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Submitted by SkittleZ on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 at 12:16 AM EST
 SkittleZ: Oh my goodness, Mavs... did you see Tony Parker go off on the shitty T-Wolves the other night? A career high 55 points! Is he not one of the PREMIER point guards in the league? I mean they did put him on the cover of Live 09 and that's serious business right there. MavsMan: No, he's not one of the premier point guards in the league... for now. You know why? He's injured for the next two to four weeks. But I know what you mean. I liked Tony, Manu was going to be out for awhile, the Spurs are aging, and, apart from Duncan, Parker is their best option. So, my (not so sincere) best wishes to the Spurs for having two of their best three players out for the next month or two. SkittleZ: Ha! Screw the Spurs. Let them all contract a fatal case of herpes and then parish in a fiery plane crash. I hate those bastards. You know why, don't you? MavsMan: Because your love for the Suns is just a facade and deep in your heart you have a massive man crush for the Mavs? SkittleZ: Your inconsistent Mavericks are worse off than my almighty Phoenix Suns. How's that Jason Kidd trade working for you guys? MavsMan: How's Shaq doing for ya? Has he eaten half the state yet? SkittleZ: Oh good one, vagina face. You're really hilarious. Stop trying to hide your massive man love for HBK which by the way, pales in comparison to Degenerate's obsessive fondness with him. MavsMan: I like HBK, but I'm not on Degenerate's level. I don't think that's humanly possible. But at least I'm open about my HBK love. Speaking of man crushes, when is your flamboyantly fruity ass finally going to come out of the closet? SkittleZ: How fucking inconsiderate of you. Have I not spoken with you in length about my unfortunate divorce and the heartache that has comes along with it? Hmph. Trying to change the subject, eh? Why am I not surprised one bit? You don't know jack shit about the NBA or the WWE for that matter. Besides, how old are you? Eleven? Weren't you born in '97 or something? MavsMan: I wonder why the marriage ended fruity... I'm sixteen. Which raises the question of why you're talking to teenage boys on the Internet... But, getting on topic, I bet that I know way more about the WWE and NBA than your prick-brain could ever dream of comprehending. SkittleZ: Are you issuing me a challenge? Your unimportant ass thinks you can trump the Master of the Main Page!? I accept and look forward to raping you into submission. How about I give you any random WWE Superstar and you must find and NBA athlete to compare him tp? And I then expecte you to make a valid argument to support your pick. Then we'll flip it and you can attempt to stump me. I mean since you're on the Main Page, I may as well get some use out of you while I can. MavsMan: You would like to "use" me wouldn't you fag boy? It's on. SkittleZ: Excellent. Hmmmm.... I choose that lovable loser Kane. Good luck with that. MavsMan: Ha. I laugh at your futile attempt to stump me. It's obviously got to be Dirk Nowitzki. The main reason being both of them are, as you put it, lovable losers. They've both been close to the top of the mountain but have never been there (a one day title reign does NOT count as making it to the top of the mountain). Dirk and Kane are also both consistent. You know what you're going to get from each of them. Dirk will give you points and rebounds on a nightly basis. Kane is always going to give you a platform to launch other wrestlers to the main event level. Overall though, the main reason they are some similar is that they both look hideous. *insert picture of Kane after demasking and Dirk with his awful haircut* SkittleZ: Of course. I should have known you'd play favorites and pick that big lanky German. He shoots free throws like a woman. MavsMan: I bet you couldn't shoot 87% on free throws... for your career. Alright fruity, your turn. I choose... HBK. Have fun, homo. SkittleZ: Is that supposed to be difficult or something? Try raising your standards once in a while. Michaels actually has a ton in common with Steve Nash. Both are veterans who've garnered mad respect over the years. Though it may not seem like it during most HBK matches, both of them are most comfortable when they are running the show and making the big decisions. Above all else, Nash and the Heartbreak Kid make everyone around them look good more often than not. Shawn will take X amount of bumps just to make a mediocre bout that much more entertaining. And Nash has proven how well he elevates the talent around him with the tremendous job he's done with Phoenix since signing with the club back in the summer of 2004. Nash took a 29 win club from the cellar of the NBA and transformed them into a 62-20 Western Conference powerhouse in just over a year. Meanwhile, HBK can make the biggest most awkward oafs look like the second coming of Andre the Giant. MavsMan: I should have figured you'd compare HBK to Nash you Canadian loving fiend. I have another comparison for you. HBK and Nash both have backs that have been beaten up even worse than your Chiefs have been annihilated this season. Well, maybe not quite as bad. SkittleZ: .... No comment. MavsMan: That's what I thought. OK, I guess it's your turn to try and "stump me". Shoot away. SkittleZ: I will. And I shall. Try on John Cena for size. Which NBA schmuck gives a