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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Saturday, April 5, 2008 at 12:23 AM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – Kane's House - The Last Ride, The Prelude The sun is setting on the city of Phoenix. The streets are packed with anxious drivers trying to make their way home. Amid the bustle, a 1996 blue Geo Metro waits to make a left hand turn off of Washington into a parking lot. Finally, and proof that common decency can still happen on the road, the car makes the turn through a gap. The parking lot is fairly full. A man gets out of the car and locks his doors. He stubs out his cigarette and sighs. He turns towards a building with no windows, and no markings, just a large purple neon sign on the outside. He makes his way around the back of the building, where past a fenced off section, a large Mexican man is standing. He wears a ruffled shirt and suspenders. He’s smoking a cigarette and talking to three girls, who are smoking as well. They wear overcoats, despite the Phoenix warmth. Mexican: Hey Wevv! How’s it hanging man? Wevv: To the left, Juan. Always to the left. Juan laughs. Juan: Good one Wevv. Hey man, there’s some guy inside, who was asking for you. Just giving you a heads up. Oh, and Millie wants to see you. Wevv: Thanks Juan. Ladies. Always a pleasure. Wevv makes his way inside, while the ladies return polite responses. Wevv enters, and is soon mobbed by a girl wearing a G-String and tassels. Woman: Wevv! You son of a bitch! You better play my music tonight and no more of your bullshit. Wevv: Candy, I don't give a shit what you want. There is no fucking way I am EVER going to play Justin Timberlake, EVER. And what’s the big deal? Look, what’s your act? Candy: I’m a naughty teacher. So? Wevv: And I play Hot For Teacher when you come out. It fits. It’s good. Candy: It’s old! Wevv: Sigh Look. I’ll think about it. OK? Candy: You don't have to think about it, you just have to DO IT! DO you want me to talk to Millie? I will, and you ass will be fired! Wevv: Van Buren. One block north. Two girls who were getting changed, laugh, and then try to smother it, when Candy glares at them. Candy: What? What’s that supposed to mean! Wevv just walks off. He goes down a crowded hallway, handing out compliments and excusing himself. He comes to a door marked “Manager” and knocks. A voice tells him to enter. Wevv: Hey Millie! How’s it going? A large woman sits behind a desk punching numbers into an adding machine. She points to a chair, and Wevv takes it. Millie: There’s a man asking for you. You in some kind of trouble? Wevv: Nope. At least, not that I know of. Millie: This guy wears a suit and he looks like he swallowed a toad. You know what that means? He’s a fed. Or a bill collector. I know you’ve fallen on hard times, Wevv, and I like you. You wrote some funny shit back in the day. But if you’re going to bring feds into my club, I’ll kick you out so fast, your balls will have to be mailed to you. Understand? Good. Now, I’ll ask you again. Are you in some kind of trouble? Wevv: Millie, I swear to God, I’ve done nothing wrong. Millie stares at Wevv. Wevv tries to meet her stare, but swallows and then looks away. Millie grunts. Millie: You’re telling the truth. OK then. The guy is sitting at the bar, and he’s making my customers nervous. You got fifteen minutes until your shift starts. Find out what he wants and send him on his way. Capiche? Wevv: Loud and clear. Oh, and Candy – Millie: Fuck Candy. And if you can, I won’t say shit. Play whatever you want Wevv. You got a knack for this. Don't fuck it up. Wevv: I won't Millie. Wevv leaves the office and gives a big sigh of relief. He looks puzzled though. So puzzled he bumps into a girl. Girl: Whoa! Easy there Wevv. You wanna feel me up, that will cost you extra! Wevv: Sorry Gwen. Lot on my mind. Gwen: I can see that. Is it that guy who’s been asking for you? Wevv: You heard about that? Gwen: I asked him if he wanted a lap dance. Guy seems really intense you know. So be careful when you talk to him. Wevv: Thanks Gwen. Hey, what are you in the mood for tonight? Gwen: Well, Timmy got into a fight at school today and was sent home, so I’m feeling a little, you know, pissed off. You