DaveyBoy’s Wrestling Menu – WWE’s American Football Team + Unforgiven Review Submitted by DaveyBoy on Wednesday, September 10, 2008 at 12:08 AM EST
THE WRESTLING MENU #281
Welcome one and all to the 281st edition of The Wrestling Menu, the column that is sure to satisfy your taste buds when it comes to discussing all things wrestling.
Well, the season is over for my Australian Rules football team after losing the last 2 games of the home & away season, earning an interstate final against Sydney and getting booted out in week-1 of the finals. That makes me a sad panda. Although, my weekends look a lot more sparse all of a sudden, so maybe I will find something useful to do with one of the next few... Like watch a WWE DVD that has been in my possession for almost 9 months now!
Actually, I suppose I should first spend that time catching up on replying to emails. I apologize for getting behind on them as of late, especially the dozen or so of you that I have not responded back to as yet. I’ll get there folks.
It’s on with the Unforgiven Canadian Football show…..
APPETIZERS
Learn Math If You Are Canadian
I know this seems a bit like filler (probably because it is), but I was almost not going to have an ‘Appetizers’ section to today’s column due to the lengths of today’s ‘Main’ & ‘Dessert’ topics. But I thought something is better than nothing and this was worthy of a follow-up from last week’s column where I mentioned the subject in the introductory portion of ‘The Wrestling Menu #280’.
If you will recall, a reader of mine had alerted me to the fact that WWE asked any Canadian resident who won a sweepstakes from their website a mathematical question over the phone. To be rightfully declared the winner, the Canadian would have to answer the question correctly. However, it was later brought to my attention that this was in fact Canadian law set down by my government.
I was still fairly curious as to (1) the reason for the law, and (2) an example of some kind. Thankfully, I have once more had a reader come good and been able to satisfy my curiosity to some extent. So special thanks go to Matthew R, who emailed the following: … it is true. We have a law that exists which requires us to answer a mathematical skill testing question if we win a prize under any legal contest or sweepstakes. It has to be at least a 4 part question (For Example; 10 times 2 divided by 2 plus 5). The law was created in order to make sure Canadians do not win anything by only pure luck. We must use some skill to win prizes. This is true for all lotteries in Canada as well.
As they say, you learn something every day! Man that just sounds weird to me. I mean you wouldn’t be in the situation to win anything in the first place if it was not for luck. I guess I can see where the government is coming from, but it still seems a little strange to me.
Personally, I am mathematically minded so any similar kind of question would be answered correctly in a heartbeat. But I can see such a question causing issues to people who do not handle pressurized situations properly. Imagine winning $1 million plus in a lottery and then not getting it because you panicked when asked a math question. Ouch!
The moral of the story is that if you are Canadian, make sure you know your math.
MAIN
3 Part Football’ing Wrestlers Series
Ok, we have come to the final installment of this 3-part series where I name what I feel is the best possible American Football team made up of all current WWE wrestlers. Over the past 2 weeks, I have listed a soccer & Australian Rules football team and this week sees the turn of the gridiron.
Why do I get the feeling that American readers have been waiting for this and are ready to jump down my throat to give me a lecture on the difference in skills required between offensive and defensive linemen…??? Come on people, I already know this. It’s all in the shape of the belly! ;-)
Ok, here goes nothing….. And yes, I have come up with my own kind of offensive formation a little. Let’s blame it on Big Daddy V’s release, shall we!
WWE’s American Football Team
DEFENCE
Safeties: Shawn Michaels – Chris Jericho
Cornerbacks: JTG – Paul London
Linebackers: Edge – John Cena – Mr. Kennedy - Carlito
Defensive Linemen: Batista – JBL – The Undertaker
OFFENCE
Quarterback: Randy Orton
Running Back: MVP
Full Back: Finlay
Wide Receivers: Matt Hardy – Shelton Benjamin – Jeff Hardy
Tight End: Triple H
Offensive Linemen: Lance Cade – Umaga – The Big Show - Kane
EXPLANATIONS
SHAWN MICHAELS (Free Safety): In reality, I am unsure Michaels would have the necessary pace to fill the role of free safety, but it was too difficult to leave him out of the team altogether, while the alternate position of Wide Receiver may have been even more beyond him. At least in this position, HBK could use his experience and knowledge to be able to read the opposition’s play and react best to position himself appropriately.
