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Submitted by XanMan on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 at 9:07 AM EST
 "Hypocrisy can afford to be magnificent in its promises, for never intending to go beyond promise, it costs nothing."--Edmund Burke I guess it's finally time to give up the ghost, because after all, I'm the only one who hasn't yet. It's time for me to finally face facts and acknowledge publicly that the company Trav started watching and got me into doesn't exist anymore. Everything I loved then about the WWF is now gone; it's not even called the WWF anymore, and of course, it hasn't been for years. I've been the carrier of the WWF flame ever since I first signed up to write for Lords of Pain back in July of 2003, but now I think it's time to take the torch on which that flame reigns and dip it into a lake. Many have asked me over the years why I still referred to the organization as the WWF instead of the WWE, and it's always been hard to put into words. It's not because I hate pandas, as some have said, nor is it simply to have some kind of gimmick. My "gimmicks" are plainly spoken, and plainly speaking, right or wrong, like it or not, I'm confident enough to believe that I'm the best writer in the history of professional wrestling columns. One with that level of confidence--or arrogance if you prefer--doesn't need to pretend to have a certain belief in order to develop himself some kind of gimmick. I call myself by two monikers--The Ambassador of X because I bring the "Xan view" to any topic and Your Captain because I see this column as a ship always on a constant journey with you, reader, as my passenger. The other thing I'm called, and my "title" on the Forums says "...Legendary", is because other people started calling me a legend, not me. Ego stroking aside, none of these are gimmicks that require me to refer to the Vince McMahon-run organization as the WWF or the World Wrestling Federation. That's something I've done because that was the organization as I grew up on it, and because I hate that a frivolous lawsuit ended up winning the day. While it's true that both World Wrestling Federation and World Wildlife Fund have the initials "WWF," I find it extremely hard to believe that anyone actually ever confused the two. One has a bunch of guys pretending to fight each other, while the other does a whole bunch of environmental bullshit that I, for one, couldn't give a fuck less about. The argument is meritless if you're a logical person, which obviously is not the sort that presides over tthe British court that ruled the opposite way. Even if it's true that the organization once had a case--a situation which, as you can tell, I find incredibly unlikely--changing their name should have caused that dispute to no longer be valid. The agreement they supposedly had to limit the WWF's marketing internationally makes little sense when the World Wildlife Fund decides to maintain that name in the United States and Canada, but then call themselves The Worldwide Fund for Nature everywhere else, yet is disputing that the wrestling company was marketing themselves as the WWF internationally. While I have nothing against the actual animal that is commonly referred to as a panda, I have a lot of distaste for the organization that continues to use a panda for its symbol because their methods make little sense. I'd really like to know how an organization that supposedly has the mission "to halt and reverse the destruction of our environment" justifies the decision to spend what was likely millions of dollars fighting to make sure another company--that in no way traffics in the same arena--no longer uses the same initials they do. One would think that money would be better spent on cleaning something up...perhaps the shit inside their brains. I suspect that the actual reason they went after the World Wrestling Federation was not really because they thought there was some kind of injustice being done or unfair business practice being leveiled by the other company, but rather because they knew the pockets of Vincent Kennedy McMahon were quite deep. Yes, friends, I'm suggesting that the WFN only went after the WWF because of (gasp!) money. Shocking, isn't it? Not so much, really, when you consider the fact that the WFN filed a lawsuit alleging $360 million in damages, and in this justice prevailed as they lost both the decision and the appeal. The WWF had appealed the earlier(wrong) decision by the court that they were to cease and desist using the WWF initials, but never followed through with the appeal and instead decided to abide by the court's decision and change their name to the WWE so that they had intitials to use, rather than having to go by the long form--they even came up with a catchy slogan "Get the 'F' out." It seemed the prudent move given the earlier decision by the court, but I hated it because it would have been so easy to simply change back to their original name of The World Wide Wrestling Federation. "There are dark shadows in the world, but its lights are stronger in the contrast."