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Submitted by Hustle on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:16 AM EST
 Good lookin out for the graphics work, Noc Enterlude Before I continue the intro for this column, allow me to just say that I’ve missed you all. I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed the main page. With that out of the way.. heeeee’s baaaaackkkkk. It’s me, human crack in the flesh. I’m the last of the best. One word to describe me? Spectacular. Yes! (Senor Brilliant, I see you, homie) Welcome, one and all, to Volume 11 of “Hustle Is Posting Right Now”. Fresh off of moving from the beautiful state of Hawaii to.. the beautiful state of Florida (life is tough, I know), ya boy, Hustle, is back and in full effect once again. Orlando isn’t a bad place at all. Yes, folks.. Orlando.. home to the recently completed WrestleMania 24, which, for those who have been reading HIPRN for a while, know I attended, along with about a dozen or so other members of the LoP family. At the very end of this column, I’ll throw out a bit of my thoughts about the week. They’ll be more of what we all did during the week instead of my thoughts on Mania itself, as there have been approximately 1.6 million “My Thoughts On WrestleMania” columns posted on the internet in the last 2 weeks. So, sit back, strap in, and get ready.. let’s ride. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!! For Reasons Unknown Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Bizarro World. My name is Dawdle, and I’ll be your tour guide during your stay here. Bizarro World is a name that a lot of you have probably heard before, but most people never get to experience what its actually like here. I want to clear up some of the more common misconceptions that people have about this place. We’re as normal as any other place. We have all the premium cable channels, 4 tennis courts, and we even have an Ice Cream Social every month. Anyway, I know what you’re all here for. You’re here for the “Fuck John Cena” section of the tour, aren’t you? I knew it. Everyone that comes here always asks about it, and if I start the tour with anything else, they get upset. Well, without further adieu, I present to you.. “Fuck John Cena”. Personally, I’ve never understood why some people make such a big deal about how hectic Cena’s schedule is. Wow.. he wrestles on Raw every week. Big deal. I mean, he’s a wrestler. He’s supposed to wrestle every week. He goes to visit sick children in hospitals a lot. Whoop-de-freakin-doo. Did anybody ever think its because there’s more sick children in society now than there used to be? For Christ’s sake, there’s ebola now.. there’s mad cow disease, bird flu, gonorrhea, and all kinds of things that children all across America are dealing with. My goodness, it shouldn’t be that difficult to understand, but those Cena fans are as hard-headed as can possibly be. Don’t even get me started on those trips overseas that were all based on lies. He wasn’t visiting the troops for any reason other than research for his role in “The Marine”. Don’t let WWE’s timeline fool you, either. His appearance overseas when he was “injured” was actually taped a long time ago. Why the hell would he willingly volunteer to go over there like that when he wasn’t part of any storylines at the time? It doesn't make any sense, people. It just doesn't make any sense. Know what else doesn’t make any sense? How John Cena can be a user and abuser of every type of steroid on the market, yet still be alive and kicking. Its only obvious that Cena’s on SOMETHING. What makes it even stranger is the fact that I don’t think anybody else in the company is using anything. Did anybody watch the match between Batista and Umaga at WrestleMania 24? Did you see the finish of the match? Batista could barely lift Umaga, and he nearly killed Umaga, as well as himself, hitting the Batista Bomb at the end. That proves Batista is clean, in my opinion. However, if you would’ve replaced Batista with John Cena in that match, Umaga not only would’ve been picked up cleanly, but he may have been thrown clear out of the Citrus Bowl by that ‘roided up freak. I know that people like to talk about John’s degree from Springfield College, and how that knowledge, along with his football playing, helped sculpt the body he currently has. To that, I only have one thing to say.. bollocks! Bollocks, I say! First of all, Springfield College isn’t a D-1 football school, which means they’re not a real university. They probably advertise on the back of cereal boxes. So, not only does that mean Cena was playing on a shitty football team, but his education was shitty, too. Everyone knows that football and basketball bring in money to universities, and in turn, that money goes to bettering the education and facilities at said universities. When was the last time ESPN had North Carolina VS Springfield College on their “Big Monday” college basketball lineup? When was the last time ABC’s college football “Game Of The Week” was Florida VS Springfield College? Exactly. No TV time = no money. No money = shit education. That