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Submitted by XanMan on Friday, November 14, 2008 at 10:04 AM EST
 With XanMan, aisce, and sheepster as Stat Sheep Hello boys and girls, and welcome to ETA. Today, Cena = Sting? Gabe in a new position? Sarah Palin showing some TNA? But... We start with Turning Point, where the "TNA Originals" lost every match. Not much drama, huh? I tried (successfully, I thought) to lower my expectations for this storyline, but the events of Turning Point left me speechless. Luckily, I soon got over that and found ways to splutter out my incredulity. I understand that, if the New Blood are to triumph as they should, then the victory needs to be gradual and hard-fought in order to have any meaning, but to have the faction utterly obliterated throughout an entire PPV is just depressingly wrong-headed. When the biggest rub that they get is Nash raising an eyebrow at Joe’s ability to kick out of his finisher, then you can be pretty sure that they have been buried. Add in defeats for MCMG, Abyss, and Styles and I fail to see how they can restore any credibility to this confrontation. I suppose I shouldn’t be shocked that the one remaining wild-card factor, Christian Cage’s indecision, was also settled in favour of the ‘Main Event Mafia’. Appalling booking that confirms every ‘WCW at its worst’ cliché aimed at TNA by its detractors. Pretty much exactly my thoughts on the situation, as well. I didn't expect Sting to lose the title to Styles, but a fairly clean loss? Ridiculous. Joe being pinned twice in 4 days, and the second time because his opponent has his legs on the ropes? Equally ridiculous. And Cage should remain between factions, not being the lowest level of the Mafia because he's forced into it. This sucks. Exactly. The least they could have done is to have the wins coming only as a result of heavy interference. Now, any ‘comeback’ attempt by the New Blood will look ridiculously illogical: why would they be able to beat Nash & co in subsequent matches after having been so completely trounced this time out? It’s getting to the point where TNA is going beyond bad booking into what I can only assume is a form of self-sabotage in which the aim is to take every promising development or angle and flush it straight down the toilet at the earliest opportunity. Time and again this happens, and I find I am asking myself if there really is a glimmer of hope on the horizon. Sure, TNA has some excellent in-ring talent, but do I really want to watch on in frustration as they are buried and belittled? What is it that keeps you watching Xan? I need some reasons, because I am pretty much at the end of my tether. Nothing keeps me watching, aisce. Two weeks ago, I flipped it on for the last 45 minutes or so and saw nothing of interest. This week I watched Joe get hit with brass knucks by Steiner and pinned. Basically--on the nights I watch--what I do is sit at my computer and either read comics, columns, or maybe even watch another show I have downloaded until something I may have an interest in comes on. What would those things be? Joe, AJ, Kong, the Murder City Machine Guns, Christy Hemme, and Violet Sky. If they aren't on the screen, I'm not interested, and as I've said before, if this angle ends with the "legends" on top, I won't be interested in anything from this company ever again. That saddens me, because I bought the 2nd weekly PPV, and bought every other one basically until they moved to FSN...they've gotten much worse, to the point where I can barely stand to turn on channel 56. Let's flip it around: what would it take to get you to watch--in any capacity? During the early days of the promotion, and even through the entirety of Jarrett’s unwelcome domination of the main event, there was always the X-Division that stood apart. However moribund the main event was, you could always switch off after seeing at least a couple of high quality matches featuring the likes of Styles, Sabin, Fallen Angel Daniels and even Michael Shane. The very least they could have done is to have left things as they were. Now it feels as though the leading lights of the X Division have been moved ‘up’ the card (which is a flawed concept in itself) to be cannon fodder for the old timers. Moreover, the flashy indie stylings of old are now replaced by bog standard sub-WWE brawls featuring wrestlers like Daivari and Creed. If TNA must use their main event to feed the egos and the pensions plans of the likes of Sting and Steiner, the least they could do is give us back the X Division. If that happened, I could happily tune in to at least the first half of Impact with a sense of expectation, rather than one of morbid curiosity. As it is, TNA continue to act in a way that is, frankly, baffling. It will be interesting to see if a post-Sapolsky RoH really can secure a TV deal and challenge TNA for its ‘distant second’ spot, or if that promotion is, as some have suggested, doomed itself. Admittedly, I don't know the financial situation with ROH or why so many people think