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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Saturday, April 5, 2008 at 3:26 AM EST
Magnum Opus Need the end to set me free” Welcome back to the column that‘s stealing a page from Ric Flair‘s playbook, The Nosebleed Section. I am your host, The One Called Random. And I am here to say “Goodbye.” After one-hundred columns for Lords of Pain I’m hanging up my keyboard and riding off into the sunset upon the conclusion of this, my centennial column. At the moment I still intend to hang around in a smaller capacity. I’m going to continue as a moderator for Lop Forums (sorry P) and posting Column of the Month on the main page. I’d like to see if I can’t get Fact or Fiction going on a more consistent basis as well, but it’s time I take a break from all of the solo stuff. I’ve been writing “The Nosebleed Section” for 4 ½ years and I’ve loved every minute of it. The truth is though, as evidenced by my performance over the last several months, and regrettably perhaps over the last year plus, my interest in writing about wrestling has quite simply waned to unacceptable levels. To be perfectly blunt, I’m just not sure I have anything left to say. For that reason, I guess I’ll go ahead and announce here, that Monday Night Countdown is also coming to an end. I have a litany of things to say with regards to that show, but I think those things would best be saved for the final episode of MNC which Morph and I have already begun plans to record. I promise you, we’re going to go out with what Morph described as a “blaze of glory” so you’ll have to be on the lookout for that. Unlike many of the columnists who have come and gone around here over the years, I can’t say that I just don’t enjoy watching professional wrestling anymore. I haven’t “outgrown it” as many have suggested, and at the urging of another columnist that’s a topic I’ll address later in the column. Rather, I’ve simply lost the motivation to continue writing on any sort of consistent basis at a high level (if I ever in fact did that in the first place). When I was first brought up to the Lop Main Page I promised myself that I wouldn’t become one of “those columnists”. I didn’t want to be like many of the columnists on the internet, and even a few that were writing for this site, that I hated. I didn’t want to sound bitter, bitch about how “the bussiness just isn’t what it was” or become so glaringly absent that I seemed disinterested. There are a number of talented columnists in the Columns Forum who are awaiting their opportunity and contrary to popular opinion I haven’t forgotten what it’s like to be one of them. I won’t sit around here and hold down a spot simply because I’m too attached to my column or in love with the ego boost it gives me to walk away. Yet, as I type this, I see myself becoming “that” columnist. Disinterested in wrestling (to an extent) and certainly disinterested in writing about it anymore. Holding down a spot that would be better served in the hands of someone else. Too afraid to move on. That sounds stupid, I know, and hopefully I can explain it later. In many ways “The Nosebleed Section” and “Monday Night Countdown” have felt more like work than play for a long, long time. I always enjoy writing/recording them, but it’s very frustrating trying to come up with material or time to do so. As I said, I still enjoy watching professional wrestling, more than many columnists can say at end of their tenure, but I think I’ve just lost the “passion” for it that I once had. I like it a lot, but I don’t love it anymore. I know this has been a sort of downer for a column opening and I do apologize for that. Likewise I apologize if comes of at all as an egocentric piece though that’s probably an unavoidable sort of tone for me to take in this situation. I’ll be honest, this is a really surreal introduction for me. I don’t want to make something out to be a bigger deal than it is because it’s not like writing one-hundred of these things is somehow curing cancer or some other such grand accomplishment. On the contrary, I happen to be of the belief that quite literally anybody who can put sentences together and has half a personality and a passion for wrestling is more than capable of “accomplishing” what I have if it’s in fact any accomplishment at all. The fact is any sense of accomplishment I feel is completely internal so I wouldn’t expect anybody else to understand it. As I said, it ain’t much when compared to the grand scheme of life but it’s meant a lot to me over the years, still does, and I’d wager always will. If I keep going on in this manner, I’ll just end up spoiling material I intend to use later in the column so that’d be a waste and I’d rather just get started with the festivities. Bare in mind I don’t mean to seem as if I’m “celebrating” myself at all. That would be borderline idiotic. Moreso, I’m just reflecting on years of passionate fandom and celebrating that. I hope it’s a celebration you can join me in. I have a number of topics I’d like to discuss today including some of my favorite columns, my own personal story of life as a wrestling fan, a sort of final synopsis of my opinions with regards to the world of contemporary sports-entertainment, and last but not least a plethora of people to thank and pay tribute to. I hope you enjoy it. Wrestlemania 24 Thoughts… I’d be hugely remiss if I didn’t donate a portion of my final column to recent wrestling events. I have a lot more to say about the bussiness as a whole later, but for now, I’d like to warm up with some thoughts from last night’s Wrestlemania Pay-Per-View. --JBL vs. Finlay came off as much more “filler” than I anticipated it being. I was very disappointed with that match and especially the ending. JBL bouncing the trash can off Hornswoggle at ringside was pretty amusing though. Something about midgets getting beat up that’s always good for one-off laugh. Except when that becomes the focal point of a year long storyline. Wait a minute…….shit…… --Goddamn if those Money in the Bank matches aren’t the spottiest thing this side of TNA. But they are damn entertaining spotfests, that’s for sure. Once Jeff Hardy was suspended you knew the title of “Most Likely to Kill Himself” had to fall on