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Submitted by Andy Savana on Monday, August 18, 2008 at 3:19 AM EST
 Monologue of Celebration "If you ever decided to go for something big and actually achieve it; do me a damn favor. Just one little favor I ask of you if you are ever in the situation of achieving some sort of a "life long dream". No, there is no need to take pictures or write about your feelings. I ask for something more modern and more 'hip'. I ask that you fucking record it so that we can all watch it. While said recording is going on, I also ask that you fucking react to the situation at hand. Don't shrug it off, and be all pessimistic, with your bitching of how three bad things will now happen to make up for this good thing. While I think it is pretty damn true to think, you better get to fucking celebrating so when you and your box of Xanax are sitting on the couch with your laptop in front of you, you can at least look back on happy times. No one likes to look back at depressing times while experiencing depressing times. Just makes you feel more depressed and you eventually can only vent all your bullshit to someone across the globe via PM on AIM. The solution: record a happy time and play it when your half high and full of energy drinks. Slur the words you once said and actually meant as you prance around in your shorts and t-shirt reliving the good ole times. Sometimes, good ole times are all you have left to look forward too, I now ask you pardon the oxymoron. If you don't have a video camera, fuck it, reenact the damn situation and take pictures this time. Maybe one picture every three point two seconds would suffice for all of us people who want to feel as if we were actually there. I know I love frame-by-frame capturing of special moments such as: winning the race, scoring the chick, and failing the STD test. Honestly, that is one test you do not mind failing. You should test how I test when it comes to STD's. Ask a close friend if he knows anyone with aids. If he says no, then say, "Cool, because you know me." I digress. I guess you won't always have the ability to have instant technology when such great occasions happen so that leaves you out of luck. Like myself when I got the PM announcing that I could write for the main page. Imagine a monkey being fed apples and then finding out that it is allergic to them. Just imagine the monkey jumping around holding its throat as it slowly closes up. I looked kind of like that because I accidentally swallowed some cake while reading said message. While remind people of your actions can be work out sometimes in less spectacular moments, it will not do for the better occasions. Luckily, wrestling is one of those occasions where 'life long dreams' are pre-determined and cameras are often present to be used. I guess since I am done with the analogy stage of my column and have moved on to the actual wrestling talk. Enough of the monologue; It's time for the Main Torture."  Boys Sure Can Celebrate As I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself, wrestling dreams are predetermined and are often where cameras are available for use. Which is good because I would hate hearing someone explain to me how Mick Foley looked when he first one his WWF title against The Rock. While I can appreciate the emphasis on how happy he looked while riding around on DX's shoulders, I just cannot connect. I wouldn't hear the loud crowd pop as Austin came out or as they counted with the referee. Although, if a charismatic young person explained it to me, I might get that shit down and mark out as well. I doubt that possibility though. So like all fourth grade papers begin, I am going to hook you with some nostalgic experiences that I felt like sharing. Some of them are recent while others are pretty goddamn old. Some are good examples of how to react when something happy happens, and others are bad examples of how to react. I just put them in there to further help you enjoy life. First off shall be Mick Foley. Mick Foley on January 4th 1999. -The happiness of it all. This is the most traditional way to celebrate winning the title. You win the damn title and proceed to be carried around on people's backs while yelling you finally did it. You don't have to yell it but someone better be yelling it. JR will do just fine in cases where you are too tired or excited to form sentences and then repeat them for those who do not listen the first time. It often helps if you have thousands of people surrounding you in seats who came specifically to see you victorious. Not all of us can have this so it might actually require your imagination of said fans. Scratch the fans part and just imagine people. No need to push the limit or else you might screw up the image in your head with all these little details. Honestly, sometimes the celebrations are what got you the fans in the first place. It sucks because you could have used the fans when you first succeeded but I guess I can't bit myself in the ass and say I don't want the fans at all. Try to appreciate them is what I am trying to say. The Moral: Get lots of people to surround you and try your best to be as innocent as you can. It really gets them behind the 'special' people. Edge on July 3rd 2006. -Being a badass. Sometimes it is best to feel as if you cheated death and just fucking brag about it afterwards. Who can deny that watching Edge after winning the triple threat match didn't live it up just as he should? If you ever completely anally dominate someone in some kind of event or competition, you better fucking push it in his or her face. They deserve the pressing of said victory in their face for stepping in your fucking way. Edge just plays the damn role so well. Especially since that fucking stoner, RVD, deserved what