|
|
|
|
|
Submitted by SkittleZ on Saturday, October 25, 2008 at 12:43 PM EST
 Ha! I bet a lot of you didn't expect to see me writing ever again. Yep, your eyes do not deceive you, it's the return of that Puerto Rican turned New Yorker named Degenerate to the glorious Columns Forum. It's been a long, long time since I wrote here - Since May 17, 2007 to be exact - and about three months since I had to drop my nifty Main Page spot. And wow, has this place changed. A lot of new faces who are writing some cool stuff, and plus I saw some old-timers people returning to their roots. It'll be fun to see what type of response these columns from a different crowd, as well. So, why am I here today? Well, to be honest, I didn't want to fully quit from column writing at all. But with all the real life stuff happening in my life, it was getting increasingly difficult to maintain the "at least one column every two weeks" rule over on the Main Page. Yeah, a lot of people know that rule is non-existent, but I wanted to strictly follow it, and didn't want to become like most everyone else, outside of Daveyboy, who would write once every month or two. So I stepped aside, hoping that someone will pick up the slack in my absence. After a slow start after I left (hey, I know people got intimidated and all), it's been picking up. So my first official Columns Forum shout-out goes out to those keeping the Main Page alive. A special shout-out should go to Xan, my absolute favorite wrestling column writer of all freakin' time. In reality, I wrote this today because I'm feeling really over-worked. As I mentioned in my finale on the Main Page, I was working over 60 hours per week, thanks to a side project that caught my attention. Thankfully, the side project has been going much better than I expected, and since we're a bit ahead of our planned (read: non-existent) schedule, I thought I could take some time to write something. It's been a few months, and I think I'm just used to writing so much that I need to do it at least from time to time. I've accumulated a ton of ideas to write about during this time away from the keyboard (figuratively speaking), so don't be surprised if I wrote one or two more columns in the upcoming weeks. Who knows, maybe a third COTM is in the works? What? I'm eligible, so screw you. I'm not here for any awards, though, so let's get onto the writing, and hope I don't suck. At least more than usual. * Yeah, it's been a while since the event passed, but to this day, I am thoroughly disappointed - like everyone else - with TNA's Bound For Glory Pay-Per-View. So I small rant is necessary for me to take this off my chest. I mean, this is their biggest show of all damn year, and it just came across so damn lame. Not even adding the roman numeral a la Wrestlemania saved it from being more or less a snooze-fest. The feuds for the matches weren't really that enthralling, everything seemed put together in a short period of time, and more importantly for a show that should be the most important of them all, there were no remarkable or memorable moments in the entire show. Why do you think Wrestlemania is special? The WWE makes sure that each and every year we get something that we'll remember for our entire lifetimes. I'm hoping next year TNA learns from their mistakes and does something besides giving the title to Mr. "I Don't Work House Shows Even When Champion" Sting again. I'm sure good ol' Morpheus will read this, so for him, let's say it all together: Fuck Sting. * Speaking of TNA, after a ton of advertising on the special live edition of TNA Impact (going as far as posting huge billboards around Madison Square Garden here in New York City), it seems the special announcements were two storyline-related ones: A new title belt and Mick Foley saying he's invested in TNA and is now an "Executive Shareholder" in the company. Big whoop. The title belt is one brought up by Booker T called the "Legends Championship" when announcing a new stable / alliance between the old timers of the company. I wouldn't have bitched if it were a mid-card title, which I think is sorely needed in TNA. But this so-called title seems to just be used for one single storyline and it'll be gone before we get used to having it around. As for Foley, he's been in the authority role before. He was enjoyable in the WWE as Commissioner. This seems to be more or less the same. From all accounts I've read on the Internet, people were let down by these announcements. Perhaps we had high expectations. But