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Submitted by Hustle on Thursday, September 11, 2008 at 9:05 AM EST
 Good lookin out for the graphics work, Noc "Y'all niggaz lunchin, punchin the clock.. my function is to make much, and lay back munchin.." That's basically how it is to hustle, so props to "The Best Rapper Alive", Jay-Z, for putting that into words. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the column that is officially the realest, point blank, period.. Hustle Is Posting Right Now. That, of course, makes me the reason they put the "G" in the alphabet.. the guy who's bulldoggin niggaz like them Georgetown Hoyas.. Hustle. I noticed you noticing me, and I just wanted to put you on notice that I noticed you, too. Ha. I just keep on keepin on, while dropping the occasional corny line here and there. I hope all of you are having a good one, wherever you happen to be while reading this. Looking at my Gucci, it's about that time.. so let's get it crackin like sunflower seeds at a baseball game. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!! A lot of us have had various discussions from time-to-time about the "greatest" something or other, as well as our "favorite" this, that, or the other. It's all a part of being members of the IWC. Go and take a look at LoPForums.com to see how many different threads are there with those very discussions in mind. You can pretty much vote on and rank just about every little thing throughout pro wrestling history. Just for shits and giggles, let's do that here, and let's combine several of those threads into one nice, kinda-sorta-neat-but-not-really-neat column. Hooray padded word counts! Liiiiive from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California.. LordsOfPain.net presents the Hussie Awards, hosted by Hustle! Appearing tonight are.. Christian Bale! Miley Cyrus! Wait.. Miley Cyrus? THE Miley Cyrus? John, is that right? Seriously? What the hell is SHE doing here? What do you mean, "you're still live"? Oh.. shit.. umm.. Miley Cyrus! Samuel L. Jackson! Scarlett Johannson! Will Smith! Britney Spears! With performances by.. Lil Wayne & T-Pain! Chris Brown & Ciara! Rihanna! T.I.! Young Jeezy & Kanye West! Aaaaand nowwwww.. your host.. HUSTLE! *Cheesy awards show music is heard as Hustle walks out on stage, looking as swagtastic as possible* Hustle: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the very first annual Hussie Awards, presented to you by LordsOfPain.net and LoPForums.com, as well as Old Spice Red Zone "Swagger" Deodorant.. The Official Deodorant Of Hustle! Tonight, the stars of music, movies, and wrestling have all gathered here in Los Angeles as we hand out awards to the Greatest Of All-Time in the world of professional wrestling, from wrestlers to finishing moves, entrance themes to matches, and various points in between. This is the biggest collection of stars since.. well.. ever. Personally, I'm not a fan of award shows where the host rants and raves for 45 minutes before the show actually gets started, so I think we should get to it with our very first award of the night. Our first presenter is known for his column series, "The Inner Bubble", as well as the constant smell of french fries everywhere he goes, and his co-presenter is partly responsible for the death of Heath Ledger.. ladies and gentlemen.. Zombiekid and Christian Bale! *Christian Bale comes down from the ceiling, dressed as Batman* Bale: Co-presenter? I'm fuckin Batman! *walks to podium* Hello, everybody. It's great to be here tonight. I'm Chri.. Batman. I took the night off from crime fighting to be here, but I can tell by the excitement on your faces since my arrival that it was worth it. Heckler In The Audience: Heath Ledger owns you! Bale: Shut up! Shut the hell up! That was MY movie, do you hear me?! I gave the performance of a lifetime! I was the star! I was Batman.. *he begins to lose his composure, but quickly tries to regain it* Anyway, tonight isn't about this crime-fighting man in tights, but rather, men in tights who fight each other. The nominees for "Best Finishing Move" are.. The Figure-Four Leglock, performed by "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair The Boot & Legdrop Combo, performed by America's #2 Superhero, Hulk Hogan The Sharpshooter, performed by "The Excellence Of Execution" Bret Hart Sweet Chin Music, performed by "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels The Stone Cold Stunner, performed by "Stone Cold" Steve Austin Bale: And the winner is.. *opens envelope* The Figure-Four Leglock!  (To be eligible for this category, a finisher needs to have some sort of legitimacy to it, or at least, it would be nice if the finisher had some sort of legitimacy to it. As you'll see with a few of the honorable mentions that were chosen, that isn't always the case. It also needs to be something that has won its fair share of matches for the person using it. It would also help if, no matter how many different people you see using the move, you can still almost always attatch one person's name to it. For those reasons, I chose Ric Flair's Figure-Four Leglock. A submission move is good for legitimacy, unless its Taker's Gogoplata. Flair obviously won countless matches with the Figure-Four, and it's a move that will be forever linked to him through the rest of time. There was a time that you knew the match was about to be over when he locked the move in, no matter how big and bad his opponent that night was. I'm not quite sure if he was the very first to add this twist, but he definitely made the whole "while the referee isn't looking, I'll use the ropes for extra leverage" thing famous. I love nice little touches like that, and its just more reason for me to like Ric Flair.) Hustle: Thanks, Chri.. I mean.. Batman. One question, though.. where the fuck was Zombiekid?!? I asked him to come here and present an award with you, and he no-shows, causing you to handle it all by yourself? Goddamn white people. You just can't trust em. You know who I CAN trust, though? Some of my friends in the music business. I reached out to a bunch of them for some performances here, and people were lining up to perform for all of you. First up is a beauty from Barbados, performing her new single, "Disturbia". Folks, I bring you.. Rihanna.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ULddYMZmBY Hustle: Rihanna, do yourself a favor and give me a call after the show. Moving along with the show, we have another set of presenters here for you folks. He's a top-notch DJ, and she's someone I'd like to give me a top-notch B.. umm.. damn, we're never gonna get this show by the censors.. anyway, give it up for Senor Brilliant and Scarlett Johannson! *Ms Johannson walks out in a stunning burgandy-colored evening gown, only to be brushed aside by Mr Brilliant, in an even more stunning matching green Polo brand outfit* Brilliant: Hello, here we go yo I'm kicking it with Scarlett Jo in tow. The man with all the hoes but he hates sluts so he turns his nose. Stealing the show like a pro and killing em with the flow. I stay stacking that dough accumulating it like snow. Living in my chateau high up on an plateau. I feed my foes to the crows on the down low. Straight blinding all the does with my glow. The lover of the grass that grows and Polo'd out from tips to toes. I am Seņor Brilliant in case you didn't know. *The crowd is in stunned silence* Brilliant: Aww shit its the Hussies son!! Que bueno patos y come mi bicho bitches. What a jubilant occasion this is with such distinguished presenters and magnificent nominees. Tis a grand show being put forth on the majestic LoP Main Page indeed. Truly what a splendid honor it is for me to be invited here by the H in HIPRN, Irv Gotti's stunt double, the man with iron fingers and a fan of my beloved C's little bitches.. Hustle. Now, getting down to the business.. this hot piece of ass.. and Scarlett Jo.. are proud to present, to you, the award for Greatest Face Since The Dawn Of TIME!! Johannson: And the nominees are.. *Brooke's father on "Brooke Knows Best".. the King Of The Fu Man Chu 'stache, and a flaunter of head wraps.. Hulk "Help, My Family Is Falling Apart" Hogan* *The Master Of The Middle Finger, wearer of his own t shirts, and a parader of the goatee.. Stunningly Stone Cold.. Steve "I Spill More Beer Than I Drink" Austin* *That guy who Flair fought in the 80s, and a proud supporter of the karate outfit and no facial hair.. Ricky "I Thought Of The Dragon Nickname First" Steamboat* *Mr Not-Afraid-To-Play-A-Gay-Guy.. the tribal tattoo possessing, track pant sporting, eyebrow elevating.. Rocky "My Teeth Are So White You Don't Notice My Hair Is Receding" Maivia.. The Rock* *Cody Rhodes' sperm donor.. the crimson mask wearing, sideburn brandishing, proud displayer of denim.. Dusty "Damn, That Dude Talks Funny" Rhodes* Brilliant: Goddamn, did you come up with all of that yourself? Not bad. Well, before these people have to wait any longer.. the winner is.. Hulk Hogan!  (By "face", I mean as far as being a face or a heel in wrestling goes, not who I think would be the handsomest wrestler of all-time, as I don't need to travel down the "no homo" road once again. A part of me wanted to give Steve Austin the nod here, as there's no denying his popularity over a several-year stretch. However, what made me go with Hogan instead of Austin was the fact that Austin wasn't a true face wrestler when you really stop and think about it. He was always out for himself, wasn't looking for friends or allies, didn't necessarily care whether the fans cheered him or not, etc. There's nothing wrong with that, of course. I'm just saying that Hulk Hogan was the quintessential face wrestler for over 12 straight years, before taking a bit of a break to go turn heel, and then right back to being a major babyface once again. He wrestled by the book, loved his fans, gave props to "The Man Upstairs", and fought the forces of evil.. and people LOVED him every step of the way. When he'd walk through the curtain for his matches, you could hear the thunderous ovations he'd get in every arena in every city in every state that the WWF was running in.) Hustle: Really, that doesn't surprise me one bit. I called that from the very beginning. I just KNEW that son of a bitch would bring up his Celtics beating my Lakers for the NBA Title. Fuck. Oh, and Hulk Hogan being voted as the Greatest Face Of All Time was pretty easy to predict, as well. It's time for our next musical performance of the night. The hardest working man in hip-hop was kind enough to grace us with his presence, and he even brought a guest along with him. Give it up for Lil Wayne, with special guest, T-Pain.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keA88ud1qMs Hustle: Fuck a hater. Hip-hop is not dead, and it will never die. Some people need to understand that hip-hop is a culture, and not just a bunch of songs. That's an entirely different argument for another awards show, however, so let's continue on with this one, shall we? First up, a gentleman, a scholar, and a man who can cook the hell out of anything you put in front of him.. MissouriDragon! His co-presenter is the most surprising attendee that we have here tonight.. Miley Cyrus, known to some of you as Hannah Montana! *MissouriDragon strolls out in a Brioni tuxedo, while Ms. Cyrus is wearing some Hannah Montana shit, shilling for Disney* Dragon: Good evening, one and all. My name is MissouriDragon, and I grew up in a sleepy little town in the country. While that may seem idyllic to some, in reality there wasn't much to do but drink cheap beer and bang underaged country girls who were too dumb to realize that you weren't actually in love with them and had no real intentions of marrying them. Good times. Since we're on the subject of dumb underaged country girls, allow me to introduce my co-presenter for the award of Greatest Match Of All-Time.. the lovely and marginally talented Miley Cyrus! Cyrus: Marginally talented? Just so you know, I won Best New Singer at last year's Hussie Awards. Dragon: Zing! Well, don't tell my heart.. my achy breaky heart.. I just don't think he'd understand. When are you gonna realize that your singing career is going nowhere slow until you trade in those extensions for a proper mullet? Cyrus: First of all, what's a mullet? Second of all, TRL had my video at #1 for a while, and my next video is coming out soon, so my singing career is doing just fine. Third of all, what the heck is your problem, anyway? Dragon: Whatever. Ask your father what a mullet is. He'll explain. Then, ask him what incest is. Then, go back to the Disney Channel so I can not give a damn about you again. And now.. here are the nominees.. Hulk Hogan VS Andre The Giant, from WrestleMania 3 Randy Savage VS Ricky Steamboat, also from WrestleMania 3 Ric Flair VS Ricky Steamboat, from WrestleWar 89 Steve Austin VS Bret Hart, from WrestleMania 13 Hulk Hogan VS Ultimate Warrior, from WrestleMania 6 Cyrus: Somewhere in Japan, a couple of guys named Kawada and Misawa are feeling left out. Dragon: Yeah, that's.. wait.. WHAT?? Cyrus: Huh? *Dragon stares at her in amazement for a few seconds* Dragon: Wow. Umm, the winner is.. opens envelope Savage VS Steamboat!  (While being a technical classic would help, that definitely wasn't the only thing I was looking for when trying to decide the greatest match of all-time. I also took into consideration just how much historical importance the particular match had.. maybe it led to some memorable moments, or maybe it was the launching of someone's career, or maybe it was a listed reason as why some of the best in the business became wrestling fans themselves, etc. The atmosphere was also something I had to look into, as without a hot crowd, even a great match can just seem average. I, obviously, could've went in hundreds of different directions here. Come to think of it, I just may have gone in hundreds of different directions before finally settling on this match. Held in front of one of the biggest crowds in wrestling history, even if the attendance figures may be doctored a bit, this was a five-star classic of a match that was years ahead of its time, in my opinion. It had a bit of everything going into it.. the aforementioned crowd, the storyline hatred between both men, two world-class wrestlers, and a big-time title to fight over. It wasn't the main event of WrestleMania 3, but it was definitely the match that stole the show, and its the first thing I think of when that event comes into conversation. It was also my first real viewing of Ricky Steamboat's work, which made me want to continue watching him as the years went by, whether it was live, through tapes, or over the internet. I owe a lot of great wrestling watching to this particular match.) Hustle: Miley, can you do me a favor and come over here for a second? I need to say something to you. *She walks over from the podium to the side-stage* Cyrus: Yes? *He pulls out a small bottle of baby powder, opens it up, pours a bit onto his right hand and stares at it for a few seconds before open-hand slapping her across the face, sending her to the ground* Hustle: There never is a three! Bitch. Ladies and gentlemen.. Chris Brown is in the building.. and he brought a guest with him.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNHIOZ1UCps Hustle: Who the hell was that? David Banner isn't here! Security! We need to get on with the show, so let's bring out our next set of presenters. First up is one of the biggest fans of the Dallas Mavericks I know, and a cocky Fantasy Football player. Next up is the man who has the summer blockbusters on lock. Give it up for Mavsman and Will Smith! *They both come walking out towards the podium* Mavsman: The award for Greatest Heel Of All-Time is, quite possibly, the most prestigious of all the Hussie Awards because, I, Mavsman, am presenting it. Smith: Don't forget about me. I was in "I, Robot" and "Men In Black", you know. Mavsman: Nobody cares about you, Will. I'm Mavsman. I was a semi-finalist in the LoPForums Columns Forum Invitational. Smith: I starred in "The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air". *There's an awkward pause as Mavsman tries to think of something to respond with* Damn right. Now shut up. The nominees for Greatest Heel Of All-Time are.. "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan Eric Bischoff Vince McMahon Ric Flair Vickie Guerrero Smith: And the winner is.. wow.. nice contrasting sweep here.. "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan!  (I had to think long and hard about this one. There have been some really great heels in the history of wrestling, but what Hulk Hogan did when he turned his back on WCW and on his "Hulkamaniacs" was something like this industry had never seen before, nor has it been seen since. For Hulk Hogan.. THE Hulk Hogan.. to turn heel was unthinkable. Unfathomable. Unbelievable. Fans threw trash into the ring during "Hollywood" Hogan promos as if it was a New York City sidewalk. How DARE Hulk Hogan turn on the children that he helped raise for years by telling them to train, say their prayers, and take their vitamins?! He was such a despised heel during his time in WCW that both face and heel wrestlers would join forces, seemingly "breaking character" just to battle the evil Hulk Hogan and his nWo, which was definitely cool to see happen. As time went on, and Hogan took his act to WWE, the crazy nostalgia