means Cena’s degree is worth about as much as a half-gallon of gas, and the value of gas is dropping by the hour, it seems. I read a wrestling column on the internet not all that long ago, and the writer was spitting some jibba jabba about how the fans can’t get into Cena’s head, no matter how hard they try. I don’t remember the name of the writer, but he’s obviously an idiot who buys into his own hype too much. Hey dumbfuck, did you ever think that its because Cena is hard of hearing? If he can’t hear the fans booing him, how is he supposed to respond to them booing him? Come on, genius.. answers are needed, and you’re obviously not talented enough of a writer to give those answers. Instead, you abuse whatever power you have in your position to try and poison the heads of impressionable readers with your propaganda. You should just be lucky that I don’t have a column-writing spot at whatever site you work for. I’d hate to have to embarrass you on a regular basis. Shit, you even mentioned the ECW fans and how they were “hostile” towards Cena when he faced Rob Van Dam. You’re a fucking idiot. Old school ECW fans are the single classiest group of fans that pro wrestling has ever seen. They treat the wrestlers with nothing but respect, whether they’re faces or heels, and they don’t do lame things like nitpick when a wrestler botches a move.. or “fucks up”, if you will. After reading that, I should’ve known how much of a talentless hack of a writer you really are. I just wish I could remember your name or what site you write for. It’ll come to me, eventually, I’m sure. Multiple people.. columnists, message board posters, etc.. like to take shots at Charlie Haas, and I don’t quite understand why. Some of them even bother to take shots at Shannon Moore, which is just ridiculous. They say that guys like Haas and Moore aren’t “over”, while people like John Cena are. Silly rabbits. Who cares about being “over”? Don’t these people realize that the total number of moves in a wrestler’s moveset is directly related to how good they are and how deserving they are of world title reigns? Cena has, what, a half-dozen moves? Fuck that. I’ve watched Charlie Haas wrestle. He busts out a half-dozen moves before the opening bell. I mean, isn’t that how it should be? The world champions should be the best wrestlers, and really, who the fuck is a better wrestler than Charlie Haas? I understand Cena has a fanbase that is nothing but children, so why not just give him a colorful mask to wear and have him be a comedy wrestler? I don’t get why that’s such a difficult thing to figure out. Vince McMahon should hire me to be the sole member of the creative team. My ideas far surpass anything they’ve been putting on television in years, and my ideas never seem to run out. Vince, call me. Something else just popped into my head from that idiot columnist’s piece on Cena from a while back. He compared Cena to Michael Jordan. What a dunce. Does that guy realize how many shots Michael Jordan missed during his career?? Does he realize that Michael Jordan isn’t the “single greatest player in basketball history”, and that God Shammgod is? How did this clown even get a job writing wrestling columns?? Wow.. he thinks Cena steps up at WrestleMania every year. Dude, EVERYONE steps up at WrestleMania!! I can’t even think of the last bad match that I’ve seen at a WrestleMania. Where’s the pro-Ashley Massaro column? She was just part of a 5-star match this year, but I don’t see columnists typing out 7000+ words about her and what she does for the company. Blind Cena love, that’s all it is. Those bastards make me sick. I’m sorry to keep going back to that column, but it really got my panties in a bunch. Anyway.. haiku? HAIKU?? Seriously?? Am I supposed to be impressed because someone got OTHER people to contribute haiku to a column, and the author himself couldn’t even do one? That’s lame. I don’t have to sit back while other people do the hard work. I can do my own poetry, thank you very much. You want haiku? I present to you.. haiku.. Best of John Cena DVD would be blank disc That we all can’t see Wear some tights, you fuck Don’t you know this is wrestling? Nude as you can get Less moves than cripples No 450 Lotus Splash? No world title reigns Idiot fanbase Can’t make points to save their lives Not as smart as me I hate you, Cena Cause behind the world’s problems You’re the Antichrist See? I can do haiku, and I can do it better than any Cena fan can do it, that’s for sure. I think I’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty as far as proving my point goes. You’ve read the opinions of someone else, and now you’ve read the facts. Let it be known from here until forever more that John Cena is nothing but a talentless hack who is riding the biggest wave of good fortune this world has seen since OJ Simpson. Take that, John.. I’ve Cena ‘nuff. This concludes the “Fuck John Cena” portion of the tour. Chocolate chip cookies and milk are currently being served in the next room, and the rest of the tour will resume in approximately 20 minutes. Thank you for your time.  