CHRIS JERICHO (Strong Safety): It is almost a given that wherever Michaels is positioned on any code of football field, then Jericho will be nearby. A’la HBK, Y2J should be able to read the field well from this position and would be trustworthy in a number of defensive situations. As the Strong Safety, this would also include keeping check of the tight-end (if being used) or coming up to help in run support.
JTG (Cornerback): Quick enough & athletic enough to be able to handle oppositions Wide Recievers. Plus, he is about the correct height and has that extra little bit of strength to be able to handle the stronger receivers.
PAUL LONDON (Cornerback): Not too dissimilar to JTG, London would more be the defender to handle the speedier wide receivers down the field.
EDGE (Outside Linebacker): Edge seems like a natural for this position. His best attribute would be his speed, which would enable him to come up and pressure the quarterback. But I also think he has sufficient size and strength to keep a runner from getting outside, while his excellent height and wingspan would always be handy when either trying to bat down an attempted pass or knock the ball away from a receiver when isolated down the field.
CARLITO (Outside Linebacker): This choice was not one which immediately came to mind and is more for flexibility reasons than anything else. When you think about it, Carlito could make for a potentially good player at this position, as a middle linebacker or as a safety. Forget substitutions, just move players around, that is what I say. While many consider Carlito a smaller wrestler, that is more due to his style. Some forget that he has above-average height & strength as well, which would enable him to play a linebacker position in my opinion.
JOHN CENA (Middle Linebacker): There is just too much Brian Urlacher in Cena for me not to place him here. You could very easily see Cena playing the defensive team captain role, barking out orders as he sees the opposition’s offense shift all over the place, and generally motivating his team-mates to excel. He also has about the right height, weight and athletic ability to play such a position.
MR.KENNEDY (Middle Linebacker): The heir apparent to Cena, I could see Kennedy pretty much possessing all the same tools, but not being anywhere near as consistent. The results would simply not quite meet the potential with Kennedy and it seems that pretty much every NFL team out there has a linebacker that is in exactly the same situation.
BATISTA (Defensive Lineman): In all honesty, I initially had The Animal on the offensive line. But then I realized that he does indeed pack a punch when gaining momentum to deliver either a spear or a clothesline in the corner. That exact type of situation which sees him use an explosive burst of pace & strength over only a short distance would theoretically make him a terrific exterior defensive lineman. Watch out quarterbacks!
JBL (Defensive Lineman): I was too lazy to look up which possession JBL played during his football career. His current weight & lack of agility would seem to suggest the offensive line is the best place for him now, but I get the feeling he is best used battling away on the defensive side of the ball where he could use his extra height and intelligence to not only effectively stop the run, but also to reach up and bat a few passes down.
THE UNDERTAKER (Defensive Lineman): While The Undertaker cannot move like he used to, I still see him as one of those veteran defensive linemen who is able to play both inside & outside on the line and act as a team captain of sorts. While he wouldn't look flashy at all, the phenom would simply get the job done and would surprise everyone come the end of the season when they see the multitude of defensive achievements he has successfully accomplished.
RANDY ORTON (Quarterback): Orton seems the best option at QB for mine and that has nothing to do with the fact that the Chicago Bears currently have a player with the same surname playing the same position. Randy appears to be the perfect height for a QB. He also has that muscular, yet lean, look that most QB's possess. He is agile, without being a supreme athlete and he is also about the right age to be a quarterback at his peak. Hell, even the hair style seems right. The fans may not entirely like the decision, but Orton is WWE's starting QB.
