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Submitted by anonymous on Friday, November 14, 2008 at 11:19 PM EST
  Hello and welcome to another edition of Inside The Mind. My name is anonymous and I’d tell you a bit more about myself but that would make my name meaningless. If you haven’t noticed, this is my first time as an official main page writer but I promise you an intellectually stimulating read about the really serious issues in life. Interference in a lot of TNA matches! This is really starting to annoy me. I used to enjoy lighting up a cigarette with a “Tasteful Nicotine Aroma” match. They smelt exactly like what you were about to smoke and if you were trying to quit, you could simply light up the match and get the smell which you desired so much. Sadly, they had a tendency to be over flammable and that really interfered in your use of them. It’s really irritating. 3 Years since Star was discovered dead! 3 years ago, we saw a star pass away. Even though I was never particularly fond of that star, I can understand why people are concerned and it took a while for them to get over it. Anyway, I found a report on the star which I thought was very comforting. Enjoy. http://www.spitzer.caltech.edu/Media/releases/ssc2005-14/release.shtml Clinton offered top job! It was Rikishi. He did it for The Rock. How did Rikishi manage to persuade Obama to give Hillary Clinton a chance? Why does the people’s champion want Hillary so close to Obama? Why did Rikishi listen to The Rock? Will all these questions be answers when McCain, Palin, Rikishi and The Rock fight Obama, Biden, Steve Austin and Kurt Angle at Survivor Series? Who knows?! Tune in to find out! Author’s note: The following paragraph does not feature any descriptions of me. Trying to stalk me on the below description will fail. I’m sorry. The Welsh Wrestling Fan. Get the image in your head of any normal male. After that, add about 50 pounds to it. Maybe it’d be wise to put on some facial hair. If you’re imagining him naked, his manhood will be smaller than average. If he’s clothed, he’ll be wearing a black hoodie and jeans. He’ll probably be between the ages of 16 and 30 and you should take into account his age whilst imagining him. He’ll be smiling despite having no reason to do so. Maybe he knows the secret behind eternal happiness. Maybe he’s thinking about the sheep he saw earlier. That’s the Welsh wrestling fan for you. We’re a rare breed and you’ll rarely see us on the street. Unless there’s a house show in Cardiff. In which case tons of outcasts will suddenly appear out of nowhere and queue in their masses. Everyone in Wales who has a passion for wrestling will flood into Cardiff International Arena discussing the beauty of Kelly Kelly, or how John Cena isn’t teh gay after all. They’ll all be dressed in their beautiful WWE related hoodies, t-shirts and underwear (which no one else will ever see). They’ll all be thinking about the sheep they saw earlier. Most importantly, they’ll all be happy to be with their own kind in Cardiff International Arena. But if it’s a sell out every time the WWE comes to Cardiff, where are the Welsh wrestlers? If 200 people pack into Barry Memorial Hall (capacity: 100) to see a WWE tribute act, with a version of “Scotty Too Hotty” in the main event, where are all the people mimicking it? Are they all too busy with their sheep and ale? I admit that I am, but surely there are Welsh people more passionate than me around? Surely there’s a Welsh man out there who has the faintest chance of perfecting a sport where the English, Irish and Scottish have all accomplished great things? That alone should spur them on. However, the only Welshman I’ve ever heard of in wrestling hasn’t exactly set the world alight. Look for yourself: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Welsh_professional_wrestlers. Aviv Maayan doesn’t exactly have the Welshest name you can imagine and at 5”7 tall, he’s hardly the size that any major promotion would enjoy. But at least he’s kept trying. At least he can sleep at night, knowing that he’s participating in the sport he loves. I’d even argue that the height made it a tad more impressive. Most people would let it defeat them. Not young Aviv though. He keeps on trucking. If you’re reading this Aviv, I’m proud of you. So what do I think we should do about it? I think we should start to put Wales back onto the wrestling map for the first time since the Celts lost the Royal Rumble against the Romans. If you’re Welsh and you’re reading this, head down to the gym right now. Skip the rest of the column. All I’m going to be doing is drinking wine and writing shit anyway. You need to bulk up, start exercising and if you feel ready, enroll into a wrestling school. I’m hereby issuing a call-out to all Welsh fans to work together to produce a whole generation of wrestlers. Aviv Maayan is an example to you all. Now, follow him. You could one day have a YouTube clip with a sound track. (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=y2c36zR1lVQ). I believe in each and every one of you. That was odd. I fully intended on writing about Kelly Kelly in that section. Here’s a photo of her to keep you guys enthralled. And to give me some time to find some more “revealing” pictures.  