perhaps it really was a let-down. TNA needs to learn how to do memorable stuff. * In an odd move, WWE decided to make almost all the voting for Cyber Sunday to be via text message. I'm guessing this is mostly due to lax security policies on the web voting (Checking only cookies? Any non-techie can figure out how to clear those and vote again). Oh, and to make a nice chunk of change for the people who actually won't order the show. I recently spoke for someone who's working on a web site that relies heavily on text messaging, and he told me that when talking to a rep for a cell phone company, they told them that text messaging is really huge business for them. So the WWE is obviously piggybacking off that and grabbing as big a slice of the pie as they can get their grubby hands on. Still. 99 cents is a bit high just for voting for a wrestling match stipulation or participant that the WWE has already psychologically told us who they want us to vote for. If Steve Austin isn't the special ref, the vote is rigged. That, or someone's phone bill will be astronomical. * I was wondering why Tony Atlas had been brought to the WWE. I thought it would be to actually teach that big goof of Mark Henry all the stuff about pro wrestling that he should've learned in, you know, the past twelve years he's been in the WWE. But it turns out that Atlas was paired with him so that he can actually take care of him, health-wise, while on the road. I have to admit Atlas looks in great shape, and I was sort of happy he got a prominent spot in the WWE roster. I don't know if you all remember a special on MTV where they showed Atlas wrestling in independent shows and busting his ass just to get by in life. To be inducted into the WWE Hall Of Fame, regardless of whether he truly deserved it or not, and then given a steady paycheck must be like heaven for him. I just hope Mark Henry doesn't end up hungry after Atlas serves him a regular portion of food and ends up eating him instead. * I'm sorry to say, but shame on the WWE for charging $1,000 for to participate in an evaluation camp in front of WWE officials. According to the news, about 40 participants went (and paid) for this camp, with only one single person getting signed to a developmental contract. That's just straight-up robbery. Admittedly, if the news are correct and many of them had absolutely zero experience in professional wrestling, then they have to take part of the blame. But to me, this feels like an evil corporation playing with people's emotions and dreams just to take their money in the end. If it were less cash (probably $500 or even less), then it probably would've been reasonable. I'm betting that this one person won't even get called up at all. $40,000 bucks isn't a bad sum of cash. Who knows, maybe TNA will end up scooping some of these no-talent people up just to put them on TV so they can whine about the WWE ignoring them. Wouldn't be the first time. This past week, Vince McMahon rounds up the troops for an important announcement. Vince McMahon: Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what we're doing as a company. For a long time, we've emphasized how powerful, strong and athletic we all are. Well, except you, Miz, so wipe that smile that was growing on your face. Anywho, I think it's time we established ourselves as something more than mere "Superstars". Triple H: OOOH! You mean like gods and stuff? I want to be a god like JBL! Vince McMahon: ... I really hope you die before I do, you dumb son-of-a-bitch. No, I mean what do we do best? Triple H: Whine when our ladies won't give us some? Those McMahon chicks can be a pain in the ass sometimes. Vince McMahon: Don't talk again for the rest of the meeting. John Cena: You mean entertain, Mr. McMahon. Vince McMahon: YES! Thank you. Oh, and thanks for showing these people that stupid neck surgery isn't an excuse to miss a show. That's why you're the best we got today. Triple H: I love you, Dad! Vince McMahon: Don't be getting jealous of John now. Anyway, we entertain, so from now on, we'll be known as "Entertainers". Got it? Announcers, from now on I'm banning you from calling these guys "Superstars", got it? GOT IT??? Yes sir, you are all entertainers. No more "Superstars" here. Jim Ross: And he still wonders why Mick left... Batista takes a huge star labeled "Superstar" from his locker and tosses it to the trash while weeping. Vince McMahon: That'll be all. Oh, and if the Athletic Commission comes asking about us, we've been in the entertainment business for, like, a long time. Triple H: Yeah! That money we're saving in taxes is coming to me and Steph when you die! Vince McMahon: ............ I hate you. Everybody leaves the meeting as if nothing happened. Except one person... Mike Adamle: Why...? Why would Mr. McMahon do such a thing? Triple H: Hey, Adamle. What's wrong with you? The meeting ended. Go get ready for the show. Mike Adamle: ... I can't. Triple H: You can't? The bathroom's over there. Or you can play dumb like I do and go into the Divas dressing room thinking it's the bathroom. They can't do shit to me because I'll fire their asses! Mike Adamle: No... I mean I can't... I'm not... Triple H: You're not what? Mike Adamle: I'm not... Triple H: You're not what? Mike Adamle: ......... Not... Triple H: GODDAMMIT, YOU'RE NOT WHAT????? Mike Adamle: I'M NOT AN ENTERTAINER, THAT'S IT! Jeez, you don't have to be such an ass and yell... Triple H: ... This is a joke, right? Mike Adamle: Not really... I'm awesome in every way, but no one is perfect. I'm just not an entertainer. Triple H: ... News flash, Mike: You were never really that entertaining to begin with. Mike Adamle: You think I don't realize that? Triple H: So what's the problem then? Mike Adamle: When we were "Superstars", I had no problem with that. I'm as big a superstar as anyone could get. I mean, I played in the NFL and have over 30 years of TV experience, covering everything from the best version of American Gladiators to the Summer Olympics. Triple H: Don't forget your XFL stint. Mike Adamle: X... FL? What are you ever talking about? Triple H: Yeah, you were a sideline reporter, and... Mike Adamle: Whatever, you liar. I have no recollection of that. Anyway, "Superstar" I am; "Entertainer" I am not. Triple H: Yeah dude, whatever you say. Well, I need to split to get ready and be entertaining and stuff. You know. Or rather, you don't. Hahaha! Triple H leaves laughing. Mike Adamle: Go suck it, bitch. What am I going to do? Once Vince McMahon finds out I'm not an entertainer, I'm going to be fired and lose this easy money I'm seemingly making for no apparent reason! Adamle spots Shelton Benjamin passing by. Adamle runs up to Benjamin Mike Adamle: Shelley! I need to ask you something. I was watching old tapes of you when you started here, and you were... Let's say you weren't the most charismatic person of all. Now it seems you're getting a nice push. What did you change? Shelton Benjamin: It's Shelton... And well, I really don't know. I just tried to be better on the mic, and that seemed to do the trick. Mike Adamle: But I'm already awesome on the microphone! Shelton Benjamin: ... This is a joke, right? Mike Adamle: Well, I do have over 30 years of TV experience, covering everything from the best version of American Gladiators to the Summer Olympics. Shelton Benjamin: And the XFL. Mike Adamle: X... FL? What are you ever talking about? Shelton Benjamin: Oh, I forgot about your sudden memory loss when that subject is brought up. Anyway, I also dyed my hair gold. That seemed to do the trick. Mike Adamle: Dying your hair, huh? Hmm... I wonder...  Shelton Benjamin: Well, I need to split. Good luck with your... issues. Mike Adamle: Ahh, I won't look good as a blonde. I'm sexy as I am. What I need is a gimmick instead of being plain old awesome Mike Adamle. Adamle spots Funaki practicing how to say "Smackdown's Number One Announcer". Mike Adamle: Kunafi! Hey, sorry to interrupt your English practice. One day you'll get that phrase right, I'm sure. Kung Fu Naki: You mean "Funaki"? No, no "Funaki" anymore. "Kung Fu Naki" now! Mike Adamle: I see. You put on some spiffy karate gear, and that's it? Kung Fu Naki: Yes! And because I Smackdown Numbah One Announsa! Mike Adamle: That's only because I'm not on Smackdown... Karate does sound kinda cool...  Kung Fu Naki: You are welcome. I Smackdown Numbah One Announsa! Kung Fu Naki leaves to practice his English some more, while dreaming of the day he'll say it perfectly on TV. Mike Adamle: I'm sure one of the signs of the Apocalypse will be him getting that phrase right. Still, Karate isn't for me. I'm a football legend, I can't ruin my legacy like that. There has to be something else that won't cramp my style. Adamle spots Santino Marella bummed out in a corner. Mike Adamle: Hey Santiago, why so down? Santino Marella: Santino, Adamle! How-a many times-a we're going to go over this-a? Anyway, it's-a my woman, Beth-e Phoenix-e. Mike Adamle: ... Dude, you can cut the fake accent. We all know you're from Jersey. Santino