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Submitted by Hustle on Tuesday, May 20, 2008 at 12:01 AM EST 
Hustle Is Posting Right Now: Volume 13 (CM Joe/Samoa Punk Edition)  Good lookin out for the graphics work, Noc Reunited Ya boy, Hustle, is back in the building once more, and I’m tryin to get my column-writing back on a regular schedule. My words travel like a vortex, from your spine to the top of your cerebral cortex, and make you feel like you bust a nut from raw sex.. enter through your right ventricle and clog up your bloodstream.. I’m terminal like Grand Central Station. I just want to make sure that’s understood. Ha. I’m a pretty big deal ‘round these parts, ladies and gentlemen. Can’t nobody claim to be the shizzle nizzle like I can. Please believe. I better hurry up and get this column finished already.. Michael Hayes and I are going to watch Dave Chappelle’s stand-up later, then we’re off to Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles. Alright.. no more talkin the motherfucking talk.. let’s walk the motherfucking walk. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!! Visionz Samoa Joe. CM Punk. For those who have been fans of Ring Of Honor through the years, those two names go together like Matt Hardy and average.. like Dr Pepper and anything.. like tuna and macaroni & cheese.. like e-fedders and whining. They were good friends during their time in RoH.. they had a trilogy of matches with each other that are, arguably, the most famous matches in the company’s history, what with the first two going to hour-long draws, and the final one running long, as well.. they had, arguably, the funniest and most entertaining “Straight Shootin” shoot interview DVD in RoH’s short history.. they were rumored to both be heading to WWE together at one point (and, to a lesser extent, to both be heading to TNA together).. and they were basically the biggest names on the “indy” circuit for a while, with big fan followings that swore their guy was the next big star in the business. Obviously, they both went down different paths upon leaving RoH, but the question is.. what if they didn’t? What if they both wound up in WWE? What if they both wound up in TNA? What if Joe landed in WWE, while Punk landed in TNA? What if they both stayed in RoH? That’s what I’ll be looking at here, just for shits and giggles. With Punk recently winning Money In The Bank at WrestleMania 24, and with Joe FINALLY (seriously, TNA, Joe was being nice with his comments.. this was LONG overdue) winning the TNA Heavyweight Title at Lockdown, a lot of talk is centering around both of them once again, so now is as good a time as any for a column like this. First off, let’s start with the scenario of them both staying in RoH and turning down contracts for the “Big Two”.. A Better Tomorrow The RoH name gets bigger and bigger as time goes by, and its hard to go and seriously argue that Samoa Joe and CM Punk aren’t big reasons for that. I can’t even remember how many people have asked me about both men since they arrived in TNA and WWE, respectively. People that knew I was a big RoH fan wanted to know about both guys. What were they like in RoH? Did they look any different in RoH? Did they wrestle any different in RoH? I answered the questions that I could, and tried to direct people to different ways of watching some of their old work, without introducing them to “The Trilogy” (watching three matches that total a near three hours all by themselves might be too much for someone just being introduced to RoH or to the particular people in the matches). The question I’m asking here, though, is this.. How big would the RoH name have gotten to this point if neither guy made a name for himself elsewhere? Obviously, I think there would’ve been a difference, and the whole “RoH on PPV” thing probably would’ve taken a bit longer to happen, but I think all the concerned parties would’ve been just fine and dandy. Joe and Punk would’ve remained locked in the upper tier of RoH, contending for the RoH World Title against the likes of each other and a variety of names.. some they’ve competed against, and some they haven’t. RoH would’ve continued to grow by the word-of-mouth of people, as they always have. WWE would still be the multi-billion dollar company that they are. TNA would still suck tremendous amounts of cack. Like, Jenna Jameson amounts of cack sucking, and that is a whole lot of fellatio. Ok, sure, less people would know of the names “Samoa Joe” and “CM Punk”. That’s just common sense. I’m talking about the fact that both men have repeatedly said how much they