Mmmmm that was good. I think they were fake though. If you’ve seen the pictures I’m referring to, please email me immediately and confirm my beliefs. If you haven’t, please remain. Shall we start the main section thing? So, the other day, myself and a close friend were discussing one of the biggest issues that’s ever touched the WWE universe. When I said I might write a column on it, he begged me not to. He said I might embarrass myself with my naivety. He said I might make myself feel ashamed. But, I’m not going to. I’m good enough to cover this topic sufficiently after my many hours of research. I’m good enough to make myself proud of what I’m about to do. Until I sober up anyway. Anyway, it is my pleasure to discuss the issue of:  The disappearance of Val Venis has really concerned me. He hasn’t been seen for ages and no one seems to care except me. So where is he? I have numerous theories and today, we’re going to go through them. If you have reason to believe that one of them is accurate, please email me immediately. For Val’s sake. Has Kane got him? Since Kane produced Mysterio’s mask from his bag, I’ve been concerned. What if he did the same thing to Val but took something more than the mask? What if he took the whole person? What if he meant to teach him a “lesson” but the big klutz accidently made a bit more of a mess that he intended? What if Kane decided to use his Big Red Machine on Val? That’d be too much for any man to recover from. Anyway, whatever’s happened to Val, Kane is definitely a prime suspect. His track record, his current state of mind and his need for love all count against him. And if he has got Val, I wouldn’t want to be the person to get him back. Has he gone back to porn? In my most recent piece, I called Randy Orton a human rose. Well, Val Venis is a human dildo. Out of all my suspicions, I hope this one is true. Maybe Val’s simply filming a new porn movie and is taking time out to star in it. Admittedly, it may be unrealistic that any porno takes that long to film but, maybe it’s going to be one of those new, snazzy HD movies. Don’t pretend you haven’t watched one (or 10). The only big problem is that if Val had returned to porn, surely one wrestling fan would have seen it and reacted. The fact he was never a real porn star may be an issue as well. Damn. Did Big Daddy V, Mark Henry or The Big Show sit on him? Ouch. Even if Val survived such an attack, it would take years of therapy to get over. Just imagine going on the road and having to share a room with Big Daddy V (he was teaming with him shortly before his disappearance). It would probably be a disgusting and disturbing experience on its own. But what would if Big Daddy V went out for a few drinks and food and then the fat three returned to his room? What if they didn’t notice Val’s carcass lying on the bed? They would surely sit on the bed, all sweaty and smelly, resulting in an accident which no one should ever endure. That could’ve happened to poor Val. Has he simply not been used by the WWE creative team? I’m just kidding. To even mention something so farfetched would be stupid. The WWE creative team would always how to use anyone. Did he try and kill Edge? Quick history lesson. Edge had sex with Lita. Edge was married to Val Venis’s sister. Val Venis’s sister probably wasn’t too impressed with the incident. But, Edge proved he was very sorry. The two of them got back together. They probably had crazy make-up sex. Everyone was happy except Lita, who was given the label of a whore for the rest of her life. And Matt Hardy, who lost his girlfriend. And all the WWE fans, who hated that Edge could’ve done such shit. And Kane, who got a good storyline with Matt rushed because of it. And Jeff Hardy, who got less attention than Matt for ages after the incident. And his wife, whom can never truly trust Edge again. Actually, looking back, no one was happy except Edge. But maybe Val Venis was more unhappy than anyone ever told to us. What if he despised Edge for what he did. What if he was constantly thinking of ways to kill Edge? Right now, Val Venis could be in a jail cell for attempted murder. The WWE could be keeping it real quiet and we will never know anything about it. Those are the only options I honestly believe exist. Val Venis could massacred, sexed up, squashed or in jail. Or all 4. That might be good for a night out but, if he's had that for all this time, you've got to pity poor Val.  Anyway, I think it’s nearly time to wind down. We’re just going to have some Wrestlemon and then it’ll all be over. I’m pleased as well.  Always ready to battle and always looking for the opportunity to sink their teeth into you, The Blood Sucker is a fearsome creature. They’re usually found in the areas where it is most dark, hanging around with wrestlemon like themselves. However, despite this, they are always recognisable by their sharp fangs and tendency to show them at all times. They are also quite popular amongst some males who find them quite an attractive catch and think they can turn them into a powerful ally or partner. That's all we have for today. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed the lovely Welsh Ale I've consumed during its production. If you've made it this far, give yourselves a huge pat on the back.  Send all complaints to welshanonymous@hotmail.co.uk Goodnight my children.
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