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Submitted by YourAyatollah on Monday, September 8, 2008 at 2:40 AM EST
Hey there, kids, and welcome back to yet another fun filled edition of Ask Your Ayatollah. The response to the debut was pretty good, I must say. Most everyone seemed to like it alright, and I got more email and general feedback off of it than I ever got back when I was rocking All About the Game on the LoP main page a few years back. So yeah, that was spiffy, and I do very much thank every single one of you who read it, with a special tip of my rockin' Alice in Chains hat to those of you who took the time to tell me so. I do hope that life has been good for all of you in the two weeks since we last got together. Been a rocky couple for the Toller, I must say. Some personal drama flaring up, and a bit of uncomfortableness here and there. Nothing I haven't been able to handle, though, as lord knows I've seen worse. In the end, it's all just made things better, in an oddly roundabout way. Life has been very good for Your Ayatollah for the past couple months. I'm tickled pink. Tonight, though, I'm in a rare mood. Feeling it, if you will. Thus, I'll cut with the chit chat and get right into the festivities at hand. Strong bunch of questions this time out, with a couple solid music questions tossed my way, a fairly epic one that I'm thinking I'll tackle at the end, and the very, very welcome return of a long missed name from my past. I do believe this shall be fun. We'll kick off the playlist tonight with Addicted by Saving Abel. Yeah, we will. Back to the front. Remember that long missed name from my past I mentioned? We're going to kick it off with him. The one, the only, the legendary... 1,000,000 BC says... I might as well chuck in a question seeing as you've decided people care about your opinions and all. With 'Mania headed your way in '09, any thoughts on a potential Steve Austin match? Opponents, angles, will it/won't it? Man, I love Steve Austin. Always have, since before he was Stone Cold, back in his Stunning days, running around with Paul E. and the Dangerous Alliance. It would be all sorts of awesome to see the Texas Rattlesnake make his WrestleMania return and have that one big last match that he so richly deserves here in his home state of Texas, and I would be all over it, man. Unfortunately, I just don't see it going down. I would hope he would make an appearance of some sort, but a match? Nope, not gonna happen. I mean, honestly, who could he face? Orton would probably be the best candidate, with the whole Legend Killer thing and all that, but I don't see why they would have Randall lay down for Austin. Of course, Austin could just lay down for Orton.....but yeah, that ain't happening. Nor should it, in my estimation, as I think Stone Cold deserves to go out with those middle fingers raised to the air in victory. Hogan? I know it's perhaps the fanboy dream match to end all dream matches, and that they've even hinted towards it here and there, most notably at the Hall of Fame a few years back. Let's get real here, though, kids. It ain't going to happen. Again, slowly. It. Ain't. Going. To. Happen. First of all it would cost a fortune to get those two even on the card, let alone in the ring with each other. Second, neither of them would do the job for the other. (would? by alice in chains) Ego is what it is, and they've both got healthy ones. Austin has gone on record as saying that he thinks the Hulkster is a "piece of trash", and you just know it eats Hogan alive that Steve is now routinely referred to as the biggest superstar in the history of the business. Even with that being as asinine a statement as it is. Who else is there? Cena? Maybe, but really? Is anyone REALLY dying to see Austin vs Cena? I'm alright with both dudes, with an admittedly large preference towards SCSA, and even I would be hard pressed to come up with a good reason to want to see that go down. Batista? Frankly, Steve deserves better than that. Those who saw the HoF this year may say Rocky, even, but uh uh, don't think so. We've seen that three times at Mania already, and as much as I'd love to see him come back, our pal Dwayne would be a damn fool to give up his phat movie cash to do the training and such necessary to make any sort of return to the ring worthwhile. So no, I don't see Austin wrestling at WrestleMania this year. Nor do I really see Austin ever wrestling again, for that matter. A stray Stunner here and there, perhaps a few Steveweisers on a special occasion, maybe even a guest referee spot or something. For all intents and purposes, though, that walk up the aisle at WM 19 was the last of Steve Austin's professional wrestling career. Wish I could say it ain't so, but then, I'd rather have a healthy sometimes Rattlesnake appearance over him rolling around in a wheelchair. Thank