Marella: But at least I practice, punk. You don't know what that is in your current role, do you? Mike Adamle: WHAT??? I'll let you know that I have over 30 years of TV experience, covering... Santino Marella: Yeah, yeah. Gladiators, Olympics, failed football leagues... We know. You keep on reminding us. Anyway, what the hell do you want? Mike Adamle: Well, I was watching some old tapes of you last year, and you were so... bland. Right now you're the funniest thing on Raw. What did you do? Santino Marella: I'll let you in on a little secret... It's not because of my wit, funny accent, carefully-crafted mispronunciation of names or awesome tattoos. It's the quasi-mohawk 'do and unibrow. Mike Adamle: Really? Just that? That's simple enough even for me...  Mike Adamle: Where's the hair stylist? I need to see her NOW! Santino Marella: Ha! I'm just fucking with you! You're as dumb as the boys say you are! My fame is because of my wit, funny accent, carefully-crafted mispronunciation of names and awesome tattoos. Well, maybe not that last one, but you get the point. Now if you excuse me, I need to warm up my accent for tonight. Where's my sexy Beth? Santino leave the room. Mike Adamle: Sexy...? That's it, I need SEXY! There's only one person who can help me with that. Adamle runs around the backstage area, looking for the only person to help him. Adamle spots him in the locker room and runs up to him. Mike Adamle: Oh, am I glad I found you! I desperately need your help. Shawn Michaels: Oh, hi Mike. Blessed Art Thou. Mike Adamle: Um... Yeah, Shane. I need to ask a favor. Shawn Michaels: Of course. We are all God's creation even if you keep calling me "Shane", thus we are brothers, so we should help each other in our time of need. Luke 6:35 says that we should... Mike Adamle: I'm sorry to cut you off, but I really need help. When you started here, you were unknown. Then you became Shawn Michaels, The Sexy Boy. I need to do that too! I can't rely on me being such a great Superstar anymore! I need to be an entertainer, and sexy always sells. Shawn Michaels: Mike, those were very dark days for me. I might have been sexy, I might have had all the fame, money and women I ever wanted, but it wasn't all glamorous. I did drugs, drank a lot, and posed for evil, Devil-spawned magazines like Playgirl. Those days are over for me. Mike Adamle: I wish I was asked to pose for Playgirl...  Mike Adamle: Oh no... Adamle turns to the nearest trash can and starts throwing up. Shawn Michaels: Now you understand the pain I put myself and others through, Mike. Don't follow my footsteps. Mike Adamle: I won't. Thanks for the lesson. Adamle leaves the locker room, still queasy by his thoughts, but also by the fact that he doesn't have an answer for his original problem. Mike Adamle: I'm seriously screwed. My Superstar powers won't help me this time around. I guess it's time to face the music. I'm heading over to Mr. McMahon. Adamle heads to Vince's office. Triple H: ..... So then that guy put those drugs into Jake's drink, and now the video is now posted all over the Internet! I got him good! Vince McMahon: You sure did. Oh, Mike! Excuse us, H. You need something, Mike? Mike Adamle: Yeah... I'm not comfortable with this whole "Entertainer" thing. I fear like my job will be in jeopardy. Vince McMahon: Oh, don't worry about it. To be honest, I'm only doing it to save some bucks on taxes. Sneaky, aren't I? Besides that, it shouldn't affect your function. Mike Adamle: It won't? Vince McMahon: Of course not! We all have our roles on TV. Some have great wrestling matches, others cut great promos, others do excellent play-by-play. Wrestling isn't an individual sport. Sure, we might have one guy who's on top carrying the company, appearing everywhere, selling out arenas and so forth. But if not for the rest of the crew, that person would have no support. No one wants to see a one-man wrestling show. We're all special in our own ways. Mike Adamle: So... It doesn't matter that I'm not the Superstar you hired anymore? Vince McMahon: Of course not! That's not why I'm firing you. Mike Adamle: Whew, I thought I needed... Wait, FIRED????? Vince McMahon: Whoops, I was going to wait until the end of the night to tell you. Mike Adamle: But... Why? Is it because I don't have my hair dyed or cut in a funky way? Or because I don't have a crazy gimmick? Or because I'm not SEXY enough? Vince McMahon: No, it's because you suck. Now here's you last paycheck, and I wish you well in your future endeavors. Here's