Damn, this has, pretty much, been the longest 3+ weeks of my entire life, but here we are. Welcome back to yet another edition of “Hustle Is Posting Right Now”. I just happen to be the man posting right now.. the man who is O.G. like 95 Air Max, neon green, out of Flight Club off of Fairfax.. the man who is chicken noodle soup sick.. the man who has got you stuck off the realness.. its ya boy, Hustle. I figured that I was lacking in the hyperbole department in recent columns, so I stepped it up here. Did a rather decent job, if I may say so myself. The hot Summer months are now upon on us, and its time to heat things up a bit here, as well. There should be a nice, steady stream of columns posted, not only with HIPRN, but with my fellow main page writers of LoP (well, the ones that aren’t quitting or retiring, anyway). I think its time to get things going here. Let’s get it poppin like a virgin cherry (wow). Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!!


One of my (well, it goes for damn near everyone, not just me, as a matter of fact) absolute favorite modes of any current-era wrestling video game is the Create-A-Wrestler section. I can’t speak for any of you, but as soon as I buy the current year’s edition of “Smackdown VS Raw” and start it on up, after I change the difficulty level to easy (hey, fuck you.. I like to start off without getting my ass handed to me, causing me to throw the controller through the TV), I go and create myself, or whatever wild character I just happen to have in my head at the time. I’ve actually been known to spend hours working on the character, from their hairstyle to their moveset, and everything in between. It drives some of my friends crazy, because they just want to start playing, but I just don’t feel right if I’m wrestling as Tommy Dreamer or Snitsky when I could sit back and unleash the devastating duo of “A Nigga & A Spic” on the entire WWE roster. With that in mind, I figured I’d use this column to have my own Create-A-Wrestler thingamabobber, only this time with the obvious twists thrown in..

1. I’ll be using different looks and attributes from wrestlers, both past and present, to create the “perfect” wrestler. Well, at least, what would pass for the “perfect” wrestler in my head. No homo. Of course, every single one of you will have different opinions, and that’s fine. These are MY choices, not who I think YOU should choose.

2. I can only use a wrestler once, so if I choose John Cena’s ring gear, I can’t pick the FU as the finisher, etc. Makes things more fun and definitely more challenging that way, otherwise this column wouldn’t be very long at all, seeing as how Cena already is the perfect wrestler. What fun would that be, though?

Of course, the “popular” time to do a column of this nature would be when the “Smackdown VS Raw” game is about to come out, or has just recently come out, and not several months later, like this column, but come on.. I’ve been known to make some “unpopular” choices in my columns in the past, so, really, what’s another one gonna hurt in the long run? Its time to get my white coat and crazy glasses, and get my Mad Scientist on. This is the real Dexter’s Laboratory. DeeDeeeeeeeeeeee~! Let’s get to creating..

Frame (Height & Weight Combination): Randy Orton
No homo, of course. Just had to make that clear right off Jump Street. Anyway, I didn’t wanna go with a 7-foot “monster” like is the easy thing to do in wrestling video games, and I didn’t wanna go for a midget, either, because they’re tough to win with in those types of games. Those of you who have ever used Rey Mysterio and fought people like Undertaker or Great Khali on maximum difficulty will understand that point completely, I’m sure. Randy Orton is right in the middle of both categories, and that’s a perfect combination for what I’m looking for here. Again.. no homo.. I’m just saying that 6’4” and 240-250 pounds is a great combo. Alright, fuck it, I’m gonna move to the next category before I find myself going pure homo and enjoying Kennedy matches (sick burn brainbustahhhhh~!).

Frame (Muscle Definition): Brock Lesnar
Well, maybe not quiiiiite as muscular as Brock was, but damn close to it, anyway. The guy, whether you love him or you hate him, is insanely well put-together.. no homo.. and that muscle definition is what I’d aim for with my CAW, just for fun. The girls seem to like his body, and the guys want his body.. no homo.. so its a nice combination of fun for everyone. Ha. The guy had muscles on top of muscles, ferchrissakes! We’re definitely going for the “no homo” record here, just so people who think they’re smarter than they really are can come up with some shit like “you jumped the shark with that saying” like that wasn’t the entire point. Thanks, but go and enjoy your applesauce cup and your milk carton first, then talk to the grown folk, young’n. Class dismissed.

Face: Batista
Is there even a way that I could get through this paragraph without having to type “no homo” in every single sentence? I’ve typed and re-typed this paragraph a good 12 times now, and each time it comes across as just reading really.. really.. really.. iffy. I think I’ll just leave it at the simple fact that women tend to think Batista is good looking, and he doesn’t have the face of a 12-year-old like some of the other choices I was thinking of putting in this spot. Ok, that’s enough already. I really shouldn’t have added this as a fucking option here (probably not the best choice of words there, I guess). Now I just feel dirty. Dirty like a man I once knew who went by the name of Sanchez, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is really dirty.

