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Submitted by Hustle on Friday, November 21, 2008 at 10:53 AM EST
 Good lookin out for the graphics work, Noc "If I do it on the spot, or if it takes me long, they can't stop me, even if my breaks was on.." Jadakiss drops today's intro line. People can try to stop me, and Lord knows they've tried and they've tried, but it just won't work. You can't stop me. I'm not going away. I'm going to be here, handling business. Enjoy. Welcome back to The HIPE. We're nearly a month into this daily column game, and things are still rolling along nicely. I'm the man behind the operations, and I'm the guy that niggaz hate, but they won't say a thing to me, though.. ya boy, Hustle, back in the building again. Another weekend is upon us, but before the weekend hits, we have another edition of The HIPE to get through, and, uh, I think it's about that time. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!! I think I may have officially lost my mind. There I was, just sitting and thinking about what the subject of today's column should be, and I flipped the TV on. TNA Impact was just about to start, so I kept the TV on Spike TV and watched the entire episode. Then it hit me.. an entire column about TNA. I know, I know.. it's as shocking to me as it is to any of you. To start off, I'll just do one of my quick recaps on the episode. I won't make Impact a regular weekly recap, because I don't always make it a point to sit and watch the episode, but because I did this week, you get to relive it with me. After that, we'll be going over some of the things that are wrong with TNA right now, and what I'd do to try and fix those problems if I was in a position of power. Impact.. on deck.. - If Rhino had such a problem with the Main Event Mafia beating the piss out of his good buddy, Christian, shouldn't he have actually tried to save Christian last week, instead of coming out this week to talk about it? Maybe it's just how I view friendship, but I would think that doing everything in your power to save your friend would be the thing to do. - Am I the only one that feels like Mick Foley's anger/frustration towards Alex Shelley sounds about as fake as Scott Steiner looks? Mick has always been amazing at conveying emotions in his promos, but it appears as if time may have passed him by on that one. It just sounds so forced and so scripted now. It's a damn shame, really. - What.. in.. the.. fuck.. was Cute Kip doing in the backstage segment with Lauren interviewing The Beautiful People? Was he simulating masturbation?? What the hell was going on? An even more important question is.. why the hell am I even wondering whether or not Cute Kip was performing simulated masturbation?? Let's move on. - Feast Or Fired? Dear God, no. It made for ridiculously bad TV last time, and can anybody really see it being any different this time? Why are people using this as an opportunity to say that Christopher Daniels is returning to lead the Young Lions against the MEM? What exactly says "young" about Chris Daniels? I love the guy's work, and he seems like an awesome guy, but seriously.. if he returns as the "Fallen Angel", it should be in something that has zero to do with that entire storyline. - Booker T.. defends the LEGENDS CHAMPIONSHIP against ERIC YOUNG. Riiiiight. - Velvet Sky has the single best entrance in all of wrestling right now. It's just.. hypnotizing. TNA would be getting much better ratings if they actually used all 120 minutes of Impact to run a loop of Velvet Sky entrances. Or, if they really want to pay her the extra money, they could just have her make her entrance, leave the ring, come right back out and do the entrance again, leave the ring, come right back out and do the entrance again, etc. - Homicide sticking a tampon into a fresh bullet wound and then taping it up so that he can go and wrestle = hardmotherfuckingcore. - I'm sorry, folks, but the ODB "talk show" was some of the dumbest shit we've seen in 2008 as far as wrestling goes. It was just a train wreck, and that's me being nice about it. What makes it even worse is that it all led up to the booking of a match that nobody on earth wants to see, especially at a pay-per-view. ODB VS Sharmell? Yikes. - The Joe/AJ VS MCMG match was pretty decent, but far too short for my liking. Of course, in true TNA fashion, the match itself wasn't even the main story, as the MEM came out afterwards to completely destroy everyone.. AGAIN. These guys are absolutely dominating the TNA roster, and it's been going on for a few weeks now. It's ridiculous. - Can someone explain to Rhino that he had nothing to do with building ECW? That comment damn near made me burst out in laughter, smack dab in