the dismissal of Gabe Sopolsky means they're closing their doors, but I certainly hope that they're wrong. ROH, to me, has been the most consistently entertaing wrestling product this year, and though they've been raided of talent in the past, this might be the most talented roster they've ever had from top to bottom. The way that their storylines and shows are structure actually would offer an alternative to the WWE, if they receive a deal, instead of trying to be the WWE, like TNA. I’m not clear on all the details either (which, of course, won’t stop me from talking about it as if I do), but I do know that RoH has been tightening the purse strings in recent months. I think people are afraid that Sapolski’s departure will result in a new style of booking, aimed at a regular TV audience, rather than their existing fanbase. Whether that’s a genuine worry about the quality of the product, or a merely elitist sentiment, I don’t know. Certainly, there are aspects of their booking that would need to be reined in if they were on national TV (one thinks of the ‘rape’ angle, and the bloody shenanigans of Jimmy Jacobs in particular). Mind you, I wouldn’t complain if they were in a position to poach some of their talent back from TNA. I think that would depend on which network they land. I'd like to seem them on FX, who courts the edgy stuff, instead of shying away from it. One rumored network is G4, who is trying to edge away from only being kids and young teens, I believe, so they may not care, either. In any case, things like that can be implied, instead of shown outright without really effecting the booking style. Do you think guys like Styles, Joe, Homicide, and Rave would return if given the benjamins and opportunity? Rave may be reluctant to get within lariating distance of Nigel, but I am not at all sure that anyone cares about that. Styles, though he has been featured in RoH, has been more closely associated with TNA, so there may be some reluctance to abandon the sinking ship there. Joe and Homicide would, I imagine, jump at the chance to re-join a promotion in which they were once the main attraction. RoH Joe, in particular, is a very different wrestler from his tame, misused TNA counterpart. Anyone who is a fan of Joe from his TNA work alone should do themselves a favour and track down some of his RoH matches. I take it that you feel that none of those wrestlers would be best served by going to the WWE? Considering the current climate, I think AJ could be successful in WWE and Joe would always have worked there, but I'm not a big fan of Rave at all and in order for Homicide to be Homicide he needs to be more brutal than he could ever be in McMahonland. So, given the choice, I think AJ and Joe should go to WWE, Rave should just give it up, and Homicide should go back and kick ass in ROH. And while we're on the subject, I think Daniels could kick ass in WWE, as well. What do you think about Low Ki getting a tryout with them? Low Ki seems to have been more trouble than he is worth in every promotion he has appeared in. That’s workable on the indy circuit where you get paid per appearance, but as a full-time member of a roster, he’s a waste of time. I agree that Styles and Joe could do good things in the WWE, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit to a very real fear that they will end up in tag teams with Kendrick and Umaga, respectively. So you're against the WWE signing Low Ki, and against them signing Joe and AJ--for different reasons. Are there any guys in TNA--that haven't been in WWE for more than a cup of coffee--that you would like to see in WWE, and think would succeed there? John Cena has already been announced as the next World Title challenger upon his return. Welcome news or kind of dumb? Inevitable news, I think. Cena has been out of the title scene for longer than the company’s top guy should be. They might as well anticipate the groans of Cena’s amnesiac detractors (who, doubtless, have forgotten that he wasn’t an invincible champion in the months prior to his injury). It’s really just another way of hyping his return, generating the positive and negative fan reactions that Cena and the WWE have learned to live with over the last few years. Really? Inevitable news, huh? I see it as exactly the same thing as Sting's returning to TNA and getting an immediate title shot. If memory serves, his last high-profile matches before injury were a loss to JBL, a tag title loss to Priceless, and a loss to Batista. He hasn't held a championship in over a year, and like Sting, his return into an immediate title shot craps all over the World Title just like Sting's did, and if he gets the victory, even moreso. Wow, I don’t even know how you can make that comparison. Sting is a fifty-year-old guy whose glory days are in the past. Having him hold the title is bad because it brings to a juddering halt any sense of progression or development within the TNA roster. Cena, conversely, is a large part of the future of the WWE. Having him outside of the main event