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Submitted by XanMan on Wednesday, November 26, 2008 at 6:01 AM EST
  "Art is not merely an imitation of the reality of nature, but in truth a metaphysical supplement to the reality of nature, placed alongside thereof for its conquest."--Friedrich Nietsche Since my much anticipated, yet never fully expected return, I have written columns devoted to who the best wrestler in the world is, why TNA is run by a bunch of fucking idiots, and my disdain at the WWE for referring to what it does as simply "entertainment" despite being nothing of the kind. All serious subjects, of course, as is my wont. I actually had(and still have) a few more topics planned along the same somber line, but my Viva La Raza package has yet to arrive, I am less than halfway through with A Lion's Tale, and the other I'm writing in bits and pieces as time--along with my heart, soul, and memory--warrant. So instead, today we're going to wander off the beaten seaway into waters less travelled. At least by your Ambassador. The same day I posted "Thinking Not Allowed," a friend was down in the dumps and asked--nay, demanded--that I write a second column as a present to him. At first I refused because I was wiped out, but finding myself with a little time on my hands a couple hours later, I reconsidered and thinking about the things I know about this gentleman's likes and happened upon a course of thought I felt would be fun to sail down. Since I had already posted the Star on the Main Page that day, I put it up in the Columns Forum from which I and my brethren all came and it has since become my most read forums column. It has also been called both the greatest column ever and a very strange Northern Star. You can read it here. I mention it because it is the column in which I busted my picture cherry and today's will be the first main page Star to receive the photo treatment. This will, as that one, also be a very strange Northern Star for more reasons than just that, for today we will stay in the realm that we all love; that of professional wrestling, yet also traverse somewhat into the realm of fantasy. This won't be a booking attempt, though, or a question of "What if..." Today will be more of a comparison type of thing. Around the time I first became a wrestling fan, there was another form of entertainment that also enchanted me: comics. It started with Spidey, moved onto Captain America and The Avengers(including the West Coast version,) and eventually rested with The X-Men. Today I'm going to tell you which current and former WWF/WWE Superstars would best fit the role of X-Men, but not just any team: the team that was when I first became enthralled with them and, coincidentally, the team that existed when they became legends.   Wolverine Since I said both current and former WWE/WWF Superstars would be included in this discussion--or list, if you prefer--I believe there's one that's fairly obvious, so that's where we start. Wolverine is famous for saying, "I'm the best there is at what I do, but what I do isn't very nice." What Logan does best is hunt, fight, and kill. I won't debate the merits of Benoit's abilities in that last category; that's an unfortunate development, but really coincidental as far as this point goes. I will say, though, that Benoit was the best wrestler in the world, which--on some level--means he was an excellent fighter. Both were born in Canada, are considered grizzled vets, and they are both smaller physically than you would expect from participants in their chosen professions. Wolverine has 3 12-inch adamantium claws on each hand, Benoit was called The Wolverine during his stint in the WWE and had claw mark designs on his tights. They both also spent time in Asia under assumed identities. Chris Benoit, of course,  wrestled in Japan as Wild Pegasus and The Pegasus Kid,  while Wolverine  operated for a time in Madripoor as Patch.  Clever disguise, that, huh? After a booking change in WCW, Chris Benoit led a team of compatriots to the WWF. Called The Radicalz, they were a short-lived team, but while they existed consisted of some of the best technical wrestlers in the world. After Professor Xavier was shot in the head, Cyclops appointed Wolverine to lead a new, covert team of X-Men. Called X-Force, they consist of the best trackers and killers in the Marvel Universe. Lastly, and most controversially, Wolverine was once a man named Logan with a wife and unborn child who were taken away from him when he was captured and had experiments performed on him. Benoit was a man with a wife and small child who appears to have suffered a mental break that took his wife and child from him. Both will likely forever be remembered for the men they became instead of for the ones they originally were. Next up is that southern belle, Rogue  Rogue has the incredible mutant power to absorb another person's powers and consciousness(or as they say in the comics, "psyche.")upon