the middle of what was supposed to be a serious motivational speech. The guy was the ECW World Champion when the original ECW went belly-up. He was the "best" of what was the worst talent roster in ECW history. Wow. That's really something to be proud of. And seriously, could TNA name any more companies on the air? I don't think we've gotten the point yet. They mention WWE at every possibly opportunity, and now we get an ECW reference. Tune in next week when Booker T mentions the GWF out of Dallas. - When Kevin Nash moves, my knees ache. - Sting, Kevin Nash, Booker T, & Scott Steiner VS AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, & Two Mystery Partners at Final Resolution? Alright, that match sounds decent, but it's never enough for TNA to just make matches, is it? They always need to come up with the dumbest match stipulations and gimmicks that they can, just to make things "interesting". If AJ's team wins, AJ becomes the new TNA World Champion. So, basically, for example's sake, we could see Samoa Joe dominate the match, spend 90% of the match in the ring, get the pinfall victory over Sting himself.. and the title would go to AJ Styles? What fucking sense does that make? - Anybody want to take a wager that Mick Foley and/or Jeff Jarrett ends up joining the MEM sometime soon? If they're going to relive the nWo days, I figure TNA might as well go all-out and have an authority figure turn heel and side with the group. It's the next step, really, and when it does happen, don't say I didn't try to warn you. All in all, this was another formulaic episode of Impact. Seriously, the company puts on some truly terrible TV on a weekly basis, and without their PPVs, where everyone from the wrestlers to the writers seem to step up, they might be one of the worst wrestling promotions that has ever been created. The fact that I watch Impact on a semi-regular basis is a true sign that I need more things to do in my life. TNA has all the potential in the world, and it annoys the hell out of me that they don't take advantage of that potential. A swarm of flies, each with airhorns, screaming "ARE WE THERE YET?!", "WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?!", "WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN WE MAKE LOVE?!", and "I WANT A NEW BARBIE PLAYHOUSE!!", all while lashing me in the back with whips and feather dusters, and spraying sneezing powder and mace in my eyes would be less annoying (you're a strange dude, Guru). First and foremost, you need to look at the roster, and what the company is doing with those people. As I've mentioned before, the Main Event Mafia, in theory, is a good idea. There's no doubting that. However, turning them into nWo 2008 isn't the best way of handling things. Sure, when you put five of the biggest names in pro wrestling history, they're going to do well, but what TNA is doing is burying their own roster. The MEM has been around for about a month now, and the most vulnerable they've looked in that time was last night, when Rhino gored Kurt Angle at the end of Impact. That's it. That's really the worst those guys have looked thus far. Their domination makes 2008 Triple H & 2006 John Cena look like complete jokes. I think that, given the history of WCW & the nWo, TNA should do everything that they can to try and steer clear of any possible comparison that can be made between both groups, because things are starting to look eerily similar. As I mentioned earlier in this very column, I don't understand why TNA can't just book matches and use the people in the match as the main selling point. No matter the match, they feel the need, for some unknown reason, to slap the dumbest match stipulations and/or gimmicks onto the match, putting all of the focus on the stipulations/gimmicks instead. This would be a problem even if the ideas they come up with worth half-decent, but they're just.. not. Having a Battle Royal that starts on the outside of the ring? Stupid. Having an 8-man tag where the World Title is on the line, but only one man on each team is eligible of winning the belt, no matter who is involved in the decision? Stupid. Having to climb in a caged jungle gym and escape through a little hole at the top of it? Stupid. A PPV where every match takes place inside of a cage, and some matches have added stipulations on top of that? Stupid. It's all just plain stupid. You have good enough wrestlers, TNA. Make them the centerpiece of your events. If you know that you have two hours of TV time per week that you need to fill up, there's no need to try and fit six hours worth of material in there just because you can. Guinness isn't going to send their people out to the Impact Zone to give TNA the record for "Most Pointless