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Submitted by YourAyatollah on Friday, October 31, 2008 at 2:11 AM EST
Hello, all, and welcome back to another oh so fun filled edition of Ask Your Ayatollah, back in action after a brief hiatus. Haven't seen much of me lately, huh? Sorry for the layoff, but the really real world has been interesting for Your Ayatollah as of late, and I've been scrambling to try and keep up. I do believe I'm on top of things at moment, though, and feeling better than I have any right to, so I figure it's time to jump back into the fray. I must admit, feels pretty good to be doing this again. As the title alludes to, I'm posting this on Devil's Night, the name ascribed to the day before Halloween. If you know me at all, you are aware that I'm a massive fan of the movie The Crow, so much so that I had the logo of the flick lovingly etched into my flesh some years ago. For those who may be unaware, the events of that movie play out mostly over the course of Devil's Night, and thus, for whatever oddball reason us weirdo folks have, I have always celebrated this evening as something of a holiday unto itself. The typical celebration consists of me, a bottle of wine, and my old ass VHS copy of the film. Good stuff, sirs and ma'ams, good stuff. That's later, though. For now, 'tis time once again to answer all your wonderful queries, maybe crack a few bad jokes along the way, perhaps even enlighten you to something you weren't aware of before. Wouldn't hold my breath waiting on that last one. If you do seek enlightenment on the sport of kings through the written word, though, I gladly direct you towards the Columns Forum on this site's eponymous message board. They are recently under temporary new management down there, and I'm sure would love to have you pay a visit. Tell them Their Ayatollah sends his regards. Playlist tonight kicks off with Awake by Godsmack. Good stuff right there, and a damn spiffy song to start us along our way. Where to, you might ask? Same place as usual, kids. Back to the front. We'll start the festivities with a somewhat off color question from my former, and recently returned, late night chatting pal, the multicolored, entirely too fruity man himself... Skittlez asks... Out of all the WWE Divas we've seen nude within the covers of Playboy magazine, which one of them tickles your fancy the most? (Don't hesitate to get a little graphic) You dirty boy, you. Guess we've both has some stretches where those back issues have come in, um, handy lately, huh? Thankfully, it would seem as though we're both working on that. Not together, though. Despite your advances, I do NOT wish to "taste the rainbow", sir. That's actually a pretty decent question. I've been a Playboy subscriber for many, many years, and have, if I'm not mistaken, all the Diva issues. My usual taste in women would lead me to say Christy Hemme off the top of my head, as I've always had something of an affinity for redheads. Upon further thought, though, it ain't her. Great body, and usually quite the lovely young lady, but in that specific pictorial she wore the facial expressions of a Real Doll, with makeup that looked as though applied with a paint roller. That one with Sable and Torrie was pretty nice, I must admit, but I just can't get over the fact that Rena just has a look about her that screams, "I was fashioned out of spare parts and wood glue in some horny evil scientist's laboratory." (demonoid phenomenon by rob zombie) She was much hotter in that pictorial than in either of her two prior appearances, but still, the chick just looks fake as shit. Which brings us to her partner in sexy crime, the lovely and very missed former Mrs. Billy Kidman. Now, I'm typically not a blonde kinda guy. I don't deny hotness when I see it, of course, but that just ain't my flavor, if you dig. Torrie Wilson's first layout, though, was all kinds of spiffy, and probably ranks as my overall favorite of the Divas bunch. Her in the shower, all standing around wearing nothing but that shiny belt, somehow maintaining that look of innocence that sold countless posters and such to drooling fanboys while rocking not a stitch of clothing. Yummy, yummy, and yummy. So yeah, that's my answer. Torrie Wilson. Honorable mention goes to Ashley, who's spread put to shame that of her Diva Search predecessor, the afore mentioned Ms. Hemme. Something about that little plaid skirt she wears in that one.... Good stuff. Thanks, Skitz. !$#@%$#^%$, get on AIM now!!! The Legend himself, Xanman, asks in follow up... And of those who haven't, which would you like to see and why? I swear if you say Michelle McCool I'm going to puke. Go ahead and answer how you want...I'm just sayin'. If you could be any wrestler for any day in history: Who, when, and why? That first one's easy. Though she's not around anymore, I always really, really, fuckin' really wanted to see Lita in Playboy. Really. Killer body, rocker attitude, and the hair, all combine to make perhaps the chick I'd most like to bang in the history of my wrestling fandom. Oh, shit, nix that, I forgot about Daffney. Still, I'd really like to have seen Lita in the magazine at some point. Really. That second question is a bit tougher. Would've been cool to have been Rob Van Dam on the night of the second One Night Stand PPV, when he finally won the big boy strap. It must have felt incredible to finally garner the appreciation and respect from the company that the fans had long since shown him. Add to that his obvious elation at having been able to do it in front of a raucously partisan old school ECDub crowd, not to mention his lovely wife, and I must say that it probably didn't suck to be the Whole Fuckin' Show on that evening. (am i evil? by metallica) Plus, you know he got sooooooooo fuckin' high later that night. So high. Of course, it would also have been all sorts of righteous to be The Rock on the