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Submitted by SkittleZ on Thursday, November 6, 2008 at 3:21 PM EST
  Welcome to a very special edition of Inside the Mind. My name is anonymous and I’d tell you a bit more about myself but that would make my name meaningless. I’m here today to talk about some deep, deep issues so, if you were expecting a light-hearted column, you’ve definitely come to the wrong place. Okay, now I've lost 90% of my readership, I'll admit I’m lying. It’s the same usual drunken ramblings. Let’s start anyway. The Credit Crunch is causing chaos! (Spoiler Alert!) Unbeknownst to you all, the WWE is going to be debuting a wrestler solely based on the financial crisis. “Credit Crunch” will be a face who does comedy skits advising fans how to save money, whilst also “crunching” his opponents. His finisher will be a submission move called “squeezing the penny” and he’s expected to debut on next week’s Raw. You heard it here first. Cyber Sunday takes place! After ages of using the internet, on Sunday I engaged in Cyber sex for the first time. From first experience, it was probably the most overrated experience of my life. I’m really disappointed and it’s definitely made me realize that I should start going out and hunting for real women again, as opposed to e-women. Even if they’re terrifying. Ashley Massaro no shows wrestling convention! It was Rikishi. He did it for The Rock. We know that much but, what has Rikishi done with Ashley? Why did The Rock make him do it? Will Ashley ever be the same again? Tune into Monday Night Raw to find out! Even though you’ve long since departed, part of you is still with me. You’ve hurt me beyond repair. I miss you and I love you. I miss the way you always smiled, no matter what was going to happen. Even when you knew that you were going to be battered and destroyed. Even when life sucked for you, there’d be a smile on your face as you capered around. I try to copy that. I try to smile no matter what’s going on. In memory of you, I’ll face abuse with a laugh and a grin. I’ll take life as it comes, just because I love you and that’s what you would do. You were the highlight of my week for so many years. Whether I saw you for 30 seconds or 30 minutes, it was always the best moment of my life so far. You were entertaining, enthralling and ever so slightly erectifying. Whether you were with friends, or if you were alone, you always made me happy. You’d always make my life worth living again. I still look at old videos of you every week. I still spend time asking friends what you’re doing now. Hoping to find a way of seeing you again. Hoping that you’ll give me another chance. But my hope is fading. I don’t think I’m ever going to get the chance to see you again. I don’t think I’m going to get that feeling of happiness ever again. I don’t think we’ll ever be united. I’ll always miss you. Without you, nothing’s the same.  I’ve no idea where that came from. This wine is strong stuff. So, MadChuck thinks Randy Orton smells? Normally, I’d agree with him and give him some unwarranted praise on his clearness and objectivity, in return for the same compliment being returned in my next column. However, I must draw a line at this comment. Mr Orton does not smell of anything except roses. How do I know? I’ll show you...  Reason 1: The holds he’s involved in. Have you ever seen a Randy Orton wrestling match? For long periods of time, Orton or his opponent are “slowing the pace” by having a submission hold locked in. Submission moves involve getting very close to the opponent and in Orton’s case, they tend to last a while. If Orton smells so bad, how could the opponent deal with holding him for so long? You can argue that they would have to grin and bare it but, can you imagine HHH allowing himself to be booked so he has to hold a man who’s stench disgusts him? Can you imagine The Undertaker accepting a part of the match in which he has to withstand a strong odor as well as the pain of the match? It just seems too far fetched that these argumentative and stubborn people would be willing to get so close to Orton if he smelt so bad. Reason 2: Women. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MI0rtHtDdU. Ugh. That’s disgusting. Anyway, simply by looking at this woman, you can tell that Randy Orton does not smell. Firstly, the fact he’s married should be proof enough. It’s not as though she’s the most unattractive woman in the world either. I’d tap that. But, there’s also the factor of her nose. Samantha Speno-Orton has an unnaturally big nose. With a nose like that, how could you marry a smelly man? Her nostrils are so big that she must be able to smell every little odor that comes from Orton. She can probably smell every odor in the U.S.A with a nose like that! With a wife like that, there’s no way that Orton could smell. Reason 3: Excretion Unlike most wrestlers, Randy Orton’s toiletry habits have come to light in the past and can prove as testimony that he does not smell. See, if Orton needs the toilet, he goes straight away, wherever he is. This was shown when he excreted in a Diva’s handbag. This simple act showed just how much he cares about his personal hygiene. Whilst most people try and hold on, risking a very unfortunate accident and a very unpleasant smell, Orton would act. Even if it means defecating in an odd place, Orton always puts his personal hygiene first. How can a man so obsessed with his cleanliness smell? Reason 4: Trunks Have you ever seen our Randy wear the same trunks on consecutive Raw’s or PPVs? Neither have I. He always wears a different set every time. Unlike some other wrestlers, whose cleanliness must surely be questioned, Mr Orton always changes his attire when it’s needed. There’s not much else to say on the subject. Reason 5: He’s young. Old people smell. Randy Orton isn’t old. Let’s throw that theory out the window. Reason 6: He’s Randy Fucking Orton! If your name was Randy Orton, you’re going to be a bully magnet. The name sounds like it belongs in a porn movie and kids at school would’ve picked up on that. Imagine if he’d had smelt bad as well? Imagine how he would’ve been treated if the Randy Orphans’ (I would’ve called him that) odor was a scent unpleasing to the nose? He would’ve had the shit kicked out of him on many an occasion! Trust me, young Randall would’ve done all in his power not to give the bullies a chance to make a mockery of him. Sorting out his personal hygiene, trying to bulk up, becoming a bully himself- with a name like Randy Orton, he had little choice. Reason 7: Compare Randy to a rose. Look at a rose. Then, look at Randy Orton. The similarities are endless. Both of them are really popular. Both of them are seen as beautiful by the female members of our race. Both of them firmly have their roots in the ground they work in. And, both of them have a thorn in their side. They’re nearly identical. Randy Orton is a human rose. So, those are just a few reasons why Randy Orton doesn’t smell. I hope that I’ve enlightened you and managed to persuade at least 2 of you that have read this far (If there are 2 of you). I know it was shorter than it could’ve been but my wine is slowly consuming all my interest. I'm sorry. I can't help my alcoholism. If I give you some Wrestlemon will you forgive me? Let's see.  Capable of shocking you at anytime, purely by exploding with a devastating move. It's also extremely quick to anger and has little patience with arrogant or idiotic foes. This Wrestlemon is fairly rare but tends to be damn entertaining if you see it. One of the issues with this Wrestlemon is its tendency to do other things, as opposed to battling, which many people regard as something of a disappointment. None-the-less, if it’s around, you’re sure to be guaranteed a few thrills. I think that's all I can write for today. It's been a long and emotional ride and I'm sure you'll be thrilled to know that I've decided it's time to start writing semi-regularly again. Which basically means you might see me soon.  Good night my children. I love you all.
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