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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 12:21 AM EST
 @#$%^&*?! I've made the Main Page! A little overdue if you ask me but I'll accept it nonetheless. Hello all of my current and future Fruity Followers. This is the Candyman present and I'll be coming to you live from the Main Page here on out. I haven't gotten Calvin's PM yet but I'm sure its just because he's tied up at the moment. In that case, thanks for the call up in advance big Cal! As for all of my fellow Main Pagers, my goal is not to hoard the spotlight or overshadow you in any way. Nope, I'm simply here to add a little color to this dark and dreary place. It feels good to know my consistency and quality column writing has finally paid off after countless years of slaving away in the Columns Forum. Because from now on, you can exp... Random?!? What the hell are you doing here? Random: (shakes head) What an idiot. Skitz, you haven't been promoted to the Main Page! W-what? Random: Don't play stupid with me. You clearly must have misinterpreted something because you're NOT a Main Page columnist. So you can save the victory speech and ass kissing for another time. But you told me I get to write for the Main Page. What gives? Random: Yes, you get to write ONE SINGLE COLUMN. The winner of the CotM voting is given the opportunity to contribute to LOP's Main Page. March was won by you and here we are. ... So I write one column and that's it? Random: Yep. And then its back to the CF cesspool for you, sugar freak. Now get on with it before I delete this sad excuse of a wrestling column. Ugh. Right away your modjesty.  If I hear "leave the memories alone" one more time, I may just resort to some cruel act of violence. The song is decent enough and suited Flair's farewell quite nicely. But Jesus Christ, listen to the words of the fucking song and leave the goddamn memories alone already! We all are aware of the WWE's fondness for ruining a good thing. Like a popular song on the radio, they just play the shit out. I could have sworn Ron Simmons said DAMN on RAW every week for over a year. The Nature Boy's WrestleMania match with HBK and his unforgettable send-off the next night were perfect. However, the E seems hell bent on driving Flair's feel good story right into the ground with repeated clips and highlights of Naitch's last hurray. I'm sure we haven't seen the last of Flair but give the man a break for a little while. He's almost 60 years old. Attend to other needs such as rebuilding the Cruiserweight Division. Ha! That was a joke for any of you who missed it. RAW this past Monday was a dud in my opinion. Granted it was never going to come close to the quality of last weeks show. With the NCAA Men's National Championship game looming in the background, the E guessed no one would be watching wrasslin' during such an auspicious event and presented us with a rather lackluster program. See, things like this irritate me. Just because a big sports event is taking place at the same time on a different channel, you're going to simply admit defeat and throw out a half-ass product because you figured no one will tune in? Well I took two hours of my time to watch RAW and you gave me some shitty ass product to watch. Kudos to Michaels, Jericho and Batista for a tremendous Highlight Reel segment although it could not save this train wreck. Too many short matches and predictable finishes. Its good to see them building for Backlash but they could have gotten far more creative with Cena and H's attempts to earn a title shot. And what's the latest on the Draft Lottery? It hasn't even been mentioned yet on television. Step it up E or I'll send my ex-girlfriend over there to give you all pubic lice. She's just a phone call away. Who did Finlay piss off backstage? If you told me four months ago that Finlay's match at WrestleMania would open the show, I would've bet my car and my wife that your ass was wrong. It all comes back to the E and their unwillingness to keep up with pushes. Back around Survivor Series, Finlay was turned face and received a nice push that he appeared to be building on. But sometime between there and WrestleMania, management decided to take a different direction and Finlay is suffering because of that. Right now the E's got nothing for him in terms of feuds and storylines. Shit, its hard to even tell what show Finlay's on anymore. The attention Hornswoggle gets is irrelevant because his success relies solely on Finlay. Once Vince realized the illegitimate son angle was a bust (only took him 6 months or so), he pulled out and stuck JBL in his place. Bradshaw and Finlay put on a good match at Mania but the build-up took such a sharp and unattractive turn in the weeks leading up to the event that nobody really cared anymore once they arrived in Orlando. Finlay needs to stop babysitting and insert his ass back in the title picture. I've noticed how the recently-acquired Ron Killings has been working dark matches for the three brands lately. As of now, the E still has him using the same gimmick and moveset from TNA (wonder how long that'll last). Killings could fit in easily on RAW or SmackDown