got a recommendation? Wevv: I think I can come up with something. Look, I’m gonna be late, and if I let Justin keep spinning, he’ll drive all the customers away. Don't worry, I got you covered. Wevv rushes off as Gwen responds. Gwen: That kind of defeats the purpose doesn’t it? Wevv turns and smiles and bursts through the curtains into the main area. Strobe lights flicker and spotlights dance, and the only lighted space seems to be on the stage, where a girls is lying on her back, spreading and closing her legs mechanically, while a hip-hop song plays. Wevv shakes his head and mutters to himself. Wevv: Damn kids. “99 problems” is the WRONG song to play. Wevv makes his way to the bar. The bartenders sees him coming and nods a greeting and turns away, and grabs a bottle and a two shot glasses. Wevv reaches the bar and the bartender has two shots waiting for him, and a bottle of water. Bartender: Hey Wevv. What’s up? Wevv downs a shot. Wevv: Ah, Becky, you’re a wonder. Where is he? Becky: Down there. You need any help, you just give me a sign and I’ll have Emilio escort him out. Wevv: (After downing the other shot) Thanks Becky. I owe you. Wevv takes the bottle of water and walks towards a man sitting in a particularly dark part of the bar. The man stands up as Wevv approaches. Wevv’s heart starts beating faster. The man steps forward into an overhead spotlight, and sticks out his hand. Man: Mr. Mang? I’m Chris Nowinksi. I represent the insurance firm of Christie’s. Ironic, huh, meeting here? Anyway, if you have some time, I’d like to ask you some questions. Shall we have a seat? Wevv: Look, I gotta start work soon. What is this about? Chris: Well, Mr. Mang, we all have a job to do, I’d just like to do mine. But I’ll get to the point. I’m sure you heard about the incident at Wrestlemania? All those people injured? Well, I’m helping to investigate the matter. Wevv: I wasn’t at Wrestlemania. Chris: I know you weren’t there Wevv. No, but you may know some people who were. Wevv: I don't know anyone who went there. Look, I’m not really in the wrestling scene anymore. I have a new job. And I’d like to do it. I don't know anyone who went to Orlando this year! Sorry, I can’t help you. Just then, a squeaky voiced DJ announces the next dancer, and starts to play a song. Wevv turns and snarls at the DJ booth. Wevv: You idiot! You don't play that song! Look, Chris, I gotta go. It’s been nice meeting you. Wevv turns to leave, and Chris suddenly speaks and freezes Wevv in his tracks. Chris: When was the last time you saw Big Show and Bossman, Wevv? Wevv slowly turns back. Chris: Terrible tragedy Wrestlemania. A lot of people got hurt. A lot of people want to sue the guys who did it. And WWE is looking for a way out. And you KNOW how there are. I’m sure they can find some one to blame. And if not the actual culprits, well, I’m sure the next best thing can be offered. I’ll be here all night if I have to Wevv. I’ll be sitting right here. If you feel like talking that is. Chris takes a seat and orders a drink. Wevv looks scared, but as the chorus of the song kicks in, Wevv steels himself. He stalks towards the DJ booth and shoves a young kid out of the way. Kid: HEY! What are you doing? Wevv hits the eject button on the CD player. He clicks the mouse and another song starts up. He grabs the mic and says smoothly. Wevv: Give it for Porsche! Thank you darling. Beautiful! She’ll be heading your way to get up close and personal with you folks, so stay right there! Now, let’s give up for our next model of perfection, SAPHIRE! Wevv starts up Juke Joint Jezebel and Gwen takes the stage with a flourish. The crowd actually claps and hoots for her. Wevv: Look punk, I don't care if you think it’s funny, but never, EVER play Sir Mix a Lot! Got it! Not go home! Don't you have tests you have to study for or something! Yeesh! Another day in paradise. God damn you Bossman. God damn you to hell. An hour later… Wevv: That was Monique! Show your love, people! Not that way! But Monique will be available to give you some personal attention! We’re gonna take a little break, but never fear, the ladies will be there to share your pain and make you feel all right! Wevv flips the switch and the machine takes over. Wevv rushes from the booth to the