touching them, which she prefers to do with a kiss to male opponents. This transference is usually temporary, but not always. For a long time, she also had the abilities of flight, near invulnerability, and superhuman strength, which she obtained by touching Ms. Marvel, Carol Danvers, who became an ordinary human when this happened, also losing her conscious memories and emotional connection to the subconscious ones. The Ms. Marvel persona takes over Rogue's body a few times, until it's finally destroyed somehow by Magneto; and later Danvers gains some new powers and exacts a measure of revenge on Rogue by breaking her ribs. Later, Rogue(along with The X-Treme X-Men) faced off with Vargas and lost all of her powers; eventually regaining her natural ones. Then, near deaths door, she was awakened and restored by the powers of a baby, finally free of every other psyche she'd ever absorbed, and promptly stole two more things: Mystique's psyche in an attempt to kill her, and Gambit's heart. Now, obviously professional wrestlers don't have superpowers, but if there's a wrestler who is adept at stealing from others, it would have to be... The Ultimate Opportunist, Edge.  While Matt Hardy's subsequent actions had a lot to do with it, it was basically Edge kissing(and doing other things to) Lita that took Mattitude away from the WWE. He stole Hardy's woman, his happiness, and his job in one fell swoop and suddenly, Edge, who was certainly a prospect but hadn't yet exploded into a star, was one. He won the Money in the Bank match, which he used to basically steal the WWE Championship from John Cena. After eventually losing a months long feud with Cena, he stole Mr. Kennedy's MITB shot and used it to steal the World Heavyweight Championship from The Undertaker. Then he courted Vickie, the widowed, recently named Smackdown General Manager, Mrs. Eddie Guerrero, made sure Batista beat The Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Championship and stole the title from Batista. I realize there have been other heels who have stolen matches and championships, but I can't ever remember one being so adept as Edge, and of course, he "lost" his powers, at least for now, when Triple H revealed he hadn't been faithful to Vickie, and The Undertaker returned from his La Familia imposed exhile to chokeslam Edge to HELL. Of course, he has now returned, restored by the power of his baby, and stolen two other things--Jeff Hardy's title shot and Triple H's WWF Title. It's time now for a brief discussion of Rogue's former bitter enemy, now teammate, Dazzler  Alison Blaire never really wanted to be a superhero; that's just the gig she got when her decision to reveal her mutant status to the general populace got her blackballed in the industry due to the public backlash. No, what The Dazzler really wanted to do was make people happy by singing. She used her ability to transmute sound into light and became her own spotlight artist. That, along with her natural--non-mutant--gift of an angelic voice allowed her to pursue her dream of becoming a huge music star, and she displayed the kind of confidence on stage that she was never able to feel as a costumed superhero...until she outed herself and was unable to resume her previous career. Now, I gave serious thought to putting Jeff Hardy here, but really, who's the rock star among professional wrestlers? No, not the Demon. Christ! It is, of course, Chris Jericho  The former Y2J has finally gotten to a point in his life and career where he's comfortable in his own skin. He took a couple of years off from being a wrestler in order to concentrate on his other aspirations, including being the lead singer of the rock and roll band Fozzy. I've been a huge fan of Jericho since his Lionheart days in WCW, and always wondered how the suits there could not see his immense potential. I was shocked when they showed him the door after not letting him advance past the World TV Title, but when I saw how panicky and scared he looked as the Undisputed WWE Champion I realized why he was never given a bigger stage. Now after taking a couple years off, he looks better than ever and seems extremely comfortable as World Heavyweight Champion; which hopefully he'll take back from Cena at Armageddon. He could go home again, where Alison was never able. Havok  Alex Summers, like his older brother, Scott, has an alpha-level mutant ability. Scott, better known as Cyclops, is now the unquestioned leader of The X-Men since the shooting of the man who had trained him from his teenage years for the role--Professor Charles Xavier. Cyclops can shoot energy(called optic blasts) from his eyes, while Alex(Havok) absorbs energy from the son and can fire it back in channelled plasma bursts. Cyclops can only control his power through the use of ruby quartz eyewear--glasses in public, a visor when in the field. Havoc has complete comtrol over his ability, yet langored with self-doubt for awhile because he always saw himself as lesser than his brother. Their father is the deceased former interstellar adventurer, Corsair. Upon his death, Alex assumed his father's role has captain of The Starjammers. Prior to that, he had a stint as the leader of the second incarnation of X-Factor when it was under government control. He is currently a prisoner of the Shi'ar Empire. It didn't take long for me to decide which former WWF performer fits the role of Havoc to a "T." Who is a second generation wrestler with a more famous, more succesful brother that is generally considered to be the lesser physically talented of the duo? That's right. Owen Hart.  