--Charles Dickens Simple, but as I realize now, undoubtedly incorrect. The WWE isn't about wrestling anymore. It would be easy to say something snarky like "I don't know that it ever was," but that wouldn't be true. I remember watching Bret Hart wrestle Shawn Michaels to a time limit draw in an IronMan Match at Wrestlemania XII, I remember Jake Roberts' feuds against Ravishing Rick Rude and Ted Dibiase. I remember Rick Martel taking on Tito Santana, and Curt Hennig against Kerry Von Erich. Ever since Vince McMahon purchased the World Wide Wrestling Federation from his father and shortened its name by a W, he's been about bringing wrestling mainstream, about making it into a collection of bodybuilders, and about making his company into a national--and then international--force and money making machine, but that doesn't mean that he took the route of deemphasizing wrestling. If he had, I may still have been sucked in by the spectacle that was Hulkamania, but I certainly wouldn't have stuck around all these years; in fact, my interest probably would have waned at around the time The Ultimate Warrior was ruling the roost. No, what Vince did was temper one with the other. For every Hulk Hogan, King Kong Bundy, or Andre The Giant, there was a Randy Savage, Ted Dibiase, and Tito Santana. Whether that was out of necessity or not, who knows? As Tito(not Santana) wrote a few weeks back, it used to be that the more naturally strong type of guys became professional wrestlers, not the well-sculpted type that excelled in bodybuilding, so maybe it took time for Vince to get all the huge, 6-pack type of guys he needed for his vision to continue, but the point is that there was some substance to what he was selling, even if it wasn't in the main event. I'm not going to sit here and say that Hulk Hogan wasn't terrific at what he did--of course he was. But, what he didn't do for the organization was wrestle. That was left to the lower tier guys, and is part of the three-ring circus approach to the business that McMahon used and that I admired for years; still do, to be honest. Rey Mysterio has never been considered a draw(except to the Latino market,) but I guarantee that he does bring people in, because there are people out there that don't enjoy two brutes beating each other up. I, for one, don't mind watching all three rings; or at least two of them, as I've never been one for midgets and until TNA showed in the last year or so what women's wrestling can truly be like, I've never enjoyed women's wrestling much at all. I'm not going to use the ridiculous phrase "No homo," except to say that I'm not going to use it. I'm not gay, I enjoy watching women writhe around as much as the next guy, but I'd prefer them to be naked, not pretending to fight. No, I prefer my wrestlers male, thank you very much. But, I don't tend to care what size these guys come in--if they can go, they can go. While Bret Hart is my favorite wrestler of all time and I said for years that Chris Benoit is the best wrestler in the world, I was also a huge fan of The Rock before his ungrateful ass sold out to Hollywood, and not even the biggest Rock fan would say that he was an outstanding technical wrestler. No, he was adequate in the ring, and he could certainly tell a compelling story, but what Mr. Johnson was best at was working the mic with humor and whipping the crowd into a frenzy with his passion and whit. Like Hogan before him, his charisma was larger than his moveset. Recently it was suggested by Mighty Casey(whose piece I included in the previous Points of Light) that the current state of "wrestling" we see in the WWE is the result of the popularity of the style exhibited by Stone Cold Steve Austin during his run at the top of the promotion. I don't happen to agree with his position, as I think the style that Austin used--and Johnson did later--is akin to what Hulk Hogan was doing in the 1980's and early 90's. The difference has been that almost the entire promotion uses this now, instead of there being variety across the board. Where in the past the WWF brought talent in from other companies--WCW, USWA, World Class Championship Wrestling, the AWA, even ECW and made them into "Superstars," they allowed the performer to work their style and adapt it to their opponents'. That's no longer the case. Now no matter how successful a wrestler has been with another promotion, they are sent down to a factory to be deprogrammed and reprogrammed before being sent up to the show. And what a show it has become, friends! The most common maneuvers are punches and kicks, piledrivers are outlawed, and promos are scripted by people who couldn't succeed in television. "The pretty fellows you speak of, I own entertain me sometimes, but is it impossible to be diverted with what one despises? I can laugh at a puppet show, at the same time I know there is nothing in it worth my attention or regard."--Mary Worley Montagnu So, of course, it is now when nothing could be further from the truth for the majority of the employees on the roster of the last big organization in professional wrestling that they will no longer refer to what the stars of the organization do as "wrestling" or even "sports entertainment," but rather simply as "entertainment." and instead of referring to their performers as "wrestlers" or "superstars," they are now to be known as "entertainers." Well, I ask you, if that is the case, why should you or I continue to watch? Are we fans of "entertainment?" Well, yeah, likely we are. I know that, I, for one, enjoy a lot of different forms of such. I am a big fan of all kinds of music, be it country, rap, pop, rock, metal, or classical. I enjoy a good movie every now and then, and I am a big fan of television shows because they let you follow the life of a character more closely than any movie or series of movies will. I despise hockey, but love baseball and basketball, follow football on an abstract level, and enjoy both a good tennis and soccer match at times. Golf and NASCAR? Convince me they