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Submitted by Hustle on Sunday, March 9, 2008 at 6:44 AM EST
 Good lookin out for the graphics work, Noc  Big ups to the homie E.M. for the HIPRN pics used in this column In case you forgot or fell off, I'm still hot.. I told myself that I wasn't gonna do it. I promised myself that I wasn't gonna do it. Yet.. here I am.. about to do it. One of the biggest John Cena fans on the entire planet is set to do an entire column.. damn near every single section.. on John Cena, or Cena-related topics, at least (Cena fans, Cena haters, etc). What's my goal here with this shenaniganery, you ask? To convert even a single Cena hater into a fan (or, at the very least, someone who can tolerate the guy) by going over the reasons why I like him. Not why anyone else may like him, but why I personally like him. I can think of multiple people that would be able to do this more eloquently than I could ever dream of, but hey, I gotta handle my own thug thizzle from time to time, you know? The feedback is gonna be funfunfun for this one, I know that much. Before we get into it, though.. hello, everyone. You should know where you are right now, but for those who don't.. welcome to "Hustle Is Posting Right Now". I just happen to be your host eating toast.. Hustle. I really am eating toast right now, with a very nice guava jam spread, but that isn't why you're all here. At least, I hope that's not why you're all here. I'm hoping you're here because I fuckin rawk. Either way, you're here, and that's what matters, so let's get it poppin. You're gonna need to get yourself real comfortable for this one. Maybe grab a snack or two and something to wash it down with. Let's just say that the journey is quite a long one. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!!  Beef, I don't sweat it.. sleep, I don't get it.. Just to let everyone know, there's no real order as far as how I'm listing these reasons of mine. I'm just going with my own flow, I guess. Anyway, first up.. something that hits close to home for me.. his hustle. A lot of people don't think about the schedule that WWE superstars have to deal with. While their current schedule is a lot less hectic than the "on the road for 300+ days a year" deals that wrestlers in the past have had to deal with, its still a lot more difficult to handle than your average person. To go out and wrestle one night, and then immediately head off for the next city/state/country to do it all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat. Add to that the fact that these guys almost have no choice but to wrestle through injuries, and it just gets crazier. Then there's also the promotion that they need to do.. radio and TV interviews in cities to hype up the shows, autograph signings from town to town, the occasional appearance with David Letterman, etc. That's not even counting the charity work that some of them participate in, and of course, their own personal time with family and friends. As the man who was the WWE Champion for the majority of the past 2 years, John Cena had to take on all of that and then some. They could very well put on a TV event or a house show without someone like Snitsky, but without the WWE Champion? 99 out of 100 times, that won't happen. The company could even do promotional work for their upcoming events using guys like Charlie Haas or Super Crazy, but let's be honest.. why the fuck would they do that? Whether it be press conferences, talk show appearances, or even a brief stop at a children's hospital to raise the spirits of sick children or something of the sort, just who would the company turn to? John Cena. The man was doing TV appearance after TV appearance, both local and national, hyping the company's big shows. Spreading the word. Getting the buzz going. Awards shows? Hey, look, there's John Cena. Newspapers? Hey, look, there's John Cena. He was absolutely everywhere. You may be sitting there and wondering why that is. Even if you're not, let's just pretend that you are, for the sake of where I'm going here.. because he's a company man through and through and he's out doing what they ask him to do. That's why. The man went overseas to entertain the troops while he was still recovering from surgery, people. I don't care what your opinion of Cena is.. you KNOW he didn't have to go on that trip if he didn't want to. Vince McMahon wouldn't force something like that and take a chance on permanently injuring his biggest money maker. If you've heard it from Cena himself, he's said on numerous occasions that he'll go overseas for the troops, no matter what, with no questions asked. That's appreciation in an age where people complain about far too much. In an age where "a little" is "nothing", and when "a lot" is "not enough". Athletes and celebrities thinking they don't make enough money, even though they make more money in a month than a lot of people will see in their entire lives. Not wanting to mingle with fans and do things for them, even though these celebrities would be absolutely nothing without