Shelton Benjamen and he did his damndest to try. Punk winning was a bit of a swerve, guess we’ve all been being fed a steady diet of bull-shit from the WWE with regards to his being “in the doghouse” and all. It’ll really, really piss me off if he uses that thing on the ECW title. It won’t validate the ECW title in anyway at all and will do nothing to elevate the show, it’ll just waste a golden opportunity for Punk that should have been given to somebody else if that was the plan. At first glance Punk seems way beneath this opportunity to me, I thought it should have went to Kennedy or MVP once Hardy was out of the picture, but I remind myself that the briefcase had an amazing impact on the career of Edge (twice!) and RVD, so maybe this is exactly what Punk needs to elevate to the next level. I still don’t see him as marketable enough to be a champion, but hopefully I can be proven wrong. The guy’s got some skills. --The Diva segments were useless, as per Wrestlemania tradition. They’re a number of Diva’s in the company that can actually wrestle, shame they don’t let them on the grandest state of them all. A well built Melina vs. Glamazon vs. Mickie James match would have been so much better. Shit, you still could’ve had Maria do something to cash in on the Playboy hype. Snoop was funny though, as was Foley. “Have a nice Dizzle!” --Big Show vs. Mayweather was actually very well done. It came off well given that it was 100% Circus act. Of course, I thought it was total bull shit to have Mayweather go over, but I should’ve saw that coming. --Batista vs. Umaga sucked. Hard. And I thought the power bomb at the end was going to kill both of them. --Flair vs. HBK was for Match of the Night in my opinion. I thought the match was very, very well done. I could have used some more “false finishes” that made me wonder if Flair would actually pull it off, but it was still a great match and a simply phenomenal ending. That has to be one of the classic endings in wrestling history. Couldn’t have been done better in my opinion, and I’m proud to say I was dead-wrong, HBK was the right person to retire Flair. Great stuff. --I can’t believe Orton won. That might have been “Swerve of the Night”. Heels go over so rarely at Mania that I just didn’t see that coming. I’ve gotta admit, the mark in me wasn’t entirely happy with that and it had my dad screaming about what a “bull-shit show this has been” which was amusing at least. It does make me wonder what the plan is going into Raw tonight, so I’ll have to make it a point to tune in to find out. --Damn if the whole “Undertaker winning the belt at Mania” thing didn’t look familiar. Where have I seen that before? Oh yeah, last year…. Still, it was a good match that was fun to watch though the outcome was a guarantee once it was made the last match on the card. I like that finishing move but I’m appalled that he won the title AT MANIA with it. I wonder how many years Taker has left? I’m also legitimately wondering now if that streak will ever end? I don’t know, and I’m not even sure how I feel about it to be honest. --As per usual, a pretty entertaining show overall. A lot of that might have to do with “The Magnitude of Mania” since it carries with it a certain connotation that no other PPV does. An average PPV is much better with the Wrestlemania hype wrapped around it, so an above average show elevates instantly to “great”. As usual, I enjoyed it as did everybody I watched it with. Random‘s Top Ten Favorite Columns I’m overly reflective by nature, so whenever I experience any sort of milestone in my life I always find myself looking back on how I got there. Every column I’ve ever written was fun to write and meant something to me, but these ten are the ones that stand out in my mind the most over the years. Fair warning, the ones that were originally posted in LopForums are reposted at the Monday Night Countdown site and they‘re experiencing some mild formatting issues, but they still work and are readable. 10) # 86: Parental Advisory: Heavy Adult Content I have been craving an adult-oriented wrestling program for my whole tenure as a wrestling fan. When I seen the first ECW: One Night Stand it really made me yearn for it that much more and I became obsessed with the idea. This column was my attempt to outline why I think this would be such a great idea and so damn entertaining. It also kicks around a theory I’ve believed in for a while. Wrestling’s “cycles” are really the the result of the same generation of wrestling fans who started as Hulkamaniacs, were teenagers during the Attitude Era, and are now just looking for something more “adult” to bring them scurrying back to the WWE. 9) Special Edition: Mick Foley Hit On My Girlfriend After an awesome encounter in which I met Mick Foley twice in one day including giving him a little tour around my college campus, I was feeling like such a stupid Fanboy I had to scamper home and write down every account before I forgot something. This is what came out and it’s still a lot of fun for me to go back and read. 8) # 26: Chant for a Legend This column will always hold a special place in my heart because I consider it to be the best column in the month I won Column of the Month which was something of a goal of mine when I started writing. It also represents a change in tone from what I’d been using primarily during the early stages of my column writing tenure, to a more serious tone attempting to inspire people. I don’t know if I did all that, but I did win COTM with it, though looking back on it now I can’t quite figure out how. God did I ever suck back then. 7) # 61: Kill All the Dinosaurs! My first column as a main page columnist so it’ll always hold a special place. I wanted to make a splash so I talked about killing the old guard of wrestling. The old bitter fans, the old bitter wrestlers, and anybody else who wasn’t interested in improving and enjoying the future. It was a lot of fun to write and still has a lot more energy in it. 6) # 17: Random Goes Heel What a piece of shit. Seriously. Looking back on it, it wasn’t much of a column at all and is three-four pages shorter than my columns over the last couple years, not to mention that the entire thing essentially flamed or flame baited the entire forum. I