he got for the way his peepettes treated Cena at One Night Stand. He even makes the getting on your knees and holding it close to your heart trick sound good when he does it in such a dramatic way. I guess being the bad guy can really payoff in terms of having a shit load of material to work with when you're celebrating. The Moral: Make sure someone has something to lose out of the whole deal and ensure that they do in fact lose. Nothing makes for a better celebration than someone pouting at the same time. Kurt Angle on September 23rd 2001. -Cashing in on Patriotism. When Khali mentioned beating the fuck out of white men while he was in India some months ago, he was channeling Kurt Angle during his title win in September of 2001. The attacks on the twin towers had just happened and he was in a WWF title match against Stone Cold Steve Austin. I don't know if Angle was properly over back in 2001 with all that WCW/ECW bullshit going on but we all knew Patriotism was over like a whore on stilts. You mentioned kicking a rag head in the head and people instantly thought you should run for presidency or something above that. Maybe be a cook or something. This no doubt makes Kurt Angle a smart man for knowing that if he won the WWF title belt during this crucial patriotic time, he would celebrate with kings. Which is exactly what happened when he won the title and the whole crowd erupted as he celebrates and salutes the good ole flag. With its dark blue X and stars lining each of the lines. The bright red triangles on all four sides bordering those star filled X's of blue. Beauty if it ever took the shape of a flag, which it did. The Moral: Patriotism has it's perks. Learn to take advantage. Undertaker at Wrestlemania on April 2nd 2007. -Gimmick celebrations are just like cheap pops. If we can praise Mick Foley for getting cheap pops via mentioning of city name, I am going to praise Taker for getting the cheap gimmick pop. The dude could have won the title and walked away with it as the fans cheered for their own nostalgic fixes. The good thing is he didn't because that would mean I have to find another title win and write about it. It wouldn't be so fresh as this title win. So as Taker realizes he is World Champion, he decides that the loud pop he is getting right then is not loud enough. He's already a pretty old person with a title and that isn't enough of a fix for us greedy WWE fans. He decides that turning it very blue and raising the title to praise all the WWE writers for helping him achieve such dreams will get him a bigger pop. Needles to say, it does and everyone writes about how his pop was dreamy and that he can really pull a good reaction out of his ass. Kudos to Taker for being new age. The Moral: Do something for about fifteen years before you achieve something big and then end it all with that signature move of yours. Might make up for all the pointless amount of times you did it before. The Rock on April 30th 2000. -Being the fan favorite and having some returning help. Having the whole crowd cheer for you before you even win the title will really help your chances have having a pretty good celebration afterwards. Not only that but this is a two birds one stone kind of deal because Austin returns right during this match and helps Rock win the title. I might be bias here since Rock is my favorite character but this is a damn good celebration with that crowds pop just behind him each and every step of the way. Holding up the title and what not and just basking in the glory of the title win sounds almost perfect. The Moral: Be my favorite wrestler and you can get a section dedicated to your win. I decided that giving good examples has been useful but giving bad examples would also benefit you for future occasions. CM Punk on June 30th 2008. -Because loud pops are sometimes required for a good celebration. I really dug how he won the title and all but the lack of a large reaction can really make him going from corner to corner look self-righteous. "Hey look, I have a title. Let me show everyone in all adjacent corners." That is the vibe I got when I watched Punk win the title and just show it off to everyone. I guess I shouldn't say everyone because some of them were in the restroom as soon as Punk came out. The Moral: Pay the people surrounding you while celebrating to at least clap or something. You may just be the co-worker who finally got the right sandwich from those Mexicans down the road but it would step help along to have some admiration or something. Cena on September 17th 2006. -Don't pout like a bitch. If you achieve something really amazing in your life and then decide to pout as soon as you do so, you deserved to be kicked in the damn face. You try so damn hard to succeed and you are finally able to, but you pout about it afterwards and people hate you. I guess it was nice that he was being all noble and shit for caring about how hard Edge tried but that doesn't mean shit. Something you have to run over people to achieve dreams and goals. Look at Vince, he ran over all kinds of people and he is happy as can be. Although, I don't doubt he was happy back then as well when he ran over all of them. If anything, buy some damn liquor and drink up on it before you succeed, assuming you know you will succeed, so that when you are done, we can at least be entertained by your rendition of the twist. The Moral: Drink Liquor.  I guess this wraps up my first ever column on the main page. What was the point? Nothing but to cash in on the idea I had when I first got the PM and make myself know to the new readers I will get and eventually lose. I also wrote it because I like handing out advice to noble readers. Until Next Time, Andy Savana Fireman10128@yahoo.com
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