night of WrestleMania 18, when he faced the Immortal One, Hulk Hogan. The electricity, if you'll pardon the pun, of that night was palpable, even sitting on my couch at the house, and I can't even begin to fathom how it must have felt to not only be right there in the building, but in the ring at the eye of the storm. The reaction to both men, especially the incredible ovation garnered by the Hulkster, was I'm sure nothing short of breathtaking to experience firsthand. Come what may for our old pal Dwayne, I'm willing to bet that that moment will forever stand as perhaps the most surreal and awe inspiring of his life. I could probably go on and on all night with this. Shawn Michaels on the night of WM 12 when the boyhood dream became reality, My Ayatollah Chris Jericho on the night he defeated The Rock and Steve Austin in consecutive matches to become the first undisputed World champion in damn near a century, Bam Bam Bigelow when he stood in the ring listening to Salt N Pepa sing Lawrence Taylor down the aisle. Okay, maybe not so much that last one. Though that night, LT was, indeed, a mighty mighty good man. More than perhaps any other, though, and even though he doesn't technically count as a wrestler, I suppose, I'd have loved to have been Vince McMahon on the night of the first WrestleMania. After having put it all on the line, having basically made the ultimate gamble in an attempt to take his company to the heights that only he dared envision, to bask in the glow of the monumental success it turned out to be must have been awesome. Imagine that, if you will. Knowing that not only are you well on your way to being a very, very wealthy man, but literally revolutionizing the business in which your family has established its name over the previous two generations. Awesome isn't even a strong enough word for how that must have felt. Thank you kindly, Man called Xan. Keeping the main page columnist trend running... Andy Savana wonders... Would me being a schizo cook who secretley writes columns then feuds with his alter ego in TNA work out the way I think it would? No, dude. No, it wouldn't. Given the recent confusing state of TNA's booking, though, it couldn't be much worse than what an increasingly dwindling number of us are watching every week. Of course, that doesn't mean that I wouldn't support you wholeheartedly, my personal Mewes. Anything for Andy. C-4 asks... Why, in the name of all that's holy (or unholy), is a talent like Christopher Daniels rotting away as Curry Man instead of being someone that would help make TNA somewhat entertaining? I liked Curry Man when he first showed up. (to the rats by trivium) TNA was all embroiled in bitter blood feuds at the time, and it was nice to have something other than Black Machismo (who is now ironically involved in a bitter blood feud of his own) to provide a bit of respite from the storm. That was when he first showed up, though. Now, I'm over it. The novelty wore off months ago, and whatever pops he's still garnering from the crowds in the Impact Zone are rendered null and void by the fact that those people will cheer anyone they're fuckin' told to. Sure, it's mildly humorous to see a dude with a bowl of curry on his dome dancing around, hanging with Sharky Boy, all that jazz. It is instantly made much less humorous, though, when one thinks about how we're missing out on the Angel's Wings, that awesome entrance, and sweet lord, the Best Moonsault Ever. I miss the BME so bad. So, so bad. So I guess the short answer to your question would be, "I got no fuckin' clue, dude." As I said before, the novelty wore off some time ago, and with the current state of the X Division (seriously, Dairvari vs Consequences fucking Creed?), the Fallen Angel has never been more needed than he is at this moment. Heed the call of the faithful, TNA, and give us what we want. Karen Angle in a baby oil and titties match against Tracy Brooks. And the Fallen Angel, Christopher Daniels, back on our television screens every week. Then burn that fuckin' outfit. mavsman asks... You live in Texas: How low on the totem pole is country music to you? Can you honestly ever see another company becoming the dominant wrestling company in the US over the WWE? If so, then when? If not, why will various companies fail? What matchup do you want to see headlining WM 25? Yes, I am a proud resident of the Lone Star State, home of the Alamo, the Cowboys, and cows. Lots of fuckin' cows. (black no.1 by type o negative) As such, it's just about impossible to make it through a day without hearing some country music in some fashion, which kinda sucks. I'd rather hear the death rattle of my only child than sit through an entire Kenny Chesney album. Okay, so maybe that's a bit much. Truth be told, I used to work at a country music radio station a few years back, and through trial and error came up with a good bit of stuff that I more than tolerate, but actually flat out like. I'm a reasonably big fan of Garth Brooks, and have a flat out love for the old school stylings of guys like Willie Nelson, Freddie Fender, Marty Robbins, Hank Williams, and especially the Man in Black, Johnny Cash. As to the modern stuff, though, I got no need or want to hear it. That one song Hootie did, though, is pretty catchy. Don't thank I don't thank about thangs. Do I honestly ever see another company becoming the dominant provider of dudes in their underwear pretending to fight? Nope, sure don't. The reason for that would be that WWE is THE brand that comes to mind when one thinks of wrestling. It's damn near become generic, if you dig. Like folks will call all adhesive bandages Band Aids, or all cola flavored beverages Coke. WCW had their shot at challenging the throne back in the day, but even that was based mostly off of the fact that they had previously established WWF stars leading the way. TNA for damn sure won't do it, at least not in their