loved RoH, the RoH fans, and the RoH locker room. The main concern would, of course, be the money they’d be making doing what it is they do best. Punk is at a spot on the WWE roster where, while not making Triple H, Undertaker, or John Cena money, he’s still collecting himself a nice paycheck, no doubt, and Joe is the TNA Heavyweight Champion, ferchrissakes, so you know he’s pulling in more change than someone like Shark Boy or Eric Young is. However, with paychecks from RoH, as well as all the tour dates they’d undoubtedly be working in Japan for Pro Wrestling NOAH, you can’t say that either man would be living in an alley behind a Wal-Mart somewhere and living off of half-eaten apple cores had they stayed “home”. Damn.. some of the possible matches we could’ve seen make me almost sad that they did leave. CM Punk VS KENTA? Samoa Joe VS a much improved Claudio Castagnoli? Joe & Punk VS The Briscoes? Joe & Punk VS Kevin Steen & El Generico? Either of them VS Tyler Black? I definitely like the sound of that, and I haven’t even mentioned names like Bryan Danielson (best wrestler in the world, by the way), Nigel McGuinness, Chris Hero, Austin Aries, Naomichi Marufuji, the Dragon Gate guys, etc. Oh yeah, I most DEFINITELY like the sound of that. Next up, we switch things around a bit and have Joe headed to WWE while Punk heads to TNA. Impossible The main rumor about Samoa Joe coming to join WWE was that he was (supposedly) going to be the man behind the Umaga character. Now, think about that for a moment, if you will. Really really think about that for a bit. Joe is shorter than Eddie Fatu (the current Umaga, for those not “in the know”.. yeah, yeah.. kayfabe blah blah blah) by about 3-4 inches, and also gives up 60 some-odd pounds in the weight department. I also don’t think he could pull off the “savage” look as well and as effortlessly as Mr Fatu can (or Black Machismo, for that matter.. nevermind). However, the main difference that swings things in Joe’s direction is the fact that he can flat-out GO in the ring. Sure, picturing Samoa Joe in the Umaga face paint is a little strange, but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he’d be able to put on some good-to-great matches with people that the current Umaga has faced.. the Jeff Hardys, Chris Jerichos, and Carlitos of the world. Hell, just like how the current Umaga has flirted with the main event-level in WWE, the Samoa Joe version would hold his own against the likes of Triple H, Batista, and Shawn Michaels. The only real problem I see with the entire scenario is the fact that Joe would’ve been popular enough at various places across the country that there would be “Joe” chants during his matches. Good luck holding shows in New York, Philadelphia, and Chicago without people “unlocking the secret” of who Umaga actually was. Eventually, something would need to be done about that.. maybe turning him back into the original Samoa Joe persona or something like that, where he could build on his underrated mic skills with a writing team that doesn’t get enough credit, in my opinion (by the way, I don’t sound anything like Samoa Joe.. this goes out to Joe Crack.. Mac.. and anybody else that thinks I do). Not saying Joe would’ve been a guaranteed WWE Champion or anything, but he does have a “friend in high places”, as the saying goes. He’s really good friends in real life with a member of the WWE roster. Someone who makes all the decisions in the company, if you asked certain people. There’s a slight possibility that you’ve heard of this guy.. he goes by the name of John Cena. John Cena VS Umaga in a Last Man Standing match at the 2007 Royal Rumble was my choice for 2007’s Match Of The Year.. I can only imagine how much better it would’ve been if it was John Cena VS Samoa Joe. Excuse me for just a moment.. *exhales deeply*.. very nice. I’d give that match damn near five stars off of principle alone, and something tells me that wouldn’t be all that far off from the actual rating, had the match really taken place. Alright, I’m back. Before I zone out about Cena VS Joe again, let’s take a look at the flip side of the “Joe in WWE, Punk in TNA” discussion for a while.. CM Punk would’ve made a very nice debut in TNA, if for no other reason than “The Professor”, Mike Tenay. Tenay has always done a masterful job at building up foreign and/or new talent to the people watching at home (as well as a masterful job of looking like a complete wannabe badass anytime he’s on camera, but that’s a different story for a different columnist, I’m sure). He did it in WCW with the debuts of the Luchadores and