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Submitted by Pnk on Saturday, August 16, 2008 at 12:07 AM EST
 Thank You, Noc. Pnk's Thnks 6: Dance Dance Hey! Pleasure seeing you here! It's me, the girliest wrestling fan on the block, Pnk. Oh you know, the girl who promised threats but moved on to a promise. Yes, it is in fact I, coming at you from my super secret fort in an undisclosed location. So how has everyone been since our last meeting? I was a bit drained after that, so it's taken me a while, but I'm back like the stalker chick from the bar last night. Speaking of my last column.... I'd like to start by thanking everyone who took the time to send me some feedback after my last edition. I truly wanted to answer every single email but it eventually became a flood, and with work I haven't quite been able to answer them all. If you are some of the people who didn't hear back from me, I do apologize. I did read every single email and message. Another thing I want to touch on is how much it means to me that some of you opened up to me. Really. I didn't expect to get so many stories of your own struggles or experiences that shaped your lives. It truly was an honor to read some of them, and I will never forget it. So yeah, it's been a while, and I truly apologize. Between packing up, moving, and unpacking, not to mention a bit of personal business to take care of, I wasn't able to get this out sooner. I'd like to mention for a moment how much I've loved CTC. Really. I love Cena. I love Cryme Tyme. Cryme Tyme + John Cena can only = Amazing. Plain and simple. It was an interesting yet unexpected twist of events that I enjoyed a lot, and it's hopefully not the last time we see them as a team. Honestly, the three work well together and Cryme Tyme are perfect for Cena, who may have lost some toughness over the past couple months. Don't know if anyone caught RAW on the 14th, but Cena's promo had to be the most intense and on point promo he's pulled in a long time. Now before you go off, yes, "JBL is Poopy" was lame. And yes, Cryme Tyme Cenation isn't exactly the most Thuganomic name ever created (Really WWE? Did you think that was going to sound cool? Or hardcore? Because in all honesty when you hear "Cryme Tyme Cenation" you don't think "Thug". Therefore, I think I'll call them CTC. Kinda tells you a lot about who is writing for The E). But the fact remains that Cryme Tyme getting some time in the spotlight is never a bad thing. With them having teamed with Cena against JBL and the team of Rhodes and DiBiase Jr., hopefully we will see something good come of it. Another thing I want to comment on is how happy I am that the whole Vicky/Edge thing has ceased and desisted. I hate Vicky, and I hate Edge, but I'd rather Edge just be alone than make out with Vicky one more time. I just gagged in my mouth a little just remembering them kiss. Last thing, I hate Mike Adamle. Really. No fricken joke, the man annoys me more that Umaga's gibberish. Or JBL. I am quite interested to see how this whole General Manager thing works out for him. This may be his cup of tea because God knows commentating wasn't. It was, however, a surprise. That, along with CM Punk's title win and Cena and Batista's gaining the tag belts, have shown the WWE to be all about the surprises these days. Even if they don't exactly work well. Okay then, I'm done blabbing about randomness. Time for the good stuff huh? Small story before I begin, as it will explain how I came up with today's topic. Like most chicks, I took dance lessons most of my life. For the most part I took ballet but I did some hip hop and even got forced into some classes where I was taught traditional Latin American dances. I loved it, even toyed with the idea of letting it become more of a career choice, less of a hobby. Then one day my ballet instructor, in front of my whole class, told me that both my feet and body type are not those of a ballet dancer. Now, at 21, I would punch the woman in the face or, at the very least, bitch her out in Spanish. Alas, I was not 21 at the time but merely 12, and ended up crying the whole way home, where I told my Mom I hated ballet and didn't want to take it anymore. I still took other dance lessons and remained very much in love with dance, hence addicted to dance reality shows. So I was watching America's Best Dance Crew (Let's go Super Cr3w! I love So Real Cru like mad but they aren't as good as Super Cr3w. Best of luck to both though! ) and I began to think how television viewers are.... That's what America has become. Dance obsessed. Oh what? Don't believe me? Well, go to your television set and check the listings. MTV re-runs America's Best Dance Crew at least once a day. Not just that show, but So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With The Stars, Rock The Reception, and Step It Up And Dance proving what America really wants to see. Dancing. Reality television would suffer without the genre, and I think they are more important than any other type of reality show. The WWE was ahead of this curve, though. They've had dancing on their show since way before television became one big dance party.  