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Submitted by SkittleZ on Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 1:57 AM EST
Money, fame and respect (and God more recently) have been in Steve Borden’s life for the past 20 years and rightfully so. He has done it all in the industry; he’s been a star, has done the tag scene, has been squashed, held championships and has worked the mid card. He’s worked with everyone, from a Pre-Mankind Mick Foley, to a pre-Paralyzed Lex Luger to a post-Hip replacement Hulk Hogan. But one can not build the second story of the house if one has not set up a proper foundation first; so we will begin at the beginning of the saga of the man known as Sting. The son of two King Scorpions from Madrid Spain, Steve Borden was born in 1960 and was the 4th of 8 hatchlings in the Borden family. But heavy burdens and expectations have been placed on young Steve ever since he was born; born with the physique of a god and the athleticism of a black guy, Steve was not only believed to be going places; he was expected to. What made him stand out in the eyes of his family was that at age 9, he had his poisonous stinger removed, instead choosing to rely on his instincts and natural fighting ability, which is why he gives those awkward looking chops that make him look off balance. Steve would often go on camping trips on his own, with little to no guides on how to survive in the wilderness. While this may sound foolish to some, Sting took to these challenges as a step into proving his manhood to not only himself, but to his family and to the rest of the world. Here’s an excerpt from an interview with the man himself, conducted with yours truly, back in 1999. “Oh, so I guess you’ve heard about me going nuts and going hunting and camping by myself when I was a kid, huh? LOL. Joe, for as long I can remember, I’ve always tried to be my own man, doing my own things on my own time. I can get shot in the dick right now, and die from massive blood loss, so I try to carve my own name in this world while I still can. Life is supposed to be an experience, and I see it this way; you can use guides and have people hold your hands the entire time, or you can grab life by the tit and squeeze. I’ve always thought that Cavemen were always the smartest period of humanity during our stay on this earth. I mean sure, we have electric stoves, indoor plumbing, free porn on the internet, but that’s what makes us inferior; we’re only advancing what was already out there. I wanna be one of those cavemen who’s painting on the walls were studied, and from that painting, the vibrator was invented.” At age 17, Sting moved to Pasadena, California and signed up at a local wrestling school, in which he quickly excelled. His talents have taken him everywhere, from high school gyms in Sacramento, to packed seats at the Coliseum in L.A. Sting possessed such charisma that he took his wares to Japan and the rest of Africa, and in doing so took over in what can be only be described as Sting-a-mania. At age 20, Sting had captured every title in professional wrestling, sold out every major venue globally and thus grew bored with wrestling. It was during this time that he declared himself to be a  He would not be seen in a wrestling ring for over a year afterwards. Message in a Bottle. Obviously, once he had left wrestling behind him, such a talented individual as Sting was always going to find work in some area of the entertainment industry. Music and wrestling have always gone together as naturally as salmon and ice cream, but Sting showed the world that wrestling was good for more than just prolonging the agony of the careers of sub-par alt-metal bands: recruiting a couple of session musicians whose looks were beyond the most skillful of airbrush artists (see pic below), he went on to form The Police, one of the most successful acts of all time.  In many ways, Sting’s musical career would parallel his exploits in the ring. Just as he once provided audiences with a gimmick based on a lousy and lazy facsimile of The Crow, so he would plunder the ethnic sounds of Jamaica and serve up watered-down, third rate reggae tunes to his adoring fans. Just as Sting the wrestler would perform essentially the same match, night after night, so would Sting the musician keep plugging away valiantly, trying to re-write the same tune over and over again. In addition, much of his work appears to draw on his experiences in WCW. Early hit ‘Roxanne’ is a heartfelt tribute to the sexual continence of the Nitro Girls; ‘When the World Is Running Down, You Make the Best of What's Still Around’ documents clearly the way he secured a fat contract at a time when the promotion was dying; whilst ‘De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da’ owes its inspiration to JR’s commentary style in the weeks following his stroke (or whatever it was). Don’t make the mistake of thinking that Sting was content merely to live in the past, though. With one eye on a future return to the ring ‘Can’t Stand Losing to You’ is almost prophetic in the way it captures what would become his attitude in matches against Samoa Joe