Hair: Steve Austin
Obviously, I could’ve went with any bald wrestler here, but because I just thought about Austin giving the Stunner to all 4 members of the on-air McMahon family during “Homecoming” a few years back, I went with him. The bald look would go better with wearing fitted caps like my character will be doing (foreshadowing~!) damn near all the time. And if not completely bald, then it would be something really close to it.. maybe even something like The Rock had all during his heel “Hollywood Star” run at the end of his WWE career. Either way, he won’t be looking like Meng in his WCW days with the wrestling world’s largest afro.

Skin Tone: Umaga
Even though I happen to be a proud and loyal card-carrying member of the KKK (white business card, shockingly enough), I always create “ethnic” wrestlers in the video games, because even I’ll go ahead and admit that “brown and black gives white a smack” in the “fun” category. From time to time, I’ll go with someone of a darker complexion than Umaga.. no homo.. but I figured it would be fun to pay homage to my Polynesian blood and go with a fellow Islander here. Not too dark, not too pale.. juuust right. No homo. Damnit. I think we’re well on our way towards reaching the record. Does anybody know the number to the Guinness Book?

Moveset: Bryan Danielson
Did you think I’d go through this entire column without some sort of an RoH mention? Of course not, people. Bryan Danielson is, in my opinion, one of the more versatile wrestlers going in the business today, able to mix it up with mat-based wrestlers, brawlers, and aerial specialists with equal success. As you’ll see a little bit later on in this here very column (more foreshadowing~!), I’m a fan of submission wrestling, and that is one of Danielson’s strengths, with multiple different submissions that he has in his arsenal. He’s not afraid to mix it up and brawl, as his stiff (no homo) style works just nicely in that regard. He can also take it to the top rope, as his suicide planchas into the crowd will show. Variation is always a good thing when it comes to wrestling movesets.

Charisma (non-verbal communication): The Rock
Nobody in the history of the professional wrestling business has owned more charisma than The Rock, in my opinion. When you can draw in over 20,000 people on a nightly basis merely by raising a single eyebrow and have them eating out of the palm of your hand like The Rock could always do, you’ve got some special ability, without a doubt. From “The People’s Eyebrow” to the “Just Bring It” hand motion, Rock had everything that a wrestler should strive for as far as natural charisma goes, and really, the competition isn’t even all that close when you really stop and think about it. He just always seemed to know what to do to get a reaction from the fans, whether he wanted you to cheer him or boo him.

Mic Skills: Mick Foley (any incarnation of him)
As I’ve mentioned on LoPForums.com (cheap plug) a few times before, I think that Mick Foley probably has the best mic skills of all-time, so I had to go with him here. Mick Foley could do it all on the mic.. he could make you laugh, he could make you cry, he could scare you half to death, he could make you think.. and to make it even better, damn near all of his promo work was just that.. his promo work, not stuff written for him by a writing team. The Rock would normally get mention here by most people, but as I always tell people, Rock was incredibly one-dimensional on the mic. He could only make people laugh, and although he was incredible at doing just that, there was no depth to his mic skills whatsoever. He couldn’t cut a serious promo or an angry promo without it coming across as being on the “funny” side, and I don’t think he ever even attempted to do any sort of an emotional promo at all. Because of that, Foley wins. Why Foley almost comes across as underrated on the mic, I’ll never understand. Some of you people are just weirdos, I guess.

Voice: Samoa Joe
I might as well run with some of the jokes that I sound like Samoa Joe, I suppose. Fun times for everyone. Hooray. Regardless of whether or not I actually sound like the guy or not, I like the voice he delivers his promos in. No homo. He can easily go from sounding pissed to being more light-hearted, and he can do it without having to move up or down in pitch or volume too much. That comes in handy when my character would be cutting those Mick Foley-like varied promos that he’d be so good at. Also, if all else fails, and he gets sick or something, I could step right in and take care of some voice-over work for him. Mac.. Joe Crack.. that was for you, you rat bastards.

Athleticism: Shelton Benjamin
Seriously, this one wasn’t even close. Shelton Benjamin possesses some of the most jaw-dropping athletic skills that I’ve ever seen in wrestling, from his “hops” to his speed to his balance, and everything in between. He’s one of those wrestlers that look like they could’ve excelled in 4 or 5 other sports had they decided to go that direction in their lives instead of what we know them as now. He could’ve easily worked out as a Point Guard in basketball, and probably even a Shooting Guard. I also think he’d make for a damn fine (no homo) Running Back in football. As a matter of fact, I could just about guarantee that he’d make a really good Running Back with that size (no homo) and speed combination of his. He’s just really fun to watch.. no homo.. even though I know he doesn’t have all of the pieces put together quite yet to make himself into a great pro wrestler. That’s a gawdamn shame, really. He came into the spotlight with so much potential, but I highly doubt he’ll ever reach that potential at this point. He still gets the nod here, though.