those fans. No excuses, no prima donna attitude.. just a real urge to make sure that everyone is satisfied, whether it be getting their money's worth in watching him wrestle or making sure he signs the autographs and takes the pictures for the fans outside of the ring. Maybe its the great work he does for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Whatever it is, its almost as if he doesn't get any sleep. Like he's some sort of cyborg or something. That sort of grind.. that sort of hustle.. should almost automatically get him a passing grade from everyone. It didn't, however. Have you seen the workouts the guy puts himself through? You can't just wake up one day and look like that, people. It takes A LOT of dedication and hard work, and those are things that he has to fit into his already ridiculous schedule. I know, I know.. the first thing anybody thinks about when it comes to wrestlers and their bodies is either steroids or HGH, and in a way, that's a completely understandable way of thinking. Let's just say, for example's sake, that John Cena is a filthy, dirty, user of 19 different types of steroids, as well as 7 or 8 types of HGH. Let's say he has more medication in him than your local Walgreens. Do you think a body like that (no homo) can be achieved simply by injecting something into your body (no homo) and then sitting on the couch and watching TV all day long? Nope, you still need to.. you know.. work at it. What people seem to either not know about or merely forget is the fact that John has a degree in Exercise Physiology from Springfield College. Exercise Physiology is known as a "discipline involving the study of how exercise alters the structure and function of the human body". Springfield College preaches their "Humanics" philosophy, which pushes for "education of the whole person in spirit, mind, and body for the leadership in service to others". Basically, if there's a wrestler on the planet who would know exactly how to work out and work out CORRECTLY, it would be John Cena. I'm not going to get into the discussion over whether or not I think Cena is "clean" or not, because its nothing but pure speculation on either side, and its an extremely stupid debate that will be just like running around in circles for an hour and then completely forgetting why you were running in the first place. Did you notice how I've talked to this point about Cena's crazy schedule, yet only barely mentioned his actual in-ring work? Lost in the tears shed amongst those who dislike him winning every week is those 2 final key words. Every week. Cena was wrestling all comers, WWE Champion or not. For fuck's sake, he wrestled Kevin Federline on Raw. THE Kevin Federline, folks. The dirtiest looking dirtball in the world of celebrity-dom. AND HE LOST TO HIM. If you people can't cheer for John Cena after they had him lose to Kevin Motherfucking Federline, or at least respect the guy for it, then there just might be something wrong with you. I'm just saying. Ain't no way you breakin me, kid, I'm harder than nails.. Try as they might, the fans just can't get into John's head. When he first started getting over with live crowds, he was a heel. He was the cocky young hip-hop head who would cut freestyles on his opponents, random announcers, cities he happened to be in, amongst other targets. He was reaching a demographic that was really into professional wrestling, but never had a legit "hero" to relate to in the business. They had it with Cena, even if he was a tad over-the-top on occasion. He was still a better overall package than Kennedy will ever be, though. Ouch. He was one of those heels that you just knew would get himself over on the face side of the fence, and that's exactly what happened. A groundswell of fan support continued to grow, and he eventually became a full-fledged face. He was quickly becoming the #1 face on the Smackdown brand, in fact, and that became obvious with his WWE Championship victory over JBL at WrestleMania 21. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Smackdown fans, but at this point, John Cena was basically like a big fish in a small pond. He needed something bigger. Something better. Something fresh. Hell, something so fresh, you could even say it was.. Raw. In a great start to the Summer of 2005, Eric Bischoff chose Cena as Raw's #1 pick in the Draft Lottery. Finally, the man could prove himself on the "main stage". It was a sudden move.. something that a lot of people didn't see coming. Completely unexpected. Almost as unexpected as a small percentage of the live crowds turning on Cena, almost overnight. The boos seemed to grow on a weekly basis, and people couldn't really understand why. Fans began jumping on the "anti-Cena" bandwagon, and those who say they didn't do just that are lying while the Lord & Savior listens to them. I've never seen so many people that were completely and utterly full of shit before. One week you're rooting for Cena, but then you hear and read that there's a small group of people booing him, and now, all of a sudden, you're