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Submitted by Morpheus on Monday, August 25, 2008 at 9:46 PM EST
 Volume Sixty-One – Don't Call It A Comeback 08/25/2008 Welcome, Dreamers, to the long-awaited, much anticipated, and return-marking Sixty-First Edition of Enter The Dream Realm. I am Morpheus, Master of the Dreaming, and I will be your guide through this land of Nightmares and Dreamscapes. Yes, it's been exactly two years since my last post here on the LOP Main Page, and over a year since the last time the Dream Realm made an appearance in public, though not quite that long since the last time one was half-written, and even less long since one was conjectured. Oh yeah, and it’s my birthday. The M turns 29 on this glorious day, and takes yet one more step closer to the dreaded age of thirty. Booyah. Anyhow, in my time away, many of you likely kept up with the Morphster via the amazingly popular and expensive to host Monday Night Countdown, which at the time of its premature retirement was the best, most-downloaded, and fastest growing wrestling audio show on the internet. Bitch. For those of you who haven’t kept up with the Dream King through the MNC, I hold little to no hard feelings, so don't worry about it too much. For people who will undoubtedly ask where I have been, I can sum up the last 2 years with this succinct little description: legal divorce, change in field from Geochemistry to Mineral Physics, car accident, wheelchair for 4 months, work at national laboratories, met a girl, more work, ridiculous amounts of work, 4 published scientific journal articles, married said girl on July 25, 2008 (Happy One Month Anniversary, sweetheart!), working honeymoon, moved offices, new computer, and here I am. Now, I'm not so stupid as to think that there aren't at least a few of you out there who have never heard of me and know nothing about who I am, what I do, or what exactly it is that makes me the best thing since Mac n Cheese blow jobs, but fear not my little Dream Realm n00bz, I'll walk you through it the first time, nice and slow, and when we come out on the other side, you'll know exactly why they call me The Dream Master. Wow, now that I've built myself up to ridiculous proportions, I suppose it's time for me to write a column that will undoubtedly suck most mercilessly. (I'll blame it on ring rust. And hangovers. And Random.) So, without any further ado, let's get down to it, shall we? Let the Dreams begin!  - Line Of The Month: Kurt Angle – "This is Planet Angle now, and shove my flag straight up his ass to prove it!" <-- Gay. But funny. But Gay. - I know a lot of people have been down on CM Punk of late, and how his reign as World Heavyweight Champion is being booked slightly less than cool, and in an almost Rey Mysterio-esque fashion, but I’ll tell you that I’m loving every minute of it. It just sucks that now the title isn’t even close to the Main Event of the show, which is lame, but hey. Personally, I think he gets like 20 badass points for giving an interview on WWE.com while he was getting stitches in his fucking head. Of course, I also have to give mad props to the woman doing the stitching, who managed to pull it off even though Punk wouldn’t keep his damn head still. Kudos to all involved. - I have to say for the record yet one more time, because it has been so long, that I really hate John Cena. However, I really love Cryme Tyme. In the recent weeks, my favorite ghetto superstars have almost made Cena watchable. Almost. I still mark out for their antics, as do many other people, and thought I think pairing them up with Cena is merely an attempt to get all of the REAL black people to stop hating on his wannabe ways, I can’t knock it too hard because it’s getting CT some precious airtime. Money, Money. Yeah, Yeah. - Jim Ross's blog has quickly become one of my favorite things about the entire internet. Here’s a guy who’s been a loyal employee, trench soldier, and major honcho in the WWE and has been shafted by the machine many a time, yet still comes back for love of the game. He’s reached a point in his career now where he is comfortable speaking his mind and being himself, and he’s sometimes brutally honest in his blogs, even if it would go against the "WWE Party Line" at times. If you haven't checked out his blog at JRsBarBQ.com, I highly recommend it. - I have to give mad props to TNA right now. I know a lot of people have been bitching about the seemingly random booking of the promotion, but they have managed to stumble upon a good formula for drawing ratings and holding onto viewers: bitches + the funny = profit! I have to admit that the humor they pull in TNA is some of the best stuff I've seen in that department, though of course some of it is about as funny as Jerry Seinfeld (meaning, not at all), and I find that not only are the women as a whole in TNA better wrestlers, they also have a tendency to be more attractive overall, as they lack that plastic feel that most WWE chicks