probably should have been banned for it, at least temporarily. Still, it was largely responsible for an explosion in my own popularity and it was a lot of fun to write. Be sure to highlight the whole column as you read so you can see all the black text designed to give away the joke, that almost nobody got. 5) # 93: Go To Hell Benoit The Chris Benoit Family Tragedy was arguably the toughest thing I ever had to write about it, but it was so emotional even for a fan that I simply couldn’t not write about it. I received closed to fifty emails regarding this column, many spitting venom for my sentiments expressed but many more in agreement with my thoughts. It was a really intense week, and this column reflects that. 4) # 56: The Higher Power Easily the most research I ever put into a column, it’s basically a history column about Vince McMahon. Instead of taking the usual approach however, I theorize that Vince himself is a God and explain why in detail. I would like to point out that this is roughly two years before he declared McMahonism on National television and challenged HBK and God to a match at Backlash. For a long time I considered this my best work and probably still consider it the best piece I ever did while still a member of the forums. 3)# 65: Racism in Wrestling When a prominent columnist whom I respect greatly called this “the greatest racism/wrestling piece ever written” I was floored. I put an immense amount of time and energy into this column and since the topic seems to cycle up in wrestling once every three-four years, I consider this a timeless piece that I’m very proud of. Coincidentally, I later took on another hot topic social issue in # 73: This Column’s Gay though I don’t think that column is as powerful or as necessary as the racism one. 2) # 41: Writer’s Re-Born The single most fun column I’ve ever written. There is A LOT going on in this column and it took me a long time to write because of all the underlying themes and hidden jokes. Flip-flopping back and forth between a skit featuring many forum regulars and an actual column, it applauds the writing of the WWE creative team while indicting LOP management and mocking some guy named “Ayagollah”. Great times. 1) # 69: Viva La Raza I hope nobody feels like I’m taking an easy way out with this one by choosing this as my favorite column. Honestly, it was just a stream of conscienciousness sort of thing reflecting on Eddie’s tragic death less than a week after it had happened. The wrestling world stood still that week like I’ve never seen it, including the Benoit Tragedy. The entire event was surreal. I’m very proud of the way this column came off and it defiantly helped med process the feelings I had going on at the time. Wrestling, Obsession and the Dance of Depression At some point nearly all of my favorite columnists have done one (or several) “personal” columns that relate something wrestling related to some emotional incident in their lives. Many, many people do not care for these types of columns. Some people do. I haven’t attempted this sort of thing very often in my career but for Act I of my “Magnum Opus” I feel the need to. I hope you enjoy this…I’m not entirely sure where this is going to go… I promised myself some time ago that I wouldn’t retire without doing my best to tell this story. I wager that it will come off as largely immaterial and the majority of readers will skim through it until they see something else about wrestling and then they’ll continue reading the column. I know from experience however, per a column Ayatollah wrote as a COTM submission several years ago, that sometimes the most heartfelt personal stories that are only loosely based around wrestling make the best columns. 90% of my readers won’t give a damn about the following piece. If a mere 10% however are moved by the tail I’m about to tell in anyway, then I guess it was all worth it. I always thought it would be awesome if I could end my writing/recording tenure by revealing some mind blowing, personal fact about myself. “I have cancer.” “I’m confined to a wheelchair.” “I’m dying.” “I was suicidal but wrestling saved my life.” “I actually work backstage for the WWE as a roadie..” “I write with only one hand because I lost the other in a fly fishing accident.” “I’m schizophrenic and I see purple spiders crawling over everything.” “My real name is Damien Demento.” Unfortunately for my big finale “personal” column here I’m lacking any of the flair that one of those such announcements would have. Nothing I could tell you would make that kind of splash, earn me sympathy, or somehow let you into my life at all. To be honest, even if I had such a story to tell you, it wouldn’t carry all that much weight anyway I’d wager because they’ve all been done before. And done well, mind you. My little tale here isn’t nearly as impact full I fear. But it is mine, and I wager it’ll mean a lot more to me than it will to you. Oh well, that’s enough anti-intro for now I suppose…. * * * * * * * * * * * * Editorial Note: Due to the extraordinary length of this piece and some concerns over its relevance on Lop’s Main Page, I have decided to post it HERE in the Columns Forum of Lopforums.com. I do apologize up front for the epic length but I would greatly appreciate it if many of you, my beloved main page audience, would take the time to click the link and read it when you have time. Thanks, and sorry for the inconvenience. Click Here to read Wrestling, Obsession and the Dance of Depression Don’t make me beg fuckers. It’s one extra click. Quit your bitchin, or at least save all your whining and crying for complaints about how it’s too fucking long. But for the love of God, don’t bitch about one extra click lest God kill another kitten. Respice, Adspice, Prospice My God I love professional wrestling. I really do. Shit, I find it hard as I type this to believe I’m retiring simply because I still enjoy watching the product. It will always have the ability to “wow” me like no other entertainment genre can. I watched Wrestlemania with a couple friends, my dad and my brother last Sunday and had several moments where we were all screaming at the television, on the edge of our seat, or just sitting around discussing what we were watching. It was