booing him, too? Kiss my ass. It was the "in" thing to do. I would be in total understanding if his character changed drastically from one week to the next. On one Raw, he was an urban-dressing hip-hop head, and then on the next Raw, he's got a German accent.. then you can feel free to just "change your mind" about whether you like the guy or not. There were people making complete 180-degree turns in regards to their Cena fandom in just one week. I don't quite understand the "lemming" way of thinking with wrestling fans sometimes. I guarantee you that some of you reading this right now know exactly what I'm referring to. My fellow LoPForums posters, just think to any of the several threads in the various wrestling forums. Think to Wrestler A having a good match, and even though he previously had no visible fan support, all of a sudden had people claiming to have always liked the guy. Then wait a little while, because you'll see more of them pop up. People saying that he's one of their favorites, and that they liked this match of his from the past, or this feud with so-and-so, etc. Then go back to threads that took place at the time of those matches or those feuds.. nothing. Its happening with Umaga right now, as a matter of fact. To those reading, I'm not referring to anybody in particular with these comments, so if you think I'm talking about you, it must be the guilt eating you up inside. Even though he was a face, he was getting mixed (at best) to heel (at worst) reactions all across the country. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler sounded like complete fools for having to ignore the crowd reactions. When you hear the commentators talking about how beloved a wrestler is, and you listen to nothing but booing and "Cena sucks" chants in the background, something isn't quite right, you know? They eventually had no other choice but to acknowledge the shift in crowd response and would go on to christen Cena as the "most controversial champion in WWE history", which, while completely true in a certain sense, still sounded pretty lame. By the time 2006 rolled around, the crowd response had started to get ridiculously loud, on both sides, for Cena. Through a surprising WWE Title loss to Edge at the New Year's Revolution PPV that year (and the winning of the title back a few weeks later), and through a WILD match at WrestleMania 22 against Triple H, John never seemed to truly get flustered when it came to the fan reaction. Sure, he was out there doing his thing for those fans, and having a lot of them turn their backs on him probably hurt, but he kept on keeping on. At this point, a new fan to the sport would've thought you were at the outer perimeter of your cranium if you told them that John Cena was a "good guy". Then came the one true time where John Cena WASN'T the "good guy". ECW One Night Stand 2006. John Cena defending the WWE Title against ECW "Original" Rob Van Dam, deep in the heart of "ECW Country" at the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City. In all my years of watching wrestling, I've never witnessed such a hostile crowd reaction towards a single wrestler. Cena, in his own words, was everything that the rabid ECW fans stood against. He was "mainstream". He represented "corporate America" (with his WWE affiliation). Watching that match with a large group of fans, we were just counting down the seconds until John showed some sort of obvious display that he was getting rattled and letting the crowd get to him. We waited and we watched. We watched and we waited. Surprisingly enough.. it just never happened. As a matter of fact, not only did he not get rattled, he actually seemed to ENJOY it after a while. This was around the time that I really began to form an entirely new level of respect for John Cena the man, instead of merely enjoying John Cena the wrestler. If any of you happen to own the WrestleMania 20 DVD, go ahead and skim through the Brock Lesnar VS Goldberg match. Right there is where you'll find a perfect example of wrestlers who began to let a harsh crowd rattle them and get inside their heads. I'm not saying the match would've been a 5-star classic otherwise, but the fact that both guys were pre-occupied with worrying about the fans hurt the quality of what could've/would've/should've been a really fun match. Its like they reached a breaking point, and once they were "broken", they decided to give up and not even bother with trying anymore. You're not going to get that with John Cena. As the song says, he's harder than nails (no homo, of course). For me, it was nearly impossible not to start respecting the hell out of the guy for that type of attitude. You mean there are actually wrestlers who think they aren't above the business?!? Wow. Go figure. My name get traffic like the California interstate.. Some people just don't understand what makes a wrestler "over". They can grasp onto the idea of face = cheer. They can even grasp onto heel = boo. What they don't seem to quite understand is that a reaction, period, makes a wrestler "over". I've