with people like Ultimo Dragon from Japan, and he did a great job at it with Samoa Joe upon his TNA debut. If you listened to Tenay upon Joe’s first few appearances with the company, you’d have sworn that Joe was the single biggest and best thing to ever happen to TNA at the time. I have no doubts that Tenay could’ve gotten Punk over in TNA in a somewhat similar manner after only making a single appearance on the air. I don’t think that Punk would’ve had the long undefeated streak like Joe did, but feeding him guys like Sonjay Dutt, Amazing Red, Matt Bentley, Shark Boy, and the like would’ve been a nice start and a decent way for TNA fans unfamiliar with him to get to know his body of work. As with Joe, I’m sure that a large percentage of the live TNA fans would’ve known who Punk was (even if only due to Punk’s work in RoH’s Florida-based “sister promotion”, Full Impact Pro), and he would’ve been instantly over from the start. Also like Joe, Punk could’ve easily transitioned into feuds with fellow RoH alumni like AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels, and they probably could’ve put on a great Three Way Dance at Unbreakable, although I think that Joe’s size difference over Styles and Daniels helped push that match to 5 stars, while Punk would probably have helped it in the 4.25-4.5 range, in my opinion. The only real problem would be moving Punk out of the X-Division. Joe almost HAD to be moved out of the division when he did. Even though the X-Division has repeatedly advertised that they have no weight limits, it got to the point where all the smaller guys just weren’t going to realistically hang with Joe on a regular basis. I guess you could say that it was kinda like in a battle between the dreaded Cauliflower Cheese (Hi, sheep) VS a juicy T-Bone steak. Punk is nowhere near Joe’s size, just in case you all hadn’t really noticed that not-so-obvious factoid. I guess he would’ve used his popularity with the fans to try and move up the card and the proverbial totem pole a bit, but I just can’t picture Punk coming out as Sting’s tag team partner against Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner (other than the real half-assed connection between Punk’s Straight Edge persona and Sting’s strong religious beliefs), nor would I have seen Punk go on and feud with Steiner afterwards, one-on-one. Not as quickly as Joe did it, anyway. I gotta admit, though.. the thought of a Kurt Angle VS CM Punk feud intrigues me. I doubt they would’ve been able to put on a “hybrid match” of wrestling and mixed martial arts at Lockdown (one of the better TNA matches I’ve seen in a long time, by the way.. thanks DailyMotion), but the feud would be nice nonetheless, if I really think about it. To switch things up some more, let’s see about if BOTH Joe and Punk would’ve made their way to Orlando and worked for TNA.. Severe Punishment Again, Mike Tenay would’ve worked his ass off to help the fans at home “know” Samoa Joe and CM Punk upon their debuts with the company. Chances are, he would’ve documented their long-standing rivalry from “elsewhere”, and helped them out in that way, as well. The way I see it, even though Tenay would mention their past history, I think TNA would’ve kept them apart for a while. Maybe build it up a bit or something, although I may be giving TNA’s writing team far too much credit here. Realistically, they would’ve blown their proverbial (the last time I use that word in this column, Scout’s Honor) loads and had Joe & Punk face each other in a “Best of 371” series, lasting well over two years. Doesn’t that sound like oodles of fun? Hell, they could have an entire Lockdown PPV dedicated to Joe VS Punk, having them face each other 10 times during the show, with each match having a more ridiculous set of stipulations than the last.. kinda like how they do now. Zing. At least now, the matches have other people being involved, so I guess it isn’t THAT bad. *ahem* Where was I? Oh yeah.. keep Joe and Punk away from each other for a while and build up their past together, so that when they DO face each other, it’ll mean just that much more. Move Joe to the main event scene after a while, and maybe have Punk run roughshod over the entire X-Division. Give Punk the X-Division Title and let him hold onto it for a few months, beating all challengers, and all the while, Joe is off feuding with the Scott Steiners, Jeff Jarretts, and Rhynos of the company. Then, you could do something like having a tag team take out Joe.. maybe a team like 3D or Tomko & Styles.. prompting Joe to need a tag partner, and surprisingly, he chooses