That's the only way to describe this jig of sorts. It really is funny to watch Shad and JTG hop from side to side all while holding up their baggy jeans and looking fly as hell. It's funny how I look forward to seeing them do it. I really do. I even once got up and imitated it around my living room for kicks. Unfortunately, I wasn't alone and ended up making a bit of a fool of myself. Oh well. They are the only guys thugtastic enough (Really? Did I have to hear Lawler say "thugtastic"? I could have lived my whole life not hearing that from him.) to get away with it, to be honest. Cena could never get away with it. Can you see Cena doing it and managing to keep his street cred? Nope. Hell, he almost lost it when he decided "JBL is Poopy" was a good idea for a tag. *sigh* Thank God I like him so much or that would have been a big no-no in my book. Another thing I love about this dance is how funny it is to see their chains jumping up and down. Oh, and speaking of jumping up and down....  Jeffrey really is the funniest dancer out of the bunch. Don't know what I'm talking about? Give this a watch: Jeff Hardy's Entrance Dances Watching that had me giggling like a school girl, and not because of his looks (I'm never going to understand how chicks find him cute. He's okay, but Matt...now he's the dreamboat). Watching him dance is like watching a boy bander having spasms. First he comes out crouched over, low to the floor taking big steps. Every now and then he even does the classic boy band signature, "grab the sides of your head" move. Then, like a multicolored, freaky bearded Jack in the Box, he jumps up into my favorite part of the whole thing. The Air Hump. This part of his "dance" is most effective when he has a championship belt wrapped around his waist. It's hilarious, as sometimes that belt bounces so high it could hit him in the face. How the hell he came up with this one can only wonder. Maybe when he moonlighted as a Chippendales dancer? Sometimes I think if he ever goes to clubs he must be the guy everyone avoids dancing with. Or even near. Of course, we also have the classics...  Seriously, there is no way you can write a dance column without Too Cool. In 1999, Grandmaster Sexay and Scotty 2 Hottie gave us some of the most amazing dance performances ever seen before a wrestling match. That, and big yellow sunglasses. They could truly do it all. Most importantly, though, Scotty brought us The Worm. Really, who else can take a harmless dance meant to entertain the masses at wedding receptions and bring it into the ring to do some damage? The correct answer would be no one. No one else. Seriously, these wiggers got way into character, even pulling the rapper gimmick well before another white boy decided to pick up the act and run with it. (I know, I mention him far too often. Sue me.) Then they one upped themselves and brought in another member to the dance crew. Damn skippy, you better know who I'm talking about. None other than the missed Rikishi. Yes the big man was able to bust a few moves himself. Good stuff overall. Really though I think of all the people I'll mention, they are the WWE's most successful dance gimmick. It could be the outfits, could be the men themselves, but in the end they will always be remembered. Oh, yeah. A column about dancing would be nothing without....  This little group gave us the amazing Layla and Kelly Kelly. They never really made any sense to me, though, and here's why. It's ECW. Not RAW, not Smackdown. It's one of the reasons I don't blame hardcore ECW fans for bitching about how watered down the legacy of ECW has become. A dancing group on RAW or Smackdown, hell, even the now dead Heat, would make sense. But on ECW it just looked silly. I've heard the argument once that because ECW is so filled with testosterone, it needed a little estrogen to mix things up. Sure, perhaps that's a valid thought, but dancing chicks? Couldn't they just wrestle? If that wasn't enough, they then decided that Kelly Kelly needed her own dance segment. *sigh* Alright, fine, but again, why on ECW? As to the actual dancing, they weren't that bad... though they weren't that awesome, either. Actually, I think I much prefer the older version of this group. That's right, can't have a column about dancing in wrestling without....  In all honesty I remember very little of WCW because I was a WWF kind of girl. I do remember the Nitro Girls though. Eric knew what his audience wanted, pretty girls in skimpy outfits shaking their goodies for men during commercial breaks. Ain't nothing better to entertain you while you wait for TNT to tell you everyone what movie they were playing all weekend. They even gave us a nipple slip way before Janet Jackson made it cool to do. That, my friends, was the original Nipplegate. Not only did they give us boobies, they gave us Stacy "The Legs" Keibler, Sharmell, and the amazing Kimberly Page (gatta love DDP). This next one is for a former LoP columnist we all know and love. Degenerate, thank me later. Ladies and gentleman....  