Strength: John Cena
Come on, you all knew he was going to show up here eventually, didn’t you? You damn well should have. I don’t even need to really get into his strength, because you’ve all seen how easily he’s lifted up the likes of Big Show, Rikishi, Great Khali, etc, for the FU. You know exactly what he’s capable of, and that’s what I’m looking for in my character. Someone with awe-inspiring strength, even though they’re not an awe-inspiring size. No homo. Ahhh, John Cena.. please pardon me for a moment.. niiiiice. Alright, I’m back. My apologies for losing my composure there for a second. That may have been partial homo. Just partial, though. Maybe a bit more than partial. Don’t tell anyone.

Speed: Shawn Michaels
I guess I could’ve went with WCW-era Rey Mysterio here (or even Masato Yoshino, for those of you “in the know”), or something along a similar train of thought, but speed wouldn’t be a huge part of my character’s repertoire, so I didn’t place as high a value on it as other categories. With that said, however, Shawn Michaels has plenty of speed, even now in his more “advanced” age. Again, he isn’t quite on the level of some of the Luchadors in the speed department, but he won’t have to be, not with John Cena’s strength and Shelton Benjamin’s athleticism. As long as he can keep up, which is something that Michaels can easily do, then he’ll be perfectly fine with the style of wrestling my character will be using.

Intensity: Kurt Angle (Heel version)
I almost went with Ken Shamrock here, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Shamrock’s intensity was a blatant attempt at hiding his mental retardation, and I can’t have that for my character. Not that there’s anything wrong with those people out there who happen to be mentally retarded, but it just isn’t something I want in my CAW. Seriously, though, Shamrock, more than likely, is off his rocker, and always has been. Well, that, and the fact that “Intensity” is one of Kurt’s famous “3 I’s”, along with “Integrity” and “Intelligence”, is why I chose Kurt here. When he’s working as a heel, Kurt’s intensity is absolutely through the roof, from the primal yells that he lets out pre-match to the pitbull-like viciousness he adds to his matches, especially when applying the Ankle Lock. He’s a helluva lot more fun to watch when he’s in that mode than when he’s happy-go-lucky and goofy when he’s working as a face, that’s for damn sure. The guy seems to completely lose all of his intensity when he goes face, which is a real unfortunate situation. I’d try and keep that super intensity with my character, heel or face, and even as a tweener. I don’t really see a whole boatload of sense having him be a total schmuck half the time. Well, I’d rather he not be a total schmuck any of the time, but I would hope that was common sense and didn’t need to be said, even though I just said it.

Finisher: Bret Hart (Sharpshooter)
Not only do I really enjoy using submission finishers in wrestling video games, but Bret Hart’s version of the Sharpshooter was just so.. so.. well, to get really corny, it was just so excellently executed. I’m sick of seeing people these days using bad-looking finishers that obviously don’t seem as if they’re hurting the other guy. I just don’t understand why people use submissions if they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. I mean, its one thing when you’re facing a submission wrestler and you try and beat him with his own move, even though you don’t usually wrestle that way, but damn, if you’re going to use it on a regular basis, can you at least TRY to make it look decent? *cough* The Rock *cough* When Bret slapped the Sharpshooter on, he would always make sure to sit back and wrench in just that extra amount of torque to his opponent’s back, and that’s why I appreciated his version of the move. All that time he spent getting turned into a pretzel in “The Dungeon” came in handy.

Ring Attire: Kane (unmasked version)
For various reasons, I have a bit of a fondness for the color red. I’ve been a fan of the design of Kane’s tights (no homo.. again) for a long while now. Black tights with a red barbed wire design wrapping around it? That’s just downright awesome, in my opinion. If at all possible, I might even try to see about switching it around and having red tights with a black barbed wire design wrapped around it, just for a combination of old and new. I had originally wanted to wrestle in baggy jeans, but as someone who wears baggy jeans on a regular basis, I know that its difficult to do that much of anything while you’re wearing them, let alone put on a ***** classic of a match that lasts for a half-hour. Yes, Ron Killings wrestles in baggy jeans. I realize that. However.. that actually furthers my point along quite nicely, if I may say so myself, which I just did. Wait.. didn’t Chris Benoit have a pair of red tights with a black barbed wire design on them? Shit, I may have to just stick with Kane’s version then. I don’t wanna have to kill my wife and son or anything. That was cheap. I’m sorry.