current incarnation. The company just seems entirely too short sighted and disorganized to mount any sort of serious offensive, and all their big name talents are either unproven on the grandest of stages or are, frankly, washed up. I still dig Sting and Kevin Nash as much as anyone, but there's no reason whatsoever that they should be main eventing over guys like Christian or AJ Styles. It's just stupid, and one of the largest reasons that WCW gradually lost any credibility with the fans in almost the blink of an eye. All it'll take is one mass exodus of home grown TNA talent, as seen with The Revolution guys back in the day, and Jeff Jarrett's company will be joining his blinky hats and multi suspendered tights in the graveyard of "shit that wasn't really ever going to work". So, long story short, I again say no, it ain't gonna happen. If by some chance it does, it will be a company that has yet to be seen that does it, and it won't be for a long time. As much as the mark in me would love to see a couple of my favorites like Chris Jericho and CM Punk, or maybe Christian Cage and Jeff Hardy, facing off in the main event of the Granddaddy, the rational human being in me tells me that's, at best, a pipe dream on both counts. I've seen a lot of predictions over the past little bit, and though I frankly think it's a bit too soon to really gauge what will go down, there is one match that folks seem to be kinda overlooking. One that has history behind it, would likely carry the "big match" feel that the Mania main event has to have, and would have a pretty damn high likelihood of being pretty damn good. Thus, my prediction for the main event of WrestleMania 25 would be John Cena vs Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship. Those guys had a vicious feud that was never settled, and with both set to come off of their respective injuries right as the lights from the road to WrestleMania start glimmering in the distance, the stage could be set to wage the opening salvo of what will most likely become the next great feud in the business, as well as the first of probably more than one main event nods for the duo at the biggest show of the year. If it were up to me, though, it'd be Taker and Hunter for the WWE Title. Hell in a Cell. All apologies for the abrupt end to the festivities, there. I wrote everything above the green line thingy, there, at work over the course of the night, in anticipation of the Devil's Night festivities I spoke of in the intro. Had a ball doing it, and it really made the night go by quickly. Until right after I typed that last sentence up there. As I was typing that, a dude came into the store where I work. Nice dude, comes in all the time. He wandered around and got his various shit, while I eyed the clock in anticipation of closing in about five minutes. Dude comes up to the register, I ring him up, all is well and good in the world. Then the dude in the ski mask comes in and points a gun at me. Dude buying his Sprite and Twinkies literally pissed himself. Robber dude asks for the money, I tell him to hold on because we just got new registers and shit and I don't know how to open the shit, and he starts getting antsy. (the number of the beast by iron maiden) I, in the meantime, am all cool and calm and collected, for some fucked up reason. This is the third time I've had a gun in my grill since January, and each time I've been amazingly calm. Anywho, I gave the motherfucker the money, and as he left, I waved and told him to fuck off. And thus ended my good night. Nothing quite like a fucking gun in your face to serve as a buzzkill. So yeah. I'm home now, and I guess this would be what they call "venting". I'm livid. Pissed the fuck off. So goddamn sick of these thug assholes who get off on sticking a gun in someone's face as opposed to, oh, I don't know, getting a fucking job. Earning an honest living. Maybe at least making an attempt at accomplishing more in life than simply bragging about how fucking hard they are. But such is life. I have been shit on all week long, was looking forward to tonight as something of a release, all to have this shit go down. It's lame. So, so lame. But at least I'm still here. And will be for hopefully a long, long time to come. So yeah, apologies for the abrupt ending up there, and further apologies for subjecting you all to my little rant that has jack shit to do with pro wrestling. I'll shut up now and go about my business. Which, this evening, would be popping that bottle of wine and watching Eric Draven shoot a bunch of motherfuckers. Ironic, no? I do hope that you guys enjoyed at least most of this. I truly did greatly enjoy answering those questions, as I always do, and encourage you fine folks to send more my way as you feel fit. If you're a member of the forums, you can do so either by Private Message or by hitting up my Feedback thread in the aptly titled Feedback Forum. If you're not a member of the forums, well, have no fear. You can hit me up via email at AskYourAyatollah@rock.com. All emails will be replied to in some fashion, be it through the usual method or by having your question included in this here column. Be sure to let me know what you want to be called and all that. I'm done. I'll be back at this, in some form or another, in the hopefully not too distant future. If some asshole with a tiny dick and a fetish for acting like a gangsta doesn't bust a cap in my ass, that is. The playlist tonight ends, appropriately enough, with Big Empty by Stone Temple Pilots. Until whenever it is that we meet again, I ask you to remember what I'm trying so very hard to keep in mind at this very moment: It can't rain all the time. You guys and gals be sure to take care of yourselves out there in the big bad really real world. Much love, kids. Later. Oh, by the way. Fire at will. -Steve AskYourAyatollah@rock.com 
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