are sports and I'll tell you exactly what I think of those debacles. I even like going to plays and the circus when they're available and affordable. So, yeah, I enjoy entertainment, but I don't see how Vince McMahon has the right to simply call what his organization promotes "entertainment." I mean, yeah, he owns it, he can call it whatever he wants. Though it wouldn't be at all accurate, he could call it a blueberry picking contest if he wanted to. Just because he can call it whatever he wants, though, doesn't give him the right to. I hated wrestling being called sports entertainment, but I tolerated it because it fit in some ways. Professional wrestling isn't really a sport because everything is scripted, but the performers in it do have to be exceptional athletes; as well as pretty good actors, and it is damned entertaining to watch. For years when people said Chris Benoit was boring because he wasn't entertaining, I would reply with "he's an outstanding wrestler, wrestling is entertainment." Now that statement appears to have come back to bite me, courtesy of Vince McMahon and his motherfucking greed. What I meant, though, is that wrestling is a form of entertainment, not that entertainment is wrestling, which is what this new way of referring to what the former World Wrestling Federation does. Jillian Hall is a phenomenal wrestler, but she sucks at singing. The beauty, costume, and talent contests that World Wrestling Entertainment puts on are dreadful. Remember a couple of years ago when Eugene was GM of RAW and had a musical chairs competition? Yeah, that was really something worth not changing the fucking channel for. How about going all the way back to the hype surrounding this giant egg that was going to be hatched at Survivor Series 1990. You know what popped out of there? The fucking gobbledy gooker. Boy, wasn't that exciting? Remember back to when Mark Henry got Mae fucking Young pregnant and she ended up giving birth to a hand? Wasn't that hilarious? Or how about when Billy and Chuck were going to get married? Does anyone really think any of that type of shit is entertaining? Yes, folks. Somebody does, and I bet if I gave you three guesses you could guess his name. In fact, how about I just give you one guess. Yes, reader, you just nailed it right on the damn head: Vincent Kennedy McMahon. I don't know why this motherfucker is so messed up as to think these things are funny or why we'd want to see his sick fantasies play out, but there's no question that he finds it entertaining. You know what I find entertaining? I already told you above, thanks for paying attention. I find wrestling to be entertaining; it doesn't encompass the whole of entertainment like Mr. "I fucking own you" McMahon seems to believe, but I've always enjoyed it, and now it appears like I've literally got no say in whether I get to watch it or not, because as far as new stuff, it barely even exists. It's November 12th or later when you're reading this, but as I'm writing it we saw a pretty craptacular botchfest on RAW two days ago between Evan Bourne and Rey Mysterio that was the one thing on the show I was looking forward to, considering how Randy Orton is still injured and they decided to take the World Heavyweight Title off Chris Jericho and put it on perhaps the most boring wrestler ever. Meanwhile, The Heart Break King has apparently begun a feud against JBL because he cost Chris Jericho the World Title. Yep, makes sense to me. Priceless, who just a month ago looked to be a young stable of 2nd generation stars about to be led by the outstanding 3rd generation viper are now 2-time former tag champs and haven't appeared to be a solid team for the last few weeks. "After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins."--Fred Allen Chris Jericho is the best thing going on RAW right now, largely because he's the second best wrestler on the show and was just put over by the best, Shawn Michaels, in an excellent feud that climaxed in a very good ladder match--until it climaxed again in a Last Man Standing. The second best thing on the red brand is, indeed, almost entirely entertainment because Santino Marella couldn't wrestle his way out of a paper bag, but he certainly knows how to rock a mic and has incredible comedic timing. Other than that, the only other person on the show that really knows how to "entertain" anyone is Shawn Michaels. I believe some people find Cryme Tyme entertaining, but I find them disgusting. ECW continues to be ECW, and despite the fact that they've got some guys I'd really like to watch in Evan Bourne, Matt Hardy, John Morrison, and Jack Swagger, it used to be on at the same time as The Shield and SVU and now it's on at the same time as Fringe. I just can't bring myself to put the TV on Sci-Fi when that stuff is on, nor do I want to waste my time downloading the show and putting it on DVD. I just don't care enough about it--maybe because it doesn't seem like the WWE does, either. Smackdown? Well, they certainly have some of the bigger names in the business, don't they? Triple H, Jeff Hardy, Edge, The Big Show, and The Undertaker; along with some of the brightest new stars in the business in Shelton Benjamin, MVP, THE Brian Kendrick, and Kozlov. They've even got the niece of Bret, but she's been made to job to people that bring only looks to the table, showing why the WWE Women's Division will always be a joke consisting of T & A and little else. I would include Hurricane Helms and R-Truth as good things about the show, except every time I've thought they were going to