There's no doubt in my mind that if he hadn't died prematurely he would have been a world champion by now because he was so very talented; even moreso than Bret in some ways. Bret was the leader of one of the great stables in history: The Hart Foundation. Though they were short-lived, during their existence one member of the team held every strap there was at one point or another. Owen joined the Nation of Domination as co-leader with The Rock once Farooq was removed from office. Owen won the WWF European and Bret the World Title. They were both Intercontinental and Tag champs. In every profesional facet, Bret standsabove Owen, and despite his talent, like Havok, the King of Harts was always in his brother's shadow. They made that into an angle, of course, in which Owen beat Bret at Mania and became the #1 contender for the World Title Bret won the same night, but while that angle made Owen in a way, he was never really above the midcard in the WWF; he was forever trapped between the shadow his character thought he was in and the main event slot many felt he deserved. Psylocke  The above pic, of course, is of Psylocke, but so is this one.  Like Owen and Alex, Elizabeth "Betsy" Braddock also lived a large portion of her life in the shadow of her brother, the United Kingdom's very own superhero, Captain Britain. This telepath, though, began to carve out her own niche as a hero by joining The X-Men mere weeks prior to The Fall of the Mutants. After returning from a mission in The Savage Land, she sensed that the group of cyborg baddies whose base The X-Men had taken over had returned to claim it. As the team was already cut basically in half, she used her telepathic power to "convince" the remaining members into entering the legendary Siege Perilous to avoid the Reavers. By entering the Siege Perilous they'd be granted a new life; if they stayed they'd surely be killed. She emerged from it on the shores of Madripoor and was genetically altered and condition by The Mandarin to become the dangerous Asian beauty you see in the "after" pic. Despite the fact that he's certainly no beauty, I believe the person that best fits this description is Kane. The Man who plays him, Glen Jacobs made his WWF debut as:  Isaac Yankem, dds, and though he returned for a short time as the scab Diesel, the role that we know him best for is as the younger brother of sure-fire WWF Hall of Famer, The Undertaker. The WWE still does their best to make us believe Kane is a monster, but he's lost so many times that it will take a long title reign and perhaps a a miracle for us to ever really take Kane seriously as a threat again. He's not as big of a joke now as he was as the evil dentist, but it's close, and it's time for them to give him a repackaging, hopefully with the return to the mask that they teased earlier this year. Until then, his mental games are never going to work.  = Scary and intimidating = Ugly and putridThe next one is going to be short, since there's almost no backstory on... Longshot  Longshot isn't really a mutant, he was created in an alternate reality called the Mojoverse where television rules and the populace is addicted to it. His power isn't mutant in origin, instead it is magical and it's basically the ability to be lucky. Hmm, let's see, a television creation who beat the odds to become successful in the WWF? Now, who in the world could that be?  I must be one of the few wrestling fans in the world to dislike The Miz, but dislike him I continue to do, and thus I feel inclined to apologize for putting him in the select company I have. But, given his roots in MTV reality shows and that I didn't think he had a chance in hell of lasting more than a few minutes once Tough Enough mercifully ended, I have to say that he's incredibly lucky to not only still be in the organization, but to be part of the team that many consider to be the best in the world. Colossus  Piotr Nikolaievitch Rasputin is a kind, gentle soul who is capable of turning his body into organic steel and who is an artist at heart, though circumstances forced him to become a warrior by trade. I 'm torn different ways as to who comes closest to depicting Colossus. He is big and strong with a sister who he loves, but has been estranged from most of the time and who never really graduated to superhero status from her training