awesome. Then, I watched Raw on Monday and although I felt like it was a fairly lackluster show I was on the verge of tears during the main event of the show-moved by the emotion of Ric Flair’s retirement ceremony. Hell, I don’t even consider myself a Ric Flair fan. I haven’t been a serious enough wrestling fan long enough to have seen his best work or truly appreciate his contributions to the bussiness. But that was awesome and if I didn’t love Ric Flair before, I surely do now. I grew up a Hulkamaniac. I can remember being very young, sitting on my dad’s lap watching Tarzan on Sunday afternoons, pro-wrestling and if I was lucky a Cardinal game. I was a diehard Hulkamaniac, had a crush on Miss Elizabeth and loved the Bushwackers and The Ultimate Warrior. I don’t think I knew what WCW was, and when I was eleven, my family moved out to the sticks in the middle of nowhere and I went without cable or satellite television until I was eighteen. No more wrestling. I did my best to continue following it and was always entertained by whatever flickering glimpses I could see or hear about. I loved what I was able to follow by watching on a rare occasion at my cousins house. Sad as it is, I was largely on the outside looking in of the Attitude Era. That is, until my local WB affiliate began airing Smackdown on Saturday afternoons. I came home from my crappy high school manual labor job exhausted and plopped down on the couch channel flipping, through all five channels or whatever. I ran into a promo by Chris Jericho screaming about all the Jerichoholics and telling people to “Shut….THE HELL….UP!” and it was over, I was hooked again. I remember vividly the build for Wrestlemania X7. Triple H bitching about climbing to the top of the mountain and still being passed over only to have The Undertaker come out (who was nothing like I remember…) and tell him that for the last ten years he’d been burying people “underneath the damn mountain.” Then, The Rock and Austin went into their program and I was a born again wrestling fan. I spent the next several years watching absolutely everything I could, both old and new and even made it a point to go back and watch a ton of old footage. I watched Raw religiously and somehow became a die-hard fan during the horrid Invasion storyline. Until late last year, I never even considered life without wrestling. I have learned a lot in my time as a wrestling fan. I’m not an “industry insider” and don’t even think I’d want to be given the opportunity. I’ve never spoken with any such people and too my knowledge none have ever read my column or listened to my show, though I know thousands of others have. Like many of them, I’m just a working professional with a passion for sports-entertainment. And these are the conclusions I’ve drawn throughout my limited time as a born again wrestling fan. First and foremost, the wrestling industry IS NOT dying. Yes, I know the flagship of the WWE (and perhaps the wrestling industry) Monday Night Raw’s ratings are way down. In fact, when compared to the “Attitude Era” days they look practically anemic. I know that the fan following developed by rival promotions in TNA pales in comparison to the ratings/fan following that WCW had, and I know that in terms of dollars, cents and ratings ROH is no ECW. The accepted theory is that the wrestling bussiness is cyclical and I suppose that’s a very sound theory. Another possibility, as I proposed in the Parental Advisory column linked at the top of this column, is that the wrestling industry has been relying on the same generation of fans for years. The same ones that were made during Hulkamania left for a while, came back when they got older and fell in love with Stone Cold, and are now just waiting for a reason to come back again. Wrestlemania still breaks its own PPV buy record year after year and it sure as hell isn’t because they’re doing anything that radical that doesn’t happen the rest of the year. It’s because the “Magnitude of Mania” still gets all us wrestling fans together under one PPV roof for one night. Spike TV would not be giving additional hours of programming to TNA if the “industry is dying” like so many claim. WWE would not have expanded into three shows if the “industry is dying”. YOU may not enjoy the product as much as you once did, but there has been professional wrestling in this world for nearly a hundred years, and it has been a mainstay on television and in pop-culture for a quarter of that century. Barring a truly cataclysmic event, there will always be sports-entertainment and grown men pretending to fight. Honestly though, what could be cataclysmic enough to destroy the industry? In lieu of the monstrous steroid scandals that rocked wrestling in the early nineties and all the horrid steroid controversy last summer and in recent years, I can’t imagine it getting much worse than that short of finding out that the WWE was actually handing out HGH to performers in FCW with a “How To” video. Even then, that might be enough to cripple the WWE, but it would be awfully difficult to topple the industry even if “pro-wrestling” is synonymous with WWE. TNA might fall by proxy, which is a ridiculous leap in my opinion to think the scandal of one company would cripple the other but it’s possible, but even then I doubt very seriously that the fans of AAA in Mexico of New Japan would really care about an American steroid controversy. The industry would survive a serious drug scandal, if it’s even possible to have one more serious than they’ve experienced already. So what’s the worse that can happen? Years of drug abuse and the wear and tear of the industry cause a popular wrestler in the largest promotion to go insane, kill his wife and son before taking his own life? Oops. Too late. And the industry survived that too. The tragedies of Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit hurt the bussiness but not to Armageddon levels. Short of something truly horrific occurring involving Triple H or John Cena, I just can’t even imagine a situation in which a grotesque even would lead to industry collapse, and even then you’re once again talking about one company in one country. The show will go on. Which leads me combing through my warped mind trying to come up with something