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Submitted by Degenerate on Tuesday, May 20, 2008 at 5:46 PM EST 
 What's up, boys and girls? Well, especially the girls, because we all know how the ladies are hot for wrestling columnists. It's your boy Degenerate, hitting up the Lords Of Pain pages once again this week. I'm finally getting more time to write, so hopefully I'll be back more frequently, writing this stuff that comes from my warped mind. Oh, and because I was also threatened by a candy-slinging forum member. True story. Another reason why I'm here a mere week after my last column is because this week I celebrate my one-year anniversary since becoming a full-fledged columnist for LordsOfPain. net! Yep, May 22nd will mark the end of my first 366 days (don't forget Leap Year) in this awesome site. After 26 columns, I still feel pretty awesome and fully-energized to go forward for the next year. So for those who love my work here, rejoice in that fact. For the haters, you'll just have to deal with me being here for a long, long time. I'm not giving up any time soon. So with that being said, I want to give some column space and thank some peeps for allowing this to happen. Obviously, Calvin (the head honcho of this site) deserves props for allowing a Puerto Rican to grace his website. Also, if there's some sort of secret committee who chooses people to write for this site, I thank them as well for letting my columnistic (invented word) abilities to be seen in a greater scale. Finally, I thank my fellow column writers here in Lords Of pain, and especially over in the Columns Forum of LOPForums.com. Being a part of these groups is pretty cool, and I'm sure they appreciate what I do, even if they will never admit so. Thanks for everyone. Hooray for long, drawn-out speeches! Now let's say hooray to long, drawn-out wrestling columns! * Just mere days after Jeff Hardy returned from suspension, we find out that William Regal has been suspended for 60 days due to a second strike in the WWE's Wellness Policy. A while back I called Jeff Hardy a dumbass for his mistake. Now it's time to call William Regal a dumbass as well. He got the push of his life by being put in a prominent role as Raw's General Manager, and also by winning the King Of The Ring tournament, just like Jeff Hardy before him. Yet he goes and makes a stupid mistake to make it all come to a screeching halt, again just like young Hardy. From what I've read, it seems that Hardy has realized the errors of his ways, so I hope William Regal does as well. He's not as young or flashy as Jeff, so his chances at this age are limited, to say the least. I wonder what he did, though. My guess is that he was caught with the Whizzinator. Probably not using it in a drug test. Just caught with it. * So Paul Heyman wrote in his column a small list of who he thinks are the most under-utilized talents in professional wrestling today, and surprisingly he selected Randy Orton as his top pick. I'd say that's rather surprising. Not only was Orton the youngest champion ever, he also was a decent champ in his last run with the belt, lasting more than six months on top, including going out of Wrestlemania as champ - a rare feat for a heel champ, even in this day and age. If anything, it's Orton's fault for being under-utilized, due to his mistakes from the past. In any case, for some reason I still view Paul Heyman as one of the most honest and probably knowledgeable wrestling minds out there today. Most of what he says just makes sense. Dammit, I must've drank the old-school ECW Kool-Aid by mistake. * For some reason, I find news of The Great Khali in India to be funny. In case you don't know, Khali is just huge in India. Not literally, mind you, but he's an extremely popular star over there in his home country. Even the kiddies love the dude. He's been prominently displayed in the news, is going to star in a Bollywood flick, and is just "Da Man" there. Yeah, he's probably popular due to not many Indians being known outside of their country, but still it's weird how people here don't give a damn about him. He's definitely a physical specimen to say the least, and I'd say he's pretty decent in wrestling ring. He may not have Dean Malenko's moveset, but he's a big dude. He doesn't need that. If you disagree, I wish you a Khali Chop right on your head. * Finally, someone who has their priorities in life straight - TNA X-Division wrestler Consequences Creed didn't attend some TNA Impact ratings due to him attending class, as he's still in college. Yeah, he's not a big-time wrestler, and I think even some TNA fans don't even know who he is. But he's avoiding the most common mistake I believe any young wrestler can do - dedicate their full lives to wrestling when there's a very, very small chance of making it big. This way, if things don't go well