factor won the fans back over, and even though he was supposed to be getting booed, he was getting bigger and bigger face pops every week, to the point that the fans actually turned against The Rock, who was the biggest face in the company at the time. That aside, however, for his work that he put in as a heel, and even for the dislike he had from the members of the IWC for holding down several wrestlers while on top in WCW, Hogan gets the nod here. Greatest Face and Greatest Heel. Wow.) Hustle: Our next musical performance is-.. Voice In The Crowd: Hustlecake! Hustlecake! Hustle: Sweet Jesus.. ladies and gentlemen, it's LoP's own anonymous! Give nony a round of applause. nony: I miss Genny. Hustle: I know you do, but this isn't-.. nony: I miss Steve. Hustle: Umm.. this REALLY isn't a good-.. nony: I miss CoLd. Hustle: Well, I have a pleasant surprise for you coming up in a little while then, but you need-.. nony: I miss Morph. Hustle: Security! *Security makes their way towards nony, who runs off* What.. the.. fuck.. is going on?? Goddamnit, let's just get to the next performance already. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.. Young Jeezy, featuring Kanye West! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sw1D4P8DQFE Hustle: Damn, the censors had to really work overtime there, didn't they? Moving on with the show, before they completely kick us off the air.. he's one of the blackest and hippest people you'll ever meet in your life, and the other guy is Samuel L Jackson.. make some noise for the author of "Tries His Hardest (Not Really)", CoLd, and the star of the upcoming movie, "Lakeview Terrace", as well as a man whose beer will get you drunk, Samuel L. Jackson! *CoLd and SLJ walk out, with both men appearing to be wearing the same hoodie* CoLd: Wow, what an honor it is to stand here with you, Mr Jackson. If someone would've told me that one day I'd be presenting an award side-by-side with Samuel L Jackson, I would've called them a crackhead. SLJ: If someone would've told me I would be presenting with some fat nobody, I wouldn't have accepted! Ha! CoLd: Couldn't be as bad as starring in "Deep Blue Sea".. SLJ: You motherfucker! CoLd: Ladies and gents, we are here to present the Hussie for Greatest Tag Team Of All-Time. SLJ: John Travolta is here?! CoLd: Fuck it.. let's take a look at the nominees.. Edge & Christian The Dudley Boyz aka Team 3-D The Steiner Brothers The Road Warriors aka The Legion Of Doom The Hart Foundation SLJ: No, I can't stop yelling, 'cause that's how I talk! Haven't you seen my movies?! "Juice"! That was a good one! CoLd: Security! Fuck.. the winners are.. Edge & Christian!  (This was one of the tougher choices that I had to make for this column. So tough a choice, in fact, that I'm still not quite satisfied with my selection, nor would I have been with any team that I picked in this spot. Edge & Christian worked so well together for years, were a part of some of the best tag team matches of this generation, helped bring TLC matches to the forefront of wrestling, had some hilarious promos together, had better chemistry than a lot of actual brother tag teams, and while it shouldn't count towards their tag team rankings, they both have enjoyed tremendous singles success outside of the team. I guess that could count a little bit, as it means that both men, while working as a team, had all of that talent and potential stored away. As I mentioned, though, I legitimately could've went with anywhere up to a dozen or so teams, given them the nod here, and made a really strong case for them. This was too tough a call, and I'm expecting a lot of disagreements coming from it. I won't back down, though. Well, maybe if.. no.. no, I won't back down. Not even for all the chocolate chip cookies in the world.) Hustle: I've been known to switch things up from time to time, just to keep people on their toes. This is one of those times. I'll bet you folks were expecting another musical performance here, weren't you? Well, take THIS, as it's now time for the presentation of another award! Our next presenter is currently in the middle of a comeback, both musically, as well as in her "real life". Her co-presenter is the single biggest star out of everyone in this entire arena, and is, quite possibly, the best person I know, and is a true American hero. Ladies and gentlemen, continuing