Man does this man love to dance. And he's not absolutely horrible. Now if anyone is a moonlighting as a stripper, it's HBK. I've always been a huge fan of the outfits HBK wears to the ring and when writing this column, I never realized just how not out of place the man would be in a club surrounded by ladies making it rain on the him. The outfits are made to be shimmy and shaken out of. Vests are good for this purpose. I guess it's better than seeing a fatty in a thong shaking it like the rent is due tonight (shout out to Big Dick Johnson). Enjoy this clip, I know someone who will: HBK, the dancer. I think this video best represents the kind of dancer Michaels is. A dancer for the ladies. Plus I love me some Gym Class Heroes. Of course now that HBK is a man of morals and conviction we get less of the dirty dancing but that's what Youtube is for my friends, to remember the good times. Of course, one can also never forget this amazing, amazing man....  Oh yes, the man that has brought dancing to your wrestling programming for years has gone so far as to contribute to the revolution. I'm not even talking about that stick up his arse walk of his, though that thing really is quite a dance in and of itself. Try doing it in a club sometime. You may look silly, but you'll get some attention, and some attention is better than none at all, my friends. But no, I don't mean the strut, I mean this: Vince McMahon's Stand Back Performance Even if I wanted to, I couldn't even attempt to ignore this gem. The man gave us everything we could ever ask for in a performance: Back up dancers in shiny dresses with ruffles (I think I owned one similar when I was... Oh, I don't know, 8 years old in my aunt's wedding.) and big hair, a snazzy outfit that resembled something pulled from the reject bin of the Saturday Night Fever wardrobe closet, and big moves. Anyone ever try to tell you that Vince hasn't given us anything entertaining? Show them this. In all honesty, the best thing about this to me is how balls out (no pun intended) Vince is when performing. You don't see Bill Gates doing this crap. Or even the Donald. Nope, only Vinnie Mac. Actually, now that I think about it, he kinda looks like he's doing a jazzier version of the strut. If I'm to be honest, though, none of the men and women seen thus far can even begin to compare with this next man. My man. I've seen this guy live, and I instantly knew that he was amazing. No, amazing is not even the world. Brilliant. Yep, that's the one. Many of you may not know him, so I have the amazing pleasure of teaching you all about:  Now, before you judge a book by the picture on the cover, just let me tell you about this guy. It's pronounced BB Hulk, and don't bother asking why the "x" is in there because I don't know (I'm a wrestling columnist, not a encyclopedia). He wrestles for Japan's Dragon Gate promotion, though I had the amazing pleasure of seeing him live courtesy of Ring of Honor. He's an angel in white, just look at him. Not only can the man wrestle, but as you soon shall see, the man can dance. BxB Hulk's Entrance Gatta hand it to the guy, that entrance music of his is amazing and totally right for getting you into the mood for some dance magic. That's what his dancing is people. Magic. In Japan he even gets a couple Japanese ladies to be his back up dancers. Sometimes the dance routines are intricate as hell, other times they are kind of simple. Doesn't matter though because in the end, the guy wins you over. When I saw him live, a whole bunch of streamers had gotten stuck to his leg. He didn't notice and went to the turnbuckle to do a backflip off the top rope. As he flipped, a huge grouping of the streamers followed him in the sky. Prettiest thing in wrestling I'd ever seen. Really, BxB Hulk is more than an amazing dancer. He's an amazing wrestler. Guy is a beast and if you want to see good wrestling, watch the man. You won't regret it. I promise. Hell everyone should be watching more Ring of Honor and Dragon Gate, less TNA. Just saying.... If this had really been a contest, BxB Hulk would have won it all. Hands down. He IS Wrestling's Best Dancer. I'm done for today. Sorry this wasn't quite a wrestling column of sorts but one I got a kick writing. I'd like to thank my editor who helped me get this all in working order. Yall would have no idea how many times I erased this thing and restarted. I think I got what I wanted done and now it's out for you to enjoy. You know where to find me friends. PnksThnksFeedback@gmail.com Also remember there is a feedback area in the LoP Forums. Sign up and join in on the fun. You'll never want to leave... or maybe you will? If you want more columns than what the MP has to offer, head over to the LoP Columns Forum. My favorite place on earth. After my super secret fort. Okay you guys, I'm back on schedule. No more breaks for me. A month was long enough. Next time I may even have a special guest. Until then, I'll see you when I see you folks. Much love, Pnk <3 PnksThnksFeedback@gmail.com
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