MVP (Running Back): The choice of MVP as the running back of WWE's American Football team mainly comes down to his rather low center of gravity. The best running backs, no matter what their height and weight, have that difficult to explain low crouch which sees them tend to remain on their feet when they get hit. MVP appears to have this characteristic, while possessing a nice combination of speed & strength and being that in-between height that suits the position well.
FINLAY (Full Back): The full-back is the often forgotten, yet very important, piece of an NFL team. Players who fill this role will be the ultimate team player & often go unnoticed for the majority of the game, despite playing a major role in many of the team's scores. Is there anyone in WWE who does so much and gets as little kudos as Finlay. The guy held up the SmackDown upper card last year and never looked like winning the World Title. Hell, Finlay has even played a part in training & booking the WWE's 2 Women's divisions, unbeknownst to some. And this isn't even mentioning his bruising nature & rugged style, both traits of a quality full back.
MATT HARDY (Wide Receiver): It's 3rd down & 8 and a key pass play needs to be made. Who is your man? The ever-reliable Matt Hardy of course. While not having the height of the quality wide-receivers, Matt would simply get the job done on a consistent basis due to his work-ethic and ability to do what is best for the team. Of course, he also has the skills to occasionally look spectacular, but that would be predominantly left up to a certain relative of his...
JEFF HARDY (Wide Receiver): The flashy & speedy guy who often gets thrown the long ball, Jeff would not necessarily be the most talented guy in the team, but he would often pull off that huge moment which could win the game. Of course, the flip-side of this would be the fact that he is rather inconsistent, but wouldn't football be a boring game if it was played by a bunch of robots that wouldn't dye their hair (presuming robots actually had hair, but that's irrelevant).
SHELTON BENJAMIN (Wide Receiver): All teams need an athletic & arrogant wide-receiver who talks smack to the opposition. Come on, it's America! (Oops, should I have said that? Oh well, too late now.) Benjamin's college track experience would undoubtedly serve him well in this position and while he could use a few extra inches of height for this role, he isn't exactly Rey Mysterio either.
TRIPLE H (Tight End): While there are a few competitors to H for this role, I think no-one on the WWE roster is as rounded to fulfill it than the future 83 time World Champion. His often forgotten height will work well for him in both a blocking and catching role, while his strength would also assist the former requirement from the position. Finally, his ability to come up with the big play when required would be the clinching factor. While Tight End is rarely a position where a player can ultimately win a game, H could quite possibly be the man to change that perception.
KANE (Offensive Lineman): Big, strong & tall, Kane should be able to handle the strongest of defensive linemen. But probably more importantly, the Big Red Machine has the necessary agility to be able to counter an explosive defensive end such as Batista.
LANCE CADE (Offensive Lineman): Pretty much a younger version of Kane, who could be able to initially play the role of the exterior linemen initially, before moving to the interior as age and weight took its toll on him.
UMAGA (Offensive Lineman): The fat guy that all good NFL teams need on their offensive line, simply to stop the fat guys that line up against him on the defensive side of the ball. (I think I am offending all kinds of people with this topic, which was not at all my attention.)
THE BIG SHOW (Offensive Lineman): QB Orton probably would not agree with this positional decision as he would have to throw the ball a whole lot higher to get it over The Big Show's head. But Orton isn't picking this team, I am. So he can either live with it, or get splinters on the pine while Dibiase or Rhodes took his place. And while I am at it, I hate the fact that there are 269 players roaming the sidelines. I want my players to be multi-skilled, so Orton is the kicker & punter as well.
Whoever screwed up last would be the holder for Orton's kicking, while I think someone like Jamie Noble would make a good kamikaze special teams player. London and/or Kendrick would be the kickoff/punt returners, while Vince (Lombardi) McMahon would obviously be the head coach.