significant enough to prove all the doomsday predictors correct. Vince McMahon’s death? He’s getting up there in years and one has to wonder how many more years Vince will continue to run the company. Still, say all you want about Triple H but he appears to be a loyal member of the McMahon family now, he’s a wrestling history buff, and along with Stephanie and Shane, I think the WWE would live on. In fact they may even prosper. Vince has been stuck on the same ideas for a long, long time. When he took control of his father’s company, he was the young one with all the radical ideas and the industry took off like never imagined. Maybe Shane, Hunter and Stephanie are sitting on ideas of their own? Just waiting on Vince and his love for cheesy, slapstick toilet humor to step aside. It pains us to admit it sometimes, but wrestling has always been a kids game, entertainment catered to pre-pubescent boys with just enough variety to keep the rest of us interested. Maybe in lieu of Vince stepping down or tragically dying somebody would be bold enough to try and tap back into the fan base Hogan created and Austin brought back. The same fan base that orders Mania with their friends but has quit watching wrestling beyond that. An adult oriented wrestling program on premium cable….it’s a goldmine Steph. Make it happen. Maybe too, under new management the WWE could somehow find a way to lead the industry to something besides negative press as the laughing stock of mainstream media. I’m sick of being ashamed of liking wrestling, but I doubt very seriously that will ever change. Still, it’s wishful thinking, but if the right set of circumstances fell into place, professional wrestling could once again be at least accepted socially if never fully embraced. And I think it could do it without having to be wholesome and family friendly. Plenty of TV shows from “24” to “House” to “Prison Break” and “The Sopranos” have become icons in this country without needing to tell kids to take their vitamins and say their prayers. They key is in the way they portray themselves. So many old-school wrestlers believe the death of kayfabe is what is hurting the bussiness. Sorry Bruno, but more people are watching Cade and Murdoch wrestle on a weekly basis then ever watched you on a regular basis. I can’t help but feel like if the WWE somehow embraced the idea of being more “show” and tried a little harder to not appear real, they’d not be as universally shunned. They’re actors, acting for the sake of entertainment. Stop denying it. Embrace it. Maybe then the rest of the world will embrace your art from instead laughing at how “fake” it is because it’s still trying to look real. Just as I think the industry needs to get more aggressive in it’s content and more embracing of outside attention, I’d love to see them embrace some old-school booking techniques. (Look away TNA!) Tag-team wrestling is essentially dead, and that’s a damn shame because it can offer an awesome alternative to normal wrestling and when not booked strictly as a comedy farce where the tag champions routinely lose to one man, Tag Team wrestling is a great accent to a program. I feel much the same way about stables (LOOK AWAY TNA!) A great wrestling stable can make every show a “can’t miss” episode as we wait to see what they’re going to do next. The idea of the face stable is essentially dead, unless it’s a hodge podge of singles wrestlers who come together to take on a previously established heel group. (Pay attention TNA!) It can be overused, that’s for damn sure, and it’s channel-changing boring when overdone. But when it’s done right, it’s part of what makes wrestling so significantly different from other programs and so addicting to it’s fans. The role of the authority figure is something I’ve been pondering for quite a while. On one hand it’s extremely difficult to imagine a wrestling program that flows well without a GM type of figure orchestrating things. They’re such a natural plot device, they’re almost a necessity. However, when overused, the GM role is a definite turn-off. Their character should never supersede the importance of the wrestlers. I actually think TNA does a decent job with this, better than the WWE. The mysterious “TNA Management” persona that only cares about ratings and what’s best for the bussiness is a nice touch, and Jim Cornette does a fair enough job of representing them when needed without being so involved in storylines (Vicki Guerrero, Eric Bischoff) that he distracts from the storylines between the wrestlers. It’s nice to see. I’m not sure what the solution is to this problem, so I’ll let Trips, Shane and Steph figure this one out. Or maybe Dixie Carter and Jeff Jarrett are already on the right track. I know at least part of the solution involves getting the hell out of the way of the wrestlers and not controlling their every move. Let them tell the story as Mick Foley routinely talks about. Start there. Speaking of the wrestlers, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention them in this column. For the most part I’m a huge fan of all the veterans who are still hanging around. Shawn Michaels, Triple H and The Undertaker are all good enough that they have a permanent place on my TV screen for about as long as they want it. They key there, since we’re all so familiar with their characters already and since they’re all perma-over is to use them in moderation. Moderation is the key. As for the “next-generation” of stars I could write a series of columns detailing the strengths/weaknesses and future of each but to do so would be ludicrous. Instead, allow me if I may to just share some general thoughts about each. While some people are starting to lose faith in him, I maintain that Mr. Kennedy is a can’t miss prospect. The guy is the total package and should be entertaining fans for a long, long time. In my opinion he’s the best of those to have never held a World Title. John Morrison is right behind him. For a long time I thought he was all flashy moves and little else but since he dropped the “Nitro” he’s been amazing on the mic. The “Shaman of Sexy” and “Palace of Wisdom” bit is so entertaining it shows his ability to get a character over. If the WWE can find a place for his brand of wrestling with