noticed this in various discussions/arguments that I've had with people in the last year or so. When you tell them that Cena is over with crowds, they look at you like you farted in their soup. Or, in many cases, they produce text with the grammatical excellency of your average TNA fan (ouch). Allow me to break the news to folks like this.. In the world of pro wrestling, being "over" requires some sort of reaction from the audience. Some sort of a connection, if you will. When that person gets on the mic and delivers a one-liner, you laugh. When that person is in the ring and hits their finisher, you AT THE VERY LEAST move towards the end of your seat, if not just outright jump the fuck out of it. That's being "over". We can further break down being "over" and look at "face heat" and "heel heat", but for right now, let's just focus on what being "over" is, why don't we? The next time you're watching a WWE show on TV, I want you to do me a favor and pay attention to certain things that play out before your very eyes. I want you to notice the crowd reaction for Charlie Haas. I know, I know.. why the hell would you actually want to watch a Charlie Haas match? Just this one time, though, do it for your pal, Hustle. I want you to watch the fans when Shannon Moore is on the offensive in his matches. Again, don't question it, just bite the bullet and do it for me. I won't ask you to do it again. Anyway.. when you watch the matches, do you see it? Do you see what it is? Its indifference. The fans simply don't care. As skilled of an amateur wrestler that Charlie Haas is, the fans really couldn't care less about him as a professional wrestler. He should be lucky that the commentators are talking during his matches, otherwise I can just about guarantee you'd be able to hear the sound of people urinating in the restrooms. Upon doing my own research, I found out that WWE merchandise sales shoot up 348% during Val Venis matches. True story. Look it up. I wouldn't lie to you. Compare those reactions to the same fans during the same things that John Cena does. When he's on the mic, the fans are ALL participating, whether its cheering, booing, chanting, or just screaming for him. When he's in the ring, people are on their feet, doing those same things.. cheering, booing, chanting, clapping, or just acting a damn monkey and having fun. More research by yours truly found out that 129 concession stand vendors killed themselves during John Cena matches in 2007, based on the lack of activity at their stations. They weren't selling refreshments, and nobody was making any money. You can't provide for your wife and 9 children (one of whom has been battling gout for 3 years) if you're not doing your job and earning any money. True story. Look it up. I wouldn't lie to you. There hasn't been this strong of a reaction for any wrestler since.. well.. since the days of The Rock. The Rock could have an arena filled with 20,000 people eating out of the palm of his hand, and all it would take was a simple raise of an eyebrow. John Cena has that exact same ability to make crowds eat out of his hand. With only as much as a smirk or a tilt of his head, he can make the haters boo, yet can completely silence them with the utterance of a single word. A mere motion of his hand can elicit a loud face reaction from his supporters, as well as a heel reaction from the haters. He has us all like puppets on a string. Dance, Pinocchio, dance.  Enjoy life for 5 minutes, man, its not gon' kill you.. Have you Cena haters ever thought about looking into anger management classes? I've never seen someone in the wrestling industry provide so much anxiety and angst from people. Its almost as if people's lives are being determined by what goes on in an industry that is.. scripted. *gasp* I know.. it shocked me when I first realized that wrestling isn't 100% REAL. I believe I was in elementary school when I realized that for the very first time. I'm wondering why the fuck its taking some of you so long to realize the same thing. I've seen grown ass men.. people in their mid-to-late 20s.. acting like children because of John Cena, and when you really stop and think about it, how sad is that? I couldn't even tell you how many people I've seen take their anger and frustrations out on Cena for things that aren't in his control. You think he wins too much? That's a perfectly fine argument, but don't make it like he's the one scripting everything backstage and picking the winners and losers for every match. Don't like the things he says on the mic? Again, that's fine and dandy, but don't forget that he's not creating everything right there on the spot. Unlike an e-fed, which is where a lot of you get all of your perceptions of how the wrestling business works, these guys have a writing team that script what it is they say, or at the very least give them some guidelines and let the wrestler fill in the gaps. Unlike said e-fed, there are particulars that need to be taken care of in every promo that gets cut, whether it be backstage, in the ring, or wherever. These