but I personally would like to see him start out with the C brand. Perhaps I'm the last person who should be playing booker here, but I would have him lead a heel stable on ECW. Now I didn't care much for the original New Breed faction because they always felt like a bunch of random dudes from the midcard thrown together with no real sense of direction. But what if Killings recruited the likes of Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin? That sounds like some good shit to me. Maybe even turn Kofi Kingston heel and have him join the group although he seems way too over with the crowd to generate any real heat. Or what if Carlito was brought to ECW via the Draft Lottery? He could work well in such a stable. The E, and pro wrestling in general, needs more factions! Take my idea into account Creative Team and perhaps Carlito will still be employed come Christmas.  Who doesn't love a good hand gesture? There's just something about them that warms the insides. Whether it brings a group together in unison or blatantly demoralizes an individual in front of his/her peers, we have certainly seen our fair share of hand gestures in pro wrestling throughout the years. From Hulk Hogan's finger wave (which was stolen by the NBA's Dikembe Mutombo years later) to Batista giving his opponent the dreaded thumbs down, marks can't help but scream like prepubescent females as the adrenaline kicks in. Being the intellectual human beings that we all are, us wrestling fans catch on quickly and don't hesitate to throw up whatever finger distortions or quasi gang signs mirror our favorite superstars. So since hand gestures provide such fun and happy times, I figured we could focus on some of the WWE's most infamous hand gestures and look at them from other perspectives. Do any of them entail any subliminal messages or dirty meanings? And can they be used in environments outside of the wrestling world? Well after hours of extensive research, many of you may be shocked by some of my many discoveries. Quite a few factual tidbits have been brought to my attention and I think its time for me to share them with you and the rest of the IWC.  Ah yes, the rock star hand gesture. You know... the one middle aged women throw up in the air at Bruce Springsteen and Aerosmith concerts. It just so happens that Edge has taken a liking to this hand gesture especially over the last year. And as most of us are fully aware, Ashley Massaro has been using the exact same hand gesture since she first appeared in WWE during the 2005 Diva Search Competition. Initially, I thought there was nothing to it. Given his moniker as the "Ultimate Opportunist", I simply assumed Edge had copied Ashley and would later claim that he should be allowed full access to the hand gesture since Massaro sucked balls in the ring and bore breasts that were entirely too big for her pencil thin body. However, I instantly remembered how Ashley had dated none other than Matt Hardy shortly after she signed with the company. Well, who hasn't read about the bad blood between Edge and Matt? It's well documented that these two share a deep rooted hatred for one another ever since word leaked out that Lita and Edge were having an affair behind Matt's back. The feud would make its way onto television and despite a valiant effort, Matt came up short in their series of matches and apparently the bedroom too. Yet even though Edge sent Matt packing to SmackDown, I questioned just how far Adam Copeland would go to ruin Matt's personal and professional career. After a couple of bribes and phone calls, I can confirm that Edge and Ashley dated during their brief time together on RAW in the spring of '07. So since the two of them wrestle on different shows, they express their secret love through hand gestures. Thats right people. Edge is willing to do everything in his power to keep Matt away from the main event. And he's done a pretty damn good job if you ask me. Just look at the facts. Hardy has been stuck in midcard status since 2004 and still hasn't managed to win a singles title. Coincidence? Not likely. Edge is out to destroy Matt Hardy at all costs and will sleep with whoever necessary to achieve his goal. Don't be surprised either if Jeff starts using the rock star hand gesture when he returns from his suspension in May. I'm serious. Watch for it. RATING:   If you've never shot one of these at your teacher or little sister, chances are you didn't watch wrestling during the mid 90's. I think one of the main reasons this hand gesture has aged well and stood the test of time is because of its effectiveness. When you point your hands down in a V shape and proceed to pelvic thrust towards a specific individual, you're going to get results. Whether its positive or negative, I guarantee some sort of reaction. If the gesture is aimed at say a senior citizen, the old bag of bones will most likely seek revenge by scolding you or contactin the authorities posthaste. However, a teenager or young male adult will probably return the favor. How many times' is anyone's guess. I would advise you not to direct this gesture at a female as it may lead to a sore cheekbone or a swift kick to your lower