in wrestling for young Creed, he still has something to fall back on. It's sad to continue seeing people who have no business being inside the ring anymore - Tony Atlas, anyone? - keeping on because they have nothing else. And no, having a small-time punk band doesn't qualify. Whatever, I just want Lita to return to wrestling. * It's about damn time that a DVD about Curt Henning is being produced. A lot of the newer fans don't know anything about Henning, which is a shame. From his upbringing in the AWA to his subsequent rise in the giant-filled land of the WWE, he was a special talent who was awesome in the ring. I hope this DVD does his career justice. At least it'll give people who only saw these wrestlers at the tail end of their careers (when they're most likely way past their prime) a chance to see how good they were before. DVD's like those about Brian Pillman and about the Von Erichs and WCCW are prime examples of that. I'm all for these DVD's from wrestlers of the past, particularly those who aren't with us any longer. There are a couple that I wouldn't mind seeing: - British Bulldogs: A truly revolutionary tag-team, where speed and strength meshed into one awesome unit. But also they should be featured individually, as Tom Billington and Davey Boy Smith have truly inspired more than their fair share of wrestlers. - Owen Hart: Even more under-utilized than Randy Orton, the story of the youngest Hart seems to definitely interesting - being related and over-shadowed to one of the most celebrated wrestlers of all time, being 'left behind' alone after the Montreal Screwjob, and of course, his unfortunate passing (more on that later). - Miss Elizabeth, Sherri Martel, Fabulous Moolah, and other women who revolutionized the women's role in wrestling: While all of these women I mentioned had different roles, all of them showed that women have their place in wrestling. We all know that wrestling is a larger-than-life fantasy world. The spectacle of the shows, the most-likely-juiced jacked-up wrestlers and the high-flyers who do things no sane person would ever do. That's what draws us to these shows. However, why doesn't it draw us fans to the hometowns of these wrestlers we see on TV? No, I'm not talking about boring Mobile, Alabama, the very dull Lima, Ohio or snooty England. I'm talking about kick-ass hometowns. Wrestling is chock-full of the best hometowns ever, and I'm going to take you on a tour through some of them. Parts Unknown Notable resident: The Ultimate Warrior Location, according to Google Maps: St. Fredericksburg, Texas Ahh, yes. Good ol' Parts Unknown. Definitely the place to find wrestlers, as this hometown seems to be a hotspot for those squared-circle elite. The Ultimate Warrior, Demolition, The Missing Link, Hugh Morris - all come from this wrestling haven. Like New York City, this seems like the number one destination for wrestling tourists all over the globe. And really, with such delightful residents, how can you refuse? I hear that on some days, you can spot the Warrior asking for hairstyle suggestions. Of course, this is if you can find it. I doubt it's in Texas. The Bottomless Pit Notable resident: The Boogeyman Location, according to Google Maps: Apopka, Florida An over-looked spot on the wrestling map, The Bottomless Pit is the place to be if you want to feel like the tour never, ever ends. The restaurants have such delicacies like fried acanthocephala, cestoda mignon and poached onychophora. The locals with face paint and mohawks are great for photo ops, providing fun and laughter for the whole family, provided you can actually see something, with the smoke the darkness that anything bottomless can provide. Asthmatics need not apply. Dudleyville Notable resident: The Dudley Clan Location, according to Google Maps: Uninc Pinal County, Arizona Where most wrestling vacationing places have one specific type of resident around, Dudleyville provides an eclectic variety that everyone can enjoy. There's Native Americans (Dances with Dudleys), Hillbillies (Buh Buh Ray Dudley), obese people (Chubby Dudley), sign-wielding people (Sign Guy Dudley), African-Americans (D-Von Dudley), small, skinny people (Spike and Little Snot Dudley), and well-endowed people (Big Dick Dudley). If you're lucky, you'll be able to catch a glimpse of the last of the pure residents (Dudley Dudley) walking around. Single people, don't mind coming here, as it's a total sausage-fest, with only one female (Lady Dudley) seen in the past fifteen years. Oh wait, I just got an updated travel brochure... It seems like Dudleyville is virtually a ghost town nowadays. Seems like they got into a bit of a legal trouble and had to ditch town. So you'll probably want to skit this spot anyway. The Other Side Of The Tracks Notable resident: Deuce and Domino Location, according to Google Maps: Manitowoc