bar. Becky slides him a 7 and 7. Becky: God Wevv. You suck tonight. Wevv: Lot on my mind. Look, is that guy still here? Chris: I told you I would be. Why don't we take a seat right over here? Becky and Wevv share a look and then Wevv follow Chris. Chris sits down and slips a little as the chairs are very deep. He adjusts his position and just looks at Wevv. Wevv shifts nervously in the chair. He then speaks. Wevv: Look, I don't know what you heard, but Bossman is dead. Chris actually laughs. Chris: Look Wevv, we both know that Bossman is very much alive. Wevv starts to say something, but Chris holds up a hand and cuts him off. Chris: I know, I know. He may have fooled my predecessor, Bradshaw, but I’m not an idiot. I don't know how Bossman faked his own death. It’s none of my business. Nor do I think you’ve been helping him avoid capture all these years. Not unless you have deeper pockets than your bank accounts show. No, Bossman is still out there. I just need to know when you saw him last and what he was up to. So, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way. Which is it going to be? Wevv cradles his glance and looks at the floor. Finally he starts speaking. Wevv: I got nothing to do with it, see? I last saw Big Show back in February. He came to town for the Superbowl. Seems Wayne Gretzky and some other bigwigs were trying to court Vince and get him to bring Wrestlemania to Phoenix. Big Show got free tickets, and called to hang out. I figured, why not? I hadn't seen the guy in years. I still had a house at that time, a lovely little place in Tempe. Big Show and Bossman used to live there with me for a while, until it got too crazy. Anyway, I remember that day well. It was a perfect day. Great weather, a little chilly, by Phoenix standards, but it beat the shit out of anything back east. Bob Marley was on the PA system, and margaritas by the pool. Big Show and I were just catching up on old times. And then HE appeared…. Cue Flashback sequence… Two days before the Superbowl The house is nearly identical to it’s neighbors, but Wevv has added his own personal touches. Wevv stands behind a grill, while Big Show spreads out on a barcalounger by the pool. He’s got a Hawaiian shirt on and shorts. And sunglasses. He’s sipping a red that seems to be mostly crushed ice. He seems to be in the middle of a story. Big Show: So there we were, trapped in McMahon Mart. You ever been there? Man, that place is huge. Make Wal-Mart look like a Circle K. Anyway, Kane was carrying Lita and I had Christy, that’s Christy Hemme, a former Divas Search winner - . Wevv: She’s in TNA now. Can you believe that? Big Show: No way! Man, I had no idea she was still alive. Well, being in TNA is close to death, I guess So, Kane was suggesting (next door a dog starts barking) that we eat Christie’s leg, because we hadn’t eaten in days, and no was around, because Bossman was trying to overthrow Vince and take over McMahon mart and (The dogs barks are cut off with a loud yelp) what was that? Wevv steps from around the grill, holding his spatula like a weapon. Wevv: Well, we do have some javelinas around here. A hand appears on the top of the wall separating Wevv’s house from the one behind him. Big Show gets up. Another hand appears, and then a flattop pokes over the top. A leg follows and a large man pulls himself over the wall, into Wevv’s yard and then promptly falls to the gravel that makes up the yard instead of grass in just about every house in Phoenix. The man lets out a grunt. And a groan. He then stands up. And mutters into the silence. Bossman: I’m getting too old for this shit. Hey! Wevv! Big Show! How are you bastards? Long time no see! Ha! HA! HA! End flashback. Wevv gulps down his drink. He turns and signals Becky for another one. Chris looks off into space. Chris: So he IS alive… Wevv turns back quickly. Wevv: Hey! You said I wouldn’t get into trouble for that! Chris: No, no it’s nothing. It’s just that he’s a legend around the office. His insurance policy was huge! And I mean HUGE! You wouldn't believe how many people got fired when rumors of him still being alive started to surface. But anyway, go on. What happened then. Wevv: I don't know. Chris: But you were there! Come on Wevv! I can't help you if you don't