you, BC. (walk on water by ozzy osbourne) It was fucking excellent to hear from you, and I sincerely hope it wasn't just a one time deal. Shoo-dee-doo-bop-ba-dow, indeed. Matt asks... Are you..How do they say? GAY! Do you really think this is quality work that should go on the MP? Is it sad that I get joy out of making other people angry? No, not last I checked. Let me check again right quick.....ah, as I suspected. Still no. I don't suppose I'm the one who should be answering that second question, as it's frankly up to the readers to determine what is and isn't worthy of inclusion on the Lords of Pain main page. Sure, they don't put us here, but they damn sure keep us here. As yours was the only real complaint I saw tossed my way, I would wager the guess that it's quality enough. And yes. Yes, that is sad. Bencif asks... What do you think are the chances of Jericho getting the WWE or World Heavyweight title again? Also how do you see the rest of his career going? Guess I should have gotten off my ass last weekend to write a column, huh? Well, given the way Unforgiven turned out, My Ayatollah's chances at World title glory are quite obviously pretty good, as he is, once again, the World Heavyweight Champion. Sorry I didn't get to that question before it went down, Ben. (suck my kiss by red hot chili peppers) Though I'd have said he would get it again, anyways. As to the rest of his career, I see it going quite well, actually. This recent heel turn has been fucking brilliant, sir, just brilliant. With the exception of the little tights. Those are just wrong, man. So wrong that for his first World title match, I want to see Chris Jericho vs a full length mirror. Upon seeing how ricockulous he looks, he would surrender the title in disgust and begin work on his next book, A Lion's Tale II: Around the World in Entirely Too Little Spandex. But seriously, Jericho's just too good to not excel for the rest of his in ring career, and I see no good reason that they would hold him back from doing so. While the roster isn't exactly paper thin at moment or anything, Jericho very obviously stands out as one of the absolute best they've got. He always has, to a degree, but there's no Austin, Rock, or Triple H around to overshadow him on RAW anymore. My Ayatollah will conclude his career brilliantly, in my opinion, and hopefully will do so a long, long time from now. Thank you, sir. (touch too much by ac/dc) The Freak, Himself asks... Alot of the more popular wrestlers have run the gammut of very, well, unpopular gimmicks in the past that went over like a meat and cheese platter at a PETA meeting. Some, however, had gimmicks that were changed due to marketability, changing companies, or because someone thought it would help their career. Throughout time though, we've seen some of these gimmicks return to grandeur that was as high, and sometimes higher, than it was in the first place. When Mick Foley came back as Cactus Jack and tore Trips a new a-hole, for a good example. When Chris Daniels decided he wanted to be funny and brought Curry Man to TNA. So, on to my question: Are their any old gimmicks you would like to see return today, or any that you think would have made it TODAY that failed horrible years ago? Well, I spoke of Hakushi last time out, and I think that gimmick, which was brilliant, would work better in today's environment. We've been over that, though, so I'll move along. Most gimmicks that have failed have done so for a reason. Namely, because they suck. I'd most assuredly not like to see Kane go back to Issac Yankem, DDS, or see a return to form for Big Show as the "son of Andre". So I guess the answer is no, there aren't any gimmicks that failed horribly in the past that I think would really make it today. That said, there are a few gimmicks I'd like to see make a return from years gone by, with one that stands out in particular. Muhammad Hassan was an excellent heel character, and his run was cut short well, well before it should have been. If the reasoning behind the premature abandonment was any good, like if he wasn't getting over or if he just straight up sucked, then I wouldn't have beef with it. (rainbow in the dark by dio) But the Hassan character was, ironically, martyred due to unfair pressure applied by outsiders who had no real understanding of the world of professional wrestling. I know it's still a sore subject with some people, but let's look at the facts, here. Hassan was just the most recent in a long line of foreign heels. After World War II we had Fritz Von Erich and Baron von Raschke. During the Cold War, there were Nikolai Volkoff and Nikita Koloff. Hell, Sgt. Slaughter during the original Gulf War stands out as perhaps the best example of the past 20 some odd years. A topical, controversial foreign heel character is nothing new. And that's all that Hassan was, for all