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Submitted by Hustle on Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 10:41 AM EST
 Good lookin out for the graphics work, Noc "I ain't crazy, I say shit that's crazy to crazy people to make em believe I'm crazy, so they can relate to me.." Well said, Mr Mathers. That sounds about right. What's poppin, ladies and gentlemen? Your party host is back, welcoming you to yet another edition of the column that's sicker than your average.. the column that's been nice since niggaz was watching movies on Beta.. yes, indeed, welcome back to "Hustle Is Posting Right Now". That, of course, makes me Hustle, and it's nice to see everyone back again. Before I even continue on with this intro, allow me to take this time to thank all the people that have sent me feedback about my previous column. It was much better received than I expected it to be, but as usual, that may be due to me being my own toughest critic than anything else. It's just good to know that, for one reason or another, some people out there seem to like me. Ha. I still apologize for the column not being up to par, and especially for the lack of colored fonts and graphics. I had to get that damn thing posted ASAP and didn't have time to mess with picture searching or things of that nature. Alright, I just had to get that out of the way before anything else was accomplished in this edition of HIPRN. After a few months of being live and direct from Orlando, Florida (and it's various suburbs), I'm now back in the place where it all began.. Honolulu, Hawaii. Ya boy was getting homesick, so I needed to return home for a while to take in the sights, the food, and the people. My flight landed last night, at about 8pm, Hawaii time, and after a night of partying, politicking, and even some Madden 09 playing, I sit here at 6am, ready to give you another column. Now I think its time to get it crackin like crab legs. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!!! When I was a kid, there were a lot of things that drew me into the world of pro wrestling. I was a fan of the larger-than-life characters. I was a fan of the music (if you were a fan from my age range and you DIDN'T sing along to "Real American" every time you heard it, then you were from Mars and were a crazy martian man that I didn't want to be around). I was a fan of the storylines and how they intertwined so well. The list could go on and on, to be honest. Thing is, though.. those things are still very prevalent in pro wrestling today. The characters are still larger-than-life (although there's much less of a focus on "characters" these days, and instead there's more of a focus on "real people"), the music is still good in its own way, and the storylines are obviously still there. However, one of my favorite things about wrestling from when I was a kid is now dying off before our very eyes, and some folks will say it has already died. Managers. Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. James E Cornette. Paul Bearer (aka Percy Pringle). Mr Fuji. Sherri Martel. Miss Elizabeth. Sunny. That list can also go on and on. Managers were an extremely important part of the wrestling industry, whether it was merely to build heat (of the face or heel variety) for their wrestlers, or maybe to do the speaking for someone who may not have had the ability to do it for themselves, for one reason or another. Go back and watch old tapes of wrestling from the 80s and early-90s, and you'll rarely see a match on any particular card that didn't have a manager involved in it. They were all over the place, and sometimes it was more entertaining to watch a face manager and a heel manager go after each other during a match than the match itself. These days, however, managers aren't even really managers anymore. They're merely "valets" and/or useless pieces of T&A. Its sad to sit back and think about that. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with a nice set of tits or a great ass, but most of the women doing the managerial jobs these days have no managerial skills whatsoever and are nothing BUT nice sets of tits and great asses. Hell, sometimes they aren't even bringing that to the table. For example, let's use Cherry of WWE fame. What the hell was she bringing to wrestling when she managed Deuce & Domino? She's not all that great looking (well, in comparison to the rest of the women that are currently in the company, anyway), she doesn't have one of the better bodies of the WWE women, she isn't helping with anybody on the mic, etc. She's just.. useless. The most recent example of an actual honest-to-goodness manager in WWE before the current time was probably.. hmm.. Daivari, and now he's not even doing that anymore, and is instead wrestling as part of the TNA roster now. Well, I guess you could count Matt Striker as a manager, of sorts. Actually, what the hell would he be considered? He doesn't seem to be doing