Herculean effort every night out and often snatches victory from the jaws of defeat? MavsMan: This just keeps getting funnier and funnier. You think you're actually going to befuddle me with John freaking Cena? There is one player and one player only that it has to be. LeBron James. LeBron is the poster child of the NBA, just as Cena is the poster child of the WWE. Both of them represent the present and future of their respective companies. Cena is the main event for the WWE. He's always going to give you a good to great match (unless you're a Cena hater). LeBron is also a consistently clutch contributor. He's always going to give you around 28-30 points, 7 rebounds and 7 assists. I mentioned earlier how Cena and LeBron were both the poster children of their respective companies. The final check in the Cena-Lebron comparison is marketability. Cena merchandise is among the top-selling for the WWE, and LeBron's jersey is one of the top-selling for the NBA. Cena and Lebron are both household names that you can take to the bank.  SkittleZ: Eh... I guess that will suffice. MavsMan: Yeah, you just got pwned. Anyways, I'd like to see the pathetic comparison you come up with for... Edge. SkittleZ: Well if I had to compare Copeland to anybody, it would be Sir Kobe Bryant. Shall I point out the obvious comparison right off the bat? Need I remind us of the little rape/sex scandal incident that Kobe was involved with a few years ago when he couldn't keep it in his pants on a cold night in Denver? Edge also screwed up back in 2005 when his previously unknown affair with Lita became public. Kobe was supposedly happily married and every wrestling mark in the world knew that Lita had been cozy with Matt Hardy for years. However, both men bounced back to become quite successful. While Kobe hasn't won an NBA Championship since 2002, the guy still has three rings and a few MVP awards for his efforts. The Rated R Superstar would use his frowned upon affair with Dumas to propel himself into the main event for years to come. Though people tend to hate the guy, Edge has proved his worth by capturing five World Titles in a relatively short amount of time. And while Kobe is usually the target of most fan's aggression, Bryant comes up big when it counts more often than not. MavsMan: You just had to go the sexual affair route, didn't you? SkittleZ: What can I say? Instances like that excite me. I know the world of sex and lust has alluded you so far during your short existence but don't fret.... one day you'll get laid. I'd say no later than 2018. Anyways, you're up to bat. It's time to throw you a curve ball. The Great Khali, if you will. MavsMan: Aren't you the Fact or Fiction manager? Do you not remember the first one you ever managed yourself in June? Where I graciously contributed to the column after you begged me to do so? Do you not remember AT ALL me comparing The Great Khali to Yao Ming? It's actually quite simple. Both of them are giant freaks of nature. Have you ever met a man over seven feet tall? It's quite intimidating. Also, both of them have health issues. Yao routinely misses a few games each year while there have been reports that the WWE is trying to get as much use out of Khali now because his knees are not in that great of shape. Perhaps the biggest point of comparison is in the importance they bare for their companies internationally. Yao has given the NBA a giant gateway into China. This was proven at the 2008 Summer Olympics where the Chinese were infatuated not only with Yao, but with all the Superstars of Team USA. The Great Khali is a national hero in India. While we have not heard as much about the WWE trying to exploit the The Great Khali's status in India for business purposes, one has to imagine that is part of the reason for Khali's face turn. For it is much easier to market a face than a heel. The Great Khali has given the WWE a chance, a window, to be enthused into the culture of India. Like the NBA, I expect the WWE to jump at the opportunity. SkittleZ: Just like I expect you to jump at the opportunity to outshine a shining star such as myself? Don't ever forget where you are on the totem pole, peasant. MavsMan: I'm currently ahead, jerk, 3-2 on comparisons. You screw this one up and I win the contest. With that being said, your next WWE Superstar (I refuse to call them entertainers) to compare is The Big Show. SkittleZ: Are you fucking kidding me?! Big Diesel! Shaquille O' Neal ring a bell, douchebag? The comparisons are endless. Both are easily the biggest athletes in their respective sports. Big Show and Shaq have made their presence known over their storied careers and have awed the world with ridiculous feats of strength. O' Neal has shattered countless backboards with powerful dunk displays. And Big Show is no stranger to shocking crowds and making them jump to their feet. We've seen people chokeslammed through wrestling canvases, chucked through announce tables and hurled off high structures. Shaq has claimed four NBA Titles (3 with L.A. and 1 with Miami). Big Show, on the other hand, is the only wrestler to hold the WWE, WCW and ECW World Championships. Not to mention both of them are funny big men who play to the crowd. Fan favorites that can control the audience from beginning to end.  