push my boy "Sugar" Shane they've always let me down, and the latter's entrance is possibly the most annoying thing I've ever seen in the business. The show probably even has the best announce team going right now in JR and Tazz, but still I don't tend to watch it. Friday is not a night on which I tend to watch television of any kind, so I never remember it's on, and when I do I get to be annoyed by the whining voice of Vicky Guerrero and the terrible way they're treating her cousin-in-law. Also, they've now put the constantly lackadaisical underachiever with the big afro in championship position, and I find that disgusting. As many of you will remember, I watched Bound For Glory and immediately got so pissed that I couldn't sleep and had to sit up writing a column bitching about the stupidity of TNA. Slightly more than a week later, they pissed me off again by completely ruining one of their few live shows. Unlike many, I like the name of the new stable of "legends" in the organization, but Sting's attitude of running with the heels, but still slapping the hands of the fans completely turns me off to what they're trying to do. Their new championship belt is fucking gorgeous, but to have a championship specifically for legends may be the most retarded thing I've ever seen in an organization that appears to pride itself on one-upping itself when it comes to mental disabledness. They could have easily made a fantastic show built around the Main Event Mafia destroying the young TNA stars, had the X-Division spotlighted instead of given one 3 minute match, and had Christian actually come out and wrestle Booker T for the legends championship instead of challenging him to a match at their next Pay Per Pew; boy, Instant Classic, it really seemed like you were raring to go. TNA shoots itself in the damned foot so much, I'm surprised they have any toes left. At least they didn't put the strap on Christian before he walked out the door, I suppose. Ring of Honor appears to be the only fairly big organization left at which you can watch an actual wrestling match, but they don't have a national television deal. Reportedly they're looking for one again as a way to try to keep the organization afloat, and all it cost them was Gabe Sapolsky, their head booker and a man who had been with the organization from the start. Some think that maybe that was necessary for ROH to continue; I guess we'll see what the future holds for them. I fervently hope they have one, because I'm a huge fan of many of their wrestlers and I hope they aren't left without a place to perform. If they are, though, what does that mean? That there isn't a place in the United States for wrestling any longer? Perhaps, and that will be a sad day. I've only been back writing about wrestling for a couple of months, and now it seems like there may soon be nothing left to write about. Total Nonstop Action basically has this final chance to keep me as any type of viewer at all, and really, what are the chances they won't fuck it up? Ring of Honor is rumored to be close to closing its doors, and World Wrestling Entertainment doesn't believe they're in the wrestling business any longer, so why should I? There's honestly only one reason I can think of: Wrestlemania Silver. Entry for my wife, my children, and myself into several events surrounding the event including Midday Madness, the Hall of Fame ceremony, the Bagels, Bacon, and Biceps Brunch, Wrestlemania itself, our hotel rooms, and our airplane tickets have already been paid for and Cody and I at least are planning to go to RAW the night following, as well. Considering where the money for this came from, and what this event will mean to me on a deeply personal level, and my kids--especially my boy--on a fun level, I want to be prepared for what we're going to experience. I want to be as informed, aware, and hyped for the event as possible. I hope we aren't going to be subjected to anything as mundane as the supposed "Dream Rematch" between John Cena and Batista, but if we are I want to be as hyped for it as I can possibly be, and that means watching the programs leading up to the show itself, but unless something magical happens between now and then; unless my mind is blown, that's where I get off. I'm not hooked on the spectacle like I was as a child, and they don't have compelling characters the way they used to. If they want to call themselves entertainment and remain a bore, I'm going to check out, and they might as well change their name to World Entertainment Enterprises. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! If they want to offer a compelling wrestling product that entertains, I'll be around, but until then I'll call them by World Wrestling Entertainment, though I'm not entertained, and as much as I'd like to, I really don't care. Long days, pleasant nights Points of Light These are the columns that I believe to be the best posted in the LOP Columns Forum over the last 14 days. I suppose you could call them plugs, but these are the recent columns I see as shining examples of stellar work: The Knight's Report #3 by BeyondKnight The Shinobi Series #10 by Joey Shinobi Breaking the Fourth Wall: The Return by EB4 History of the Territories Part 3 by Sean Taylor You can send any comments by email to me at XanManX@hotmail.com with the words "Northern Star" or "feedback" in the subject line or you can click here to leave feedback if you're a member of The Lop Forums. The Northern Star will rise again, until then... Be Well
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