much of anything for long enough to claim a particular title of any type, whether it be hosting his own show, managing, wrestling, or just appearing in random backstage segments. I want to take this time to take a look at managers through the years and to discuss some of my favorites. I'll be taking a long look at the "past", "present", and "future" of pro wrestling managers, and as you'll quickly take notice of, the "past" section is full of names, and the other sections.. not so much. I was kinda hoping that the sections like "present" and "future" would have better representation than they did, but it was extremely difficult to sit here and place names into those categories, which says it all about the current state of pro wrestling managers. They're an endangered species. Kinda like black men who prefer to date black women. Yikes. Where the hell did that come from? I apologize for that. Its the truth, but I still apologize for throwing it out there for no real reason.  Bobby "The Brain" Heenan how it has robbed him of the ability to still go out and perform in the business that he's excelled at for decades. He was even a great commentator, as his work during the 1992 Royal Rumble match proves. Seriously, if you haven't seen that match, do yourself a favor and check it out, whether its on Ric Flair's first DVD set, in the Royal Rumble Anthology set, or even on YouTube or DailyMotion. It's worth your time, trust me. Enjoy the work of "The Weasel". Then again, its damn near next to impossible NOT to enjoy Heenan's work. You younger wrestling fans really don't have any idea on what you've missed out on.  James E. "Jim" Cornette business. When I say that, I mean overall, and not just in the managerial world. This good ol' country boy from Kentucky has a commanding (read: loud) voice, and even though he's one of the quickest talkers you'll hear, he rarely slips up on his own words, which is amazing. With his trusty tennis racket in hand, "Corny" was always ready to help his wrestlers out to get them wins, and although I wasn't "supposed" to, I liked him, anyway. Don't get me wrong.. I enjoyed seeing a face get their hands on him, if for no other reason than the comedic selling that he'd do whenever he was beaten up, but it isn't like I wanted him to be beaten up and then to disappear forever. I was perfectly fine seeing the Rock-N-Roll Express beat him up one week, only to see him back on TV the next week, running his mouth as only he could. His only real downfall may be that he's a bit too "old school" and has a difficult time reaching the "new school" wrestling audiences from time to time. Not that he can't or won't adapt, but its just that he loves the past so much and seems to be genuinely disappointed that a lot of that isn't what seems to work these days. He's still a great wrestling mind, however, and one that genuinely loves the wrestling business.  Paul Bearer (aka Percy Pringle III) forgot, Bearer is Kane's storyline father who was "killed" during the Great American Bash pay-per-view a few years back (although, due to complaints, announcers had to say, on-air, that Bearer was just seriously injured, and not dead, as it appeared). On Bearer's personal website, he danced around answering the questions about if he's the person that Kane wass talking about, which, of course, sets the rumor mill off. As we've now found out, it wasn't Paul Bearer that Kane was referencing, but it was still fun to think about it. Even if he's not set to make any sort of a return, Paul Bearer still goes down in wrestling history as one of the greatest managers of all-time.  Tammy "Sunny" Sytch exaggeration or hyperbole, either. When she was a heel, she was such a convincing bitch (although from various people's opinions, that wasn't an act), and yet, she still got cheered for what she did because she was so unbelievably hot. That's typical guy shit, if you ask me.. if a woman is beautiful, we always seem to look past all of her negative traits, no matter what they are. Her work with The Bodydonnas (Rest In Peace, Chris Candido), The Smoking Gunns, and The Godwinns was fun, seeing her go from team to team, managing whichever team was holding the tag team gold. After various personal problems that she has had to deal with through the years, she's made a bit of a return to the pro wrestling scene as a part-time member of the Ring Of Honor roster, but her best work was, of course, in the WWF in the 90s. That simply can't be denied, and I'm sure that even Tammy herself could agree with that.  Mr Fuji had a hard time not just doing it, anyway. BANZAI!!  "The Doctor Of Style", Slick WrestleMania 23, especially because he still looks great and looks like he could still handle his managerial business today if he wanted to. However, he's a man of God now and has found peace in his life outside of the ring, and I could never hate on a guy for that.  