent, obscene storylines, he is impossible to not find interesting.  I know, I know. Who? I'm sure nobody here has ever seen Mr. Corbin on television, but I hope at least some of you have seen him perform live, like my son and I did earlier this year. Like Jimmy Jacobs, Corbin will never be the largest guy in the room, but like John Cena he has an unbelievable passion for the business. How do I know? I met the man during intermission at the World Wrestling All-Stars(yeah, I know) event that we went to. He was very polite, welcoming, and appreciative when I told him he was the best there and had the best match. Despite his lack of size, he wasn't a high flyer, but he was very good at drawing large heat from the small crowd and he has a unique gimmick. See that belt buckle he's holding? He wears it to the ring and it scrolls his catchphrase, "That's how I scroll." He was so good that after seeing the show, I wondered how I'd never even heard of this guy even as an indy performer. Turns out I'm not the first internet writer to appreciate his work. He has wrestled for several independent promotions in the midwest. Dude's got talent, but he'll never be a big star. Here's hoping he can at least earn enough to make a living doing what he loves. I bought a T-shirt and autographed picture for both myself and Cody to help him along.  You know who else will never be a big star? This jackass. I've never liked the guy, and he's pretty much the WWE's latest version of "The One" Billy Gunn, but it's fair to say that Edge was also given a ton of chances before he finally caught on, so sometimes their persistence with big, muscular blond dudes pays off. I'm convinced this loser only stuck around as long as he did, though, because he was a former pupil of Shawn Michaels in addition to being big and blond. My first column after more than a year of not writing was about how the WWE should get rid of the guy, but if they aren't, the manner in which they should use him. I've never liked him, not when he was teamed with Mark Jindrak and was later managed by Jonathan Coachman as Garrison, and certainly not when he returned as a long-haired redneck with the preppy name of "Lance." The dude sucks in the ring, has no charisma, and couldn't work the mic, and all this negativity is probably starting to make you wonder what I find so fascinating about him. How about the fact that he remained in the organization after his much more talented partner--Trevor Murdoch, was given the opportunity of a lifetime to work with and learn from Chris Jericho, and screwed it up by overdosing on painkillers? Fucking dumbshit!  Speaking of dumbshits, I really wonder how long Jeff Hardy has left in his WWE career. I'm sure if he gets in major trouble again and is fired he'd have an instant job with TNA, so it wouldn't be the end of the world--just the end of his dream. A year ago, Jeff Hardy was being touted by Jim Ross as the hottest superstar in the WWE and was also riding high as the Intercontinental Champion. He started off this year in hot fashion, as well, by nearly defeating Randy Orton in a pretty damned good WWE Championship match at the Royal Rumble after winning his spot by defeating Triple H in a #1 Contender's match at Armageddon 2007. Then he seemed like a virtual lock to win the Money in the Bank match before the wheels fell off. He served his 60 day suspension, came back as a House of Fire, and was once again in a match for the WWE Championship at Armageddon, with many people apparently predicting that his crowing moment will finally come at Wrestlemania XXV. I wasn't so sure. It sure seemed to me that the right time to have had him win the belt was at Cyber Sunday, and as it got farther away from that date I wondered if his mistake at the beginning of this year was going to cost him the chance to prove himself as an elite superstar and WWE Champion. Now, of course, the enigmatic rollercoaster has his first WWE Title. What a year!  It's nearly impossible to talk about Jeff Hardy's 2008 without mentioning The Straight-Edged Superstar, because Punk won the MITB that Hardy was the overwhelming favorite for and used it to cash in the championship that the large majority of fans felt would be Hardy's by the end of the year. And yet...has it been a banner year for Punk? While he's young and there's still plenty of time for him to be built up, become a huge star, and win more championships, you don't want to have your first reign be an unmemorable one, and his really was. If you don't count Yokozuna's--and really, how can you?--his time holding the title(in the WWE) was the 4th worst in history, behind only Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton, and Chris Jericho. At least, unlike the others, Punk lost the championship without even being in the match, but doesn't that somehow make it even less memorable? I don't know, but it's amazing to me that a guy who was rumored to be in Vince McMahon's doghouse and who dropped the ECW Title to perennial jobber Chavo Guerrero at the beginning of the year, is so very close to doing what no other man has ever done--win the World Heavyweight Championship, World Tag Team Championship, and Intercontinental Championship in a 6 month span.  Oh what a difference three years makes. When he signed with Total Nonstop Action in 2005, it was because he was frustrated with what was going on with the WWE. It seemed like he was being put into a major program with John Cena and then that was ceded over to Chris Jericho instead. After being hailed as a savior upon his signing with the organization and having a pretty good run, he's been caught up in the shuffle ever since the Christian Coalition ended. Kurt Angle, Sting, Kevin Nash, and Booker T have all been elevated above him, and he's behind Samoa Joe and AJ Styles on the TNA Frontline side. It certainly seems like a good time for Christian to move back to the WWE, because his good friend(and storyline brother) Edge has won 6 World Titles within the 3 years he's been gone and it looks like the WWE plan on pairing the two, which means their eventual separation has a very good chance to lead to Christian's first major championship in the WWE. And if it doesn't? He won't be any worse off level-wise than he would have been in TNA and he'll be making more money working for a more successful promotion. So what exactly is holding Christian up from re-signing with McMahon's company?  In the Star that marked my return to the Main Page of this very website, LordsofPain.net, I made some disparaging remarks for which I believe my erstwhile Excuse The Aggravation cohost has yet to forgive me. Since then, I have seen quite a few more matches involving the Ring of Honor World Champion, and I'll tell you what: he may very well be to this age of wrestling what Ric Flair was to the old. Yes, this is the second time I've referred to a current ROH wrestler as having traits similar to legends, but building on them for the modern age. And while Nigel McGuinness is certainly more of a loner than The Nature Boy ever was, he carries himself in much the same way. He's not afraid to say how great he is, he works on one body part the majority of the match in order to set up for a devastating submission finisher, and he uses an effective offensive strike over and over. Nigel has also, though, elevated himself so that he makes the belt, instead of the belt making him. He's as much The Man in ROH now as Flair was in the NWA back in the day, and his constant mocking of Bryan Danielson only exacerbates that. McGuinness has risen to the challenge of being a monster heel in 2008 with flair. So there they are; the 10 wrestlers who I found most fascinating over the last 12 months. Two World champions, a legend, a viper, an unknown, a complete fucking idiot, two men teetering on the edge, one sadistic son of a bitch, and a man who had a year worthy of a WWE Hall of Famer. Feel free to agree, disagree, or send me your own list either by email at XanManX@hotmail.com or by clicking here if you're a member of the LoP Forums. Long days, pleasant nights Points of Light These are the shining examples of stellar work posted in the LoP Columns Forum over the last seven days: The Shinobi Series #13: Come Out and Play by Joey Shinobi Real Time With Ry P VI: A Divergence in Character by Ry P The Kaos Engine VI by Skaos Two Dope Boy$ in a Cadillac : Wrestling Gave Me The Gay by Missouri Dragon and Senor Brilliant The Northern Star will rise again. Until then... Be well
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