intents and purposes. Used the same gimmicks we'd seen previously, like speaking in a foreign tongue via the afore mentioned Volkoff, or performing ceremonial "rituals" during his entrance via a Yokozuna or Mr. Fuji. And the thing that pisses me off about it is that he did it well. Really well. Perhaps too well. Thus, people got pissed, (which is kinda the point), and the dude was shut down before he really got out of blocks. That guy would be a multiple time World champ by now, no doubt, and would have had a shot at going down as possibly the best heel of that type in the modern history of the business. (only by nine inch nails) Alas, it wasn't meant to be, all because some suits who likely couldn't pick the dude out of a lineup deemed it inappropriate. Apparently they can do stuff like that on 24 or in countless movies, but pro wrestling just isn't allowed to tackle a sensitive issue. Which is why our favorite form of entertainment, friends, will always be viewed as little more than a sideshow attraction. Thank you for a question that I probably just took entirely too seriously. DaveyBoy asks... Which member of New Kids On The Block do you think is most talented...??? Man, I came up back in the day, when NKOTB were The Shit. Yes, capitalized and everything. Giant buttons, t-shirts galore, Saturday morning cartoon shows, on and on and on and on. So yes, I'm not ashamed to say that I know a thing or two about them. Well, not too ashamed. My favorite back in the day was Donnie Wahlberg, the "bad boy" of the group. As many know, he has since gone on to have a moderately successful acting career, breaking out a pretty damn good turn in Saw II and a brief but haunting performance in The Sixth Sense. Of course, his brother Marky Mark has vastly overshadowed everything he's done. (swamped by lacuna coil) Boogie Nights alone is better than Donnie's entire resume. Really, though, considering how little we've heard from the rest of them since the group's demise way on back in the day, I would say that Donnie is probably the most overall talented of the bunch. Best singer was probably Jordan, who actually managed a reasonably decent sized solo hit in the late '90s. I always liked Joey, too, because he sounded every single bit of the 12 years old or whatever he was. Funny to hear that voice singing about some chick leaving and ruining his whole world. Please don't go, girl. I understand they're getting back together, actually, which should pretty much tell you just how well they've all been doing since their split. For the record, the best thing to come out of the New Kids phenomenon is the sex tape scene featuring Ben Affleck in Mallrats. Thanks, Davey. Keep hangin' tough. Jesus, that was lame. Dan H. asks... You mentioned in your most recent column that you were as shocked if not more so then myself with the Kane/Mysterio happenings on Raw. This is really just the most recent in a long line of surprises, starting with John Cena's return at the Royal Rumble, moving on to the Draft and Punk's title win, and now this. At first I thought it was great that the WWE was sending out new material for our viewing pleasure, but now it seems like they're booking illogical stories simply to surprise people. Do you think this is the case? To be honest, man, I was just talking to my good buddy Anthrax the other day about how it seemed almost as if they lost Kane's old mask right before the bag segment was set to go on, and they just grabbed a Rey one from the merch stand to stick in there. It was just so fuckin' random, you know? I joked about The Hurricane's mask being in there last week, but damn, even that would have made more sense than Rey's. So yeah, it kinda does look like they're doing nonsensical shit just to throw us off a bit, at least in terms of that one storyline. (the death song by marilyn manson) Aside from that one, though, I'd say all the other stuff they've done has been pleasantly surprising for the most part. The only other thing I can think of offhandedly that made as little sense as the Kane/Rey thing is the whole Adamle as GM bit, which I still think has been a damn fun storyline despite what someone else keeps telling me. Really, the dude just had incredible heat all by his lonesome, and it was a stroke of mild brilliance to put him in a position other than that of announcer, where he couldn't really interact with the crowd to any real degree. Anyways, on the front of the Kane storyline, I would lean towards them just being illogical to keep us on our toes. Everything else, though, has been pretty alright thus far. I just hope that the answer to the Mystery of Kane's Sack isn't an indicator of what's to come. Thank you kindly, sir. Alright, this is the last one for this time around, and it's kinda epic. anonymous asks... If you're in for a bit of a challenge: List every member of the Raw Roster