DESSERT
’Unforgiven’ Review
For those that cannot recall my previous PPV review columns, this is the key that explains what the final PPV Rating means:
<50: Ask for a refund for not only your money, but also your time. [F] (Armageddon '04) 50-54: Mediocre & disappointing. [D] (EG: No Way Out '07) 55-59: Average. [C] (EG: Vengeance ‘07) 60-64: Worth A Watch. [C+] (EG: Great American Bash ’08) 65-69: Good event that was worth the money. [B] (EG: Night Of Champions '08) 70-74: Very good. [B+] (EG: Summer Slam '08) 75-79: Make sure you add this ppv to your video or dvd collection. [A] (EG: Royal Rumble '08) 80+: Make sure that the video or DVD is locked in a safe & cannot be erased. Memorable. [A+]
MATT HARDY defeated MARK HENRY, THE MIZ, CHAVO GUERRERO & FINLAY in a Scramble Match to Win the ECW Title: Matt Hardy (to a great pop) & hometown zero The Miz kick things off with predominantly pedestrian offense interspersed amongst a few 2 counts. Towards the end of the 5 minute period, Miz hits his Reality Check finisher, but Matt rolls out of the ring to frustrate the heel. Following the predictable live crowd countdown to signal the entry of our 3rd participant, Chavo capitalizes on Miz's work to hit a frog splash on Matt for a pinfall! Chavo really helps in kicking this bout up into an extra gear, with all 3 men looking good but Matt the one to gain a result after an entertaining flurry of offense leads to another pinfall. Mark Henry then enters at the 10 minute mark & the 3 others fail in their bid to triple-team the huge reigning champ. Totally dominating his opposition, he regains prime position by pinning Chavo after a World's Strongest Slam.
It isn't until Finlay enters that anyone other than Henry gets in any meaningful offense. A couple of DDT's followed by a shillelagh shot clears Henry from the ring allowing the 2 faces to duke it out. Mass chaos later ensues for a moment as Finlay pins Matt and then Matt quickly pins The Miz. That is with 3 minutes remaining and Hardy tactically sees out the remaining time by continuously breaking up pinfall attempts while successfully steering clear of trouble himself. An inconsistent 20 minutes worth, but the good surprisingly outweighed the bad here as it was ultimately entertaining due to some predominantly clever booking which allowed the strengths of the wrestlers to be worked around. The opening 5 minutes was a little patchy & Henry went a little bear-hug happy at one stage, but this made for not only a very good ppv opener, but also a promising first ever scramble match. Match Rating... 8
CODY RHODES & TED DIBIASE defeated CRYME TYME to Retain the World Tag-Team Titles: The face challengers own the opening minutes with Shad even launching JTG high over the top-rope to both champs on the floor. Cryme Tyme continue to impress afterwards & it takes a while for Dibiase & Rhodes to use some under-handed double-teaming to regain control. While the pace slows at this stage, it never gets too stagnant & there is sufficient old-school tag psychology involved here to keep it on track. Important in allowing it to do that is the fact that this match was given the time to play out, ultimately not ending until the 12 minute mark.
The above-average finishing sequence sees Rhodes miss a gorgeous looking moonsault (think Kurt Angle-like), resulting in Shad getting the hot tag & cleaning house. The match breaks down from there and a slightly anti-climactic ending sees a reversed roll-up allow the champs to retain. Wow... That was surprisingly impressive by all concerned and I thoroughly enjoyed this, without it ever attaining astronomical heights. To top it all off, a junior Wild Samoan (later named as Manu) comes out to help Rhodes & Dibiase beat down the faces afterwards. 2nd & 3rd Generation stable, here we come! Match Rating... 7.5
SHAWN MICHAELS defeated CHRIS JERICHO in an Unsanctioned Match: Jericho has the crowd in the palm of his hands without even saying a word prior to HBK's entrance. With intensity in his eyes, Michaels takes it straight to Y2J & scores early with boot shots to the head. The action then moves into the crowd and around ringside for a while, where chairs & tables begin to play a role. Back in the ring, Jericho scores with some chair-shots before HBK replies with a straight out choke & a top-rope elbow-drop. But he deems it too early for Sweet Chin Music, instead laying in with fists to the eye. A crossface follows, but Y2J counters cleverly to send his opponent face-first into a chair, enabling him to eventually lock on the Walls of Jericho and not release it until Michaels somehow manages to grab & use a fire extinguisher. HBK then controls the action down the entrance-way, until Lance Cade interferes and helps his fellow heel target Michaels' injured arm. So much so that it appears as if the bout could end there shy of the 20 minute mark.