just seems deliberately perverse. The logic of putting the company’s top man in title bouts trumps the logic of him having to work his way up from the mid-card in order to get there. The difference is clear: Sting has no business being the top man in TNA, whereas Cena has proved himself to be more than worthy of the role in the WWE. I'm comparing apples to apples, aisce. To coin a phrase, "It isn't like we're talking quantum physics, here." Yes, Cena is inarguably WWE's top man, but an argument could be made that Sting is TNA's. I wouldn't make it, but nonetheless, there are those that would. I don't know if you'll understand this analogy, but it isn't like this is Manny Ramirez coming back from injury and instantly gaining his clean-up spot back. There are people that have been feuding for months to see who the top dog is, and for Cena to just step in and get a title shot defies all storyline logic. I know the WWE are holding back Cena/Batista because they somehow think their rematch is going to be huge at Mania, but really, what makes more sense? Cena targeting the guy who put him out, or getting an immediate shot at the title after having--as I said--a PPV losing streak? A fit Cena is just too much of an elephant in the room. You can have as much feuding for supremacy as you want, but sidelining Cena while it plays out is just altogether awkward. I don’t know who this Ramirez fellow is, but I’ll use an analogy of my own. Let us say a former main pager here at Lords of Pain were to make a come back after a lengthy absence. Is it not right that their outstanding quality should secure them their old spot back? Or perhaps you think the should toil away at the back of the Columns Forum queue and let other, lesser, writers take their chance first? Um...err...I lose. Next topic. Ok then, let’s talk about Elijah Burke’s release: judicious pruning, or missed opportunity? There was a time when he looked like he could be one of the brighter stars to emerge from ECW, yet it appears a lack of backstage support lead to his disappearance from the schedule and, eventually the roster. If the reporting is true, this is an interesting sidelight on how pro-wrestling operates, don’t you think? You mean, as in, pro wrestling operates like every other business, where if the boss likes you, you're going to go places, but if you and the boss don't get along, no matter how much talent you have, you may be shown the door? Yeah. That's quite interesting. I mean, it isn't like we haven't ever seen that before with Bischoff's letting Jericho and Austin move on to other opportunities. Ouch, someone’s rise up the corporate ladder is less meteoric than hoped for. It would indeed be naïve of me to believe wrestling to be a meritocracy, but the interesting aspect of this case is not that Burke was disliked by management, so much as that he suffered when his backstage sponsor fell out of favour and was fired. Admittedly, I thought Burke was one of the more impressive of the ECW ‘New Breed’, and was surprised to see him fall off the radar. Now he really would be a good pick-up for the X-Division . . . Yes, he would be, which probably means he has no chance, and even if he is, will either of us be watching? Probably not. Right now, that division is almost as bad off as the end of the WWE Cruiserweight division. Speaking of ECW, though...in a vague sort of way...I'm watching Finley vs. Hardy as I type this and wondering how the hell Hardy can weigh one pound more than Finley. Also why Jack Swagger was teaming with Mizz and Morrison, but mostly how Hardy looks a good 20 pounds lighter than Finley, yet is listed at 236, to Finley's 235. Well, Hardy’s billed weight has always had a chameleon-like quality to it, allowing him to blend in with whoever he is fighting, as with his stints amongst the cruiserweights. Or maybe it is the announcer’s subtle way of telling him that he looks fat? Sure, why not. Mailbag! No in-studio guest this week. Instead, we've got some email to respond to. The first is from Wallz: I forgot to participate in the poll, but I think that if they unify the titles, they should just go ahead an restructure the whole title scene to be more like an MMA or boxing fed. The WWE is reportedly trying to increase the "realism" of their matches and incorporate a bit of MMA and boxing elements into their organization. So why not simply have a Heavyweight championship, a Light-Heavyweight championship, Tag Team Championship, Women's Championship, and have them all defended on both RAW and Smackdown? One of the other 3 belts (IC,US, or ECW), could be your mid-card belt, and you could have other honors to elevate someone up the card, such as tournaments (King of the Ring), specialty matches (Money In The Bank, Royal Rumble), or themed PPVs (Like the old Survivor Series matches where the survivors from each team would then face off). You might even throw a Super Heavyweight title in, just to give guys like Big Show and Khali something to fight for. And just because there's a weight limit on the