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Submitted by Sean Taylor on Monday, November 24, 2008 at 3:47 AM EST
 Rey Mysterio. He sucks. Period. He may not know it but he sucks big time. How he continues to pollute my television is beyond my comprehension. I have hated him since the first time I saw him flip and flop around a WCW ring back in 1997. I know what a lot of you are thinking. “Why you be hatin’ on Rey-Rey?” Well, Guy-Who-Is-Probably-White-But-Talks-Like-He's-Black, I’ll tell you why “I be hatin’ on Rey-Rey”. Grab some food and take a bathroom break now because we have a lot of ground to cover. Appearance of a Douchebag This has a lot to do with what makes Rey Mysterio a thorn in my side. Take a look at this guy:  I really shouldn’t need to do anything but tell you to look at that picture again but I will elaborate for those of you who don’t get it. Let’s start with the contacts in the eyes. What purpose does this serve? Kane had one contact but he was burned in a fire so it makes sense. What did Rey Mysterio do to cause a need for contacts? Stared too long at a solar eclipse? Walked into a nail sticking out of the wall? Got an infection after drinking the water? No. He’s just wearing it to be cool. Do you know what you call a guy who does something that no one else does for the sole purpose of being cool? A douchebag. “I’m wearing contacts to look intimidating. Aren’t I cool?” No. You’re not. Period. You’re a douchebag mastering the art of douchebaggery. Take that shit out of your eyes and grow up. Speaking of growing up, real men grow a beard or a goatee. Since when does a patch of hair surrounding just your chin denote coolness? Either grow facial hair like a man or don’t grow it at all. The masks. Ok, I know that Mexican wrestlers wear masks as a sign of respect to their heritage and families. That I do respect and I won’t poke fun at that. However, Rey Mysterio is an American citizen wrestling in America for an American wrestling company. So as far as I’m concerned, his masks are fair game. I don’t really have a problem with the masks per se. It’s the fact that he’s wearing a mask period. We all know he unmasked back in WCW. And if I can say this as heterosexually as possible, he’s not an unattractive man. Why must you hide behind a mask? No one wears masks these days. The only other wrestlers I’ve seen that wear masks these days were The Ant Colony and the Soccer Playing Goats from Chikara or ROH or whatever. Do you know why they’re still in the less-than-minor leagues? Because they wear masks. Ok, ok I don’t have that much of a problem with him wearing a mask. I really didn’t care about the masks until he started wearing a second mask on top of the first mask. Has anyone else noticed that the mask he wears on top of his wrestling mask is a) white b) pointed at the top and c) decorated with a skull? Ladies and gentlemen, Rey Mysterio is promoting hatred and racism a la the Ku Klux Klan! And if that wasn’t bad enough, he’s giving that mask/hood to CHILDREN!!! Notice too that he only gives it to WHITE children. Come on, people this is 2008. Racism like this doesn’t belong in the world today. Let’s take a stand against the racism of Rey Mysterio! (<- tongue firmly planted in cheek. Chillax.) Let’s talk about Mysterio’s less than creative method of dressing up for big time matches. Remember “The Flash”? How about the Silver Surfer at SummerSlam 07? Oh yeah, Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer was out in theatres and he tried to cash in on its popularity. Apparently Mysterio was so out of touch that he didn’t know that the movie sucked and it tanked in theatres. Good job. But hands down the worst Mysterio costume ever was the Native American bird outfit at WrestleMania 22. How the hell does that make sense? He’s Mexican dressing like a Native American. WTF? You know, I tried to find a picture of this costume online but I was unsuccessful which only tells me that even Rey Mysterio’s fans didn’t like it. When John Cena came out as a gangster in tennis shoes at WrestleMania 22, he was in Chicago so there was at least some connection. What was Mysterio thinking? If you want to play dress up, stay in the back in the Divas dressing room. Does Anyone Have a Step-Stool? There are a lot of people who think that if you’re not at least 6’3 and at least 280 pounds, then you don’t belong in professional wrestling. Those people are wrong. Some of the greatest wrestlers ever were less than or just over six feet tall. Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, Randy Savage, Ric Flair, and Eddie Guerrero broke the misconception that you had to be the size of Hulk Hogan to be successful in the business. I am not the type of person to say that size matters in the wrestling business.  Except when I'm talking about Rey Mysterio Every time I see Rey Mysterio in his flashy, baggy pants, all I can think of is an eight year old who scored a WWE contract. It’s like a midget got zapped by gamma rays and when he gets angry, he grows into Rey Mysterio. He’s not a wrestler, he’s a speed bump. Do you know why kids love Rey Mysterio? Because they look at him and can instantly put themselves in his place. Most fourth graders are thinking, “I can be Rey Mysterio. Hell, I’m already twice his size.” Ok, ok here’s the real complaint I have about his size. The main appeal about professional wrestling is believability. The ability to suspend your disbelief and tell yourself that what you are watching is real. No matter how hard I try, I cannot believe that Rey Mysterio can defeat anyone. The fact that he has beaten Kane three times recently blows my mind. A man the size of Kane should have no problem kicking the shit out of a guy the size of Rey Mysterio. I can’t believe that if Kane picks Rey up for a powerbomb, Rey has enough weight to turn the move around into a hurricanrana. It just doesn’t look real. It’s psychically impossible. How can suspend my disbelief when what I’m watching just looks so fake? “But what about the David vs Goliath storyline? That’s a good storyline.” It is a good