the door, hope we'll talk soon! Vince pushed Adamle out the office and shuts the door. Mike Adamle: Oh yeah? Well... XFL SUCKED!!! Yeah, that'll teach him. Good thing Mick gave me that phone number. Adamle gets his cell phone and dials a number. It starts ringing. Mike Adamle: ... Hello? Yes, Jeff, this is Mike Adamle, and I was wondering if... Hello? HELLO??? Dammit, I was told that other company takes all the WWE rejects! Mike Adamle leaves the arena, never to be seen again by WWE audiences. His likeness would resurface in 2010 when the WWE releases the highly anticipated sequel named "Bloopers, Bleeps and Bodyslams: 25th Anniversary DVD Edition". Obviously, apologies for possibly the worst Photoshop image editings ever. I just came back home from a concert by The Killers, which was damn awesome, and I had a few drinks during the night without eating a bite since mid-day. So I came up with this idea on the subway ride back home, so here it is. Maybe tomorrow when my mind is clearer, I'll end up regretting it. Well, it felt pretty good to write this again. I really wish I could do this as consistently as I did before, but time won't cooperate with me. Not if I want to move on in my real life, career-wise. I guess I'm already at the age (I'm turning 28 next week) where my ass needs to focus on my career before it's too late. It's weird, because looking at what all of my former classmates are doing, all of them either got married or became parents before their 20's, so most likely they couldn't (or didn't want to) finish college or whatever they were aiming for. Not to say that no one should ever get married or become a parent at an early age. But just make sure you finish your own goals first. Damn, I'm fucking old. Anyway, before I left, I wanted to get something else off my chest before I left tonight. I haven't written anything ever since the last Money in The Bank contract was cashed in. If you've had read some of my older work, you know that I didn't have any love for CM Punk at all. I tried to bash the guy every chance I took. When he won the WWE Championship earlier this year, I called it off as a fluke, where the environment surrounding CM Punk was all for his favor. The WWE had a draft, Triple H wanted to be in Smackdown for his own damn benefit (come on, you know it's true) so the Raw brand was left for a week without a champion. Easiest way out? Have CM Punk cash in his Money In The Bank. I thought that had it been any other way, he would've been the first person to cash in his Money In The Bank contract and lose. So I started to watch his championship run. He was actually coming off as sort of a strong champ, taking on all comers and the like. I was also noticing the cheers for him growing louder and louder on a weekly basis. All of a sudden, I had no bad things to say about the dude. There wasn't anything I could say. Here was this person who I thought would never amount to anything big in the world of the WWE. I swore his closest brush with the Main Event would be starring as a prop for John Cena's Wrestlemania 22 entrance:  I mean, how high (low?) could you go after this? He seemed a good fit for Ring Of Honor and other indy-like promotions, but not the apparent dog-eat-dog world of the WWE. I'm sure people inside the pro wrestling business thought exactly the same way as I did. But he started to show people - he showed me - that you can prove people wrong in any sort of environment. Weeks went by, and I almost gave a damn about CM Punk. Then what happened? He lost the title as quickly as I originally thought he would. Even worse, he lost it without being in the match. I thought he was legitimately injured, so I felt really, really bad. Yeah, I said it: I felt bad for CM Punk losing the championship. Although I might've thought the guy was over-rated (I still don't totally like the dude's style), I thought it was a shitty way to end an improbable title way. Hopefully, the WWE will give him the title once again so he can lose it the right way: Shawn Michaels super-kicking the hell out of him and pinning him in the middle of the ring, while I'm screaming and crying tears of joy in my home. Well, that about wraps this comeback of sorts. Hope you all enjoyed this. I had fun writing it, as usual, and I'm looking forward to the best part of writing columns: getting your comments on how awesome I am... err, I mean about the column. Yeah, that's it. So feel free to leave something - anything - in this thread. Thanks for reading, peeps. Degenerate
|
|