have. Honest question: at the end of the day, who doesn't like a healthy dose of bitches and funny? - I think that watching this entire saga unfold as it relates to Orton's motorcycle accident is extremely amusing. The way it looks now, Orton was digging his time off a bit more than the idea of going back to work, so he faked a motorcycle accident to keep him shelved a tad longer, and he's now running into issues with the fact that there's no evidence of any such accident having occurred. I would give him props for wanting to spend more time with his new family, but let's face it; it's more likely to be a thinly veiled attempt to get around a possible wellness infraction related to recreation during his rehab. Fuckin' frat boys…  Top Five Entrance Themes of the EVER That's right people, along with the Dream Realm comes Counting Sheep, the only countdown outside of the MNC that ever really mattered. Now, the WWE just released their list of the Top 25 Wrestling Entrance Themes of all time, and I have to say that their list was absolute crap, at least according to my opinion, which is usually right. Therefore, I am going to take a poll of all you Dreamers out there and find out exactly what YOU feel are the greatest themes used in wrestling through the ages. Those of you who are members of the LOP Forums can find a poll thread to post your picks in at the following link: http://www.lopforums.com/showthread.php?t=3369. Those of you who aren't members should be, so go sign up! If you absolutely want to participate in the poll, but don't want to join the forum for religious reasons, feel free to send me your picks in an email to the address given at the end of the column. Now, be sure to give me your top three choices, ranked in order, and give me reasons for each of your choices, because the best reasons given for the winning themes will be posted in the next edition of ETDR and credited to the person who wrote them. In the meantime, I humbly submit to you my personal choices for the Top Five Wrestling Entrance Themes of All Time. 5. You're Gonna Pay – The Undertaker – The only way to describe this song is bluesy badass. For those of you who don't remember this one, it was while Undertaker was sporting the American Badass Biker Gimmick, and the lyrics sum him up perfectly. "Nice guys, it's said they always finish last, but Bad Asses always kick an asshole's ass." Combined with excellent guitar riffs, and this one makes my top list easy. 4. Line In The Sand by Motorhead – Evolution – This song was perfectly scripted to fit the four individuals of Evolution. It was refined in its rocking, reflecting Ric Flair, powerful and driving for Batista, slick and cocky for Randy Orton, and well thought out lyrically, just like Triple H. When you heard this song hit, you knew you were in for the best of the best because the song itself was in fact one of the best of the best. 3. Break The Walls Down – Chris Jericho – Now, while I prefer the remake that Sevendust did of this classic tune to the one they use on TV every week, I do have to admit that this song definitely has ranked up there in my favorites list over the years. It gets you going, and fits Jericho's often bombastic personality to a T. Prime example of form and function melding to produce fuckin' awesome. 2. Dark Ministry – The Undertaker – Oh yes, this was Taker's entrance music when he was playing the Satan role; it started out with his demonic chanting and then led into some awesome badass guitars. With the symphonic sounds in the backgrounds, the ever present bell tolls, and the mariachi horns for effect, this song created a dark, eerie atmosphere almost as mysterious as the Dead Man himself. 1. The Game by Motorhead – HHH – There is one simple fact that remains absolute truth: you have to be a real badass for LEMMY to sing a song about YOU. Now, I know Motorhead have played the part of Triple H's personal theme song band for the last several years, but nothing will ever come close to topping this original classic. Powerful guitars, badass vocals, and a driving beat all combine to create a song that screams "You don't know what you just got yourself into, chump." Definitely worthy of HHH, and my pick for the best of all time.  Don't Call It A Comeback All of us at one point in our wrestling viewership have had our interests piqued by either a filmed vignette, or a mention of some Superstar making their way onto the television wrestling scene. Oftentimes, these hype promos can make the difference between a successful first appearance and one that falls flat upon deaf ears and blandly unintrigued eyes. At this point in time, we are being (or have very recently been) treated to vignettes that are hyping the SmackDown! debut/comeback of R-Truth, who once wrestled in the WWE under the moniker of K-Kwik, and just recently we had small splash vignettes letting us know that Maria would soon be arriving on the Blue Brand. These are two of the most recent examples in a long history of