because she either: a) Died from the Legacy Virus or b) Is ruling the demon dimension Limbo as Magik. These traits fit Umaga, who seems impervious to harm and pain in the ring and whose brother, Rosey, used to be a SuperHero In Training. Meanwhile, Festus may not be able to turn into steel, but he certainly goes from a simple, docile creature into an unstoppable monster once the bell rings. Thirdly, there's John Cena, who is undoubtedly a powerhouse(I believe Triple H has called him the strongest man he's ever been in the ring with), is an artist in his own right, though in music and not in the visual arts, and has shown himself to have very tough skin many, many times. I think I'm inclined to go with Cena here, but I wouldn't fault going with Umaga. It's pretty damned close. And now we move on to the leader of the team, Wait wait wait wait wait...no, we don't. After finishing the written portion of the column, saving it, reading the main page headlines, and going to get ready for bed, it suddenly struck me who the actual Colossus of the WWE is:  Think about it. He doesn't paint, sculpt, draw, or sing, but he certainly is a visual artist and it takes a sick, creative mind to come up with all of the things he has. Also, remember GTV? He obviously has a thick skin to have been able to survive as long as he has in the business with the limited move-set he's always brought to the table; it's his incredible psychology that made him a midcard icon. That and turning away from "The Natural" Dustin Rhodes and completely transforming himself into the vibrant, eccentric Goldust. Colossus is the son of a farmer, Goldust is the son of the son of a plumber. Also, he has a younger brother, Cody Rhodes, who is starting to make a name for himself in the business. He held the tag titles for longer in one reign(with Hardcore Holly) than all of the Hardys' title reigns combined, and appears to be developing quite nicely after what I felt was a rocky(and boring) start. And, on top of all of that? Colossus's steal skin gleams in the sun and Goldust is really quite shiny, no? Okay now we can move on to the leader... Storm  Ororo Munroe grew up as a thief in Cairo, but when her powers to control the weather started to manifest she was hailed as a God by her countrymen. She was then recruited by Professor Xavier to become part of his second team of X-Men. She had trouble adjusting to western culture at first due to being--you know--a freaking African God, but she overcame that and became an integral leader of the X-Men, eventually assuming the mantle of leadership when Cyclops left the team. Later she had her powers stripped by a shot from a weapon created by Forge, the man she was growing to love and questioned whether she was even the same person anymore and if she had value to the team or not any longer. She proved she did by besting Cyclops in one-on-one combat to retain leadership of The X-Men and eventually regained her powers from another device created by Forge. In recent times, she has fallen in love with and married the King of Wakanda, The Black Panther, T'Challa. Hmm, now, who in the world does this sound like?  Yep, The Game. I doubt Mr. Levesque grew up as a thief, and he's certainly not black, but doesn't everything else pretty much fit? He's rumored to be a big influence in the locker room and behind the scenes and if he's not now, he almost certainly will be once Vince McMahon finally steps down from his role as Chairman, thus he either is or will be at least somewhat in control of the "weather" in the organization. He assumed leadership of DX when Shawn Michaels was injured and forced to retire, and did, indeed, do what he said he was going to do. He picked up the ball and ran with it. Twice, he's had his "powers" removed from him, due to quad injuries that may have taken the career of just about any other superstar, and, of course, his weather-controlling powers are related to having married into the "royalty" of wrestling, by marrying Vince's only daughter, Stephanie McMahon. Hell, this one might be the best fit we've had since the first one. Triple H is one of the leading wrestlers of the industry, and more than fitting to lead...  Long days, pleasant nights Points of Light These actually aren't the best columns of the last 14 days, because one gentleman wrote two excellent ones, and I'd rather not plug a columnist more than once. Read both by Soren, though. You won't be disappointed. These are all shining examples of stellar work. Some Strangeness in the Proportion, Volume II by Soren The Shinobi Series #11 by Joey Shinobi Struggle For Power #80 by Degenerate Hardtime #115 by RIPBossman You can send any comments by email to me at XanManX@hotmail.com with the words "Northern Star" or "feedback" in the subject line or you can click here to leave feedback if you're a member of The Lop Forums. The Northern Star will rise again, until then... Be Well
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