Alas, there is indeed a HBK comeback still in store & it is one hell of a comeback too. Highlighted by an elbow-drop of both heels through an announce table, Michaels subsequently wails away with his leather belt to Y2J's eye, leading to the referee stoppage (despite Lillian initially announcing that submission & pinfall were the only 2 ways to win the match) after 27 minutes of grueling action. The aftermath sees a possessed looking HBK sweet chin music a referee. Phew, that was something. In all honesty, it was not the best match these 2 have ever performed against each other, but it very much achieved its purpose in furthering their feud by simply having a brutal, involving & practically tiring bout. It is not totally ridiculous to suggest that these 2 could feud up until WrestleMania 25. While that initially seems ridiculous to suggest, it is indeed possible as these 2 could make a competition of who could recite the alphabet faster engrossing. Match Rating... 8
TRIPLE H defeated JEFF HARDY, SHELTON BENJAMIN, THE BRIAN KENDRICK & MVP in a Scramble Match to Retain the WWE Championship: The no-brainer of the night sees Jeff & Shelton begin here with crisp wrestling, counters & near-falls being the order of the day initially, before the pace slows down a little too much. The 3rd man into the ring is The Brian Kendrick, who initially picks his spots well, but eventually falls victim to an awesome wheelbarrow-like face-plant that sees Hardy gain the first pinfall of the bout! Not long later though, Kendrick exacts revenge with The Kendrick & scores a pinfall of his own... End the match here damn it!!! An opportunity to have a huge pop for a Triple H entrance is then forfeited as MVP enters next to some scattered crowd cheers. What follows is somewhere in between chaotic & directionless with Kendrick more than holding his own. A conspiracy theorist would suggest that nothing meaningful could occur until Triple H entered & he predictably cleans house when he does, scoring a pinfall after pedigreeing Kendrick.
With 4 minutes remaining, it becomes apparent that Jeff Hardy has been dormant for a while and that is a cue for him to rush in and hit MVP with a Twist of Fate for his 2nd pinfall of the match with just 3 minutes remaining. A minute later, H pedigrees Kendrick for his 2nd as well, but Jeff one-ups the reigning champ by sneakily hitting a swanton on the former Spanky for yet another 3 count! Jeff & H then duke it out to ringside, leaving the other 3 to take part in a huge electric-chair/superplex spot. The hectic & exciting final seconds see HHH & Jeff both go for covers (on separate opponents) with H sneaking in just in time to be awarded the bout. That was a great climax, but it could have been even better with a little more controversy & the ref counting both covers. To be honest, the first 15 minutes here was inconsistent & slightly disappointing considering the participants, but like the ECW opener, it was ultimately rather entertaining & the final quarter was as involving as anything on the night. Match Rating... 7.5
MICHELLE McCOOL defeated MARYSE to Retain the Divas Championship: It was difficult to get involved in this as in addition to there being not much of a feud between the 2, neither really have any sort of character. That's a shame because Maryse does have some kind of potential character-wise with her arrogant heel shtick. She can also take a decent bump as she proved here in what was initially a decent & even bout. Unfortunately, the 2 couldn't keep it up over the 6 minute duration and things soon got a combination of messy & boring. The sense of inevitability also didn’t help as Michelle was always going to win & she did so with a face-buster. Match Rating... 4
THE BIG SHOW / VICKI GUERRERO / THE UNDERTAKER Segment: This was quite possibly one of the weakest pay-per-view segments that I can recall seeing. A total bore for the first 10 minutes, The Big Show heel turn was so painfully predictable & obvious due to his over-acting, that I sort of felt embarrassed for all involved. Making it worse, some weak brawling (pretty much all punching) followed which dragged this entire schamozzle out to (... wait for it...) 18 minutes worth! How many turns is that now since The Big Show came back all of 7 months ago!?!?!? Segment Rating... 2