these types of video/segment based hype leading to an individual exploding onto the wrestling scene. This type of hype can be a real boon to a debuting Superstar, but at times can also be less than successful in their purpose of getting the individual over with the crowds. For example, think back to 2004, and the Coming Soon vignettes of Carlito Caribbean Cool. These videos gave us some exposition as to exactly who this individual was, and why we should care about his debut in the WWE; then he appears and makes an immediate impact by winning the US Title from John Cena on his first night out. On the other hand, around the same time, we had the vignettes hyping the debut of Mordecai (most recently known as Kevin Thorne in ECW), and while he had some of the coolest promos leading to his debut, he fell flat on his face because he simply couldn't live up to the coolness of those videos. And for the sake of me being able to hold down my lunch, let's not even mention the hype surrounding the debut of God as Shawn Michaels' wrestling partner at Backlash a couple years back… Now, as important a role as these types of hype videos and booking ploys can be to the success or failure of a brand new individual coming onto the scene, those of you who read the title of this column know that we are here to talk about something much nearer and dearer to my heart right now than debuts, and that is the art of a successful comeback. Now sure, the surprise comeback is nice once in a while, and can even be successful, as was the case with John Cena's return at the Royal Rumble this year (even if it did piss me right the hell off), but more often than not it is the build up to a wrestler's return that really gets the crowd into it.  First posted in the LOP Forums last week… We've all seen, from time to time, the shelving of a wrestler due to one form of injury or another that keeps them sidelined for a variable amount of time. Oftentimes, when it comes time for said wrestler to make their return to the active roster, their return will be hyped by these return vignettes in order to get the viewers and live audiences excited about the returning Superstar. We've seen such video packages for guys like Chris Benoit, Edge, Rey Mysterio, and Batista over the years, but no individual has been able to capitalize on the hype surrounding a return from injury better than the King of Kings himself, Triple H. After a devastating quadriceps tear in 2001, an injury which places most athletes on the shelf permanently, Triple H made his triumphant return to the WWE in January 2002 after a series of hype videos and vignettes that had built his return up akin to the Second Coming itself. The most staggering thing about his return is that despite all of the hype that managed to surround it, he actually managed to live up to that hype and make his comeback one of the most successful campaigns for the gold I've ever seen. Triple H went down on the injured list once again at the beginning of 2007 by tearing his other quad, which shelved him until SummerSlam of that year. Now, not only was Triple H the only athlete in history to overcome a quad tear and return to their field of endeavor, but he had done so TWICE after tearing BOTH of his quads. That, my friends, takes buckets of Mick Foley's patented Testicular Fortitude. Trips once again managed to make a successful comeback from this injury in a big way, and is now riding high as the WWE Champion, as it should be. There are two individuals in the wrestling world, however, who have been able to capitalize on the comeback hype machine greater than any others throughout history, in my humble opinion. The first of these is the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah himself, Y2J, Chris Jericho. While his initial appearance in the then WWF can be classified as both a return to the wrestling world as a whole, and a debut into the new company, few can dispute the fact that the hype leading up to his debut was masterfully done. The countdown clock leading up to his eventual debut on WWF Television, all of the speculation that ran rampant regarding said appearance, and his initial interaction with one of the WWF's top stars of all time in The Rock were so well done that it definitely goes down in the books as one of the best uses of the hype machine in my personal history with the Sport of Kings.  