All The Pretty Faces The 1st Annual LoPForums.com WrestleMania Weekend Wrestling (W)Extravaganza went pretty well, in my opinion. WrestleMania itself was absolutely amazing. While, wrestling-wise, it wasn’t the greatest event ever, words simply cannot be expressed that would explain just how much of an experience it was to be there live and in person. Folks, if you call yourself even a casual wrestling fan, attending WrestleMania should be at or near the top of your “Things To Do Before I Die” list. I really, truly, and honestly mean that. From the buzz in the air leading up to the opening of the show to literally feeling the heat ffrom the entrances of people like Kane and ESPECIALLY Undertaker.. its worth attending. The Ring Of Honor shows the 2 previous nights before Mania were fun, as well. Friday night’s show was fun.. being in the 3rd row (as smushed together as we were, due to basically being the last people in that section to show up) for my very first live RoH event after watching 70+ shows on DVD.. awesome. Like Mania itself, Friday’s RoH show was, while solid, more memorable for the atmosphere than anything else. Saturday night's show, though, was different altogether. General Admission seats on Saturday, so while not as close to the action as the night before, we had a much better view. Dead center seating. The show itself was breathtaking. I’ve seen more PPV events than I can remember.. WWF, WCW, WWE, ECW, TNA, RoH.. as well as DVDs of cards from Mexico, Japan, and other various places around the globe.. yet, that Saturday night’s RoH show may well be the single best wrestling event I’ve ever seen, from top to bottom. I’m sure most of you will be buying the WrestleMania 24 DVD when it comes out, and I understand that completely. I’ll be doing the same. However, do yourselves a favor and pick up the “Dragon Gate Challenge 2” and “Supercard Of Honor 3” DVDs from RoH when they’re released. Hell, if you’re new to RoH or have never purchased anything from them before, just drop me a line and I’ll gladly answer any questions you may have. I personally didn’t attend the Raw after WrestleMania, although I was part of a small group that watched it live on TV. One of the better overall episodes of Raw in forever, with an ending that I’ll never forget. I obviously didn’t attend the WWE Hall Of Fame ceremony, either, as I was right next door being blown away by “Supercard Of Honor 3”. From first-hand accounts of the LoP members that DID attend the ceremony, though, it was a great night. It was a great weekend to be a wrestling fan all-around. For the non-wrestling parts of the (W)Extravaganza, we all did our thug thizzle in O-Town. There was the typical “tourist” things that got done.. Disney, Universal Studios, shopping, etc. There was the not-so-typical things, such as 2 members of the crew basically going reverse bungee jumping and being shot into the night sky at a rapid speed. Crazy bastards. Piercings and a tattoo were even attained in Orlando. It was a wild week, all in all, but guess what? Next year.. Houston, Texas.. WrestleMania 25.. yeah, you guessed it.. The 2nd Annual LoPForums.com WrestleMania Weekend Wrestling (W)Extravaganza Trust me when I tell you that you want to be there. TRUST ME. Its gonna be fun. Speaking of fun, let’s get into some shout-outs before I check out of here, shall we? Joe Crack (aka CoLd): What’s poppin? Good lookin out on the lodging for the week. That was some wild shit, though. Hearing gay slurs on the news, hearing your phone notification noise go off 2984710019 times a night, and the trips across the overpass. Good times. See you when you come down to Florida for your next vacation, or when we come up to New York.. whichever comes first. Mac: I’m still surprised I was able to understand your accent as well as I did. Come to think of it.. I don’t think there was a single time that I didn’t understand you. Hope you didn’t have any problems smuggling those illegal immigrants home in that bodybag you bought from Wal-Mart. Thanks for everything, by the way. Brainbustahhhhh~! LC: Before heading to Houston, allow me to offer you a piece of advice.. eat a sammich or twelve, will ya, you skinny bastard?!? At least you came out of your shell as the days went on, which is good. As wild and crazy as some of us are, you almost have to try and keep up sometimes, I know. Enjoy your Cena shirt and DVD. See you in Houston. Chip Whitley: You know, here’s to hoping that your trek to Houston works out a lot better than your trek to Orlando did. Maybe we can work on another audio show in Houston, although it would be nice if we all planned it out better than we did this year. Good luck winning a billion dollars in online poker. See you in H-Town. Pen: Well, I’ll be damned.. we got through an entire week without killing each other. Be proud of yourself. I know you couldn’t help yourself from making a few smartass remarks here and there, but hey, neither could I, so who am I to judge? You’d better start picking out your next piercing for Houston. sheepster: Those shoes.. that GatorLand hat.. my goodness, could you have been dressed any spiffier that week? I’m sure you