her comeback.. Britney Spears! Her co-presenter.. is me! *Britney walks out, trying to stifle some laughter* Spears: Hi, Hustle. Thanks for allowing me to be here. Hustle: I'm gonna be honest with you.. this wasn't my idea. I was contacted and told that it would be a good idea to have you make the appearance, as you're in the middle of your "White Trash Slut To Not-As-Much-Of-A-White-Trash-Slut" tour. Spears: What the hell is that supposed to mean?! Hustle: Look, it would probably be a best for you if you just stand there, smile, show off some cleavage, and let me handle my thug thizzle here. That way, we can get this over with quicker, I can get back to Rihanna, and you can get back to picking the scabs off of your snizz. Spears: I didn't come here to be insulted like-.. *Hustle pulls the bottle of baby powder out* Here are the nominees for Greatest Moment Of All-Time! Eddie Guerrero & Chris Benoit hugging at the end of WrestleMania 20 Scott Hall's debut appearance on WCW Monday Nitro Hulk Hogan bodyslams Andre The Giant at WrestleMania 3 Hulk Hogan turns heel and joins the nWo Steve Austin delivers the Stone Cold Stunner to Vince McMahon for the very first time Hustle: Open the envelope for me, woman. *Britney carefully opens the envelope* The winner is.. Eddie Guerrero & Chris Benoit hugging at the end of WrestleMania 20! Speaking of "the end", we're at that point in the show now, but before we go, we have one more musical performance. This one is from the man who has been titled "The King Of The South". He's here, dipping into his bag of singles, and hitting us with a bit of a throwback. Folks, get on your feet for.. T.I.! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2qmznwcVOA Hustle: That does it for the Hussie Awards. I want to thank my LoP fam.. CoLd, MissouriDragon, Senor Brilliant, Mavsman, and Zombiekid. Thanks to the folks that showed me love and made appearances here tonight.. even you, Miley. See you at the after party, everyone. Goodnight! Thank you to the following for helping me create ideas for this column: - Muhammad Ali - Michael Jordan - Tiger Woods - Willie Mays - The "Ric Flair: Definitive Collection" DVD set Thank you to the following for helping me get through this column: - Chicken Katsu - Masta Ace's "A Long Hot Summer" album - Masta Ace's "Disposable Arts" album - Lil Wayne's "Tha Carter 3" album - Sennheiser headphones Writer's Note: This column was for the "greatest", and not necessarily for what I would pick as my "favorite". Therefore, you may have seen me call something the "greatest" in this column, and yet something else got my recognition in another column. Now you know why. Another thing, as I'm sure some people would've brought this to my attention, but these are all my OPINIONS here. If you don't agree with any of my choices, that's fine and dandy, and its your right to do so. Feel free to drop me a line and let me know which choices you disagreed with, and why. Yet another edition of HIPRN is now in the books. This was a difficult one, overall, for me to write, even with the help from other people. I like it when I can formulate my flows into an idea, and just get to typing and typing and typing, finishing up an entire column in a day or so, but this one took me a while. If I didn't have a serious case of A.D.D., I would probably be able to finish up columns in a couple hours or so. This one was up to the 2000-word mark within an hour or so, which is incredibly fast-paced for me, so I was happy about that. Either way, I'm on top of the game, and fuck if you like it or not, so don't knock me cause you're boring. Thanks for riding with me once again, everybody. I don't know why I keep saying it, because you should all know how it works by now, but I'll be back with another edition of HIPRN in approximately one weeks time.. same Hustle time, same Hustle page. Until then, however, I'm gone like The Wrath Of Khan, nah'mean? From The 50th State, I bid you farewell. Aloha and Mahalo Nui Loa. "Life can change ya directions, even when you ain't planned it.. all you can do is handle it.. worst thing you can do is panic.. use it to your advantage.. avoid insanity.. manage to conquer every obstacle.. make impossible possible.. even when winning's illogical, losing's still far from optional.." Hustle HIPRNFeedback@gmail.com 
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