guys can't just go on what would translate into a 45-minute (cut the bullshit, e-fedders, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about) soliloquy/monologue about being able to walk underwater, cure cancer, or some other miraculous shit that 10 people in each fed are apparently able to do. They're also smart enough not to do dumb shit like overdose on nutmeg, but hey, most people should have enough common sense not to do that, I would think. Speaking of common sense, let me quickly go over a few of the dumber reasons that I've seen people give for not liking John Cena: "ZOMG Cean's offense iz not beeleevibble~!" - The man can casually lift up people like Big Show, Mark Henry, Rikishi, Umaga, etc, to place them in position for the FU, and its "not believable" to see him hit people and have them go down? We're not talking Rey Mysterio here, everyone. Cena's a brawler with ridiculous levels of strength. Why would he need to bust out Dean Malenko-levels of technical wizardry to be effective or "believable"? "He disrespeks hiztoree wit da spinnur belt~!" - First and foremost, things change with time. Yes, "things" includes pro wrestling title belts. The belts look different now than they did years ago, and years from now they'll look different again. Second of all, you folks make it like Cena wanted to change the belt, and Vince McMahon had to be hog-tied and anally violated before agreeing to finally sign off on the change. If you're not a fan of the belt, blame Vince and/or whomever on the staff gave the go-ahead for it, not the guy who wears it. Some of you need to learn how to channel your hatred in the right direction sometimes. "Hiz wressling close r stoopid and he dozent ware tytes~!" - Again with folks thinking the "legacy" of pro wrestling is being completely ruined. Put it this way, folks.. wrestling doesn't exactly come across as 100% heterosexual from time-to-time, but men being THAT concerned with what another man wears is even less heterosexual. Baggy shorts aren't enough for you? You want the underoos look for your favorite wrestlers, do you? Let me guess.. you shop for your own clothing at Abercrombie & Fitch, don't you? Yeah, thought so. Folks, this is 2008 here. Don't you think its about time we stopped being polite, and started being real? Real World: West Newbury. Like Jordan in the 4th quarter, I'm still money.. For those who may not know about the legacy of Michael Jordan, allow me to break it down like this.. Arguably the single greatest player in basketball history, Jordan was known for his killer instinct in games. The bigger the game, the more Jordan stepped up. When it was a close game with only a little time remaining, that's when Jordan got this look in his eye. One that basically told everyone to watch him because he was about to do something special. That look translates over to John Cena quite nicely, because like Jordan, he always seems to step up when it matters most. WrestleMania.. the "Granddaddy Of Them All". The place, to borrow a quote from JBL, "where the lights shine so bright". WWE's biggest stage in which to showcase their product, and WrestleMania 24 will be the 4th Mania in a row where John Cena will be involved in, at the very least, the semi-main event of the card. WrestleMania 21: He challenged WWE Champion JBL for his title in a feud that was very nicely built. The older, Wall Street visiting New Yorker VS the younger, urban Bostonian. While it wasn't the greatest match in the history of the business, it was still a sign of things to come, and nearly a "passing the torch" moment, as the longest-reigning champion in a long while loses the title to the man who would eventually go on to become nearly untouchable. The match was a overshadowed a bit by the World Heavyweight Championship match later in the card that featured Batista getting his very first WHC reign. WrestleMania 22: The aforementioned match against Triple H. An interesting build leading up to the match, with the fans cheering for the heel and booing the face, causing people to predict some sort of "double turn" like Steve Austin and Bret Hart were able to pull off at WrestleMania 13. In what was the epitome of a "money match", the 2 biggest names in the company went head-to-head in what turned out to be a great match, and the result was something that most people didn't think would happen again after the result of WrestleMania 20.. Triple H tapping out in the middle of the ring. WrestleMania 23: With Triple H on the shelf due to a torn quad, his DX partner, Shawn Michaels, got the main event spot against John Cena. Once again, the crowd was decidedly against Cena, although Michaels was a face, as well, so there was no "weird" reactions. One of Cena's main points as a wrestler is his selling, and he did a wonderful job of selling the knee in this one.. for a while, anyway. While I wasn't as big a fan of this match as some Cena fans are (I didn't think it was as good as the previous year's Cena/HHH match), it was memorable for Cena's Ford Mustang entrance, as well as for the gigantic