regions. And in most cases, its better if you execute the maneuver from a distance for your own safety. It all depends on the size of the recipient really. If we're talking about a chubby little kid, then I see no danger in saluting him or her within a ten foot radius. But if the individual happens to be active and in tip-top shape, performing the gesture from a football field's length is the best way to go. RATING:   The only man in the company cool enough to have TWO hand gestures. Former multi time WWE Champion, John Cena! Hey (points out to the crowd) you there in the front row. Stop booing... I haven't even said anything yet. Don't make me come down there. (clears throat) As I was saying, Cena owns a pair of hand gestures and has been using them ever since he adopted the white rapper gimmick in 2003. Much like his moveset, the meanings behind Cena's hand gestures are pretty cut and dry. The "you can't see me" wave serves as somewhat of a message. After chatting withe a few of John's close personal friends (which I had to pay for the little bit of dirt they gave me), yours truly was able to decipher what exactly the gesture stood for. And to be quite honest, I felt kind of stupid for not figuring it out sooner. See when Cena extends out his hand and waves it in front of his face, he's warning his opponent that their about to fall victim to the infamous 5 moves of doom. The waving motion is to suggest they should haul ass out of there before he adds them to the long LONG list of superstars he has defeated. And that's basically it. Hopefully, you weren't waiting for a more elaborate explanation. Oh, your wondering about the "word life" hand gesture? Well contrary to popular belief, Cena is pretty cocky in real life and truly believes he is better and more talented than Stone Cold Steve Austin ever was. As a show of disrespect, Cena uses the "word life" hand sign to mock the beer drinking gesture Austin used during the Attitude Era. Don't buy it? You should... I have my sources (whether their reliable or not is another story). RATING:   Arguably the nicest pair of boobs on the entire WWE roster, Big Daddy V is well known for his surprising quickness and overwhelming flubbage. He probably doesn't smell too dandy either. But one of the things that's most recognizable about Viscera is his trademark hand gesture. And what an interesting one it is. Someone could easily interpret Viscera's gesture in a number of different ways. He could simply be reminding all of us who struggle with spelling what letter his name begins with. Or maybe, and this is just a guess, Vis is trying to inform us of his secret passion for Sesame Street. I mean is it so crazy to assume that V would be his favorite letter of the alphabet? Tell me you couldn't picture Vis in his Worlds Largest Love Machine pajamas sitting on a couch in some fancy hotel singing along with the likes of Big Bird and Cookie Monster. I wouldn't consider that a stretch but hey... my line of thinking is pretty fucked up to begin with. Unfortunately, Big Daddy V's hand gesture has a downside to it. A female could mistake it as a hint that Vis would like to perform oral sex on her. Not only does that mental image haunt my mind but the lady could charge him with sexual harassment and the WWE really doesn't need any more bad press. Not to mention Big Titty V often does the gesture with both hands so that's two potential lawsuits right there. Perhaps Vis should make a few slight modifications to his controversial hand gesture so to not offend or insult anyone else. However, I'm not about to tell a 500-pound black man what he can and cannot do so we'll just have to wait and see how this one unfolds. RATING:   Listen people, I tried to dig up some dirt on Van Dam and his "look at me" hand gesture but there's nothing to it. Days and weeks of searching has gotten me nowhere. Unlike the other individuals highlighted throughout this column, there is no outlandish meaning or cryptic clues behind this gesture. It is merely Spot Monkey Rob reminding us every seventeen seconds who he is and how to correctly pronounce his name. We understood you perfectly well in 2001 jackass. And don't bother showing off your lame hand gesture to your old ECW buddies because 85% of them are probably dead from drug overdose and sexually transmitted diseases. What a self-obsessed cocksucker this guy turned out to be. Therefore, RVD's hand gesture gets a rating comparative to his lone WWE title reign... RATING:   The legendary Stone Cold Steve Austin has an infamous hand gesture that I'm sure we have all used at least a couple dozen times during our lives. Who knew one measly finger could say so much? And its so easy to perform. You just clench your fist, extend out your middle finger and you can tell someone exactly how you feel without even opening up your mouth. Non-verbal communication is the name of the game here. Astounding isn't it? And the middle finger is universal although I'm not sure if it's used as much in other countries as it is here in the United States. I suppose I could ask my legions of foreign friends to help me out with that one. If anyone outside of the USA could respond to my