Punk.. only to have Punk turn on him during the match itself. For those who have only seen the face WWE version of CM Punk, allow me to tell you that you’re missing out. Punk makes for a really good asshole heel (based on his real life persona, according to a few people who have met him), and I wish we could see THAT version of Punk every week instead of the (at times) lame ass version we have now. Anyway, before I ramble on again.. after Punk turns on Joe, then you can go buckwizzy with their feud.. and maybe even build your own trilogy between the two. How difficult was that? I might have even tuned into TNA on a more regular basis had they done something like that, but alas, it was not meant to be. Now, let’s take a look at what would’ve happened had both men taken themselves to Titan Land to work with Vince McMahon.. Triumph From what I’ve come to understand, the “Samoa Joe becomes Umaga” rumor was about a different time that WWE was looking at him, and that there was also a time where WWE was looking to bring in Joe as Joe, as well as bringing Punk in. Different versions of that story have been floating around out there.. some involving Mick Foley (who worked with them in RoH and who has admitted to being a huge fan of both men.. no homo), and some not. For the sake of this column, let’s say Joe came to WWE as Samoa Joe, not Umaga, and that Mick Foley wasn’t involved with them, storyline-wise. As much as I love Uncle Mick, his mind worked too much overtime as far as storylines went. He probably created 20 storylines and angles per day, each one with 10 different endings involving 30 different people, just in case the creative team had issues with anything. If my mind worked that way, I’d be ON the creative team, and not just writing columns involving the creative team. Anyway.. damnit, I keep going off-track.. stop letting me do that, folks.. *ahem*.. so, uh, yeah.. Samoa Joe is in WWE as Samoa Joe, and CM Punk is there as CM Punk. Honestly, I think that Punk would’ve made his debut on the ECW brand (unless you count being one of John Cena’s “mobsters” during Cena’s entrance at WrestleMania 22, of course), just like he did in actuality, but I think that Joe would’ve been a Smackdown member from the beginning. Samoa Joe VS MVP sounds like a real winner to me, and hell, just for the train wreck, I’d take Joe VS Rey Mysterio, as well. Hell, maybe we could see Joe hit the Muscle Buster on the Great Khali or something. Well, maybe we won’t go THAT far, but I like the roster of guys on Smackdown as far as their potential in working with Joe. Hell, even the idea for a Joe VS Undertaker match gets me thinking some really happy thoughts every time. Oooh.. or Joe VS Edge, even. Nice. I think that Joe would/could/should get over quickly with the WWE fans. The people who don’t think that Joe would succeed in WWE always use the same tired reasoning.. he doesn’t have “the look”. I don’t know if they’ve been paying any attention or not, but Big Daddy V looks different than Rey Mysterio looks different than Triple H looks different than Shelton Benjamin looks different than Finlay looks different than Trevor Murdoch looks different than.. well, you all probably get the point by now, I’m sure. Come on.. not having “the look” is a weak excuse. Might as well go over-the-top with stupidity and go on to say that Vince McMahon doesn’t ever hire Samoans to work for him. I don’t doubt for even a second that, if he debuted on Smackdown, Joe would be in contention for the United States Title within his first couple of months there, and maybe.. just mayyybe.. he could be at semi-main event level in slightly less than a year’s time. Not winning the World Heavyweight Title or anything, but at the level that Jeff Hardy was at on Raw before getting his ass suspended.. feuding with main event-level talent, teaming with main event-level talent on occasion, and maybe even headlining a PPV or two with title shots. You know.. that type of glorious shenaniganery and utter tomfoolery. Meanwhile.. Punk would have taken the same route as he actually wound up taking in WWE. Being over with the ECW crowds right off jump street due to those vignettes, and working his way up to title contention on that show. While it may be a bit biased, seeing as Samoa Joe is one of my current favorite wrestlers, I feel that Joe would not only put on better matches with a wider variety of people, but get over quicker and connect with the fans a bit more than Punk. I mean, shit, drunk rednecks (redundant, much?) and frat guys are the only ones who watch wrestling these days, as it is, so why