and AJ Styles. Eventually, Sting tired of not having to share the limelight with two people who no-one can remember, and went solo. In need of a new gimmick, he started ripping off jazz, producing tired and lackluster albums, and thus became of interest only to those people over the age of fifty. A man like Sting, however, was not going to let such a consideration stand in the way of his success. Without any consideration for the future health of the music industry, he used his power and influence to stifle new bands and ensure that his singles still hit the top of the charts with monotonous regularity. Now ponderous, aging and slow, the fucker still won’t retire. He also did some eco-faggotry, but no-one cares about that, do they? A few words with Sting’s Dad. We know you don’t just want to hear from us and our unbiased perspective, so we’ve dug deep to bring to you people who were closet to Sting thought his career and his life. We’ve been fortunate enough to get Sting’s father, Arthro Pod-Borden, who we flew in all the way from Spain just to get some perspective on what it was like raising this great man.  Joe’s Everyday Reporter, Kyle: Hello Mr. Pod, thank you for agreeing for this sit down interview. Arthro Pod-Borden: No hay problema Kyle, es un placer. ¿Cómo está Joe? (No problem Kyle, it's a pleasure. How's Joe?) J.E.R.K.: What? AOP: Que? (What?) JERK: What? Since he was so freakishly athletic in nature and highly competitive and eager to prove his worth/manhood, Sting naturally gravitated towards sports. Young Sting had an affinity for sports, and grew to be especially fascinated with the game that has come to be known as African Handball*. So much so that in fact, he was made his middle school’s team captain after merely trying out. And since it was the sport of basketball, the game was predominantly played by African Americans, so the fact that Sting fit in like 20 inch rim was a credit to his play on the court. Here, we have a clip of him maliciously owning some Jamaican scrub by the name of Patrick Ewing, who was incidentally never heard from again:  He was so good, that he had skipped high school altogether (a first) and was drafted with the first overall pick in the WNBA Draft (also a first) by the Phoenix Periods, well before the league’s inception. Sting had such pull with the owner that he not only had the team relocated to Charlotte, but he also had them renamed…after him. For 4 very high octane seasons, Sting lead the league in points, steals, assists, rebounds and every other statistical achievement, on his way to accumulating 4 MVP awards. This is made all the more amazing, considering he often played the games by himself representing his team, taking on 5 players at once, and giving the opposing team 120 points to start the game off with, while playing BLINDFOLDED. Truly remarkable.  After dominating the league, he again grew bored with the sport and retired, still the league’s all time leading scorer to this day.
Sting Does Hollywood…and Debbie After a good deal of soul searching, the Stingy One would find himself standing on Hollywood Boulevard with the drive and determination to become the next big thing in the film industry. He had the look, the personality, the sports celebrity background as well as all of the other necessary credentials to ensure him landing the big roles in the biggest movies. Sting struggled through his first few independent films as he failed to generate a bank account equal or impressive enough to that of his fellow Hollywood neighbors. However his career would pick up immensely after landing a role in 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' and the Stephen King thriller 'IT'. Both grossed some fat coin in the box office and earned Sting a lavish pimp pad in the Hollywood hills right between Dennis Quaid and Leonardo Dicaprio. A low budget Disney musical didn't do Sting any favors but several thousand action figures of him sold out countless Toys R Us stores when the film made its way to DVD. The Stingy One lived it up over the course of the next year after starring in a Batman movie (the one with Val Kilmer) by purchasing a yacht which he aptly named 'Bound For Glory' and opening his own sports bar in downtown Los Angeles. Instead of putting it in cruise control, Sting stepped up his game and worked with world renown screenwriters to create his own movie. A little over a year later, 'The Sting' would hit the big screen and reach unparalleled levels of success at the box office. The film would garner Sting an Oscar Award and he would even go on to win a Grammy for Best Duet after topping the charts alongside Mcentire with 'Seventeen Months Of Hype And All It Got Me Was A Tainted Victory'.  