crowd, much larger than the previous 2 Mania crowds, giving off an electric vibe to every move. WrestleMania 24: Cena enters his first WrestleMania as a challenger in 3 years, this time against WWE Champion Randy Orton and Triple H in a Triple Threat Match. Short of an inter-promotion match, this match will be as big as there can be in WWE right now, and people are crazy if they don't think that all 3 men will step their games (no pun intended) up and rise to the occasion so they can put on a show. Cena and Triple H have proven that they can hang in THE match at THE show. Now its Randy Orton's turn to prove it, and if anybody will drag the match down, it'll be RKO himself. Hell, if you want, you could even take it back to WrestleMania 20, in the pre-main event days for Cena, when he made jaws drop across the world by hitting the FU on Big Show. You could just see it, even then, that special things were ahead for the man hailing from West Newbury, Massachusetts. Of course, when people think about WrestleMania 20, they think about Chris Benoit (yeah, I said his name again) getting the last true achievement of his career, but that's a completely different (and completely exhausted) story altogether. Excuse me for a minute while I lighten the mood.. For two days, I sat and thought about what I could add to this column that would be somewhat different. Somewhat special. Somewhat entertaining. All while keeping to the theme of the column, of course. I came up with a couple simple ideas, and after tossing them around with my partner-in-crime, the final decision was made.. haiku. Yes, you read that right, folks. Haiku. Not our favorite afro-rocking Tongan wrestler, Haku, but the type of Japanese poetry involving 3 lines of text.. the very first line involves nothing but 5 syllables, with the next line having 7 syllables, and the final line having 5 syllables again to wrap things up. I recruited numerous friends, colleagues, and fellow LoPForums posters to help me out with this mini-project. I asked them to create a haiku involving their feelings about John Cena. If it turned out to be a pro-Cena piece, so be it. If it was an anti-Cena piece, so be it. It also didn't matter if they wanted to be serious about it or have it be something strictly comedic. Just as long as it was a haiku and it was about John Cena. The turnout was better than I expected, and I'd like to take this time to thank everyone who participated, even if only to humor me. Here they are, in no particular order, along with a brief comment about each one by yours truly.. He's a mega draw He's also insanely stale Watch Raw, no matter by: Bloodline (I'm just thankful he isn't one of those waterheads that scream from the mountaintops that they'll never watch WWE programming again because they're sick of Cena, only to keep on tuning in every week. Those people don't realize that their credibility hits absolute zero when they whine like that. Thanks for the haiku, and damnit, you'd better be in attendance for the.. *wait for it*.. 2nd Annual LoPForums.com WrestleMania Weekend Wrestling (W)Extravaganza *cheesy smile and a thumbs up*, or else.) Majestic Cena Your greatness merits more than Seventeen syllables by: aisce (Even though it'll probably go over some heads and prompt some feedback about it being incorrect, allow me to say that this haiku was simply beautiful. Not only is it 100% actual factual relevant real deal Holyfield, but it makes you go "hmm", as well. Very nicely done. Speaking of nicely done.. don't forget to check out aisce in HIS main page column "aisce In Your Hole". His most recent outing takes something that is generally hated on by the IWC {the Katie Vick storyline} and puts a bit of a twist on it with his own opinion of why it IS hated and why it SHOULD be hated. Trust me, its worth your time. Check it out here: Visions Of Excess) Booked like Superman His own fucking spinner belt It leaves me ice cold by: Dan (I can't blame you for being cold with all that ice BLINGIN off the spinner belt. Don't lie to the world.. you know you have one at home. At least the replica one, anyway. By the way, he's booked that way because he is that way, you dig? Thanks for the haiku, though. It bought you a week or so without any fighting from me. Take THAT!) Cena's Much Improved From Rapper To Best In Biz Modern Day Hogan by: Chad Matthews (The name may be familiar to visitors of the main page, as this is the man who used to recap pretty much everything for this site. Raw, Smackdown, WWE PPVs, Academy Awards, Gulf War, The New Pope, etc. Ok, well, he only recapped the wrestling-related items, but he did a great job at it. You bring up a great point, Chad. A lot of people don't give proper credit to John for the improvements he's made throughout his run in the company, which is a shame. He went from green-as-can-be to promising-but-nervous to an absolute ring general, and the transition happened faster than even I thought it would. Thanks for the haiku, good sir. See you in Orlando.) He gets the job done In the ring and on the mic Love him or