Paul E. Dangerously (on the right, alongside someone on the left who was never heard from again) fame, this man played the sleazy conman really well. Come to think of it, a lot of folks that know him on a personal level would probably tell you he wasn't playing any role when he did that, but that's a different story altogether, I suppose. I was a fan of his work in WCW, leading his "Dangerous Alliance" to numerous title victories, ranging from tag team gold to the United States Title. With his "Zack Morris" cell phone, he played his part to perfection, and heaven only knows how many different phones he had to go through after bashing them over the heads of various wrestlers through the years. Upon leaving WCW, he went on to use his hatred for the company to form the original Extreme Championship Wrestling as a vehicle to be everything in wrestling that he felt WCW wasn't, and the rest, as the kids like to say these days, is history.  "The Mouth Of The South" Jimmy Hart megaphone-projected voice, you always knew when "The Mouth Of The South" was around. One of the better motivators in managerial history, Jimmy could always be heard shouting encouragement to his charges, whether he was a heel or a face. He played both roles well, and seemed to legitimately be having the time of his life every single time he was on TV or pay-per-view. That's another thing that seems to be missing from wrestling today.. not everyone seems to be enjoying themselves when they're out there performing in front of the fans. They're supposed to be out there living a dream, but not everyone seems to be acting as such, which is also a true shame. Maybe they should watch old tapes of Jimmy Hart?  Sherri Martel Sherri, "Sensational" Sherri, "Scary" Sherri, "Sensuous" Sherri, and even "The Queen", but through all the various nicknames, one thing she was always known as was a great manager. One of the toughest women wrestlers of any era, her transition into managing was smooth and effortless. She managed a seemingly endless line of wrestlers through the years, and no matter who they were.. race, personality, face/heel orientation, etc.. she fit right in alongside every one of them. Her version of Shawn Michaels' "Sexy Boy" entrance music is still a classic. She left us too soon, though. It was fun to see her inducted into the WWE Hall Of Fame before she passed away, however, just to see how much fun she was having and how happy she seemed to be. Rest In Peace.  Miss Elizabeth there for motivation and inspiration, and for "Macho Man" Randy Savage, she was all that and more. When the "Mega Powers" of Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage broke up, it was because of her. When The Undertaker first turned face, it was because of her. She just drew people into storylines on an emotional level. One of my favorite Elizabeth moments is an easy one.. Savage, down on one knee, saying, in his own unique style of speaking, "Lizabett, wiiilll youuu marry meeee?", followed by a long pause and Elizabeth's response of "Ooooooh yeahhhhh" and the crowd going crazy. Also, think back to the event that led to the marriage proposal in the first place.. Savage had turned heel and aligned himself with Sherri Martel, and had just lost a "career-ending match" to the Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania 7.. after the match, Sherri turned on Savage, attacking him as he was still down in the ring.. until Elizabeth made her return, fighting with Sherri and then reuniting with Savage to a HUGE face pop. The woman simply knew how to tug on the old proverbial heartstrings. She's another one, however, that has left us too soon, although I'd rather not get into the discussion about what did and didn't go in during the last few hours of her life. It's not for me to make speculations. Rest In Peace.  Theodore R. Long before he was holla'ing at people.. he was "Peanuthead". For reasons that I haven't quite been able to figure out, Doom was one of my favorite tag teams in wrestling in the early 90s. Managing Doom, Theodore had a bit of the style and the "swagger" that Slick had before him, which may have been one of the main reasons I liked Teddy. Before Doom, however, were the Skyscrapers, who I was a HUGE fan of. "Dangerous" Dan Spivey, "Psycho" Sid Vicious, and "Mean" Mark Callous (whatever happened to him, anyway?) were just great to watch, and they all made Teddy look like he was 4 feet tall, which I always found funny. Maybe it was because I was so short at the time. Who knows? I've always had a strange sense of humor, and sometimes I find things funny that nobody else does. I've learned to accept that part of my personality.  "General" Skandor Akbar Devastation Inc stable. Even as a youngster, I had no problems with going against the grain, a trait in which I'm proud to have retained through the years.  