Just when it appeared as if Sting was really becoming one of Hollywood's elite, a sex scandal would rear its' ugly head and put a big dent in the Stingy One's legacy. While vacationing in Boca Raton, a sex tape surfaced on the internet involving Sting and noted country singer Reba Mcentire partaking in fetish/bondage-like activities. Hundreds of copies of 'The Scorpion Death Cock' would become available on eBay and from the trunks of vehicles all across the country. Sting's lawyer had his hands full but did an extremely good job of cleaning up a lot of the mess. Several people in high places were paid off and the tapes vanished altogether after only a few months. Although Sting had put the incident behind him, his luck would never turn back around. Small cameo appearances in The Munsters and Hellraiser would gain Sting very little money or acclaim and the incoming roles ceased completely not long after. The Stingy One would pack up and leave Cali after realizing he wasn't quite cut out for the Hollywood lifestyle. Rebirth. Some say separation is what makes the heart grow fonder (or some shit like that), and this rang no louder than to Sting. Being far removed from his wrestling days, Sting had yearned for the days of touching other half naked, sweaty men, pretending to fight. So he decided to call Jeff Jarrett and tell him he was signing with TNA, although Jeff did not contact him for his services. So he went ahead and signed his own self-made contract, which included creative control, signed it and was with TNA since it’s inception. He’s undefeated at Bound for glory, which is TNA’s version of In Your House, and his record currently stands at 123-0-1, with that tie coming against himself. Closing Statements. So what have we learned tonight? “That Sting was a great, great, great man” you say. Well obviously, but what else have we been able to take away from tonight’s expose? That Steve Borden is better than any of us ever hope to be, and we should just be honored to have ever been given a glimpse of such an individual. He has a lot of detractors, some who say that he stole his finisher from Bret Hart, and whose entrance was made fun of by the Blue Blazer, also known as Owen Hart. Well to those haters, I shall address you right now. Sting is TNA Champion (which although is slightly better than being fry boy at the local burger joint but markedly below a bovine artificial inseminator) which means that he’s well and healthy. More importantly, he’s able to move on his own; without the aid of a carpet being pulled on strings on a stage during a high school reimagining of Aladdin, so Sting 1, Bret Hart 0. As For Owen, one only needs to see that Sting is still alive to tell who the winner is. Blaze was such an appropriate name for Owen’s character, since that’s what he’s doing down there in Hell. So in closing, Fuck you Bret Hart, go Sting. *credit to Slap ** thanks to aisce who delivered as always. ***partial thanks to Skittlez. Fag.  Meaty Sandwich of the Week: Meatball Sub  The only time a man should enjoy any kind of balls, the Meatball sub is a composite of Marinara sauce, grounded Sirloin meatballs, provolone cheese on a hoagie made up of whole wheat, also the only time a man should enjoy whole wheat. Don’t bother getting chips, fries, or any sort of side dish other than a tall glass of soda or a beer; this salacious gift from the heavens deserves every bit of attention and space of your taste buds. SkitZ' Colombian Import of the Week: My "Girlfriend" Evelyn  A rare breed in the states to say the least. While she may not have been born in her native homeland of Colombia, Evelyn has generations of family members who reside in the biggest cocaine distribution center in the entire world and she makes it a point to visit them on notable holidays. Evelyn is the ripe age of nineteen and looks best dressed in skimpy outfits or sexy lingerie though less clothing is also preferred. She is quite intelligent and often uses it to her advantage. Play sexual mind games and reducing a man to the point where he feels he must appease her with money or priceless gifts is just one of her many distinctive qualities. Colombian women also survive in the wilderness by attacking smaller or vulnerable prey. As far as physical characteristics, the average Colombian female comes equip with abnormally big bussoms and posterior. Much larger than most Caucasian women portray. SkitZ' Unhealthy Consumption of the Week: Taco Bell Chicken & Steak Taquitos  Ah yes. One of my favorite little cardiac delights. Many Hispanics will attest to the quality of food Taco Bell produces but I have to step in a disagree completely. These artery cloggers are a great pick me up and they come in packs of two. Depending on your mood or meat preference, you have the option of selecting either chicken or steak taquitos. While they would definitely be useful, for a lengthy road trip or late night snack, I tend to substitute them for meals. I'm not exactly sure how many calories a pair of these babies are but I usually down about eight of them per sitting. It's best not to mix these with too many other variables as it can lead to several unforeseen toilet visits. Also, taquitos don't taste so well when reheated hours later or left unattended at room temperature for more than sixty minutes. Salsa and sour cream come complimentary but I don't mess with that nasty shit. Straight up is perfectly fine with me. To email Uncle Joe, click HERE. To email aisce, click HERE. To email SkittleZ, click HERE.
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