had no idea how to deal with some of our crazy asses (no homo) in the beginning, but it was good to see that you didn’t hate us.. lol. Thanks go out to you, as well, for everything. I’m glad you and your flock had fun in Orlando. Speaking of.. Deryth: Thanks to you, of course, for your role in acquiring the Mania tickets. I’m not gonna lie and make it like we talked to each other on a daily basis or anything, but I really hope we can talk more when you guys head to Houston. Keep an eye on your brother.. make sure he stays out of trouble until then.. lol. Ian: To say that your wit is sharp would be an understatement. Again, I’m not gonna falsify things by saying you and I were best buds all week, but damnit, you’re entertaining, and from the little that we did talk, that’s what matters. See you in Houston, hopefully. Kevin: You may have crossed the line one too many times, and for your own sake, you may wanna stay home next year, or at least seriously change your ways before someone seriously changes your grill. Other folks won’t be as nice as to offer you some suggestions. A wise man once said it.. chiggedy check yourself before you wriggedy wreck yourself. Dan (aka cYnical): You might wanna watch your boy if he comes to Houston. A warning this year would’ve been nice, too, but its a little late for that now. Try to avoid using a GPS to find Houston.. just some advice. Oh, and try to save up more money, or we’re leaving you in Mexico. Billy: Meeting all of us wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be, huh? Admit it. No need to lie now. You know, I’m only gonna say this one more time.. I’m going to kick your ass in Madden, and I think you should save yourself some embarrassment by stopping the shit-talking. Ha. See you today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. Or whenever. Edwin: I hope the memory cards came in handy. I hear that it sounds like you’re beginning to enjoy wrestling more because of WrestleMania. Glad to hear it. Hope to see you in Houston, big man. Lisa: It still boggles my mind that you don’t see it. REALLY boggles my mind. You probably don’t even remember what it is that I’m talking about, and if so, that’s alright. Just remember that I see it. Oh, and don’t worry.. your own special section of this column is coming in the very near future. Also, you’re SO going to Houston with us next year, and that’s that. Michellerbell (aka Pnk): To wrap up this section of the column, we must talk about the person most responsible for me even writing anymore. My Partner In Crime.. my Tag Team Partner.. the only woman who can get grown men jealous over not being named “Queen” of something (and seriously, you Elton John faggots need to take a look in the mirror about that shit).. pnk. Speaking about all that, just keep on brushing the dirt off your shoulders and not letting all that petty bullshit get to you. Thank you, do0d, for every single thing that you’ve done for me, and thank you in advance for every single thing you will do for me in the future. One of those things being our extra special project, which I hope you’re working on. Don’t worry.. I’m brainstorming still. Even though we have our own special project coming up, I really hope you can find the time to also work on a solo project, as well. You didn’t wanna do it to begin with, but you did, and all I can say to that is.. I tooooollllld youuuuu. Your own chance to shine is coming up, whether you believe it or not, and you know damn well what I’m talking about. Thanks again for everything. For believing in me. For being a fan. For being you. I couldn’t express how much I appreciate it, even if I gave you your own column so that I could try. Hmm.. an idea, maybe? Ha. They’d have a shit fit about that, wouldn’t they? Fuck, I might have to give it a shot.. lol. Oh, umm.. good hanging out with you during WrestleMania week, and I look forward to doing the same in Houston next year. One last thing..  Exitlude Well, hot damn, we got through another one, folks. I’ve gotten some feedback from people saying that I talk about myself too much in my columns, or that I try to “put myself over” too much sometimes, so what did I do here? Spent half my column poking fun at myself (sort of), and the other half talking about other people. Thanks to LoP’s own ds69100 for the column idea, even though the final product is a bit different than you originally requested it to be. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be back to my cocky self next time. I just wanted to see if I could do it. I loves me some me, after all. Thanks for riding with me once again. I know I’m about a week late, and I apologize for that, but I should be right back on schedule now. In fact, Volume 12 is already being worked on, and will be going up in 2 weeks, so be on the lookout for it. Until then, however, I’m out like a paper route, nah’mean? Be easy, folks. From The Gunshine State, I bid you farewell. Aloha and Mahalo Nui Loa. Hustle HIPRNFeedback@gmail.com  >>*PLAY NOW*<< Fun, FREE, WWE Online Games! Fight Cena, Kick Hogan, TONS MORE! PLAY NOW!
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