Posted in the LOP Forums this afternoon… Then, after years of wrestling for the WWE, Jericho decided it was time to step away from the business for a while on him own terms, and that left us for over two years without our weekly fix of Y2J. Then, just this past year, the Save Us.222 campaign began, involving all sorts of hidden messages in cryptic Matrix-like video clips. This of course led once again to a flurry of speculation on the internet and in other little corners of the world as to what the meaning of all these little messages were, and they kept us busy for a while as we all worked it out. Of course, it all led up to the return of our New Age Messiah in Chris Jericho, come to save us from the tyranny of boredom reigned over by one Randy Orton. This method of hyping via speculation and controversy has led to great success for Jericho on a couple of occasions now, and solidifies him as perhaps the definitive comeback hype machine success story. However, while Chris Jericho may have been the first ever Undisputed Champion, there is another man who is no doubt the Undisputed King of the Comeback: The Undertaker. This man has been with the WWF/E for nearly two decades now, and has had nearly that many comebacks, both minor and major, in that time. Something about his persona and the mystique that has always surrounded his character just lends itself to periodic disappearance, only to resurface in the future better than ever, and that's exactly what he's done so many times before. One of the most interesting things about the Undertaker's comebacks in the past is that they have not focused solely on the vignette that has been so popular for other wrestlers. Not only are videos used effectively, but so are props and effects. Fire, lightning, black wreaths, coffins, and many other things have been used to strike fear in the hearts of opponents looking to steal the thunder and the rightful place of the returning Dead Man. The other thing that is interesting about the various comebacks that the Undertaker has made over the years is that oftentimes he manages to give it a little bit of a twist into the unexpected to keep it intriguing. For example, back in 2000 there were small vignettes leading up to the Judgment Day PPV that had creepy little girls saying "He's Coming Back" all Freddy Kruger style. We quickly caught on to the fact that they were referring to the Undertaker, but the manner in which he made his return at that event was completely unexpected; not only because it was attacking HHH in the WWE Iron Man Title Match, but also because it was as a badass biker as opposed to the Dead Man we had become accustomed to. Most recently, the Undertaker made his return to the WWE in the Cell with Edge, which we all expected would be one Hell of a match, and it in fact delivered on that. But then, following the match came the unexpected and pretty damn cool choke slam to Hell, complete with fire, which may have been a tad on the cheesy side perhaps, but definitely shocked and wowed the audiences and solidified Taker's status just one more time as the King of the Wrestling Comeback.  That's right, not in the Forums, but back on the Main Page! And we all know the best comebacks involve a little bit of a twist to keep it interesting. So, for those of you who don't know me, or don't remember, please allow me to remind you just who the Hell I am. I am the columnist who quickly rose through the ranks in the LOP Columns Forum to win their prestigious Column of the Month Award, not once, but three times. In a row.  I am the columnist who followed up that record-tying/breaking (depending on which record you are referring to) by winning the third ever King of the Columns competition here at LOP.  Wait a minute, sorry. Wrong one.  That's better. I am Morpheus, Master of the Dream Realm, Creator of Nightmares, Lord of Phantasms, and I have been asked to come back from beyond the LOP grave to kick things up a notch around here. The gauntlet has been thrown, my friends, and I will be here each and every month to bring you the absolute best in wrestling opinion to be found on the net; this is going to be fun. Here's to wishing you all long nights, and pleasant Dreams. God damn, it feels good to be back.  - Bill Goldberg is making his triumphant return to the world of professional wrestling… somewhere. First of all, I was never all that high on Goldberg, and personally thought he was perhaps the most overrated wrestler since Hulk Hogan. Second, apparently this return isn't going to be with WWE or TNA, so about 7 people in the States are actually going to see it. Third, he apparently hasn't trained or done anything physical in several YEARS. This, my friends, is what you call a train wreck waiting to happen. I would love to see him come out, kick, and fall down again. That shit would be priceless. - So, in the midst of all the firings, I was doing ok, even though they had released Cherry who I had sort of a soft spot in my loins for. Then, on a day that will live in infamy, the WWE went ahead and released three of my favorite lower-card wrestlers in one fell swoop: The Highlanders and good old Stevie Richards. I was grossly disappointed by this news, and shed a small tear before moving on to my next question: How is it that these three guys get released, yet Khali, Mark Henry, and the fucking Boogeyman still have jobs? Balls. - No, wait. Balls got fired too. - Matt Morgan’s DNA is being launched into space. Reportedly this is because he is an awesome physical specimen of manliness. So they're launching his DNA into space. With a rocket. There's a Peter North