Light-Heavyweight title doesn't make it secondary to the Heavyweight title. Arguably the most popular fighters in the UFC (Tito Ortiz, Randy Couture, Chuck Liddell, Rampage) have all been Light-Heavyweight champions. Guys like Rey Mysterio and Evan Bourne aren't really believable World Heavyweight champions, but they could certainly dominate in their weight division. It also opens up storyline possibilities such as a wreslter dropping/putting on weight so they can fight someone in another division, or challenge for another belt. One thing that MMA does so well is build up their lesser known guys by putting them in a high profile fight on PPV, even if there's no title on the line. A lot of times this is because the new guy has been successful in undercard bouts or has won a tournament and now is going to get a shot at a bonafide "main eventer". Then, IF he wins, he MIGHT get a shot at the champ in his weight class. This makes the titles much more credible, as getting a title shot is something special, and even if the wrestler loses, he's got his name in that main event mix. The Tag Team, Women's and IC belts could be the ones defended on TV mostly, with the Light-Heavy and Heavyweight titles reserved primarily for PPV. The champs might still wrestle on TV, but in non-title matches. That way when you get a free title match on RAW or Smackdown, it's special. This builds the legitimacy of the other divisions as they can get more time to develop their matches since they're not having to reserve time for a World title match every other week. Anyway, this is longer than I expected it to be, so I'll quit while you might still be reading. What do you guys think? -Wallz Whilst reading this e-mail, I couldn’t help but be reminded of my childhood experience of watching British wrestling on World of Sport. For those who are unaware, British wrestling in its heyday used many of the trappings of boxing to give a legitimate sporting feel to the action. This included matches being divided into rounds, the use of corner-men, referees who actually exerted authority and commanded respect, and the use of different weight classes. As is the case with MMA, it was most often those performing at the lower weights who were the most admired for their skill in the subtler arts of wrestling (as opposed to the more straightforward power style of the heavyweights). I won’t deny that I find this style of wrestling to be appealing in its ‘authenticity’, but at the same time, I recognise that it was very much of it’s time and place: part of a long-standing tradition, and heavily reliant on the preservation of kayfabe. It pretty much flies in the face of practically everything that the WWE is built upon, which is to say the quintessential American values of ‘bigger is better’ and prizing spectacle over realism. For these reasons, anything other than the catchweight main title is always going to be the poor relation, no matter how they promote it. There is a fitting simplicity to the way the WWE is currently structured, a ladder of progression for wrestlers via the US, Intercontinental, and ECW titles. While a light-heavyweight belt would provide an alternative for wrestlers like Kendrick or Bourne, it would be completely irrelevant to, say, a wrestler like Koslov who, under the proposed system, would only have the top title to aim at. I can’t help but think that the ideal solution was hit upon by TNA with the creation of the X-Division: a parallel title with no formal limitations, but which showcased a different style of wrestling to that contained in the main event (or, at least, it used to). Seeing as the issue was mentioned in passing, I must say that the recent murmurings about giving the WWE an injection of MMA-style verisimilitude also gives me pause. MMA itself treads a fine line between entertainment and sport, as is illustrated by the largely negative reaction to UFC 90 (derided for being somewhat dull) and, more worryingly, by the rumours that Seth Petruzelli was paid a bonus to stand up and box against Kimbo Slice, rather than take the fight to the ground where he would have an obvious advantage. Though kayfabe is long dead, the pre-determined nature of wrestling is accepted because it is (or should be) a means of controlling what happens in a match in order to provided entertainment to the viewer. Legitimate sport, on the other hand, must accept the downside of not being able to do this: that sometimes matches will be short and/or unsatisfactory for the spectator. Trying to influence sport to provide more entertaining outcomes wrecks its reputation, and by the same token, imposing pseudo-legitimacy on a scripted entertainment runs the risk of diluting the spectacle and insulting the intelligence of a post-kayfabe audience. All I really have to say in addition to that is that by deleting the midcard titles and tag titles, you are really giving most wrestlers nothing to fight for unless you scrap half the roster and go back to the way it was before the WWE assimilated WCW and eventually split the