hate him by: The Candyman (That's what I like to read right there. Both sides of the argument can rant and rave all they want, but the bottom line is that John Cena just gets it done. Good call, SkittleZ. Speaking of SkittleZ, check out his series of "Taste My Rainbow" columns in the Columns Forum of LoPForums.com when you get the chance. In fact, I'll even get you started by guiding you towards his latest, entitled "Dear Brock and Bobby". Let's just say the open letter to Mr Lesnar and Mr Lashley won't exactly be making them very happy. The column can be found here: Dear Brock and Bobby) John Cena's the man. Champion of ass-kicking. He owns your soul.. bitch. by: RMV2 aka Stefan Urquelle (You hear that, unnamed bitch? John Cena owns your soul. How do you like them apples, huh? Suck the tip slow and cup the balls, you heifer! A haiku that is precise and to-the-point. Nice. Hopefully your plan to possibly get to Orlando for Mania works out for you. There's plenty of room left for more LoP homies.) The Rock he isn't The man does love his Mustangs You can see him now by: Mac (He really does love his Mustangs, doesn't he? Well, he loves all American "muscle cars", apparently. That's a helluva collection he has. Much props to you for the haiku, as you're one of the O.G.'s of the LoP John Cena e-Chain Gang Alliance, and hey, I don't have to be slick to get your name into the column this time. See you in Orlando.) Terrific wrestler Brings in the hype but I'm bored The champ is still here by: Pen15 (Ah, Pen.. I've lost track of just how many times we've butted heads over the topic of John Cena. You know what? On the advice of a few people, I'm just going to leave it right there.) Cena is the man Who should end Taker's streak at WrestleMania by: romans_3:23 (Oooh.. controversial.. I like it. Like the idea or not, people couldn't possibly deny just how "major" a match that would be, and I applaud you as you went for the gusto with your thought process. I'm sure I'll get some nice feedback for this one. Before I forget, everyone who doesn't do so already should make sure you check out romans and his own main page column series, entitled "When In Rome". His most recent edition goes over whether Chris Jericho should remain a face or become a heel, as well as how God tried to warn Vince McMahon about signing Floyd Mayweather to a big contract. A great writer, a column with a message each and every time, AND he's a genuinely nice guy? Go for it, folks.. give him a read. Check it out here: When In Rome XXVII) Five Knuckle Shuffle Only one could be so lame F U Go Away by: DAL (Alright, look here.. I'm going to let you slide because you have good taste when it comes to your favorite sports teams, but next time, check your tone and use your inside typing "voice" before I put your ass outside. Thanks for the haiku, though. I'm thinking of having it printed out so I can wipe my ass with it the next time I get food poisoning and have a leaky bum. Go 49ers. Go Lakers. Go Canes.) My opinion is.. Cena isn't half bad.. Until he regains. by: EB4 (Now that is an argument that I can give credit to. Liking Cena better when he's "the hunter" instead of "the hunted" isn't bad at all. However, I must apologize to you as I remove 25 e-credit points from you because you're a Kennedy fan. Much apologies. Well, not really, but you get the point. Hey, another column plug! Check out EB4's "Breaking The 4th Wall" series when you get the time. His most recent edition, "Crossing The Line", where he goes in-depth in trying to figure out why you don't see "tweener" wrestlers that often anymore. Check it out here: Crossing The Line) F U One Two Three John Cena is a bad man Enjoy the ride by: CharlieMac (This is another one of the O.G.'s of the LoP John Cena e-Chain Gang Alliance, people. I'm talking WAY back, like before John Cena was even a John Cena fan. Its been a fun trip to this point, wouldn't you say, Charlie? Cena really is a bad man, and yes, this whole wacky crazy ride has been quite enjoyable. See you in Orlando.) He's just like Hogan You cannot see him, can you? < Kennedy by: cYn (I hate you. When you get to Orlando for the.. *wait for it*.. 1st Annual LoPForums.com WrestleMania Weekend Wrestling (W)Extravaganza *cheesy smile and a thumbs up*, expect you and I to have some words. The only thing Kennedy has Cena beat in is the amount of money he spends on hair care products. Come on. Let's be real here. Bastard. You don't know what you're talking about. Lay off the booze. See you in Orlando, either way.) Cena over Ken Past history says it all 3 belt wins to none by: Michellerbell (See that, cYn? This is a person who knows what they're talking about. Not bad for someone with breasts. Wonderful, lovely brea.. oops.. my mistake. I meant someone who's supposed to have breasts, and not the stereotypical IWC member people picture in their heads. Hmm.. maybe I should see about a collabo with this person, just to provide a non-testosterone driven point of view in this male dominated industry. Wait.. can I even call this an "industry"? Fuck