help me! Wevv: Look man, it’s like this. You heard about the writer’s strike, right? So, this is what happened, and I only know this stuff second hand… Cur Flashback sequence…. Big Show: Oh shit. Wevv: Bossman? Is that you? Just then, a large man bursts out of Wevv’s house and grabs Wevv by the arm the man is wearing a black T-shirt with the words “WGA” stenciled on the front and back. Man: Come on Sir. You know the rules. Wevv: Oh come on! Bossman unsheathes his baton and advances on the man. Bossman: OH CRAP! It’s the cops! Wevv: Whoa! Calm down Bossman! Stay cool, bro! Big Show: Who is this guy Wevv? Wevv: He’s a member of the WGA guild. He’s here to make sure I don't do any freelance writing. Or have any kind of adventures that might be construed as entertaining. Look, do I really have to go? It’s just a couple of old friends- Guard: I don't think so. If Bossman and Big Show are in the same area, there’s going to be hijinks and according to article 17, paragraph, 3 subsections 4, no WGA members are allowed to be in any situation where hijinks may ensue. So, you gotta go. Bossman: He knows who I am? I’m famous? COOL! Big Show: There’s not going to be any hijinks! Bossman was just leaving! Bossman: I was not! Not until I get one of those burgers. If tubby here hasn't eaten them all yet. Bossman: Who you calling tubby, fatso!?! Wevv: Just like old times. Hey, it’s great to see you again Bossman. What brings you here? Big Show: (under his breath) trouble. Bossman: I was just in the area and wanted to stop by and see my old friends Wevv and Big Show! Is there anything wrong with that? And I do have a tiny little favor to ask.. Big Show: Here we go! I told you Wevv! I told you! Bossman: Look it’s nothing big. Just a teensy tiny favor. I need your help and the first person I thought of was my old friend Big Show! What do you say Big Guy? Care to help out your old pal Bossman? Big Show: NO! I know you Bossman! Bossman: Look, just hear me out first! It’s going to be simple! Big Show: It’s never simple with you! Bossman: (Growing angry) Look, fatty, I need you! You got connections to Vince and I – Big Show: Vince?!? No way! Vince and I are talking about me getting my job back and I’m not going to screw it up! You know how he feels about you! One of the first things he asked me is if I had seen you recently! He’s still pissed about Juvi-Henry! Bossman: He’ll never know I’m here! Look, you just have to help me get close to him and then – Guard: (putting his hands over Wevv’s ears) OK! I’ve heard enough! This sounds like a caper and a scheme! Time to go Mr. Mang! Inside! Now! Wevv: What? God damn it! Fucking union! Wevv is forced inside, but before the sliding glass door can be closed he can hear Big Show yell. Big Show: You to WHAT?!?! End Flashback Chris: So you didn’t actually hear what Bossman’s plan was? Wevv:…No. I didn’t. I was inside the house. And the door was closed. The WGA made sure I didn’t get involved. If you got a problem, you can take it up with them. Now, that’s all I had to do with it. I have to get back to work. The late night crowd will be coming in soon, and the amateur competition will be starting soon. Wevv gulps down his drink and carefully, slowly, puts the glass next to the seven others. He slowly gets to his feet. He starts to walk away, but Chris says something that makes him stop. Chris: Thank you for your time Mr. Mang. What you’ve decided to share has been most informative. But I think you’re holding back. I think you know what Bossman and Big Show were up to. Pity you’re not being very cooperative. I had hoped that we won't have to drag you into court, but I guess if there’s no other choice… Wevv: All right. I..I talked to Big Show later. After it was already done, understand?!? Look…I need a smoke. Come outside with me, and I’ll tell you what I know. Chris tries to stand up, slips on the chair, and then makes it to his feet. Wevv is already heading out the front door, and having a quick word with the doorman. Millie is handling the cash register on the other side of the double doors. Wevv has a quick word with her. She nods and motions for Wevv to go. Chris follows Wevv outside and around the front to the parking lot. Wevv nervously fumbles in his pockets for a pack of smokes