question, please do so in the Answer This, Foreigner! thread located under the FFA Forum. It would be much appreciated. Now then, I think its safe to say that we have grown familiar with the middle finger over the years. Not just on WWE programming but in all walks of life. Its seen almost everywhere. Individuals who suffer from road rage are very comfortable with flipping off other drivers. If some kid at school is annoying the fuck out of you, send a middle finger his way. I bet he'll get the message loud and clear. If you're stressed at work and can't stand your boss, do what the Texas Rattlesnake would do and salute him with the longest finger on your hand. But do it discreetly unless you really want to get fired. The hand gesture can be used in practically any environment. In your bedroom, your girlfriend's bedroom (*wink wink*), your parents bedroom (now that disgusting), the subway station, the movie theater, the library, at hospitals, theme parks, cemeteries, museums, restaurants and even an old folks home if the elderly piss you off. Why does Austin use this hand gesture? What's his motivation? To brainwash the youth of America. Yes, you heard me right. After a few words with the currently unemployed Sandman (who chatted frequently with Stone Cold backstage when he joined the company in '06), I found out that the Bionic Redneck wants kids to see him as a role model. What a sick twisted bastard. Well, thats what I thought initially anyway. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. All I had to do was reflect upon myself. I drink way too much alcohol for my own good, curse rather frequently and get sudden urges to beat people up for no reason whatsoever! Looks like I'm just another victim of the Austin Attitude Era Influence. Lets move on to something a little less depressing. RATING:   We get a package deal with the Hardys. Both brothers sport cool futuristic-like hand gestures that little children love to mimic. Matt has "Version 1" while Jeff uses his.... ummmmmmm... "pointed up towards the sky gun shaped" hand gesture. The thing about the Hardys is that they take their hand gestures very seriously. To gang sign proportions even. You see, Matt and Jeff's hand gestures are their sole identities. We're talking like voodoo freaky shit. For if one brother was to use the other's hand gesture, death would immediately follow. There's this urban myth among professional wrestlers and I just happen to know some people who know some other people who were willing to give me the inside scoop for a small fee. Story has it that the Hardys are in fact the greatest wrestlers to have ever lived. From what I've been told, the joining of Matt and Jeff's hand gestures gives them both wrestling immortality and would allow the duo to reign supreme over their respective brands as World Champions for the remainder of time. The only gripe I have with this is if such an urban legend were true, what the hell are the Hardys waiting for?!?! Bah, I want my fifteen bucks back. While Jeff's hand gesture signifies nothing other than his crazy ass imagination, Matt's has uses outside the context of wrestling. Take this for example. If he were dining out at a restaurant, Matt could use his hand gesture to alert the waiter that he'd like a table for two and a half people. Or if Hardy ever started a family, it could stand for two adults and a child. Although I'm not sure how that could happen since every time Matt turns around, Edge is fucking his bitch (see Hardy's biography Betrayed by a Bunch of Bastards for more details). RATING:  Surprisingly, we are not finished just yet ladies and gentleman. While I've been rating each hand gesture as we've gone along, not one of them has received the perfect rating. What exactly is the perfect rating you ask? Just put two and two together (look at my user name moron). There is indeed one hand gesture that is a step above the rest. The cream of the crop if you will. I commend its owner for pulling it off with such ease and precision whenever he has seen fit. This man holds an all time record of 1-0 inside the squared circle with that sole victory coming against none other than John Cena. His 3-month tenure with the company was short lived but he definitely made his presence felt during that time period. He's made appearances in a number of hit tv shows such as CSI and... actually thats the only one can think of. He shares two beautiful children with that crazy psycho white bitch pop star that we all know and love. The man. The myth. The legend. I give you...  Bet you didn't see that one coming. Thats right folks. K-Fed pulls off the peace sign with such utter fluency that I'd have to be crazy not to award his hand gesture with the perfect rating. While it may lack originality and has been passed down for generations, he just makes it work and does so without much effort at all. I don't think any of us need to do any detective work to find out the hidden message behind this hand gesture. It goes a little something like this: "Ha! Yeah, that's right you crazy ho! I got custody of the kids and I got the mon.... ok so maybe I'm still broke after all those years of mooching off of you. But just wait Britney... my rap career is going to take off and I'm going to be a hundred times more successful than you ever were! Word to your mother." Oh celebrities. They crack me up. You know I'm starting to feel like this rating is being given strictly out of sympathy on my part. RATING:  Yep, I was right. Damn you Federline. Thanks for ruining the credibility of my rating system. I owe you one, slut.  