Out-of-ring Attire (Backstage, interviews, etc): Shad Gaspard
Whenever you see Shad, he’s got himself a nice fitted cap, a fresh jersey (sometimes a wifebeater or a hoodie, although he seems to be rocking the same imitation Patrick Ewing throwback jersey every week now.. must be tough times in the Gaspard household), baggy jeans (damn, there they are again), and Timberland boots on. That’s just “thug” to perfection right there, folks. No homo. Its also what I tend to wear on a regular basis to begin with, so I can just “relate” to the character, which is always nice. I also can’t forget about the always-there red “rag” (bandana, for those that missed my column about gang life) that my character would have, whether it was over his face, or wrapped around his head (2Pac-style), or wrapped around his fist (maybe one on each fist), or even hanging out of the back right pocket of those aforementioned baggy jeans. Those little finishing touches make the entire look special. I could’ve went with Shad’s Cryme Tyme partner, JTG, here instead, of course, but the jersey thing is what put Shad over the top and made me choose him. I’m simple. Some of you realized that long ago, I’m sure.

Entrance (Lighting, Pyro, etc): Homicide (RoH Version)
From the “Kill Bill” intro (which would lead directly into the opening sound effects of the entrance music, which I name next), to the flashing red lights.. Homicide’s RoH entrance is perfect for what I’m looking for. Just take the red rag from my character’s out-of-ring attire and have him wear it to the ring, like Homicide would always do, for that “menacing” look, as the music is bumping through the arena and the lights are flashing red.. perfect. I like that a lot. As my good friend Borat would say. niiiiice.

Entrance (Music): New Jack
“Natural Born Killaz” by Dr Dre & Ice Cube fit New Jack perfectly, and I’d like to think that it would fit my character perfectly, as well. I’d pick it up from the very opening second of New Jack’s version, with the gunshot and the woman’s scream mixed together, and roll from there. The only difference is that I’d like to think my character would be a better wrestler than New Jack, so my song wouldn’t need to be played during my entire matches to shield the fact that they weren’t going to be lasting all that particularly long. I don’t think people would wanna hear the song played on a loop for 30 minutes straight during those “WWE main event”-style matches, and ferchrissakes, it would be pure, unadulterated hell if my character was ever a participant in a 60-minute Ironman Match. Because of this song compared to Homicide’s RoH entrance music (“The Truth” by Beanie Sigel), I guess the red lights flashing in the entrance would have to be more of a strobe-like effect for my character, but that’s fine with me.


I want to take this time to apologize to aisce, because I know this column was a bit too e-fedish (not to be confused with an e-fetish, which is for a different column altogether) for his likings, but it just kinda turned out that way. I just started typing it all out, and what you’ve all just sat and read is the direction that the keyboard took me in. Its funny, because I don’t even have any set names that I use for my CAW characters. I don’t use my real name, but sometimes I’ll use Hustle, while other times it’ll be whatever pops into my head.. Cross, El Negro Niggar, or whatever. You folks can come up with a name for this character, if you’d like. Have fun. Have a go. As long as his name isn’t a weird one like Hines, Jordan, Chet, Corky, Seth, Quincy, or Lazenby, then you’ll be quite alright. Or Chad. Eww. Down with Chad. Those are weird names. I’m sure I’ll be receiving some feedback now from people who happen to have any of those names. That’s just my luck, I suppose. Let’s hope that, unlike some Straight Edge people, these folks actually have a fucking sense of humor, and realize that I’m not being 100% serious with every little thing that I say. Some of the feedback I got from my comments about CM Punk and the Straight Edge lifestyle made me ashamed to be a human being. There are several of you out there that need to calm down just a bit.


Alright, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. It frightens me to go back and see how many times I had to say “no homo” in this edition. It actually downright scares me half to death, as a matter of fact. At least I was sort of able to tone it down as the column went along. I’m grasping at straws, I know, but at this point, I’ll take whatever evidence of my heterosexuality that I can get, even as vague as that. I apologize for the quality (lack thereof, I suppose) of this particular column. I needed to get SOMETHING posted, as I’ve been behind schedule a bit. Anyway.. make sure to keep your eyes peeled (that’s always been a funny saying to me) and stay on the lookout for HIPRNv16, and you know the bizness by now, I would hope.. same Hustle time, same Hustle page. Until then, I’m out like a hog’s snout, nah’mean? Be easy, folks. From The Gunshine State, I bid you farewell. Aloha and Mahalo Nui Loa.

Life is beautiful. Life is a struggle. Life is a beautiful struggle.