County, Wisconsin It's been largely said that The Other Side Of The Tracks is a much more entertaining destination than This Side Of The Tracks. It must be, for a resident of the Fiji Islands as Deuce to move over there. I mean, who in their right mind would want to trade coconut-bashing for anything in this world? Well, little is known about The Other Side Of The Tracks, other than they seem stuck in a time-warp from the Fifties. Perhaps it's a theme park? I'd go investigate, but I don't want to spring for a leather jacket, nor like the prospect of the local hotties over there being all day on roller skates. WCW Special Forces Notable resident: The Patriots Location, according to Google Maps: Menlo Park, California No, this isn't about those 18-1 Patriots.This is the place for your war-mongers and patriots alike to get together. To hell with Arlington, Virginia. You can see a cemetary and pay respects to fallen comrades and soldiers who gave their lives for freedom, but where else can you get two former Desert Storm vets - one of them called Firebreaker Chip - together and kick some more ass after the war? As an added bonus, this will be the only place where you can get to see a true Firebreaker up close and personal. I bet you didn't know WCW had any Special Forces, did you? Not many people know that, which I bet is one of the prime reasons WCW ceased to exist. Firebreakers = Ratings. The Deepest, Darkest Corner Of His Mind Notable resident: Black Reign Location, according to Google Maps: Orlando, Florida This is one place we've all been to, although I don't find its allure to go visit once again. It's deep and it's dark. What else is there to do? I don't know, but it seems like the perfect place for former Hollywood residents like Goldust to escape the hustle and bustle of California life. Wouldn't recommend it for anyone else, though. I wonder if this is where WWE and TNA employees hung out before Wrestlemania 24, when explicitly told not to do so? Wherever He Darn Well Pleases Notable resident: Sid Location, according to Google Maps: Washington, DC So that's where the center of the political world hangs out. The Democratic National Committee is here! Wherever he darn pleases, whoever he is. But that doesn't matter in the world of politics. Or in the world of seven-foot monsters who no-show wrestling events. I can see why, since he can no-show an event, and when the wrestling promoter is pissed and asks "Where the hell is that son-of-a-bitch Sid?", anyone can easily answer "Wherever He Darn Well Pleases." It's like the classic "Who's on first" joke. In any case, now I know why Hillary Clinton is such a lying bitch. And I thought it was just because she was a politician. So with Europe out of reach of most middle-class Americans, it's time to head out on the mini-van or take a Greyhound bus to your nearest wrestling tourism spot.  Another reason why I wanted to write this week is because of another anniversary. However, this is a more dubious anniversary, and one I wouldn't had liked to remember at all. I'm talking about the death of Owen Hart. Nine years ago this Friday, May 23rd, Owen Hart passed away in the terrible accident we all know happened in Kansas City. Wow, nine years have passed already. It was so long ago, yet, it seems like it happened recently now that I think about it. I vividly remember exactly how I found out. I didn't catch that particular show. Back in the late-nineties, I usually went to a sports bar close to my house back in Puerto Rico which transmitted all wrestling and boxing Pay-Per-Views. I rarely missed a WWE show at that time, yet I decided to skip this one. I think the next day I had an early exam at 7:30 AM. Plus, the show wasn't that spectacular to begin with. I had no interest in the Corporate Ministry and The Union feud, nor Val Venis and Nicole Bass tagging up. The main event, pitting Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Undertaker, failed to grab my attention as well, since they had brawled so many times in the past year. The guy who I usually went to the shows with did go. He called me during the night, just as I was falling asleep, and he said "Dude, I think Owen Hart was injured." Me, thinking it was something that happened during the match, said "Eh, let me know tomorrow, I'm gonna go to sleep." Minutes later, he called me and said in a somber voice "Dude... Owen Hart was actually killed." My heart stopped for a moment, then I said "Yeah right, fucker. Let me go to sleep." But he said "No man, it's true, it's true, he fell or something and he died." I asked if they showed it and he said no, but Jim Ross said it. So I still didn't believe him and hung up. The next morning before I went to class and my exam, I turned on the news and there it was: WWF wrestler dies after fall. I was just in shock as the reporter told the details