it, I just did. Good haiku, and absolutely positively 100% truthful, unlike some of these other haiku. See you in Orlando, with White Chocolate Macadamia Nut cookies in hand.) I have one haiku left, and I needed to save it for last because this person went above and beyond the call of duty here. I asked for a haiku, and this person not only gave me a haiku, but he gave me 9 (!!!) of them, strung together quite nicely to tell a rollercoaster of a story. You LoP main page readers will recognize him as the author of the "Under The Fleece" column series. Speaking of which, go and check out his latest, "Undefeated" (which can be seen here: Undefeated), where he discusses WrestleMania Minus-2488, Hulk Hogan's soup strainer, and a possible riot at the end of the World Heavyweight Championship match at WM24. A very fun read. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, courtesy of the man, the myth, the legend.. sheepster.. John Cena is strange. At first, I really liked him With his rap dizzle. Then he turned good guy. He had dropped the awesome beats (Not in the good way). For the longest time I disliked bland Cena and His five moves of doom. Suddenly things changed. Internet marks booed for him.. But he didn't care. Whole stadiums booed, But he stayed true to his word. Did it for his fans. People came around. Slowly, he changed boos to cheers. I thought that was cool. Then he broke his arm. He was out for seven months. 'Mania? No chance. Now its Rumble time. "CENA'S BACK IN THE HIZZ-OUSE!" Did not expect that! My thoughts on Cena? They were kinda iffy, but Now I love the guy. A round of applause for all of our haiku panelists, everyone! A sincere thanks goes out to every one of them, even you rat bastards that didn't have the most positive things to say about Cena. I still appreciate you, because there is no "my" side of the argument without "your" side. You're still wrong, though, but that should go without saying, I'd think. If you feel me, then I'm writing for you.. Let's go over what we've discussed so far, and what we've learned about John Cena, his supporters, and his "haters".. - No wrestler in recent history (maybe history, period) has had such an exhausting schedule of actual wrestling mixed with promotional work, charity work, and assorted outside causes. This works against the "lazy" accusation that I've seen some people send his way. - In a day and age where every athlete (and especially every pro wrestler) gets looked at like a dirty cheater, he should legitimately be one of the last people to get fingers pointed in his direction due to his years of training and education on how to properly take care of himself. - Staring at unexpected crowd responses, not only did he not crack under the pressure, but it seemed to motivate him and cause him to work even harder. - Whether they care to see him win the WWE Title in 10 seconds flat or care to see him injure himself once again.. that's just it.. the fans CARE, either way. Nobody gets a crowd response like he does. - His "haters" generally take things entirely too seriously and make themselves look completely foolish on a regular basis with their head-shakingly lame "issues" with the guy. - If there's a "sure bet" in wrestling, its that he'll deliver in the biggest matches of the year. - He makes for an entertaining haiku topic. - He makes me to create the longest column that I've ever done.  I live how I wanna live, buy what I wanna buy, do what I wanna do, try what I wanna try.. fear nothing, take chances.. not afraid to fail, always making advances.. so when I ride on the Grim Reaper Highway, no regrets, bitch, I did it my way.. Well, that was fun, wasn't it? Longest. Column. Ever. I'd like to again (yes, AGAIN) thank everyone who participated in this column. Trust me, everyone, your efforts were appreciated. Another "thank you" goes to my Inspiration & Motivation for getting my head steered in the right direction here. I definitely needed that. Honestly, I can't thank you enough. Finally, another "thank you" goes out to John Cena himself for making me such a big fan that I'd sit here and take forever and a fucking day to create a 7000+ word column defending him against the "haters". There you have it, my peeps.. another edition of HIPRN is officially in the books. I'll be taking a safer route when you all see me again in 2 weeks. With my hectic schedule leading into WrestleMania, and with WrestleMania itself, I can't exactly devote the same amount of time to that column. However, my post-Mania column should be fun, stuffed full of pictures of all the various douchebaggery that I get into along with the rest of the LoP Crew in Orlando that week. Unless, of course, I'm in jail. Let's cross our fingers. For me to avoid jail, of course, not for me to go to jail. Until then, I'm out like a bean sprout, nah'mean? Be easy, folks. From Paradise, I bid you farewell. Aloha and Mahalo Nui Loa. Hustle HIPRNFeedback@gmail.com   ***DIRECT LINK*** Must See New RED BEDROOM Shots of WWE's MARYSE!
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