and his hands shakes as he lifts the zippo up the end of the butt. He takes a deep drag and scratches his head. Chris stands, staring at Wevv. Traffic moves along Washington Street, as time passes. Patrons come and go. Finally Wevv stomps out the cigarette and speaks. Wevv: OK. Where to begin? God, nothing is ever simple with Bossman. HA! I should know! Anyway, let me collect my thoughts for a second. OK, got it. It started about a week before Bossman showed up. Bossman was surfing the net, and came across a possible list for the Hall of Fame Nominees. Bossman is not in the Hall. Chris: I know. Go on. Wevv: OK. Good. Well, there was one name on that list that drove Bossman up the wall. It was the ultimate insult to Bossman. He had to do something about it. If that guy got in before he did, he would have gone ballistic. So, look man, if I’m going to tell you about this, I need protection. Real protection, not just words. So, you gotta give me that. Chris: I can give you some protection from prosecution, but I need to know what happened first. Wevv: The law? Man, I’m not talking about the law! I’m talking about Bossman! Chris: From Bossman? Look, I know his reputation, but I hardly think that – Wevv: LOOK! You may have HEARD some things about Bossman, well, let me tell you something, pal, the shit you haven't heard about, that I know for a FACT is true, well, let’s just say there isn't enough Hard Time in creation to make Bossman pay for half of what he’s done. Al Snow got off light. Hell, I was THERE for some of it! I saw it first hand! That man is pure Evil. So, either you promise me protection right now, or I’ll take my chances in court, and frankly, buddy, I don’t think you got shit on me. I know the law friend. Living with Bossman AND Big Show teaches you a few things. I wasn’t there, I was nowhere near there and I got plenty of witnesses. So, there’s the offer, take it or leave it. Chris: Well, it seems like you got me over a barrel Mr. Mang. Without knowing the full extent of what you know, I can't make any solid promises, but I will do the best that I can. But I can tell you this. If you make us drag you into court, it will go hard on you. We know a few things about you Wevv. Things your union buddies may not take kindly too. So, how about you just tell me what you know and I’ll be the judge, OK? Wevv paces and lights up another smoke. He exhales noisily. Wevv: Fine! My life has been in the shitter since that day, anyway! But I get the rights to the film! No questions! Chris: Fine, you can have the rights. Now, Bossman was upset because Ric Flair was going to be inducted into the Hall OF Fame before him. Then what happened? Wevv: No. Not Ric. It was some one else. Chris: Who? Wevv: Bossman’s greatest rival. The one man who could get to Bossman like no other. That was the man who really would make Bossman drop dead if he got into the Hall before him. Chris: Who? The Rock’s dad? Mae Young? Wevv: No. Not The Rocks dad. That was before Bossman’s time. And certainly not Mae. Hell, Bossman has made a career of marketing Mae’s porn. Never understood Granny porn, but by god, there are some sick fucks out there who will pay a fortune to see it. No, this man never actually made it to the Hall. Bossman got his revenge. But not without a price, apparently. Yeah, I head about the Wrestlemania Power outage. I still have some connection with the wrestling world, you know. And the fact that the pyro accident may have had Bossman involvement? Not too surprising. No, not surprised at all. After all, like the song says, you don't go messing with a country boy. Chris: Wait, what was that? You can't mean… Wevv: I do indeed. Bossman’s greatest nemesis, is none other than Hillbilly Jim. And this was going to be the year that he was inducted into the Hall of Fame. And Bossman had to stop him. Or die trying. To be continued… Part 2 Will be up before you know it. Thanks For Reading and thanks for Ridin’ Please label all feedback as FEEDBACK. My email address is mrwevv@mac.com . Thank you. Lop Forums LPW – Best E-Fed On The Net. Period. LOP Columns Forum – The Next Generation of Writers. ***DIRECT LINK*** Simply AMAZING Gallery Dedicated to Amy "Lita" Dumas HOT POSES!
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