would they care about this Straight Edge guy, anyway? The only reason Punk initially got over was the fact that people thought he was related to the great uber-celebrity, CP Munk (who is a TRUE legend, but that’s for an entirely different column altogether, unfortunately.. yes, I just passed up yet another column here). In all seriousness, though, I do think that Joe would’ve had a much quicker rise through the rankings than Punk had they both made their way to wrestle in WWE at around the same time. Not to really and truly compare Joe to people like a Chris Benoit or a Finlay (while really and truly comparing him to them at the same time), but Joe’s moveset, his “no frills” attitude, and his general badassedededness can get him over anywhere in the world. Punk needs a little more “help” than that to get over. That’s not even really a knock on Punk or anything. Most wrestlers would fall into his category if that’s what we’re gonna be talking about. Other than a tattoo of the motherfucking Pepsi logo, there’s not a lot that stands out about CM Punk. Not his look, not his ring attire, not his (WWE) moveset.. not much of anything. I’m actually surprised he’s as over as he is right now, to be honest. I would say there’s more Straight Edge people out there than I thought, but here’s the problem with that.. if you’re a nerd in school and have went through your years without trying alcohol or any sort of drugs, it’s not because you’re “Straight Edge”. It’s because you’re a fucking nerd and weren’t at any of the cool parties. We all know that. Now stop flaunting your tattoos and your other suckocity. Seriously.. none of you fucks even knew what Straight Edge was before you saw CM Punk on TV. Now, all of a sudden, there’s thousands and thousands of you that are PROUD members of the group.. or organization.. or cult.. or whatever the fuck it is you call yourselves. Do everyone a favor.. go have a beer and then see if you dislike it. Either that, or SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. ABOUT. IT. The preceding rant was nothing but 100% truthiness, and in no way, shape, or form represents anything close to an “opinion”. Now back to your regularly scheduled column. *ahem* Going back to what I was trying to say earlier.. umm.. oh yeah, Punk needs more “help” to get over than Joe does. Punk is a better talker, overall, than Joe is, but you need more than just that, unless they plan on having Punk do the commentating duties instead of wrestling. My reasoning for thinking this way is the simple fact that, while he hasn’t been wrestling there for years and years or anything, most people still don’t seem to really buy Punk as any sort of legitimate contender on the WWE roster, as far as all the upper echelon guys are concerned. Sure, he’s held the ECW Title and all, but that’s the equivalent of a midcard title, anyway, and that’s pretty obvious by the way it is treated on PPVs from time to time. Now that he’s “Mr Money In The Bank”, bigger and better things SHOULD be on the horizon for him, but other than die-hard Punk fans, or even diehard ECW fans wanting to see “their” guys get some major props, most people see him cashing it in either for another ECW Title shot (which would make me laugh hysterically to no real end) or to get downright steamrolled by either of the “actual” champions. Does anybody REALLY think Punk would stand a real chance against the Undertaker right now? How about against Randy Orton, the guy who Triple H and John Cena couldn’t even beat for several months? Against Triple H or John Cena themselves? Honestly, at this point in his career, he should be seen as more than that. Joe being around there, as well, would just stunt Punk’s growth even more, I would think. Sorry, Punk fans, but that’s just the way Hus-A-Hus feels. Duck Seazon In regards to Samoa Joe’s current TNA Heavyweight Title reign, allow me to say that I’m disappointed in how TNA has handled it to this point, but sadly, I’m not surprised in the slightest. This company hasn’t shown the slightest ability to purposely do anything correctly, but as the old saying goes.. even a broken clock is right two times a day. Just like the broken clock, however, when TNA is “right”, it only takes a minute for them to fuck it up again. I’m not saying that Joe should be going out and ending all of his matches at the 90 second mark by submission or anything, but damn.. have someone pin him in a tag match, building up their worth and making them appear to have a more legit chance of doing the same thing in a one-on-one encounter. Have Joe gain some more momentum by having him