CHRIS JERICHO defeated BATISTA, KANE, REY MYSTERIO & JBL in a Scramble Match to Win the World HeavyWeight Title: Fairly standard big man action between Batista & JBL opens up proceedings here, before The Animal targets his opponent’s knee & even fills some time with a figure 4 leglock. Only 4 minutes (yes, I said 4 due to that previous segment lasting so long) passes before Kane enters with his new more ominous entrance theme and even more big man action follows. JBL disappears for a while and when he re-enters the action, he gets caught with a choke-slam by Kane for the opening pinfall. Rey Mysterio enters at the 10 minute mark with new chest tattoos and what appears to be a mohawk (or was it part of his mask?). He obviously picks the pace of the bout up a little & there is some nice double-teaming & by-play involving he & Batista, but nothing really stands out as memorable.
With the entrants clearly coming out every 4 minutes, mass confusion ensues when it is a battered Chris Jericho who enters last (due to CM Punk being injured backstage by Randy Orton earlier)! Jericho never enters the ring as Batista works his way through opponents & eventually pins Kane with a spine-buster. With just 40 seconds left, Rey then has one last shot, predictably allowing Y2J to sneak in and pin an obviously unconscious (as spine-busters will do that to you) Kane to become the new HeavyWeight Champion! Ladies and gentlemen, there is only one thing to conclude here; Vince Russo is back in WWE! There is so much wrong with this booking decision that I don't know where to begin! Even without that, this really was a nothing match that only came to life occasionally & was clearly the worst of the 3 scramble matches. I really want to fail this... & I will! Segment Rating... 4.5
PPV RATING (41.5/70) = 59
Looking at the key, I have basically given the 2008 version of ‘Unforgiven’ a 'C' grade & said that it was ‘average'. Three words sum up this event best; "What A Waste"! After the first 4 matches (2 hours) of the night, the PPV rating was at 78 (31/40), which had it right up there in contention with this year's Royal Rumble as the pay-per-view of the year. What followed in the next 50-55 minutes was to put it simply; Absolute rubbish. It was arguably the worst hour of WWE programming for the year, and that includes all television shows (yes, even ECW) as well. McCool bores the crap out of me, The Big Show and his f**king grin & over-acting is vomit inducing, while watching he & the dead man punch each other for 3 minutes would cure insomnia. Add on a relatively disappointing main-event and it is almost too easy to forget how consistently good the first 2 hours of action was on the night. While nothing would blow a viewer away, all 4 bouts were well above-average and very much worth watching. So much so that the 'C' grade may ultimately be a little too harsh!
Ok, that is #281 in the books. Was I a little too harsh with my ‘Unforgiven’ review or to offensive linemen…??? Let me know. My e-mail address is DaveyBoy123@bigpond.com, but if you are an LOP Forums member, it would be much appreciated if you could leave feedback on my thread at http://www.lopforums.com/showthread.php?t=159
Actually just on my feedback thread in the LOP Forums (& before any rugby league fans jump in and ask why I haven’t listed their WWE team), ‘Wrestling Menu’ reader KAFUDAMAHA has listed his rugby league team of WWE wrestlers there. So if you are that way inclined, then head on over there and give it a read. In this case, you will have to be a forums member before being able to do so.
Presuming I am able to piece together a column come next Wednesday the 17th, it could very well be a DVD Review plus a related topic. Otherwise, look for something the following week. Either way, my column will be posted at the same Wednesday time on the same LOP channel. Until then, this is DaveyBoy signing off & asking you to remember that dinner is best served in 3 courses.