brands. Alternatively, they could have one show devoted to heavy(and superheavy)weight wrestlers and one devoted to light heaviews with a single's and tag title for each. Actually, that sounds like it would be kind of fun to watch. As for the women's title, it's been shit for years and I couldn't care less if they completely scrapped both divisions. Let the promising ones be valets or managers, and the other ones go do softcore porn or something. Our second letter comes from that most amazing of thespians, Matt Damon: Excuse the aggravation. Well after reading that delusional verbiage you pass off as a column, I just might... Asking Bret about the Pain may not be relevant to some people but apparently for a lot of people his book is fabulous read and is already on NYT bestseller list ..quite an achievement given that he isnt on the roster, hasn't wrestled for 9 years, the WWE machinery isn't behind promoting it with an evangelical fervour, and wrestling isnt close to what it used to be. Also books on Obama, economy and iraq are doing the rounds and still he manages to make the list shows that he has something to say that everyone wants to hear. But wait.... you don't think that's relevant right? Even though one would say the same for your 'columns'. You see.. -being a good technical wrestler one would say that some might ask him about Brock who himself is quite technically sound. ' -they worked for the same guy -both were heavyweight champs But you dont get that because when you talk about it noone really gives a damn.. do they? But as you can see you are no Bret Hart. Just because people dont listen to you when YOU say it doesnt mean its not important. It's just YOU.. Hope you got that before you embarass yourself again. To which my response is, "Bwahahahahahahaha!" I really can’t add to that. Matt Damon: comic genius or gibbering mental patient? You decide. Role Play Okay, Aisce, you're The Instant Classic. Do you think you'd get a main event spot if you moved back to the WWE, now that you're a two-time TNA Champion? Well now, let’s see I pride myself on being something of a thinking man’s wrestler, so let’s do some calculations. . . it took Booker T one year per Championship held to finally get a top title in the WWE. Now, considering the relative prestige of the TNA belt, and the fact that’s existence is unlikely to be acknowledged, by my reckoning I should be winning the title from Randy Orton Jr sometime around 2045, probably after losing on 5 consecutive PPVs to Aurora Levesque. You are Sarah Palin. You’ve lost the election, been found guilty of abusing your power as State Governor, and now you are being offered an all-expenses paid trip to Final Resolution. Could things get any worse? Why, aisce, dear. whatever do you mean? There's no such thing as bad publicity. In 4 years, or maybe 8, I will be sitting in the catbird seat as a known quality ready to assume my rightful place as the first female president in United States history. Matt Morgan hitting me with his Carbon Footprint can only help propel me towards this glorious legacy. You're Gabe Sopolsky. Gabe, if offered creative control of TNA, would you take it, and what would you do with it? Control of TNA? I guess in the unlikely event that my ‘Guide to Becoming a Pro-Wrestling Booker’ isn’t a soaraway bestseller, I guess I could do it. Trouble is, there’s so much to fix: for example, why are all the homegrown wrestlers being squashed by old WCW refugees, when they should be being buried by undercard NOAH talent? Why aren’t there a series of viral videos documenting the day-to-day lives of Beer Money? Why hasn’t Eric Young eviscerated MCMG on live television as yet? I can see I’ve got my work cut out for me . . . now, where did I leave BJ Whitmer’s phone number . . . ? You are Scott Hall. Since when have you been a Juggalo? [Looks at Wiki to make sure he knows what the hell a Juggalo is...] Yep, just what I thought. Esse, Razor been Juggalo since Juggalo was built. Hey yo, why isn't you a part of Juggalo, bro? You no like the Faygo? Stop bein' such a hater, you British pansy. How about if I drink you under the table, you promise to support anything ICP? How about that, chico? You want some Latino muscle watching your back? All yous got to do is join up. Don't you want to be down with the ICP Revolution? Stat Sheep "It isn't like we're talking quantum physics, here." -- Xanman Oh, but we are. See, quantum physics is all about uncertainty. We all know that light comes in waves. Everyone learned that in school. If you really paid attention in science class, you'll remember that it's part of the electromagnetic spectrum of waves. Unfortunately, that's not exactly true. Scientists were confused by light for years. It reacted differently with different things on a microscopic scale. They were confused until some bright spark (heh) came up with the idea that light is made from particles. And waves. At the same time. It's all rather confusing. A crazy guy named Erwin Schrodinger came up with a famous thought experiment