in the order of how important you feel they are to the company. I'm always in for a bit of a challenge. Here goes nothing. (my girlfriend's girlfriend by type o negative) I'll take it in reverse order, from least important to most. Deuce - Has this motherfucker even been on TV yet? Snitsky - Um, yeah. But hey, it's not his fault. Ron Simmons - Only because I refused to rank him below the baby killer. Val Venis - I love this dude, but he's looked into more bright lights than Wayne Newton. Paul London - I had hopes for this guy, but man, he's just fucked. Chuck Palumbo - He's on RAW? I honestly didn't even remember that shit. Hardcore Holly - Is he still alive? Hacksaw Jim Duggan - I got mad love for Hacksaw, but he's little more than filler. Primo Colon - Unproven, but at least he's on TV, unlike most of the previously mentioned guys. Layla - She don't do shit but get Jamie's ass kicked. Which I must admit is pretty fun. Kelly Kelly - Same thing, only she's actually "wrestled" a couple times. D-Lo Brown - Dig him, but have a sneaking suspicion he's the next Val. Charlie Haas - Doesn't do much, but has been entertaining lately. Melina - Would be higher if she weren't injured. But she is. Paul Burchill - Had some potential, but that looks to be fading. I miss the pirate gimmick. Lance Cade - Could be something, but it's really too early to tell. Jamie Noble - One of my favorite parts of the show. Love this guy. Katie Lea - I dig her, but she hasn't done a whole lot yet. More than her brother, though. Candice - Been gone a while, but always good to see her. She's just fun. But Christ, that music sucks. William Regal - One of my all time favorites, but the time away hurt him. Beth Phoenix - I dig this chick a lot, and she's part of maybe the best thing going on the show with Glammarella. Rhoades and Dibiase - These guys are going to be something special. Cryme Tyme - More over than the previous tag team, but are still a tag team. Thus, not exactly integral to the show these days. (rush by poisonblack) Rey Mysterio - Hasn't done much yet, and really just kinda doesn't fit in. Still, he's hella over with kids and stuff. Mickie James - Meh, she's Mickie. Kofi Kingston - This dude has all the potential in the world. Six months from now he will maybe be near the top of this list. Santino Marella - That's all that needs to be said, really. JBL - I hate this prick, but he's always in the mix. Lilian Garcia - I mark for Lilian. Sue me. Mike Adamle - Guy's a fuckin' trip. Kane - I'd love to have him on top of the list. Alas, he's not. Batista - Still in the hunt at all times, but his time is kinda drawing to a close, I think. CM Punk - I'm a big fan of this dude. He's the future. Shawn Michaels - RAW's MVP for the past, like, five years, at least when he's around. HBK is damn near untouchable. Randy Orton - I hate this fucking cocksucker. But goddamn is he good. Fuckin' dick with ears. Chris Jericho - Dude, he's fuckin' Jericho. Best reason to watch the show, especially lately. John Cena - John Cena, regardless your thoughts on him, IS RAW. He's the masthead on the flagship, and will be for the as long as he's healthy and on the roster. Thanks a lot, nonymo. There's a reason you're one of my favorite people around this joint. That just took foreeeeever. Fun, though. The rest of it was, as well, and I do thank each and every one of you who sent a question my way. If you'd like to join in the fun, then please feel free to do so. You can hit me up via my email address at AskYourAyatollah@rock.com, or via my very own personal feedback thread on LoPForums, which you can find by clicking right here. Or, if you're a member of said LoPForums, just hit me with a Private Message. If you're not a member of the Forums, well, get that way. I especially encourage you to visit the Columns Forum, where you'll find some of the absolute best wrestling writing on the net, bar none. I thank you all for taking the time to check this out. I've been doing this column thing for a long time, now, and I've never quite enjoyed doing anything quite as much as I do this. I do hope that came through, and that this was a halfway decent way to spend five or ten minutes of your time. I also send my thanks out to my editor, without whom I wouldn't be doing this in the first place. Thanks for being my sounding board. Alright, that'll do it. Playlist wraps tonight with Leper Messiah by Metallica. Hell yes. I shall return in a couple weeks' time with even more Asky goodness. Again, I encourage you all to send your questions my way, be they about wrestling , music, life in general, whatever. It's what I do. Until we get together to do it all again, you guys and gals take care of yourselves out there in the big bad really real world. Much love, kids. Fire at will. -Steve AskYourAyatollah@rock.com
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