Garbage In A Single TV Show", but I'll be damned if TNA isn't trying to set the record anyway. There's too many backstage segments and interviews. There's too many "comedy" segments that only the writers think are funny. There's too many matches that don't last as long as The Undertaker's entrance on Smackdown every week. There's too many things involving Jeremy Borash's completely worthless overacting self. I understand that the company would want to have more wrestlers appear on Impact because they don't have other shows to appear on, but goodness gracious, they need to learn how to slow things down a bit. Speaking of Jeremy Borash and his overacting, it seems to be something that has rubbed off on everyone involved with TNA, from the wrestlers to the announcers to the backstage people. I don't quite know why that is. It's like a bunch of lemmings, seeing someone else do something, so they wind up doing it, too, sometimes subconsciously. It starts with Mike Tenay & Don West on commentary. Tenay is from the WCW school of announcing, where you must hype every single thing as the greatest event to ever take place in history, wrestling or not. Don West, on the other hand, is legally insane, and sounds as if he's trying to sell 1990 Upper Deck Wax Boxes 24/7. Jim Cornette is world famous for his fast-talking, loud-speaking, and overacting ways. This trickles down to the wrestlers, who then go on to cut promos and sound as if they're teenaged kids practicing their wrestling promos in the bathroom mirror. Their "angry" promos come across laughable, and their "funny" promos come across awkward and barely watchable. Rhino's "motivational" promo last night sounded like he was becoming the thing he had made fun of the MEM for earlier in the night.. someone who was afraid to let go of the past, of their spot, etc. He sounded like he was in the middle of shitting himself on a few different occasions. TNA is like Bizarro Land for promos. Whatever emotion a promo is supposed to get you to feel, it will make you feel something else completely. Their fans are, quite possibly, the single most annoying group of people alive today. When people try and defend TNA in a public place, whether it be on YouTube, on message boards, or in columns, it says more about them than they could ever know. Seriously.. you people are out of your fucking minds. For any TNA fans reading this right now, I have a challenge for you.. go to LoPForums.com, head to the Columns Forum, and post a column about why you enjoy TNA. Oh, and do me a favor when you post the column.. make it as descriptive as possible. "ZOMG Bcuzzz AJ Stylez iz teh winnarz~!" will not be accepted. I'm challenging the entire TNA fanbase to change my mind. Please.. someone step up to the plate and take the challenge. If I was suddely placed in charge of TNA, I'd probably cry, first and foremost. To be in charge of taking on that clusterfuck doesn't sound like something very fun, but for you.. my readers.. I shall pretend to be the man in charge. First, I'd trim some of the fat on the roster. Goodbye, Shark Boy. Goodbye, Cute Kip. Goodbye, Lance Rock. Goodbye, Sonjay Dutt. Goodbye, Eric Young. Goodbye, Christy Hemme. Goodbye, Rhaka Khan. Goodbye, Jacqueline. Goodbye, BG James. This makes it somewhat easier to have a normal show's worth of material every week. From there, I'd make sure that Mike Tenay & Don West are allowed to be more natural when they call matches. No more reading off of scripts. Yes, I'd keep them both around. Tenay, behind all of his lame faces and phony toughness, is a Wrestling Encyclopedia, and that really helps when he's trying to put over younger talent. West.. well, I'm a big sports card fan, and I'd need to keep someone around who can get me good deals. I've been looking for a 1988 Fleer Wax Box for a while now, and if anybody knows where to get one, it would be Don West. Next up, get rid of Jeremy Borash as an on-air personality. He's proven that he can be valuable with his behind the scenes work, so that's where he'd stay. Lauren Thompson is actually more entertaining as a backstage interview, and she's a whole helluva lot better looking than Borash is, so she gets the job. It wouldn't be a very important job, though, as I'd try to keep the backstage segments to an absolute minimum, as I'd like the focus to stay on the in-ring product. That sounds like a common sense type of thing, but TNA seems to disagree sometimes. When that's done, I'd try to accentuate the strengths of members of the roster. There are a bunch of guys that can flip and fly around really well. There are some mat wrestlers with serious skill. Focus on that. If AJ Styles faces Kurt Angle, they're both good enough to go out and have a normal