to show that these weird quantum effects could theoretically apply in the real world. Schrodinger started by putting a cat in a box for an hour. Also in this box was a radioactive particle that, over one hour, had a 50-50 chance of decaying. If it decayed, it would release cyanide gas and kill the cat. The idea was that you didn't know if the radioactive particle had decayed or not. It was in a quantum state. As a result, you didn't know if the cat was dead or not. The cat was also in a quantum state. Both alive and dead. At the same time. You can only know the outcome once the hour is up and you look inside the box. You then either have a bemused Burmese or a lot of explaining to do to your neighbour. How does this relate to wrestling, I hear you cry! Well, replace the cat with John Cena. Then replace the box with surgical rehabilitation and replace the cyanide gas with crowd reaction. You explained, quite rightly, that Cena wasn't that awesome when he left. He was coming off the back of a big PPV losing streak. But while John Cena is in surgical rehabilitation, it's impossible to know if he's awesome or not. He is both awesome and non-awesome at the same time. It's only once you let him out of the box that you can possibly know either way. And as aisce said, John Cena isn't a cat. He's an elephant. If it turns out that he's non-awesome, fair enough. But an elephant-sized amount of awesome is too much to waste on some revenge feud. That amount of awesome must be unleashed in a main event title match. Whether he wins or not though... that's another thought experiment entirely. One of the world's greatest physicists, Richard Feynman once said "If you think you understand quantum mechanics, you don't understand quantum mechanics." I'd like to paraphrase him. "If you think you understand WWE booking, you don't understand WWE booking." We're almost out of time now, so it's off to The Big Finish! Big Finish Kenny Chesney is your Country Music Association Entertainer of the Year. Good choice? I find music awards to be a strange concept in themselves. Their sole function is as a marketing tool used to drum up interest and sales. I’m sure Mr Chesney is as worthy a recipient of a few more dollars in royalties as anyone else would be. Apparently, it is now possible to make synthetic diamonds from cheap tequila. With the US hit by global financial meltdown, will Mexico emerge as the new economic power in the region? Nah. If people around my area are willing to risk their health and those of their kids to take Sudafed and a few other chemicals and cook up some crystal meth, I'm sure they'd be more than willing to give diamond making a shot, and tequila's available at any liquor store. Aside from Obama's win and Palin's self-destruction, the biggest story from election day is Proposition 8 being passed, effectively overturning gay marriage in California. If you could have, how would you have voted? Voting on this is democracy gone too far. Sometimes the legislature needs to have some balls and make the decisions the were elected to make instead of ducking controversial issues in this way. I’m not gay, I don’t know any gay people, and I have no concept of their lifestyle, aspirations, and struggles, and yet I would get a say in whether or not they could be married? Ridiculous. By any other name, this is just a poll of people’s prejudices. Gay marriage does no harm as far as I can tell (except to the sensibilities of the intolerant and the unhinged), so why not allow it? A new medical study has concluded that ‘love handles’ are an indicator of a considerable increased risk of premature death. Should readers of ETA be worried? I probably still have a good 20 or 30 years, so they don't have to fret about losing their favorite co-host. I appreciate your concern, though. I meant, should ETA readers worry about their own health? You obviously have them down as a more caring bunch than I do. Smoke yourself thinner: that’s my top tip for healthy living. Ah, you're calling our audience fat, out of shape, uncaring assholes. Way to generate readership. Well, all except Matt Damon. He’s a god amongst men. Speaking of godliness, there's nothing like a nice, cold glass of Coca Cola, is there? All colas taste the same to me. I still haven’t figured out exactly what they taste of though. Burnt sugar? Give me a nice cup of tea, any day. Tea's all well and good, but don't you ever want something cold? Dole Strawberry Kiwi juice satisfies all my cold drink needs and gives me that early-onset diabetes which I crave. So, instead of cooked sugar you're going with the straight stuff? Works for me. That's all we've got. We'll try to do better next time. If you'd like to send feedback to XanMan Click Here If you'd like to send feedback to aisce Click Here To email feedback to both of us or to send topics you'd like us to cover next time Click Here or if you're a member, in the LOPForums. Well, folks, that's all we've got. We'll try to do better next time.
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