of what happened. I just couldn't believe it. On my way to class, I couldn't just think about anything else. The weird thing is that I'm very empathic, possibly to a fault, and all I could think about was Owen's family, especially Bret, and how devastated he had to be in that exact moment. I remember recently watching the documentary Wrestling With Shadows, and seeing how close Bret and Owen were. So I knew this had to be extremely difficult for all of the Harts, especially since Owen was the very youngest. The tribute they did on Raw has to be the most emotional Raw ever, trumping Eddie Guerrero's tribute show in my opinion. At the time, we had never seen such a sight as when Raw opened that night, and all of the wrestlers and personnel were standing in the ramp, most everyone crying their eyes out. Seeing guys like Triple H, Mark Henry and especially Jeff Jarrett (who Owen had been teaming a month or so before) just broken down was a saddening sight for me. I know that anyone who was a wrestling fan at the time and saw that show cried as much too. I know I did. I have that show taped in VHS (remember those?) and last watched it as I was cleaning up my room before moving to New York City this past January. It was as emotional as it was when I first saw it. The moment that stood out for me was Jeff Jarrett speaking about Owen. He had to stop a few times because he was just crying so much. His interview seemed the most sincere of everyone else's, stating that in the pro wrestling business, you have lots of acquaintances but very few friends, and that the entire industry was fake and a fantasy world, but Owen was real. He went on to say that he made a promise to himself, and that when Owen's kids grew older, the only thing they would have were video tapes of him, but he was going to make sure they knew who their father really was. It's been nine years, and I really hope Jeff kept that promise. However, there's one thing that sort of irks me. Throughout the night, everyone spoke about how funny Owen was, and how much everyone loved him. Sadly enough, 99% of wrestling fans never got to see or experience this side of Owen. The only side we got to see of him was his jealous and angry side he played on TV. It's easy for anyone to confuse the fantasy of TV into reality when the fantasy part is the only thing we've seen. The same thing happened with Ray Traylor, a.k.a. The Big Bossman. After he passed away, his caring side was prominently featured, even though he was one of the most hated individuals in the WWE during his final run there. It sucks that I never got to know this side of those characters I grew up watching, and that they only come out when they're not here. I've rambled about this incident long enough, much more than I expected to write. So let me end this by asking people to say a prayer for Owen and his surviving family, especially his children. I really hope they're doing okay without their father in their lives. Before I split, let me leave you with some columns from the aforementioned Columns Forum, so you can get more reading goodness. The Real F'n Show #22 - Super Smash Style By WholeFnShow Seems like someone has been playing Super Smash Bros. way too much. It shows when WholeFnShow - see what I did there? - takes the beloved Nintendo cash-cows and compares them to actual WWE wrestlers. Now if Finlay could drop a smart-bomb on CM Punk... Eyes Are The Windows To The Soul : The Ballad of Jimmy Jacobs By CoLd I'll admit it - I know jack about independent wrestlers. I've tried to follow indy wrestling, but my attention eventually strays and I just give up. Thanks to this nice column by CoLd, I'll probably take it up again. It's a story of one small man's journey through the ranks. And be careful not to get Balled along the way. Yeah, inside joke, for those who care. You'll need to read the column and the feedback to know what it's about. The Crime Scene - Take A Shot By Homicide Wrestling is fake. I know, surprising, right? But there are some things that are real, or are done so damn well that they seem real. The e-fedder known as Homicide writes about the 'art' of shoots in professional wrestling. Now if that son-of-a-bitch can stop his gay e-fedding and start writing more... Wait, I forgot to add 'IC'. Well, that's it for me. I wrote way too much this time, so if you got here, then you're a pretty dedicated reader, and I thank you. That, or you scrolled down just to see if I plugged you. I'm on to your cheap tactics, Columns Forum peeps. If you want to leave some feedback, feel free to do so at dennmart@gmail.com, or head on over to the forums and leave the feedback at this column's thread. Of course, you need an account for that, but why would you not have an account? I'll see you all sooner than you expect it, Degenerate
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