Bill Alfonso exactly think his heel turn at the first Barely Legal PPV made a whole lot of sense, but hey, that's minor (get it? Barely Legal.. minor.. ahh, shut up) details. Of course, I can't mention "Fonzie" in ECW without mentioning his bloodbath of a match with Beulah McGillicutty, where he legitimately required a blood transfusion afterwards due to the blood loss he had. The story is that the match was ECW's offer for Fonzie to keep his job after they had found out he was working a deal with WCW behind the scenes for Eric Bischoff to raid some of ECW's talent for an ECW "takeover" of Nitro. I'd say he did his job to prove he wanted to stick around.  Gorgeous George  "Sweet N Sour" Larry Sweeney has played in all of his own managerial roles), Sweeney is all about making that green, and his work in Ring Of Honor in recent months has just been spectacular. Oh, and that laugh.. my goodness, that laugh.. its a thing of absolute greatness, in my opinion. Honestly, he seems like he'd be a good fit on the WWE roster somewhere down the line, and as an added bonus, he's a trained wrestler, as well, so he can contribute in multiple ways.  "The Sinister Minister" Jim Mitchell  "J-Train" Julius Smokes  Hornswoggle plays his role well, and he's helping the younger fanbase become involved in watching the show, so Vince can't be complaining, I'm sure. That said, I'd still rather watch Finlay as a singles competitor, with "Horny" as his manager, than having the both of them wrestle as a tag team, but its not the biggest loss in the world, I suppose.  Tony Atlas  ??? much more than he has on his own. The bottom line in all of this mess is that, while I haven't completely given up hope for the future of pro wrestling managers, that hope fades more and more with each passing year. It's like losing bits and pieces of my childhood, in a way. The memories that you always wish you could have to keep forever,.and they're just slipping away. Sad. Thank you to the following for helping me create ideas for this column.. - Ring Of Honor's "Straight Shootin" DVD (Volume 2) w/Percy Pringle - "Straight Shootin" with Jim Mitchell - "Straight Shootin" with Jim Cornette & Percy Pringle - D.O.I. Wrestling's shoot interview DVD with Julius Smokes (featuring Homicide) - Joe Crack, for handing me the column idea I already had in my head, and for helping me with the ideas in the beginning Thank you to the following for getting me through this column.. - Broadway Ristorante chicken wings - Dr Pepper - The music of John Legend - The sound of rain against my window - Kim Kardashain (and Kim Kardashian's Ass", which is enough for me) Writer's Note: Before I get some complaints or questions about it, just allow me to say that those I have listed in this column in the "Past" section were my favorites growing up. If you don't see one of YOUR favorites listed there, its either because they were a bit before my time, or I just wasn't as big a fan of theirs as you happen to be. That's fine. I'm sure a lot of you won't be big fans of some of those I have listed here. Nothing wrong with that at all. I'm still right, though, and you're still wrong. Remember that. Ha. Also, I tried to shy away from some of the female managers who were either also wrestlers, or those who went on to become wrestlers, which is why names such as Melina, Lacey, and Chyna aren't involved in any of these lists, because Melina damn sure would've made a list somewhere, if for no other reason than that entrance of hers. Again, just to clarify things a bit before people start asking me questions. That wraps up yet another edition of HIPRN, folks. I enjoyed writing this one a lot, taking myself on a nice trip down memory lane, and I hope that you guys enjoyed reading it and maybe even taking that same trip. Damn.. 20 columns is just around the corner. That's just crazy to me. I remember starting off my column writing not all that long ago, and now I'm bigger than the city lights down in Times Square (yeah, yeah-yeah). I went from a rookie in the game, and now I've earned my stripes like I play for the Bengals. I'd better start making plans for some special columns with V20 and V25 coming up in the not-too-distant future. We'll see how things go, I guess. For now, you all know the biznezz.. I'll be back here in.. one week. Yes, folks, you read that correctly. I've been neglecting you all so much recently that I've decided to make my next several columns weekly editions instead of them falling every other week or so. One way or another, keep it locked here.. same Hustle time, Same Hustle page. Until then, I'm gone like a freshly manicured lawn, nah'mean? From The Best Place On Earth, I bid you farewell. Aloha and Mahalo Nui Loa. "Life can change ya directions, even when you ain't planned it.. all you can do is handle it.. worst thing you can do is panic.. use it to your advantage.. avoid insanity.. manage to conquer every obstacle.. make impossible possible.. even when winning's illogical, losing's still far from optional.." Hustle HIPRNFeedback@gmail.com 
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