pin people or make them submit in tag matches, making the guy who is supposed to be the best your company has to offer look even stronger. Don’t have him wrestle at all, and then just have him talk down to his competition on the mic as they all fight for the chance to face him at the next pay-per-view. Fuck.. just do SOMETHING so it doesn’t appear that your champion is a “lame duck”. TNA, it isn’t that difficult of a thing to figure out. It really isn’t that difficult. Unfortunately, I just don’t see Joe’s title reign lasting that much longer, which is a shame on multiple different levels, in my opinion. Maybe its the fact that he just faced a washed-up Scott Steiner and a guy, in Kaz, that nobody in their right minds buys as a legit main event wrestler. Maybe the company should hope that Kurt Angle doesn’t break his neck for the 48th time tomorrow when he catches a sneezing fit. Maybe they should build someone like AJ Styles back up. AJ has shown on countless occasions that he can flat-out go with Samoa Joe in the ring, and it would be nice to have a feud for the title around 2 “homegrown” guys, for once. Prove me wrong, TNA.. and I swear to Joe Pesci, if this entire shenaniganery is all building up to Joe dropping the title to Kevin Nash, I’ll violate Dixie Carter. Sideways. With a broomstick. A splintered broomstick. Covered in a lot of rat poison. With dead rats stuck to said rat poison. With maggots invading the dead rats. For Heaven's Sake Before I head out of here, allow me to handle an extra special shout-out because I know people simply adore it when I do that. This person really doesn’t need a special mention, but will get one nonetheless, based on how absolutely awesome they are, and for everything they’ve contributed to the success of “Hustle Is Posting Right Now” through the months that I’ve been writing. Let’s get to it.. Me: Much love goes out to myself, if for no other reason than I love me some me. You know, Hustle, I never did get to congratulate you for the main page gig. So.. congratulations on that, homie. You may not be the best writer out there, or the funniest writer, or the most prolific writer, or own the largest.. vocabulary.. but you seem to have built a nice connection with your readers, and gosh darnit, people like you. Love you, even. You know, if I had even half the amount of writing ability as you possess, I’d ask to do a collabo with you, but for now, I’m fine with just being a fan. A huge fan. Oh, and thanks for being so chill and so cool to hang out with in Orlando while everyone was down there for the.. *wait for it*.. 1st Annual LoPForums.com WrestleMania Weekend Wrestling (W)Extravaganza. It was a really fun week, and I certainly look forward to seeing you again in Houston next year for the next round. Keep on churning out those great columns, and I’ll keep on reading them. Check you later, pimpin. Amazing thing is that I wrote that entire long shoutout to myself with myself sitting RIGHT THERE. I even posted it with myself still sitting RIGHT THERE. How unnecessary is that? You’d think that I could’ve just said it to myself instead of posting it for the entire intarwebz to see. I’m just kooky like that, I suppose. Kooky.. now that’s a word that doesn’t get used often enough by people. Take some time and use it in a sentence today, folks. Its Yourz Continuing my trend of posting pictures of my readers who create HIPRN signs for me, allow me to post the following pictures provided by LoP member, FoonZeeS, taken recently at an MCPW indy show in Kalkaska, Michigan. The first picture is FoonZeeS with ECW Original The Sandman, and the second picture is FoonZeeS as Tyler Black wrestles Chris Sabin in the background. Thanks, homie. These pics are off the meat rack.   The Closing That’s another one in the bag, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you all for reading Volume 13 of “Hustle Is Posting Right Now”. Wrestling content? Check. Lack of my personal life? Check. Wiseass Hustle? Check. Well, hot damn, we may have ourselves a winner winner chicken dinner. For those down from the get-down, you know the bizness.. in a mere 14 days, I’ll be back with the 14th edition of HIPRN. Don’t forget now.. 14 days.. same Hustle time, same Hustle page. Until then, I’m out like self-doubt, nah’mean? Be easy, folks. From The Gunshine State, I bid you farewell. Aloha and Mahalo Nui Loa. Life is beautiful. Life is a struggle. Life is a beautiful struggle. Hustle HIPRNFeedback@gmail.com  *NEW GALLERY* The Hardy Boys X-Mas PARTY with TNA/WWE Stars! Must See!!
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