all the flashy, high risk moves near the main event, he’ll be there for a long time. CM Punk and MVP are both on the bubble to me. I see flashes from them that I think would make them big stars of the future yet at other times I think they’re about as high as they can go. Neither has a look that is particularly marketable though both cater to a more specific “niche” audience that will allow them to stay over. It’s entirely a matter of how strong their characters continue to develop and if the audience gets into them. More so, it’s “if” the WWE is willing to go in the direction they’d have to for these two to be THAT over. Remember the adult oriented programming I was talking about? Sounds like a great place for both of them. Carlito, Shelton Benjamin, and both the Hardy Boys are in my opinion total wildcards. I was very high on Jeff before his recent drug suspension and like a lot of insiders I’d wager, I’ve lost faith in him now. He needs to get his shit together. Matt needs to show he can get the fans behind him enough to give a shit one way or the other, but I think he’s a permanent fixture in the mid-card and there’s nothing wrong with that (it’s working well for Chris Jericho though it pains me to admit that). Carlito needs more edge. If the WWE gets edgier, he (like Punk and MVP) will find a home near the top. If not, he’s not long for the limelight. Which brings me to the big three I suppose. Edge is awesome. Period. I have my doubts about Adam Copeland as a person due to some shady things that keep trickling out, steroid allegations and connecting some dots with some assumptions regarding all the backstage rumors. Still, I don’t know the man and won’t pass judgment, so I’ll just say that his wrestling skills are awesome and his mic work is probably in the top five of the industry in my opinion. Randy Orton has proven himself as an asshole here, as I predicted he would in THIS column. He stole my “Orton Era” bit by the way. I guess that’s catchier than “Asshole Era” but hey, whatever. J And last but not least, John Cena. Somebody writes a column on this guy seemingly once a week, and I’ve written at least two myself. Suffice it to say that my opinion of John Cena is that he is permanently over with the fans. He will always have those who love him, and he will always have those who loath him. I would LOVE to see him return to an edgier gimmick, the one that got him so over in the first place on Smackdown years ago, but I don’t know that it will ever happen. I’d like to see his ring game evolve a bit and incorporate some more variables (re: moves) but that’s probably not necessary for him to be the flag bearer of the company. Kids like predictability and John’s marketed towards kids and women at the moment. TNA….Jesus where do I start. They’re another topic that I could and have written entire columns about. They do so much well. They can get characters over very well, just ask Abyss, Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, The Motor City Machine Guns, LAX, or a litany of others. Their women’s division is actually entertaining and I think few people realize just how impressive a feat that truly is. Their matches can at times be some of the best on television. Yet, they suffer from several HUGE problems that distract from the good things they do. They’re matches and storylines are so overbooked it’s almost painful. Go with the KISS philosophy guys, Keep It Simple Stupid. They spend money on stupid shit…I understand the need to keep guys like Sting and Kevin Nash around because they do lend some credibility to the company. And guys like Angle, Christian and Booker T are probably good people to bring in when the WWE decides they’re not needed anymore. But why in the blue hell they even bother bringing in people who couldn’t get over in the WWE I have no idea. Their X-Division should be the flagship of the promotion yet its descended to being little more than a monotonous spot fest or comedy skit. It’s a real shame. And they really, really need to find a way to eliminate the cheesy atmosphere. They live in a carnival world and I can’t help but remember how much more I loved TNA when they were recording in the Asylum with a four-sided ring back in Nashville. Now, everything about them from the pyro to the ring to the announcing to the production just seems hacky. It’s distractingly bad. Yet, what they do well in terms of feuds, character development and wrestling is enough to give me hope for them. They need a change in management and a new direction and I can imagine a situation down the road when they’re viable competition to the WWE and a real force in the industry. That’s exciting for a wrestling fan. As for the other major promotions it’s pretty simple really. I know very, very little about RoH, CZW, NJPW or AAA. My only thoughts regarding them is that perhaps they should do something to make me notice them. I’m not a super smark, but I’m not exactly a total mark, casual wrestling fan either. If they can’t hook me, they’ll never hook the mainstream audience and be really successful. Sports-entertainment is not as entertaining as it once was. That’s a painful fact to admit but anybody who feels different needs to spend a few hours on You Tube or watching some old DVD’s. Yet, it’s not all bad and on any given night watching a few different shows you can still find some really awesome stuff. A great match here, a hilarious segment there, an emotional storyline here, an intriguing character there. It’s all still there, and I think it will be for a very, very long time. I hope this column didn’t come off as a giant “bitch fest” because that’s really not how it was intended. It wasn’t meant to be a laundry list of reasons I don’t watch wrestling, because in my mind the good still out weight the bad. I may not be writing or recording next week, but I still plan on watching Raw if possible. Even if it’s not as religiously as I once did, I’ll be paying attention the bussiness for a long, long time. Hopefully they can remedy some of the problems and bring me and Roommate Shropy scampering back with pizza boxes in lap. After all, I’m not a wrestler, a booker, a “reporter” or any other sort of insider. I’m a passionate fan who happens to enjoy sharing my opinions with others