storyline, Guy-Who-Likes-To-Interrupt-Me-When-I’m-Writing-A-Column. But I have a very good response in the form of a music clip – response. That’s right. It’s been done. To death. By Rey Mysterio. How many times do I have to watch a Mysterio match and hear the commentators talk about him “overcoming the odds” and “being the underdog” and how “it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog”? It’s like Mysterio is only capable of one type of storyline. If anyone else was only able to pull off one type of storyline over and over and over, they’d be fired. So why oh why is Mysterio still around? It’s the same storyline time and time again. Case in point – his World Title reign. It’s no secret that after Eddie Guerrero died, the WWE was riding the Guerrero gravy train and Mysterio’s title reign was nothing but a political move to make the WWE look like they cared. No one can convince me that Rey Mysterio would have won the World title at all that year had Eddie not died. While that’s a crappy reason to win your first World title, it’s not the worst aspect about Mysterio’s reign. Every month, an opponent would be chosen for Mysterio at the upcoming pay-per-view. Then, Rey would lose every match on SmackDown and get beaten down badly. When the big title defense came around, he’d pull out a win. Then it would all start again. Set opponent, lose on TV, win at PPV. Same story, every time. He's offered nothing new in the 12 years he’s been on national television. Ugh. Boo Mysterio. Boo-urns. Don’t Cry For Me Lucha Libre Ok this is where people are probably going to start turning against me but I don’t care. It’s needs to be said, it’s time that it's said, and I’m going to be the one who says it. The Lucha Libre style of wrestling sucks. There I said it. Now, before you send me hate mail filled with Spanish curse words that I won’t be able to understand, hear me out. In Mexico, the style of lucha libre is great. It was created there and it belongs there. Outside of Mexico however, lucha libre looks more like a well choreographed dance than anything else. Two guys will start ata a complete standstill before coming together, flipping, flopping, spinning, and twirling before finally both men fall to the mat and you can’t tell who ended up taking the move and who doled it out. It looks like a Jackie Chan fight. You can tell it was well practiced and there is no sense of spontaneity at all. But that’s the point of lucha libre. Make it look cool and it doesn’t matter if it looks real or not. Case in point – The West Coast Pop. “No, Sean, don’t make fun of the West Coast Pop.” Too bad, Guy-Who-Keeps-Butting-In-While-I’m-Trying-To-Write-A-Column, I have to. The West Coast Pop is one of the stupidest moves that exist today (along with the Go To Sleep and Kofi’s hand slap dance thing). The West Coast Pop involves Rey Mysterio springing off the top rope and sitting on his opponent. This would be an effective move IF REY MYSTERIO HAD SOME WEIGHT BEHIND HIM!!! What sense does it make that Mark Henry can catch Matt Hardy doing a flying crossbody off the top rope but gets taken off of his feet from a West Coast Pop? Oh and let’s examine the 619. It named after the area code of Mysterio’s hometown. Genius. I know, let’s rename a bunch of other moves. Hogan’s Big Boot/Leg Drop combo is now called the 305. Batista’s horribly performed Batista Bomb is now the 202. Edgecution = 416. Superkick = 210. Stone Cold Stunner = 361. STFU = 978. Swanton Bomb = 919. Look at that. We’ve just turned the entire roster’s list of finishers into a Chinese Menu. I’ll have a Tombstone Piledriver with snow peas! Let’s talk about the actual move itself. Here’s the 619 in a nutshell: Drop toe hold opponent onto second rope, look at him for three seconds, point up, yell “619!”, run across the ring (which takes 10 minutes because he’s so short), bounce off the ropes, run back across the ring (another 10 minutes), grab both the top and second ropes, spin, and kick opponent in the face. My gawd, could that take any longer? It’s the Gone With The Wind of wrestling finishers. Plus in order to make the move look good, the opponent has to throw himself back like he was a Power Ranger and Eye Guy just set off little explosives in front of him. Yeah. That’s right. A Power Rangers reference. Eat that! Punishment Rey Mysterio, you been put on trial and found guilty of being an all around miserable excuse for a professional wrestler. For this, you must be punished. Just having you stay after school wouldn’t be enough. Normally, I would give you a choice. Either quit professional wrestling right now or face my creative punishment. But since I know you will never quit on your own, I’m just going to skip straight to the final punishment. You will show up after class and report to my detention room. Your first task is to write on the blackboard “Area codes are not finishing moves” five hundred times. You will then walk around in public wearing a sandwich board that says “I sit on men’s face for a living”. Finally, you are forbidden from hanging out with Batista. This isn’t really a punishment; I’m actually doing you a favour. Usually this would be the time where I would say that I am doing this to help the subject but frankly, if Rey Mysterio left the business tomorrow, I’d be happy. Rey, you’re time is coming up. Go back to Mexico, go to TNA, go home. I don’t care where but just go. Por favor, senior. ___________________________________________ Well that wraps up this After School Detention. Thanks for reading. I thrive on feedback, both positive and negative, so email me at trcowfoou@yahoo.com or drop a line in the feedback forum. I am looking for suggestions for the topic of my next History Of series. If you have an idea or a request, send me an email or post in the feedback forum. I am also looking to expand my classroom’s curriculum so keep a look out for more and different types of columns from yours truly. There will be experiments and try outs but don’t worry, the History Of will always be the main steak of my efforts here. Until next time, class dismissed.
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