joke hidden in there somewhere, I swear to it… - So, it appears that Killer Kowalski is in extremely poor health and may be on his way out. Kowalski was a hell of a wrestler back in the day, and trained some major stars, the most well-known of which, of course, is Triple H. I had the pleasure of meeting Walt when I was 20 at the Masonic Home in Utica, NY, where I was doing some charity work and he was there as a resident of the retirement facility. He was a really cool guy, and great to talk to, always willing to share stories and listen to those of the people he was talking to. I wish him and his family the best, no matter how events turn out. - I'm glad that they've begun refining the rules for these scrambles matches they are planning for the next WWE PPV. For awhile it looked like it might end up a similar situation to the Hardcore Championship match at WrestleMania a few years back wherein the belt changed hands like 20 times in the 20 minute period, and directly led to Crash Holly being something like a 23-time WWE Title holder. (Just as an aside, the late Crash Holly and I share a birthday on this date, so happy birthday Crash.) That would have been fucking disastrous with the big belts on the line, but on the flip side of the coin would have been the only way The Brian Kendrick would have ever won the WWE Championship. Sorry, Bri. Better luck next time. - Gail Kim is leaving TNA to head back to the WWE for a more lucrative contract. Does Gail think she's going to have a similar position in the WWE that she now has in TNA? She is arguably THE top face of the Knockouts Division right now, but in the WWE, which is the land of the Michelle McCools and Candice Michelles, does she really have a shot at that kind of slot on the card, especially considering that the women get much less airtime in the WWE? Remember, Shannon Moore got a better money deal from WWE too… He's tattooing for a living now. And producing Matt Hardy's webcam shows. w00t… Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny Ever since the early days of the HBO vignettes and specials, and the release of such instant classics as Wonderboy, Tribute, and F*ck Her Gently, I have been a full-fledged member of the D Army. Led by Jack Black on lead vocals and rhythm guitars, backed with the masterful melodies of Kyle Gass on the backup vocals and lead guitar lines, this power duo simultaneously brings the rock and the funny like no other combination I have yet seen. With as funny as all their original stuff was, they managed to step up the ante even further in their big screen debut. Now, I know this film came out quite some time ago now, but I am always amazed by the sheer number of people I come across who have either not heard of it, or have not seen it, and this is an epidemic problem I hope to begin the correction of here and now. The story focuses on the history of Tenacious D, and how these two rock heavyweights came into acquaintance. Eventually, they hear the tale of the Pick of Destiny, and how it has helped many of this century's hardest rockers attain massive fortune and fame, and they set out on a quest to obtain the Pick and solidify themselves as the rock giants they rightfully are. Between the hysterical songs, even funnier visuals, and Dave Grohl air-humping while dressed as Satan himself, this movie is packed with non-stop laughter from start to finish, except for a few weird parts here and there that are still somewhat disturbing even now. Overall, though, more than worth the time to sit down and watch it, so make sure to do so at your earliest possible convenience. The Dream Master has spoken.  As you slowly return to consciousness, the last whisperings uttered from the lips of the Dream Master encourage you to check out three particularly outstanding columns in the LOP Columns Forum: Bloodline – Blood Chronicles I-III: A Change of Heart Ghost – Ghost In The Machine Vol. I: In Hell You'll Find A Slithering Little Slime JoeyShinobi – The Shinobi Slam #8: Damage & Joy This brings to a close this Sixty-First Edition of Enter The Dream Realm. I hope it lived up to par. It's good to be back. I've missed you guys. Especially Steve (Hi 'Tollah!). Don't read too much into the egotistical nature of the end of my main topic there, as it was done as a direct example of what makes wrestling comebacks so great. Though I am awesome, for sure. Any feedback you have, as always, would certainly be greatly appreciated and can be sent to me via email at morpheuslop@gmail.com. I hope that those of you that haven’t yet will take the time to check out some of the great writers we have in the LOP Columns Forum. Now. They'll tide you over until the Dream Realm makes its next monthly visit to LOP Land. Until the next time we do this, sleep well, and I’ll see you in your Dreams! Contact Me! Email: morpheuslop@gmail.com Forum Feedback Thread: http://www.lopforums.com/showthread.php?t=3370 Hit me up on MySpace!
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