who are willing to listen and who’re hopefully entertained by my opinions. I’m a fan, which means I’m probably not qualified to give advice to those in charge as I’ve done much of this column. I’m a fan, which is short for fanatic, which means perhaps I’m the most qualified of all to assess the issues of the industry and throw out some possible solutions. I’m a fan. And I always will be. Calvin, Webmaster of Lop: Hey, gotta first give up credit to where it’s due the most. Without this guy, the site I’ve been writing/recording for all these years wouldn’t exist. Thanks for creating and maintaining such an awesome site man, giving thousands of people a (reasonably) reliable news/entertainment source and me a creative outlet I’ve really needed for a long time. You probably should have fired me a long, long time ago but you didn’t and I appreciate that. Thanks for the opportunity, it’s been an honor. Daveyboy, Raw is Snapple, Da J Train, & Jim Forseeze: Lop has had a ton of very gifted columnists come through, a litany of guys who have enhanced the enjoyment of wrestling for thousands of people. These guys were sort of my inspiration. They were the first columnists on Lop that I read on a consistent basis and I ate up everything they wrote with a spoon. I don’t know that I’ve ever told any of you what a huge fan I am/was of yours, but if you’re reading this, thanks a lot for the inspiration. You guys rock. And seriously Davey…265 columns? Are you shitting me? Way to make me feel like shit about this whole ‘retiring on #100’ thing. Tinalli: My first “e-friend” and the chick who inspired me to begin this endeavor in the first place. Tina made my first forum sig and was always there to leave me feedback in my early days when I still didn’t just want it, but really needed it. She hung up her own column years ago to become an admin at TNA’s message board and to my knowledge still runs their MySpace page for them. Awesome chick, thanks a lot Tina. Xanman and Doublehelix: These two guys were my favorites once I began writing in the Columns forum and they very quickly took me under their wing and were influential in my development as a columnist. At times I’ve been compared to both of them, though I think it’s an insult to both men. At best, I tried to combine their styles and do a cheap imitation of both. Shame neither is writing any longer, because they’re as good as anybody and I wouldn’t be here without them. Thanks guys. Winter, Captain Lou, and Bludwerkz/Spook: Without the drama created by the three of you I don’t know that my early days would have been nearly as much fun. Thanks for the rivalry. Spook and Winter, you guys need to write something again for the Columns Forum. It could use the attitude. Sandman, Cavalou & The Monkey: My opinion of Virginia will never be the same again after meeting these three…. Two and a half awesome columnists here and three guys I used to love to bullshit with on IM and talk wrestling, philosophy, women, or whatever else. Monkey started his own site over at www.themoviebar.net and it is really starting to gain some serious momentum. Check it out, tell them Random sent you. When they say “Who?” just say “never mind..fuck off” you’ll fit right in. Wevv Mang and Boss Foxx: I respect these two immensely and their sheer presence has inspired me. They’re two of the most creative individuals I’ve ever read and their knowledge and passion for the wrestling bussiness surpasses most any normal fan. Foxx has already hung it up and Wevv won’t be far behind. Thanks for always listening to my wacky ass ideas guys and being there for me to bounce stuff off of. Aside from the fact one of you is a Canadian and the other still thinks Hogan is the savior, you’re both damn fine people. YourAyatollah: “The Ayatollah of Gas ‘N Cola” (credit: Cavalou) is one of my best “e-friends” which says something about the type of company I’m keeping these days. I mean, seriously, am I that big of a loser? My brother has a sticker on his wall that says “I was uncool before uncool was cool” and that might describe Ayatollah and my friendship with him. What a douche. In all honesty though, I think I can move the guy into sole possession of my #1 All-time favorite columnist. He’s extraordinary and probably does the “regular guy” or “just some random fan” gimmick better than I’d ever hoped to. I’m still hoping to work with him on some projects in the future, and any project I would attempt would be better off with him involved. I wouldn’t be here without him around and no women in Texas is safe to use a gas station bathroom with him around. Morpheus: I could really echo a lot of the same sentiments as above and apply them to Morph. Morph’s a good friend with a SILF, so I’d better tread lightly and not bitch about his mental instability, his tendency to lie to Mencee Nation, or his constant habit of letting me down. After all, without him there probably wouldn’t be a Mencee Nation to let down, there’d just be a half dozen Shropamaniacs running about. As I said in the main piece above, his column writing was fantastic when he was still writing and his audio skills are unparalleled. Hopefully we can still get together to do the occasional ‘Countdown because spending two hours on the phone talking wrestling with this guy is usually two of funniest hours of my life. You’re an awesome guy Morphy, thanks for everything. Now mail me your sister. aisce, Uncle Joe, Romans, Anthrax & Jetsetpoker: Congratulations fellas, the spotlight’s officially on you now. Two of you have already made the main page and rest of you should be there shortly so allow me to get out of your way. The columns forum of Lopforums is an endless supply of entertaining writers and you guys are some of the finest to come along in quite sometime. Rome reminds me a lot of Xan with a religious agenda and Aisce is like Xan with attitude and more original column ideas. I don’t know that this forum has ever seen anything like Uncle Joe, aside from maybe BC. He’ll come at you from every angle and be all up on you like a spider monkey. Anthrax and Jetset both take a more conventional yet extremely effective straightforward approach that fans of this website will fall in love with. Good luck guys, let me know if there’s ever anything