match against each other. They don't need 47 different stipulations to their match. They don't need to be inside of a cage, while being blindfolded, and shackled as they try to find the antidote to the ebola that was just injected into their necks. This is pro wrestling, so let those pros wrestle. Simple, isn't it? I'd move Impact around, instead of having it from the Impact Zone every week. If the money is that big of an issue, then I guess we could just move it around the state of Florida. There are numerous places in Orlando alone to hold the show, but we could move it to Tampa, Miami, Jacksonville, Tallahassee, etc. If the money isn't that big of an issue, then damnit, let's get the show to other states. Keep it in smaller arenas, of course, but move to other places and other venues, just to keep things fresh, and so I wouldn't have to see the same fucking people in the audience every week, usually wearing the same clothes every time. That's really frightening when you stop and think about it. It wouldn't matter if it was RoH, FIP, PWG, or someone else, but I'd try and get some sort of a working relationship with one or more of the "bigger" indy feds in this country. At worst, it could be a way to help some of TNA's lower-level talent get themselves put over. Someone like a Consequences Creed could use the help in getting over. He can't just come in, have his first appearance, and start beating established names. The guys from FIP, PWG, etc could step in and help out in that regard. As far as the full details of the working relationship would go, that could be worked out in contract negotiations. I'd tell everyone to slow down, relax, and just take things easy with their promos and their matches (for the most part). Even in a situation where you have two X-Division guys facing each other, there needs to be some sort of a proper pacing going on, or the match is just a blur of spot after spot that nobody will end up remembering by the end of the show. I'd try and reach out to Jake "The Snake" Roberts, to see if he had any interest on coming in as some sort of an agent to help teach these young wrestlers all about pacing and psychology. It isn't doing this move or that move that makes matches click. It's why you're doing this move or that move. There's not a better person, dead or alive, to teach the younger generation that than Jake Roberts. Obviously, he'd need to be on some sort of a short leash, but that would be a bridge we'd cross when we got to it. I'd do everything in my power, short of offering complete creative control, to prevent Christian Cage from becoming a member of the WWE roster again. The same goes for Kurt Angle, Rhino, and anyone else who has been mentioned in recent reports of having their contracts expiring soon. The last thing TNA needs is to start losing some of their biggest stars back to WWE, especially if it's all happening one after another. Free gas for a year. A Ruth's Chris gift card. Something.. anything to keep them from leaving. I'd even beg, if I had to. I can't believe I just said that. I honestly think that if TNA were to use some of those ideas, they'd be on the right track to becoming some sort of legitimate competition for WWE. They're still a long, long, long way from being neck-and-neck with Vince & Company, but they've made a start, have stalled out a bit, and could get another boost by listening to me. Jeff Jarrett.. seriously.. give me a call. You've got my number, now make use of it. Let's get this on and poppin. Click Here For The HIPE & HIPRN Archives What Hustle Is Listening To Right Now: "Hustla" by Cyssero, Clyde Carson, & Akon.. "What's Beef" by The Game & Ya Boy.. "The Cypha" by The Game, Ya Boy, Jay Rock, K Dot, Dubb, & Juice.. "We Out Here" by The Game, Ya Boy, Clyde Carson, Juice, & Lil Mo.. "Rollin" by Juice & The Game Another one is now wrapped, packaged, and ready to be shipped out for the fiends. I apologize for the entire column being about TNA, folks. You know that won't be happening again, unless something stunningly amazing happens in the world of pro wrestling. I'm just sorry for putting you all through that. For those of you who are still with me here, I applaud you. You people already know, but.. Believe The HIPE. It's real. I'll be back tomorrow.. same Hustle time, same Hustle page.. with another banger. Keep your peepers peepin, but don't keep Brian Peppers peepin. Dude's straight scary looking. Until we meet again, from Colt Brennan's home away from home, I bid you farewell. Aloha and Mahalo Nui Loa. "I'm exceedin expectations, you barely meeting quota.. I give it to em straight, you cut it with baking soda.." Hustle HIPRNFeedback@gmail.com 
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