MavsMan: Oh, fine, I guess that will pass as a valid comparison. Three to three fruity boy. I tell you this because I'm not sure you're smart enough to count that high... SkittleZ: Don't push your luck, kid. And I passed integrated math so back the fuck up. I've been nice for long enough. Find someone to match up with JBL. The greatest pair of man tits currently airing on WWE programming. MavsMan: A title previously held by Big Daddy V. Anyways, JBL. JBL. JBL. Hmmmm... a little tougher than the other ones. Let's see. Ah, I think I got it. Jason Kidd. If you get to use two Suns players, I should get to use two Mavericks players. The main comparison for JBL and Jason Kidd (for me) is that they should have never returned. I was strongly against JBL coming back from his back injury to an active wrestling role. I thought he was better suited towards announcing. His matches flat-out bore me. It's that simple. I was also strongly opposed to Jason Kidd returning to Dallas. I felt we sold our future for a crappy present. And it looks like I was right. The Mavs bowed out of the playoffs last year in five games, and have had a less than spectacular start to this season. Jason Kidd got rid of our younger talent (Devin Harris mainly), while JBL has a reputation for burying rookie wrestlers. Hence, I don't like either of them. SkittleZ: Nice job pulling that one out of your ass, Mavsy. Your argument will do for now though I am far from impressed. MavsMan: You gave me the most boring, uninspiring, waste of matter in the WWE. I think I did spectacular. You're dead meat with the wrestler I'm going to give you next. I choose... THE UNDERTAKER! Quiver in fear puny mortal! SkittleZ: You bastard. Errrrr.... I would have to go with KG here. Both individuals use their size and strength to their advantage by dominating opponents for minutes on end. The Deadman and Garnett are both feared for their offensive AND defensive prowess. But above all else, these two are well respected veterans who have worked their asses off and paid their dues. Garnett and The Phenom are the type of guys you build your franchise/company around because you know without a doubt that they will not only add to the cause but can sell mass amounts of tickets. Each does such a consistent job that they can sometimes get overlooked due to the overwhelming amount of talent around them. It seemed at one point that KG would never advance past the first round of the Playoffs. However went he got his chance with Boston, Garnett not only won Most Valuable Player but engineered the Celtics to their first title in over two decades. Undertaker has been given the shaft so many times especially during his early days with the WWE. The Deadman always seemed to stay in title contention and would come through big when the lights were on bright by capturing the World Heavyweight Championship at consecutive WrestleManias. MavsMan: Wow SkitZ. I felt the struggle to make the comparison valid there. Getting a little nervous? SkittleZ: You wish, Captain Dildo. I owned that shit. You're just too ignorant to accept it. You know... my greatness and all. I guess it's my turn to come up with someone. Ha! How about Rey Mysterio. What does a Mexican midget have in common with a bunch of enormous foreigners and African Americans? Steroids don't count either, bub. MavsMan: Wow. You just went there. I'm not sure I want to be part of this column anymore considering all of the angry minorities who will come knocking down your door. As for Rey Mysterio, it's gotta be Allen Iverson. Allen Iverson and Rey Mysterio have many things in common, among them speed and flashiness. Very few in the WWE can match the speed of Rey Mysterio or not fall victim to his impactful high-flying moves. Allen Iverson may not be the quickest in the NBA anymore, but he's still high up there and can make people look ridiculous with his ball handling skills. Both of them have also made big moves recently. Rey Mysterio from Smackdown to Raw and Allen Iverson from Denver to Detroit. And both are looking to capture an elusive title in their new homes. SkittleZ: That was a pitiful effort let me just tell you. I would personally escort you from the room right now if I knew you weren't going to try and charge me with statutory rape. MavsMan: Not only would I try to charge you, I would be successful. I have many, many powerful friends Skitz. Don't mess with me. And you gave me Rey Mysterio, what else did you expect me to come up with? You know what, I don't want the answer to that. I want you to give me a comparison for... Jeff Hardy. And please make it snappy sir. SkittleZ: First off, don't ever tell me what to do, rookie. And secondly, I would be happy to assist you. I've got to go with Miami's franchise player Dwayne Wade. I know they've fallen off a bit since winning the NBA Title in 2006 (*cough Shaq cough*) but have you watched a Heat game lately? Or any time for that matter? Wade is one crazy bastard. Dwayne is an individual who will not only pump the crowd up but will sacrifice his body to the umpteenth degree on any given night. I can't tell you how many times I've seen 'Flash' spin, duck, hop step or cross over an opponent to get to the hoop. There's also been countless occasions when Wade has been sent flying off the court due to a hard foul. The comparison there with Jeff is one in the same. Hardy never ceases to amaze his fans and his peers with breath taking air assaults. Jeff has taken the craziest bumps of any pro wrestler in WWE history. Both are flashy and could give a damn what others think of them. Not to mention they have each earned