I can do for you guys. A Special Thank You to my loyal fans -The Bleeder Readers and Mencee Nation- and a special note to all my critics. Where do I begin? A few years ago, a friend of mine who doesn’t like wrestling and doesn’t care about my column (I know, total tool right?) asked me why I continue to write these and spend so much time on Lop. I told him a story about a piece of feedback I received once from a guy named Dixon, who was stationed on a naval ship in some far away, godforsaken land. He told me about how he didn’t get to watch much wrestling and was very homesick, but that my column was one of the highlights of his week. It kept him in touch with the wrestling world and in many ways kept him connected to home. Now, I’m not a “pro-war” guy and for the most part while I have mad respect for service women I don’t consider myself “pro-military” either. But that was very touching to me and extremely inspiring. Earlier this evening I was approving comments on Mondaynightcountdown.net that fans had left, inquiring about the status of the show. One such comment said “The writing is on the wall that these two don\'t care at all about the fans. In the matter of fact, they\'ve destroyed what they had.” I wasn’t under the impression that I was in any way indebted to my fans. Unlike a pro-athlete or musician they’ve not made me rich or famous, though they have paid for the hosting of my websites (bills I wouldn’t have were it not for that show) in exchange for hours of entertainment before. And I think those two sentiments sum up my unique relationship with my fans. Much of what I receive is inspiring, rewarding stuff that I am eternally grateful for. I’m happy to entertain you guys as much as I can, whenever I can. At times, I’ve felt very pressured however by you. I place this pressure on myself mainly, but I don’t want to let anybody down or seem ungrateful for your time, gratitude. It sounds silly, but without somebody to read this I obviously wouldn’t have written it as long as I have. Maybe it’s why I still like John Cena, I can appreciate somebody who works hard and is loved by many while being loathed by many others. I never took anybody for granted. You guys rock and I appreciate all your time and all your emails over the years. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading/listening to my work as much as I’ve enjoyed producing it. Your input and attention, egomaniacal as it is, has fueled me this long and it’s been an awesome ride for me. The combination of your efforts has had a lasting, positive impact on my life and I’m grateful for that. But I’m not indebted to you. So for those of you who’ve somehow felt wronged by my inconsistency in writing, or felt betrayed by the long delays in MNC, I’m sorry you feel that way, you ungrateful sons a bitches. It’s not personal, I don’t dislike you and I don’t “not care about you” no matter how much mommy didn’t love you forcing you crave approval now. Get a fucking life or do something with your own and stop spending all of your time waiting on a volunteer to drop everything in his own life to entertain you because you somehow feel entitled to it. Thanks for reading and listening, but if that’s the way you feel than kiss my ass and remember the taste. And I guess that wraps up what has been an emotional experience for me. I don’t consider myself the best to have ever done this. I’m not arrogant enough to think that I’ve somehow had even the slightest of impact on the wrestling industry as some delusional columnists to come before me have claimed. I don’t have any awards or a “golden keyboard”. I can only hope that my efforts in this column and elsewhere have enhanced the joy of professional-wrestling for everybody who’s read or listened to any of my work. I know I’m not the most technically sound of all the columnists around but I just never wanted to treat this column like a college thesis and spend hours of additional time beyond the writing proofreading and correcting errors, I prefer to just sort of leave it as natural as can be once the spell-check is finished and I appreciate everybody’s patience with that. Likewise, I know I’ve not been the most consistent of columnists. For Christ’s sake it’s taken me over four years to write a measly one-hundred columns, and barely a dozen in the last year. Not the beacon of consistency I know, but I want you guys to know that a lot of that is because I’ve never been a big fan of “filler” columns. I never wanted to be a guy who churned out fluff columns just so I could say I wrote something that day. Most every column I wrote was written with a purpose and a goal in mind, or at least a mood, emotion, or idea I wanted to convey. They all meant a lot to me, they all received significant amounts of time and energy, and hopefully they’ve all been worth your time and effort. As I said at the top, I’ll still be around as a forum moderator and I’m sure I’ll still be contributing to the main page with the occasional Fact or Fiction. Beyond that, I think it would be wrong of me to say I’ll never write again. I don’t envision this as a “Ric Flair-esque oh my god this is really the end” sort of retirement but more of a Mick Foley “Hey I’m retiring *Wink wink*“ sort of retirement. I’ll be back in one form or another. I’m not sure where I’ll be heading immediately from here. Expect an update to The Project’s site very soon and until I make some decisions about what I’m doing creatively, I’ll use that as my new internet home. It doesn’t have the audience this one does, but maybe I won’t have people bitching at me all the time either. Meh, that’s half the fun I suppose. It really has been great fun guys and I hope you’ve enjoyed all the time you’ve spent in The Nosebleed Section-but next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5!  Check the banner above for news regarding the final episode of Monday Night Countdown, coming soon!  It’s not much anymore but it was semi-cool at one point. It’s also where, starting very soon, you can find all things Random as he attempts to write some none wrestling stuff. Look there for all Random updates! ***DIRECT LINK*** The BILLION DOLLAR HOTTIE! Stephanie McMahon - HUGE NEW HOT GALLERY!!
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