So get this people. For the past four of five years, I had gone to the same dentist every single visit and everything seemed just dandy. I would go in there twice a year, he would clean my teeth, bloody my gums a bit, tell me to keep up the good work and send me out the door with a feminine colored toothbrush that my sister would always ridicule me for. No cavities, tooth decay, nothing. All was right with the world. Well recently I switched to my wife's dentist and she's an Asian chick. You know how methodical those bitches can be. It didn't take her but 40 seconds to find eight separate things wrong with my fucking teeth. Four of five cavities, decaying in my back teeth for not flossing enough, decalcification and an overbite going on all at once. Now I have to return on the 20th of April because she didn't have time to fix all the fucking imperfections within my mouth. My old dentist deserves a straight kick to the testicles. Shows how much his fat white ass knew or cared about my teeth. I would like nothing better than to stop by his office and shove a couple of those diplomas up his anal cavity. Glass shards included. On another happy note, I was recently fired and rehired in the matter of 48 hours. I work at a warehouse that stocks CDs, t-shirts, jerseys, shoes, jewelry, etc. so it shouldn't come as a surprise that employees have been caught stealing in the past. Well my normal shift is eight and a half hours long (with the 30 minutes being my lunch break). Lately, I had been skipping my break and just leaving work a half hour earlier. Nothing wrong there, right? I'm not doing anything dirty. Apparently, my supervisor thought differently and called me in last Tuesday night to inform me that my assignment was being terminated. Then right when I gave him that WTF expression, he accused me of stealing because I had been leaving work early. Didn't even get a chance to explain myself. So I begin looking for a new job two days later when my temp agency calls me and tells me that they want me back. My first instinct was to tell them to blow me but once they said my supervisor was in trouble for firing me without any evidence, you best believe I was back to work the very next day! Now the guy avoids eye contact with me and stays as far away as possible at all times. Yes, the little victories in life are definitely the sweetest. I was hoping my Phoenix Suns would be able to finish the season off strongly and overtake the Lakers to win yet another Pacific Division Title. However, it is becoming more and more evident that it just isn't happening this year. Don't get me wrong, the Suns have had a great season. 52 wins and 26 losses is nothing to scoff at although I can't help but think what could have been if they hadn't fucked up this past Sunday when they literally handed the Mavericks a win. Steve Nash & Crew led predominantly the entire game but hit a serious drought late in the game and was outscored 27-9 in the final quarter. Dirk was huge down the stretch and the Suns had no answer. They beat the Grizzlies last night but that's a team they should run over every time out. Phoenix is an extremely talented team and they can run with the best of them but I wonder just how far their defense will allow them to advance in the playoffs. Not very far is my guess. The Conference Finals appears to be a stretch given the strength of the Western Conference this season. I'd like nothing better than to see the Suns prove me wrong however their very good at screwing up when it matters most so I'm bracing myself for the absolute worst. Alright, I'm ending this nonsense right here. Thanks again everyone who made the mistake of voting my lame ass column for CotM. It means alot to me personally that readers give a shit what I think and I promise not to let any of you guys down. I should be back pretty soon with something new so keep an eye out as always. Right now I'm aiming for the end of next week but it ain't like its written in stone or anything. Hopefully you enjoyed what I brought to the table this time around and if you like what you read, check out my other stuff located in the LOP Columns Forums. Take it from me people... the CF is where it's at. You can find some of this website's most influential and creative columns in there. The place is chock full of amazing writers so do me a favor and glance over their work. Got it? Good. If you have something bad to say about my column (or good for that matter), email me at Skittlez601028@aim.com. Remember to Taste My Rainbow next time it comes to a forum near you. Keep the alcohol consumption to a respectable level and I'll see you all next time. Later homies. ***DIRECT LINK*** Vince & Stephanie McMahon Playing with the NEW BABY!!
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