well known fame with respective teammates. Those being Jeff with his brother Matt and Wade with Shaq. MavsMan: You think Jeff has taken the biggest bumps in WWE history? While I would rank him in the top two, number one in my book has to be sir Michael Francis Foley. SkittleZ: Fair enough. Just keep in mind Jeff still has several more years left with the company. That's as long as he doesn't kill himself... or fail another drug test. MavsMan: That is an argument for another day. SkittleZ: Very well. So you thought Mysterio was tough? I've just thought of someone who really knows how to ruffle your feathers. I'm giving you Santino Marella! HAHAHAHAHA! MavsMan: You @$$&*#@. You know what, I'm actually not mad. You know why? Because this will give me a chance to vent. Santino Marella is a foreigner who makes me laugh. His comedic talents are superb and I am saddened by the fact that we will no longer be able to hear of the Honky-Meter (Or the Honky-Perfect-Mountie meter). Santino is also overly dramatic in all that he does. Santino is also slightly effeminate, especially when compared to his girlfriend, Beth Phoenix. What NBA stars has these traits I hear you ask? Obviously it's Manu Ginobli. The Argentinian is the most over dramatic turd in the NBA, flopping all over the place to draw a charge, getting calls even worse than those made in the 2006 NBA Finals (The Mavs got robbed!). He also comes off as effeminate and bitchy to me in part because of his whining to get calls in his favor. As far as the him making me laugh part goes... I have to say I enjoy laughing at his misfortune. Sadism, Schadenfreude, whatever you want to call it. Nothing funnier than his injury causing the Spurs to slip from the elite echelon in the NBA. SkittleZ: Nothing indeed. I never thought I'd see the day when San Antonio were knocked off their throne. I love it. I can't believe you actually made somewhat of an argument out of that. I'm a little taken aback. Try not to pop a boner though, Mavsy. MavsMan: Alright, you better knock this one out of the part. I'm throwing you a fastball over the middle of the plate. If this response isn't epic, you automatically lose. The wrestler I'm giving you is... Ric Flair. Justify your Main Page slot. SkittleZ: When I think of a Hall of Fame legend like the Nature Boy, you can't help but think about class and undoubtedly the greatest professional wrestler of all time. He's an unprecedented sixteen time World Champion not to mention the numerous other accolades and accomplishments Flair has racked up over the years. There is only one NBA player who fits that bill and those who have no clue what I'm talking about should be defecated on and thrown in a ditch. Enter the one and only Michael Jordan. While there are guys like Wilt Chamberlain and Magic Johnson, Air Jordan stands above them just as the Nature Boy is a step above Stone Cold and Hulk Hogan for various reasons. Both have been recognized around the world for decades and embody everything their respective sports are about. MJ is no stranger to championship gold either. It doesn't get any better than six NBA Titles in eight years. Not even the old Lakers and Celtics teams can attest to that kind of domination. Throw in all the scoring titles, defensive awards and MVP trophies that Jordan has accumulated during the 90's and he is easily head and shoulders above the rest. Neither man went out without a fight. Jordan would retire relatively early but couldn't take being away from the game and eventually returned to the NBA as a member of the Washington Wizards. While the team didn't achieve any notable success, Michael showed that he still had it by putting on a number of memorable performances before calling it quits once and for all. We're all familiar with Flair's final WWE run. After being given an ultimatum by the boss to either keep winning or hang up his boots for good, Flair would battle for months to keep his career alive. The Nature Boy set back challenger after challenger and proved that the Dirtiest Player in the Game still had his swagger before going down in a courageous effort against Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 24. MJ and Flair have more in common than perhaps any two guys we've compared yet.  MavsMan: Wow. I'm speechless. So eloquent. So... perfect. *recovers* But you still haven't won yet buddy. It's still a tie. SkittleZ: Hehe. Oh I've got a dandy for you. And it should be pretty easy since you mentioned this wrestler earlier. Find a comparison for the Champ... MavsMan: Oh, Triple H? That's easy. It's got to be... SkittleZ: No no no! Not so fast. I meant the Women's Champion Beth Phoenix! MavsMan: Excuse me? What the *%&$ are you talking about? SkittleZ: Hey you made the challenge, dude. Not me. And you never specified on males and females. Are you sexist or something? MavsMan: You want me to compare a woman to an NBA player!? SkittleZ: Yep. And you can't! Therefore I'm the winner! Wohoo! MavsMan: Wait! Let's see... Um... Well it could be... No that wouldn't work... Eh, how about... oh... fuck you, cheater! You haven't heard the last of me. *stomps away* SkittleZ: And THAT is how you take care of business ladies and gentleman. I, and Mavsy once he's done throwing his temper tantrum, bid you farewell. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ To email SkittleZ, Click HERE. To email MavsMan, Click HERE.
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